Competitive Friends

MSeel1984

So...I have this friend-have mentioned it before...she came over on Friday with her new puppy (German Shepherd).

The dog was anti-social (granted, it was very young), but had zero interest in smelling my dogs, being around my dogs...or playing. It hid in the corner. Now I will say this up front to be fair, my dogs are boxers. They're rambunctious, crazy and overall extremely playful and high energy dogs. They're also a good deal bigger than her pup. That being said, when I brought Zuzu (our baby-just now 5 months) home, she had zero fear of our bigger dog (65 lb Booker). She played with him-at least sniffed him to be polite.

Long story short, my older dog did not like that her pup was being antisocial...he came around to sniff and investigate...the german shepherd puppy ran. My dog took after it and barked, hair standing on end. He never bit her...he did get her corner and generally scared the stuffing out of her. I scolded him and removed him from the situation immediately, crating him until my friend's husband could pick the puppy up and take it home.

Zuzu tried to play with the pup, but she was having nothing of it. She hid in a corner and only came out of her shell when I told my friend that the puppy could be on the couch with her since she was so afraid.

This friend of mine essentially hinted that I was not a good pet owner because I didn't pick the most docile pup in the litter. And that her puppy was overall better behaved and more well trained. She also had mentioned that at home, her puppy is more dominant and doesn't usually obey her commands...(?)

My two dogs play together. They play fight together. They cuddle together. I am aware that my older dog has problems socializing with other dogs (which is why I no longer take him to a dog park)...but he usually does well with puppies (and he did great last night with our friend's little pitt puppy...sniffing and licking...he was curious but not aggressive.)

The point of my story is this.

My friend often hints that overall she's better than me...skinnier, prettier, looks more like Zooey Deschanel, her dog is better behaved, she has more work drama....everything seems to revolve around her. We plan a day of shopping together during which I told her I only wanted to go to one store and then we could do whatever she wanted-we did only the shopping she wanted to do and never went to the one store I requested to go to.

You might be asking at this point why I'm friends with her. The truth is that sometimes she's really nice. But lately our friendship seems so competitive. I end up feeling bad about myself after we hang out. I'm easily four sizes bigger than she is but I'm not big by any means...What should I do. Cutting my ties with her is hard because our husbands are good friends so we see each other a lot socially.

Jonesingmucho

Win the competition. Sleep with her husband too. That will teach her.

LOL just kidding! just kidding!

You are lovely and wonderful.
I am a very competitive person, but competition in friendship isn't necessary. When I have felt a friend leaning toward competition, I handle it with humor. I bow and say you are right...you are always right...the earth doesn't revolve without checking your schedule first master. They get the point after awhile.

I would adjust my mindset and realize there is no competition at all. She might be jelly for some reason and you could be more assertive when she tries to ignore your shopping requests and rule the whole day.

lostdogg

M, Jonesey nailed this one. Competition is good in certain arenas, but not in every aspect of a friendship. I had this very same talk with another person just the other day about one of her friends that was getting controlling and posting things on Facebook to lay guilt trips on my friend any time she hung out with someone else. She's jelly. It could spawn from her being berated as a child or from her husband being controlling or even from her social network of friends in the past being competitive. Any number of things really. But, regardless of the cause you must set ground rules to a friendship or eventually you get run over. You can do as Jonesey said and handle with humor and light sarcasm until she gets the hint. Or you can be more direct and tell her how unpleasant it makes you feel when she says and does these things and be specific when you do. Or you can fade to a bit of being antisocial towards her is you don't want it to continue at all. Only you know your friend well enough to choose which path would work best. Your friend may not even realize she's doing it and may just need a wake up call on it you know.

And for goodness sakes, don't sleep with her hubby........ Although that would "win" the competition.
Silly Jonesey...... :laugh:

I'm sure you will make the right choice. Just don't bottle it up.

gigglybeth

Just because your husbands are friends doesn't mean you have to be friends with her. Friendly, yes, but you don't have to hang out socially outside of when you get together as a couple. I would just distance myself from her. If she asks you to hang out just say you've got plans already. She doesn't have to know that your plans are sitting home avoiding her.

Anyone who goes out of their way to tell you how pretty, smart, or generally awesome they are usually feels anything but and is trying to convince themselves as much as anyone else.

MSeel1984

Anyone who goes out of their way to tell you how pretty, smart, or generally awesome they are usually feels anything but and is trying to convince themselves as much as anyone else.

That part makes me feel bad.

She doesn't do this in a direct way...but she talks about her weight a LOT...she's a size 0-2 and I'm a size 6...she'll talk about how she's avoiding certain foods because she doesn't want to get fat or how she needs to work out more.

She even cut and dyed her hair darker to look like mine/Zooey Deschanel because I get comments that I look like her a LOT (it's almost laughable).

I'm not telling her she has to be less beautiful than she is or that she needs to put on weight so I feel better about myself...but when she constantly talks about how she needs to be in better shape or is avoiding certain foods...it makes me feel bad. I'm bigger than she is and she's down on herself (She's got a gorgeous figure and I don't think she needs to change one bit).

It's just sad. We used to get along like sisters and lately I feel like I can't be around her.

seepersaud

...My friend often hints that overall she's better than me...skinnier, prettier, looks more like Zooey Deschanel, her dog is better behaved, she has more work drama....everything seems to revolve around her. We plan a day of shopping together during which I told her I only wanted to go to one store and then we could do whatever she wanted-we did only the shopping she wanted to do and never went to the one store I requested to go to.

You might be asking at this point why I'm friends with her. The truth is that sometimes she's really nice. But lately our friendship seems so competitive. I end up feeling bad about myself after we hang out. I'm easily four sizes bigger than she is but I'm not big by any means...What should I do. Cutting my ties with her is hard because our husbands are good friends so we see each other a lot socially.

Distance is a good thing. It may not be necessary to cut her out of your life yet, but spending less time with her would be good. It's amazing how much of a boost you get from avoiding negativity. I had a friendship where the other guy would spend lots of time acting as if he was cooler and more exciting than I was. The conversations just got to be so tiresome. I made myself less available then eventually ended the friendship. Felt like a huge weight came off my shoulders.

One of my favorite people to hang with is my bowling/golf buddy. Down to earth guy. I'm sure he has drama in his life; he just chooses not to dump any on me. And, he's not trying to one-up me on every aspect of life. After we get together, it's amazing how I feel lifted up just by not having had someone deplete me with negativity. My only complaint is that I wish we hung out more often.

MSeel1984

Distance is a good thing. It may not be necessary to cut her out of your life yet, but spending less time with her would be good. It's amazing how much of a boost you get from avoiding negativity. I had a friendship where the other guy would spend lots of time acting as if he was cooler and more exciting than I was. The conversations just got to be so tiresome. I made myself less available then eventually ended the friendship. Felt like a huge weight came off my shoulders.

One of my favorite people to hang with is my bowling/golf buddy. Down to earth guy. I'm sure he has drama in his life; he just chooses not to dump any on me. And, he's not trying to one-up me on every aspect of life. After we get together, it's amazing how I feel lifted up just by not having had someone deplete me with negativity. My only complaint is that I wish we hung out more often.

It's amazing you should make that comment because the same thing is sort of happening to me.

I have a very good friend at work and she and I have become close. Her fiancee and my husband have also become very good friends. She's seen me through a lot and recently asked me to be in her wedding-only two attendants so far and I'm the only one besides her MOH! She and I share a lot and and are able to have great conversations where it's not one-sided...I feel better about myself and uplifted after we spend time together...I've found myself spending a lot more time with her recently than this other friend mentioned above.