Parents dealing with strong willed children

awaite3

Ok fellow parents and teachers I need advice on how to get a strong willed child to do homework.

I've tried:
Reward charts
Giving her choices as suggested by positive discipline
Taking stuff away
Taking electronics and tv away
Yelling (obviously didn't work)
Having her sit with the hw until it's finished
Sending her to bed early
Time outs
Giving her breaks in between

Corporal punishment is not an option so any advice? I didn't think the power struggles would be this great at such a young age. She can do the homework in 15 minutes when she tries but when she fights it can take hours. Any advice is appreciated.

I'm trying not to stress eat but the struggle is real.

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awaite3

6

myheartsabattleground

Have them tested for things like ADHD.

synchkat

myheartsabattleground wrote: »

Have them tested for things like ADHD.

This is a good start. We'd take forever to do homework with my son and we had him diagnosed in the fall with adhd. He is now on meds and took about 5 minutes to do his homework today while I sat and played on the computer. He's 7, almost 8. It's amazing rhe difference.

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awaite3

I will have to look into that. It's difficult because I have primary custody but her father gets her to do her homework by screaming at her and spanking. I don't want to have to resort to that. He would not be receptive to medicating her and would just blame me and my parenting skills.

jrbb03092

I have to be honest. I'm not even sure why a six year old has homework and I say this as the parent of a 16 year old with a 90+ average.

When our daughter was really young (not 6 though), we would sit with her and "guide" her through whatever worksheets she brought home. She would come home, have a quick snack, talk to me about her day and then we'd do the homework. /Then/ we could have fun and do whatever - make dinner together, etc.

A little older, same routine, but I'd tell her to start on the work and I'd come see how she was doing.

Still older, same routine, but she'd do the work and I'd only take a look at anything she needed help with.

By the time she reached high school, it was roughly the same routine but she would decide it was time for homework without prompting and work for a couple hours every day on homework due the next day or ahead on projects.

Now she's incredibly self-motivated and self-regulated and she usually comes straight home, tells me about anything major in her day (the rest waits til dinner) and she works for roughly 2.5-3 hours til dinner (3-6) and then takes the evening off because she's done enough school as far as she (and we) are concerned.

Do you feel what she's being asked to do is reasonable? You should be able to reason with her. As soon as you finish your homework, we can do --- (fun thing).

The other choice is not pressure her to do her homework, let her deal with the natural consequences at school, and let the teacher know this is what you're trying. They may be able to effect a change that you're not, especially if this has (as you've said) already become a power struggle.

ole496

I agree with checking in with a doctor for medical rule out or getting info on resources from the school on parental counseling to help deal with it all. You've done so much already and it's time to seek professional help. Not doing homework at 6 years old isn't going to railroad their future but I agree that resolving this issue now will make life easier when they hit middle school. Don't worry about it for now and make some calls, book an appointment or two and it'll work out, I have faith! It could be that the child has other stresses or problems and doesn't know how to ask for help. Not trying to sound an alarm here but it's just a thought. Maybe your child is acting out for attention instead of asking for help. Minor adult problems overheard by small children can become major life stressors for them. Money, marriage, home problems, etc. They just can't comprehend this stuff. Try your best not to let your child see your frustration. Hang in there, your kid-o needs a strong parent to help them work it out.

mom23mangos

Sounds just like my ADHD kid. Had to medicate in 1st grade. Still have issues now because dr can't increase his dosage without unwanted side effects like weight loss.

awaite3

Her dad enrolled her in kumon which originally I agreed to until kindergarten but unfortunately he's kept her in no matter my protests. I can't keep her from going because I cannot cancel an activity he's enrolled her in as per my state parenting guidelines. Kumon is boring I agree but it has to get done now this resentment is bleeding over into her kindergarten homework.

When she comes home from school she's has a snack and relaxes/plays till my husband comes home. Then it's dinner and homework time. It's so frustrating especially when the part time parent uses this kumon as a weapon, he knows the struggles he just doesn't care. The funny part is that's she's very gifted. She's top in her class with reading and math I'm worried she's getting burnt out but no one listens to me not even the courts and lawyers.

synchkat

mom23mangos wrote: »

Sounds just like my ADHD kid. Had to medicate in 1st grade. Still have issues now because dr can't increase his dosage without unwanted side effects like weight loss.

We had this happen. now he's on another medication that helps with his anxiety and helps counter act the weight loss side effect or so we're told.

awaite3

She goes to a STEM school so they get homework starting in kindergarten she has daily reading logs, math logs and some days a work sheet.

JP_909

I'm with @Sunn_lighter ^ 6 years old is too young for homework let them have fun til they're 7 or 8!

liftinggoddess123

My parents used to put us on the toilet if we were naughty and that's going back a long while. Even if I answered back at 14 I was straight there!

snowflake954

The problems and resentment between you and your husband are showing up in your daughter. First, I'd talk to her teacher and explain your struggles and ask if the teacher is seeing problems also. If you have a really good teacher they may be able to suggest ways to motivate your child. Perhaps you have to sit down with your daughter and talk to her and ask her why she won't do her homework. Perhaps you could ask a girl student just a little older to work with her. There are lots of ideas. I would not force this at 6. You will pay for it big time later. You have to be smarter than she, and find what works. Every kid has their "key", the challenge for a parent is to find it.

PS: This is from the mother of 3 boys-now young men. I used alot of discipline, but every child was different, and girls would be even trickier to handle.

ElliInJapan

Sit together with the child and do the homework together. Studying is a skill that needs to be learned, it's not something that kids do automatically.

StealthHealth

To those saying 6 is too young for homework, in someways agree with you, but the reality of the current (English at least) education system is that homework is the norm from primary schools and parents are expected to support their child in this (and in many cases sign a kind of contract to that effect).

The idea of challenging the school on h/work would be fruitless - The rate of work is, by and large, dictated by government policy, metrics, and the syllabus.

The idea of saying to a child "You know what Jnr? I think 6 is too young for homework, let's forget about it" will cause much bigger issues further down the line.

So, my question to @JP_909 and @Sunny_Bunny_ is "Brah, Do You Even Parent?"

StealthHealth

OP, it seems like there is lots of good advice here but I'd make sure that I'd spoken to the school about the issue and get some feedback on your daughter's attitude to learning in school time.

If she is OK in school then maybe there is an after school or morning homework club that you can use as a short term fix to give you breathing space?

Sunny_Bunny_

StealthHealth wrote: »

To those saying 6 is too young for homework, in someways agree with you, but the reality of the current (English at least) education system is that homework is the norm from primary schools and parents are expected to support their child in this (and in many cases sign a kind of contract to that effect).

The idea of challenging the school on h/work would be fruitless - The rate of work is, by and large, dictated by government policy, metrics, and the syllabus.

The idea of saying to a child "You know what Jnr? I think 6 is too young for homework, let's forget about it" will cause much bigger issues further down the line.

So, my question to @JP_909 and @Sunny_Bunny_ is "Brah, Do You Even Parent?"

Uhhhhh.... Sunny bunny here...
I think you meant to reference someone else. I haven't made any comments on this thread.

StealthHealth

Whoops, sorry. Yep I meant @sunn_lighter

StealthHealth

@Sunny_Bunny_ Do you get notifications when someone mentions you using the @ symbol?

synchkat

awaite3 wrote: »

Her dad enrolled her in kumon which originally I agreed to until kindergarten but unfortunately he's kept her in no matter my protests. I can't keep her from going because I cannot cancel an activity he's enrolled her in as per my state parenting guidelines. Kumon is boring I agree but it has to get done now this resentment is bleeding over into her kindergarten homework.

When she comes home from school she's has a snack and relaxes/plays till my husband comes home. Then it's dinner and homework time. It's so frustrating especially when the part time parent uses this kumon as a weapon, he knows the struggles he just doesn't care. The funny part is that's she's very gifted. She's top in her class with reading and math I'm worried she's getting burnt out but no one listens to me not even the courts and lawyers.

As someone said ask the school about her behaviour there. Is she getting homework because she's not getting work done at school? I also think take her for an assessment. she could benefit from talking to a therapist, sounds like you and her father have very strained relations so she might benefit greatly from talking to a third party. My boy sees a therapist to deal with the anxiety thst comes with his adhd. She gives us strategies to help him.

All kids are different, they all learn when they are ready. We all as parents want them to succeed and be the smartest and best so I understand the Kumon. Kids are hard but I suspect there's more here than just a defiant child

Ws2016

Focus on the one subject she loves and let her learn the satisfaction of doing something she likes.

A six year old is too young to understand the value of doing things just to get them done. She and you will be fine. My son didn't get serious about homework until he was a junior.

Oh, and keep her off the adhd labels and meds. There are a lot of stages to growing up and learning before you can blame anything on a physical condition. Let her grow at her own pace, not at the average or others expectations or even your own.

I recommend you spend your efforts observing and learning more about how she does things and what motivates her, instead of always trying to motivate her. Then reinforce HER motivation with praise. You are on this site because you are motivated, not because you are being motivated. Your daughter operates in the same way, as we all do.

hdatres

My daughter was a big handful. I had her on medication for ADHD here to find out my boyfriend at the time was beating her when I wasn't home. He would smack her in the back of the head push her down etc. things that wouldn't leave a mark. Until one day I seen a big Hand print around her upper arm. she was acting out because of the abuse, because she was too young to tell us what was going on, or maybe she just thought it was a normal Way of how adults treat children .Of course I broke up with him and called child protective services. He had a PFA one of her three years. He should've been put in jail. From the abuse she went through it caused psychological problems like cutting herself and wanting to commit to commit suicide, As she got older . People are so quick to say it's ADHD when there could be an under line problem causing the ADHD.

StealthHealth

sunn_lighter wrote: »

StealthHealth wrote: »

Whoops, sorry. Yep I meant @sunn_lighter

I don't argue with people on the internet because we both know we're right but I'm a *kitten* amazing parent with two extraordinary kids so suck it

You know what, you're right and I was a dick to post what I did. I'm sorry, it was a glib comment which was of no use to the OP and a dig at you (and JP_909). Nether of you deserved it.

Sorry again.

WJS_jeepster

My 6 year old twins have once a week homework. 3 sheets of reading and math. The reason for having homework in kindergarten is to prep for the NIGHTLY homework that will come in first grade. Granted - we're in an extremely high-achieving district heading for their top performing elementary school. Sometimes I get the feeling I'm one of the few parents in the class that actually makes their child do the work (vs the parent doing most of it themselves).

My son just bangs his out with no drama, and I mainly just am nearby to supervise if he has questions.

My daughter the drama queen wails, cries, and throws herself down on the table in frustration. One of the main things that helps is getting her brother away from her. The rule for him is no "helping". If he's not "watching" her, the drama goes way down.

I'm also finding that she's much more tactile. If she has a sheet of scratch paper where she can doodle and re-write the words she's having trouble on it's a real help. She also likes to use fun colors, etc.

Right now, it's just a few minutes extra with her. I do dread the future when we're dealing with this every night.

For what it's worth, I have worse battles with her to get her to brush her teeth. Yikes.

I would talk to the teacher and see if she has any ideas based on watching her work in class. In our case, she did have a few insights that helped with just general behavior.

awaite3

Her father and my husband are different people. Currently we are on a wait list for therapy. Overall her teachers say she does absolutely fine in school it's just the nightly battles we have at home over homework. She's 6 so of course I sit with her and help her it's just hard trying to get her to sit still and focus. Even when she's doing her work she's constantly in motion. It's mainly problems with kumon.

yayamom3

Have you asked to have her tested for the school's gifted program? I am a teacher and mother of gifted students. I've had several students over the years who refused to do homework because they already knew the concepts and viewed it as a waste of their time. I also agree with having her tested for ADHD/ADD.

_incogNEATo_

StealthHealth wrote: »

sunn_lighter wrote: »

StealthHealth wrote: »

Whoops, sorry. Yep I meant @sunn_lighter

I don't argue with people on the internet because we both know we're right but I'm a *kitten* amazing parent with two extraordinary kids so suck it

You know what, you're right and I was a dick to post what I did. I'm sorry, it was a glib comment which was of no use to the OP and a dig at you (and JP_909). Nether of you deserved it.

Sorry again.

Wow, I didn't think apologies were made here at MFP. That is amazing. Great work.