Family sending mixed messages about weight loss?

anonymousathlete

Kinda long, but I included some background info:

I was very overweight since I was 6 or 7 years old. My parents and family members use food for everything. When I was angry, they fed me. When I was sad, they fed me. When we celebrated, they fed me. Seconds and thirds were encouraged. Clean plates were expected.

I hated how I felt and how I looked. My family thought I was fat but never said anything to my face, but I got the message anyway. Subtle "suck in your gut" and "that shirt won't fit you" comments were plain enough for me. Only person who ever called me fat to my face was my cousin, but it was the truth. My doctor even recommended I lose weight. Anyway, I tried to get fit, but whenever I tried to diet or eat better, my family would really discourage and embarrass me.

"Why aren't you eating with us? You're being rude."
"Is something wrong with you? Are you depressed?"
"Why are you eating a salad? You're not dieting, are you?"

Eventually I went to college. Without their eyes watching my every move, I started dieting and exercising. I lost the weight and got down to a normal size. Doctor said I was at a good weight for my height. I was finally happy with myself. End of the year, I go back home for the summer and everyone freaked out. This time, they were not subtle with their comments and I got some really mixed messages, some from the same people.

"Have you been starving yourself?"
"Looks like you finally lost the baby fat."
"You look great!"
"Are you sick?"

I played it cool, but it really got to me. I started questioning myself. My parents especially kept telling me to "stop losing weight" because "I'm getting too skinny." They had a serious conversation with me, said they thought I was depressed and told me I have to start eating "real food" because apparently fruits, veggies, and lean meats aren't cutting it. I'm not depressed, but their attitude is making me upset. They also think I work out too hard, but I know I'm fine since I talked with a personal trainer on campus.

But the most confusing part of all is that several times, I've heard my parents bragging to other family and friends about how much weight I lost and how fit I am now. Why do they tell others they are proud of my weight loss, yet make me feel ashamed of it?

Their words are getting to me, and I'm starting to gain some weight again. It makes me mad that I'm letting their words effect me. What should I do in this situation?

umieto

It seems like my family. They'll be mean to your face because they want to take that success away from you to feed their own jealousy, but to others they boast about you because they can bask in some reflected glory.

Edited to add: if you are happy with yourself, ignore everyone else. The doctor says you're healthy and you know what you're doing is right so try not to let your family get to you too much. Easier said than done I know, but hang in there.

HollisGrant

Quote the doctor. They can't argue with that.The doctor says you're the weight you need to be. Then find some way, short and sweet, to tell them to shove off and change the subject. You're becoming your own person -- just keep it up.

j6o4

Quote the doctor. They can't argue with that.The doctor says you're the weight you need to be. Then find some way, short and sweet, to tell them to shove off and change the subject. You're becoming your own person -- just keep it up.

haha do this^

labeachgirl

I think this has more to do with you growing up and being your own person, which probably scares them, and less to do with your weight and diet.

jollyjoe321

Agree with labeachgirl

greattimes

You know what you needed to do. I know how the comments can hurt I get them all the time from" friends" but what I do is my business and its for my health and well being. It is time to take care of yourself.

samntha14

Quote the doctor. They can't argue with that.The doctor says you're the weight you need to be. Then find some way, short and sweet, to tell them to shove off and change the subject. You're becoming your own person -- just keep it up.

AGREED!! I also notice that the people who give me the most crap about exercising and being fit are the people who themselves need to work a harder at loosing weight and being fit. Kind of like the people who are your "friends" on FB who will complain about posting workout NSVs and such, but have no problem saying cheer up when things are going bad. Your success points out their failures. If the Dr. says you are fit and healthy, then make that your mantra when people want to bring you down.

Erikalynne18

Perhaps they just need time to adjust to the fact you are smaller now. Try to take their comments as "concern", smile, thank them for being concerned about your health but then reassure them that you are much healthier now and refer to your dr's comments

You need to focus on yourself and your goals. I still get the "you aren't still dieting are you? You've already lost so much! You shouldn't lose more!!" from my coworkers, however I'm actually eating ALOT of food really, just better foods (and they aren't as calorie dense).

princesspea234

Your BMI is healthy? You're eating enough calories during the day? Then don't worry about it. Just keep doing what you're doing. Your heart, lungs and the rest of your body will thank you in the long run! I agree with quoting the doctor.... it's hard to argue with that!

JustDrea113

I go through the same thing! 52lbs ago everyone would tell me i need to lose weight. When I started dieting, I was eating less, obviously right?? Apparently not! Then I heard, "it's not good to starve yourself!" Keep in mind, I started at 2000 calories a day! So now I've lost 52lbs in about 5.5months, and am down to a 6/8 pant size, and my mom almost seems jealous. Which is weird because she's not a big lady. But this weekend she would say i look great in once sentence and then turn around and say "well you can never lose too much weight!" ummmm i'm sure you can, and what do you mean? My doctor wanted to check my thyroid before she knew I was trying to lose the weight, and my kids doctor asked if i was sick. When I said no, she then replied, well you look great!! lol I look great because you thought I was sick???? hmmm that makes plenty of sense! I dont think society think diet and exercise works! I hear a lot of ppl ask what I'm taking! So I feel you on all of it, but need to just keep plugging away. I would like to lose another 10-20lbs, but do feel good at 168 right now! We shall see! Good luck, and shake them haters off!

grimendale

Quote the doctor. They can't argue with that.

Yeah, they can. I'm in the same boat, and when I quoted my doctor, I was told I needed a new doctor because mine was clearly a quack. I've tried explaining everything; I've tried discussing how the habits they taught me aren't healthy; I've tried walking them through my diary to prove I am not starving myself. Nothing worked except maintaining the loss. Learn how to let the comments go, and they will eventually stop. It's rough to have to put up with, so try to find others who will encourage your healthy lifestyle (MFP is a good start). You're telling my story, so I feel you. I can remember dozens of time being brought twice as much food as I asked for when my dad brought home fast food and being expected to eat all of it and any leftovers my sisters didn't eat (why I had to clean my plate and they didn't, I'll never understand). My dad was always trying to "bulk me up" for football, but didn't seem to realize that eating a lot of crap wasn't going to work, particularly without weight lifting. My mom, on the other hand, constantly made comments about sucking in my gut, making sure I dressed to hide the fat, and so on, but never made a move to curb the overeating. Looking back, it's no surprise that I was obese my whole life while my sisters were always thin. When I did finally lose the weight, I got the same comments you're getting now, including hearing them brag to others about my weight loss. I've kept the weight off for over a year now, and the comments are pretty much gone. My healthier lifestyle has become the norm, and they no longer think or comment about it. Stay the course and good luck.

Silver_Star

its very confusing. I go through a similar tug of war with my folks too.

Ultimately i had to put my foot down on most things...and it took a few years for them to come around...so, i suggest you be patient with them but stick to your guns with your decision to lose weight. Be excited openly when they brag about you...and when they fluctuate in their opinion about your weight, just keep reminding them of your goal.

If they see you being consistent, it will soon become a habit for them as well.:flowerforyou:

sevsmom

Use the mental toughness you've built up pursuing fitness and better nutrition to silence those voices. Realize that they DON'T have all the info. And, (mom moment here) if you are in fact NOT depressed and NOT becoming an exercise anorexic, then keep on keepin' on! Don't let words from people derail your fine efforts. I have kids your age, and while none of my kids have had weight problems, to date, I know that kids have an amazing way of IGNORING what their parents say. Activate that young adult/teenage super power NOW!! Don't listen to discouraging words. You ignored them about cleaning your room, right? Ignore their comments that have no basis in reality.

If you are experiencing some emotional issues, however, Please Please Please seek help and keep ALL yourself healthy. (Again with the mom thing, sorry!!)

anemoneprose

Why do they tell others they are proud of my weight loss, yet make me feel ashamed of it?

They are proud of you. They're also freaked out and not used to your new body. Many people have failed because of ill-conceived diets, so it's hard for them to believe it's possible to lose weight in a healthy way. Some of the comments do sound like they're intended to shame (sibling?) but many do not, just sounds like they're surprised.

Give it time, they'll get used to you. All that happened to me, and my family now asks me for tips.

anonymousathlete

Hey guys, looks like this is pretty common. There are lots of relatable stories and good advice: stay strong, quote the doctor, and remember they’ll get used to it over time. Just the motivation I needed. Thanks for the replies everyone!

Fairdragonrose

Maybe it's guilt. I know it sounds a little crazy, but I've dealt with similar issues with my parents (not weight related...) where they chastised me to my face about something, or made the little comments that make a person wanna scream, cry or hit something. (Throw Pillows - not just for decorating couches!) Then you find out they are bragging about you to others.

Came to find out, after a long talk with my step-mom, that it was guilt. My dad (the culprit in particular) felt guilty for not: recognizing the problem, offering support, making things worse, etc. By "showing concern" over my life changes, he was trying to make up for not being attentive and supportive enough early on.

Maybe, the comments from your family members are there way of realizing you've done something you've needed and wanted to do for a long time, and now they're over-sensitive to the changes you've made and might feel guilty for not paying attention sooner?

Note: This doesn't excuse the behavior, and I fully agree with other posters that you should be confident in yourself and your success and stand up to them (politely). It's not ok for them to treat you that way, and over time could put you back on the wrong track. This is just another way to look at it from their perspective (whether they know it or not) that might help you address the issue, when you're ready.

Good Luck!