Unsupportive Spouse
christyh79
Posts: 25 Member
Hey guys, I'm having a really hard time staying on track because my husband literally fights me every time I go workout. I've been in bootcamp at my gym since February and recently started personal training and have lost about 16 pounds and he's not so much as mentioned I look any better or that my loss is noticeable. I'm just wondering if anyone else deals with this, and how do you stay motivated when you've got someone bringing you down so much?
Thanks in advance.
Thanks in advance.
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Replies
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are you doing it for him or for you?
why does other peoples' behavior affect your motivation?
i think you need to ask those 2 questions to yourself.0 -
I'm doing it for me, but when you have a jealous, controlling spouse it makes it difficult to do anything for yourself. It's hard to want to workout when you have to fight every time you want to workout.0
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I'm doing it for me, but when you have a jealous, controlling spouse it makes it difficult to do anything for yourself. It's hard to want to workout when you have to fight every time you want to workout.
i don't mean to be giving you a hard time, but threads like this one pop up on here every couple of days and the answer is always the same...
1) nobody else controls what you eat
2) nobody else controls what you do
3) nobody else matters when it comes to why you are doing this
it doesn't sound like your issue is with your spouse and your exercise, it sounds like you have a deeper relationship issue there and one of the ways it manifests itself is with his disapproval of your working out. i don't think a fitness site can help with relationship problems like that.
however, when it comes to weight loss and fitness, you are in 100% control of yourself and nobody else can make you do anything you don't want to do or stop you from doing what you want to do... as long as you don't allow them to have that power over you.
find a time to workout when you'll have minimum conflict with your spouse. e.g., very early in the mornings works well in the summer if you exercise outdoors, because it avoids the heat of mid-afternoon.0 -
Perhaps he's afraid that if you look "better", "other males" might some how be more interested in you (and you in them). NOT logical, but jealous types, as you describe him may be "missing" logic in some areas. You'll have to decide what is more important to you. You CAN lose weight without going to exercise class, but if you accede to his control in this instance, will it affect your independence in the future (not a question I'm prepared to answer, but one you should probably consider)0
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This is a classic problem. Loved ones often don't want you to change. Or your new discipline makes them subconsciously feel like a slug, so they try to either sabotage your efforts..or just say nothing hoping it is just a "phase" and if no encouragement is given..you'll stop.
Don't fall prey to that. Do this for yourself. TAke pictures of yourself and be your own cheerleader. If you are counting on other people to support you or you won't lose weight. you will fail. Do if for you..ignore him and don't depend on him for your success.0 -
Maybe you can talk him into joining you in your work outs? Maybe he needs to lose and get healthy and he is jealous of your dedication? Have you told him how you feel? I live with my dad and when i first started dieting he would try to get me to eat all the time. I finally just had to tell him what his actions do to me and how important it is to me to stay focused and not eat all the junk food. He is more understanding now but sometimes tries to get me to eat and i just say "i cant eat that". Its hard for people who dont have a weight problem to understand what you are going through. Dont give up. Keep doing what youre doing. Talk to him. I wish you all the best and lots of success!0
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get rid of him. It will be the easiest weight you ever lost.....sorry to be so blunt but no one has the right to bring you down!!!!!!0
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Perhaps he's afraid that if you look "better", "other males" might some how be more interested in you (and you in them). NOT logical, but jealous types, as you describe him may be "missing" logic in some areas. You'll have to decide what is more important to you. You CAN lose weight without going to exercise class, but if you accede to his control in this instance, will it affect your independence in the future (not a question I'm prepared to answer, but one you should probably consider)
First off I want to say You look Great! Congrads on the hard work!!! I agree with what is quoted above, and I also want to let you know that my father went through similar circumstances. He lost 50 lbs while his wife of his three children had gone up from a size 0 to a size 12. She would always make snarky remarks about why did he need to workout, who was he trying to look good for, etc. Their solution was counseling. Now I understand your husband may not be up for that but there are clearly some other problems floating around that need to be anchored down and adjusted. My dad is, however, no longer married to this woman because all the other "problems" couldn't be resolved, but he was so glad they went to counseling. If that's too much for your husband then I would just encourage you to write down all the things that have been bothering you, and read the list off to him and calmly listen to his responses. Good luck, and Don't let anyone stop you from becoming a healthier you!!!0 -
I appreciate everyone's input, and I do try to get him to workout with me to try to keep the conflict down. I have talked to him over and over again, we get nowhere. I realize I do have complete control over my fitness and he does too, I believe that's why he can't stand it... It's just hard when my friends want to meet up to go run and I have to skip because of the fight it will cause. It's also embarrassing and not something I've told anyone except my trainer. I know this is an unhealthy relationship, but we're married with 3 kids and right now, I have to do what's best for them and that's to stay with him.0
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I'm doing it for me, but when you have a jealous, controlling spouse it makes it difficult to do anything for yourself. It's hard to want to workout when you have to fight every time you want to workout.
If hes so jealous that you cant even go work out that's a problem that usually does not change. might be time to do some thinking on the relationship if you cant even go somewhere because of his issues.0 -
get rid of him. It will be the easiest weight you ever lost.....sorry to be so blunt but no one has the right to bring you down!!!!!!
Thats how I dropped 500 pounds. I dropped to ex husbands!!!!:laugh:0 -
Thank you! He won't go to counseling, I've been on my own and she's the one who told me I need to start asserting my independence and finding hobbies that I enjoy. For 8 years, I've done nothing except take care of him and our kids. Maybe I should go back to her, but as you can imagine that was a fight also.0
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I know this is an unhealthy relationship, but we're married with 3 kids and right now, I have to do what's best for them and that's to stay with him.
Why is staying the only option? Do you want your children to see a bad relationship and think that's how it should be? An unhealthy relationship is no place for children. My mother stayed because of my brother and I... she should of left.
You can make it work on your own.
Controlling spouses only get worse. Children learn by what they see.. I wouldn't want them to think that's normal. DO what's best for you and your children (which doesn't mean staying).0 -
I appreciate everyone's input, and I do try to get him to workout with me to try to keep the conflict down. I have talked to him over and over again, we get nowhere. I realize I do have complete control over my fitness and he does too, I believe that's why he can't stand it... It's just hard when my friends want to meet up to go run and I have to skip because of the fight it will cause. It's also embarrassing and not something I've told anyone except my trainer. I know this is an unhealthy relationship, but we're married with 3 kids and right now, I have to do what's best for them and that's to stay with him.
Do you really think its best for them? its making their earliest examples of a relationship one that is controlling,filled with jealousy,where their mother cant even go run with friends because of the fights it will cause. That's what they are going to think is normal. I have never seen a case where someone like that got better,only worse.0 -
get rid of him. It will be the easiest weight you ever lost.....sorry to be so blunt but no one has the right to bring you down!!!!!!
I know
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get rid of him. It will be the easiest weight you ever lost.....sorry to be so blunt but no one has the right to bring you down!!!!!!
I know
Its really something you should think about for your kids. Im not sure if you have a daughter,but would you want her in that kind of relationship?0 -
I guess I think it's better to stay with him because I've only been allowed to work part-time and I have no way to support us financially. I don't even know how I would afford rent anywhere.0
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I appreciate everyone's input, and I do try to get him to workout with me to try to keep the conflict down. I have talked to him over and over again, we get nowhere. I realize I do have complete control over my fitness and he does too, I believe that's why he can't stand it... It's just hard when my friends want to meet up to go run and I have to skip because of the fight it will cause. It's also embarrassing and not something I've told anyone except my trainer. I know this is an unhealthy relationship, but we're married with 3 kids and right now, I have to do what's best for them and that's to stay with him.
Actually, I was in your shoes with 3 kids and a husband that was verbally abusive. If you think staying in an unhealthy relationship is what is best for the kids. You are far from the truth. My children where just as miserable as me and more depressed my son even attempted suicide because of our fighting and unhealthy relationship. Since I broke away from that situation. I am so much happier and my children are enjoying the life they deserve.
I am not saying to divorce him just reconsider your thinking that its what is best for the kids because it may not be just because you feel it is.0 -
I guess I think it's better to stay with him because I've only been allowed to work part-time and I have no way to support us financially. I don't even know how I would afford rent anywhere.
don't take relationship advice from people here. you've posted at most 1 paragraph describing your relationship from your perspective only and you're already being told to break up with your husband. this should be a huge red flag alerting you to how silly and uninformed the various relationship advice responses will be on here.0 -
Divorce!? Come on, y'all! ;-) Just happily go about your business. That's all you can do. And WE all here will cheer you on!
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I guess I think it's better to stay with him because I've only been allowed to work part-time and I have no way to support us financially. I don't even know how I would afford rent anywhere.
How old are your kids?0 -
..or just say nothing hoping it is just a "phase" and if no encouragement is given..you'll stop.
Don't fall prey to that. Do this for yourself. TAke pictures of yourself and be your own cheerleader.
This. This is great advice. This is my mother. She did this with me this afternoon. But I'm still feeling proud of myself for going out running early this morning. I think I have finally got that what I do about my own health has nothing to do with her. Ugh! 'Finally'? I'm 32!0 -
I would keep this in mind! You are the one that needs to be happy with yourself, that should be all that matters! Keep up the great work because you are doing great!0
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I appreciate everyone's input, and I do try to get him to workout with me to try to keep the conflict down. I have talked to him over and over again, we get nowhere. I realize I do have complete control over my fitness and he does too, I believe that's why he can't stand it... It's just hard when my friends want to meet up to go run and I have to skip because of the fight it will cause. It's also embarrassing and not something I've told anyone except my trainer. I know this is an unhealthy relationship, but we're married with 3 kids and right now, I have to do what's best for them and that's to stay with him.
Actually, I was in your shoes with 3 kids and a husband that was verbally abusive. If you think staying in an unhealthy relationship is what is best for the kids. You are far from the truth. My children where just as miserable as me and more depressed my son even attempted suicide because of our fighting and unhealthy relationship. Since I broke away from that situation. I am so much happier and my children are enjoying the life they deserve.
I am not saying to divorce him just reconsider your thinking that its what is best for the kids because it may not be just because you feel it is.
I know divorce is inevitable, I just need to get in a place where I can financially provide for them on my own.0 -
okay. I don't know if this will help and it will sound a little odd but here is something that works for me with my husband.
And to be fair my husband is a great guy. He does not intentionally do things to bother or hurt me, but you know sometimes it happens.
So, I once saw an episode of south park where the dog whisperer guy trains cartman and I actually took some lessons away.
If someone is trying to get a rise out of you use your body language and actions to tell them they don't control you and only control themselves. They will change their behavior on their own.
So, for example it takes two to fight. Don't fight. ignore negative behavior on his part like it didn't happen.
If your friend calls for a run, and there is no other reason that it would be rude on your part. Just get ready and tell him in a polite unaffected tone you are going for a run. IF he tantrums don't reward him with the fight he is picking. Act like nothing happened. Get your water. Get your gear and just say okay I am going now in a pleasant happy tone and head out.
Don't let his crazy affect you. Only respond to polite and appropriate behavior. If he wants to sit down and have a polite conversation on how you can balance your needs and his he will be rewarded with the reasonable conversation. But any bad behavior is ignored.
Bottom line you know you are in control of your exercise and diet. Make sure he knows you are. And actions speak louder then words. Don't let yourself be sucked into destructive exchanges.
Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.0 -
I work in a prison where the people there grew up in homes where they thought normal was to fight and argue. They turned to anything they could to try to mask their pain (drugs, alcohol, sex, etc). Now they sit there every day in therapy groups trying to find help in what is "normal in life". Children model what they see. I think you know your fights are not all over "exercising".0
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This sounds so familiar. My ex flat out told me he didn't want me to lose weight. I went from 135lbs to 230lbs after having 3 kids in 5 years. He was jealous and controlling as well. I couldn't do anything with my friends without him. I lost a lot of friends during that relationship. I thought it was best to stay with him for the kids, but I now realize that was not the answer. We have been separated now, pending finalization on our divorce, for 2 years. My life has improved drastically, which has reflected on my kids. They don't have to witness fights anymore. I've heard that it's a lot harder to divorce when the kids are older. That it causes more trauma for them. I'm no doctor or psychiatrist, that's just what I've heard. My only regret is that I didn't leave sooner (like, right after my youngest was born, cause I couldn't imagine a life without all my kids).0
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Okay Sister, this is serious. Get counseling. Call a battered women's shelter [controlling spouses often end up as batterers].
Set your limits and stick to them.
Here's a phrase:
"Honey, I love you but I AM in charge of my body and I will work out. If you want to discuss it you are welcome to come to
counseling with me, if not, the discussion is over BECAUSE I don't want to fight.
Keep running.
Please, be safe, your posts scare me--your husband sounds like he has problems beyond simply being unsupportive.
Good luck.0 -
.... I've only been allowed to work part-time and I have no way to support us financially....
This particular sentence really disturbs me. Your use of the word "allowed" makes me very worried for you. I am concerned that this is a purposeful attempt to keep you trapped in an abusive cycle by depriving you of any money which would allow you to escape.
I think you should read this:
According to the U.S. Department of Justice, domestic violence may include:
Physical abuse such as slapping, kicking, hitting, shoving, or other physical force.
Sexual abuse including rape, sexual assault, forced prostitution, or interfering with birth control.
Emotional abuse such as shouting, name-calling, humiliation, constant criticism, or harming the victim’s relationship with her or his children.
Psychological abuse including threats to harm the victims' family, friends, children, co-workers, or pets, isolation, mind games, destruction of victims' property, or stalking.
Economic abuse such as controlling the victim’s money, withholding money for basic needs, interfering with school or job, or damaging the victim’s credit.
Several or all of the above forms of violence and abuse may take place.
http://www.safehorizon.org/index/what-we-do-2/domestic-violence--abuse-53.html
Hotline Phone Numbers
Domestic Violence Hotline:
800.621.HOPE (4673)
Crime Victims Hotline:
866.689.HELP (4357)
Rape & Sexual Assault Hotline:
212.227.3000
TDD phone number for all hotlines:
866.604.5350
My point is, if he is doing this on purpose and if stay with him and you'll likely NEVER have the money to leave him (as per his plans).
Please think through your relationship very carefully. I agree that we're all armchair abuse counselors, but you may have a very real problem on your hands.0 -
I guess I think it's better to stay with him because I've only been allowed to work part-time and I have no way to support us financially. I don't even know how I would afford rent anywhere.
don't take relationship advice from people here. you've posted at most 1 paragraph describing your relationship from your perspective only and you're already being told to break up with your husband. this should be a huge red flag alerting you to how silly and uninformed the various relationship advice responses will be on here.
You're right that we don't know the whole story... but (as she said it herself) her spouse being controlling, not wanting her to go for a run with her friends or go to the gym, her being too afraid to tell him she's going for a run because she knows it will make him mad, him only "allowing" her to have a part time job, etc are all signs of a wrong relationship. A controlling spouse only gets worse... along with the fact that she feels staying is her only option because of the children. A good spouse is encouraging. A good spouse supports you and cheers you on.
Children should not have to see that behaviour. They only look at it and think that is what a normal relationship should be when we all know it shouldn't.
OP, you said you needed to be in a place to support you and your children on your own... what about staying with a friend, family member? Until you can get a place of your own. Go out and look for a full time job .. or another part time job... whatever you need to do to get out and support yourself and your children.
In the meantime, don't fight with him. Simply tell him you will speak with him when he's not yelling at you. Calmly tell him you're going for a run, going to the gym, etc and than just leave. Don't fight with him.0
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