Compliment or Criticism...?

DebSozo

Mavrick_RN wrote: »

RoxieDawn wrote: »

My husband lost 65 pounds in 9 1/2 months last year and the world.. I mean the entire world including his grown daughters that do not see him but a couple of time a years all asked "you lost weight, are you sick"?? or "you lost weigh are you sure everything is ok in life?"

I would take these comments as a "How can you possibly be losing weight because you want to. Nobody can do that, you must be sick"

It is an unspoken compliment that you were able to apply enough self discipline to accomplish a goal that is very difficult for most people.

I would just say, "Thank you for noticing. I've worked hard to lose weight." If they had said something unflattering it confuses them. If they had meant well it pleases them. Lol.

jwcanfield

Lots of us (and you know who we are) have talked about our weight or body problems in the past, even when dining with friends and throwing the "diet" word around. As in, "I can't have that because I'm on this or that diet". Or made comments about clothes not looking good on us because of our lack of waistline or some such. So when people make their comments it's often in the context of conversations that may have inadvertently been started by me at some point in the past. We can be guilty of being our own most vocal critic!

upoffthemat

Sometimes people just say really stupid things. Don't take it personally. I have better things to do then worry about what others think about me.

powered85

Lynzdee18 wrote: »

Oh my. This is right on the mark!

My husband's been told to get me a sandwich.

I've been told to eat a sandwich too. That and family members who have been well overweight for a long time telling me I'm too thin and need to put on weight. Best shape I've ever been in and well within my bmi range. Hard to tell why people say these things.

FABRICWOMAN

trinairby wrote: »

It's so weird to me how people will tell you that you are too skinny, but not tell you that you're overweight. Both are rude. Unless you are a person who is close to me and we have enough rapport for you to discuss my weight, just DON'T.
I gained over 10 lbs last year when I neglected my health and when I finally got sick of feeling like a stuffed sausage in all my work clothes I told folks I was about to tighten up ship, SO MANY people said "You are already thin!" or "You don't need to lose anything!". Well I know what weight I like to be at, I wasn't at it, and was tired of having muffin top and wearing big tops and leggings. Let me do me, you do you!

I just love your comment, especially the last sentence "Let me do me, you do you". I'm going to get this printed on a tee shirt to wear when I go to my mother's house. She will greet me at the door with a platter of fried chicken, and an hour later will tell me how heavy I am. She has been doing this for years. Very confusing at times.

FABRICWOMAN

shinycrazy wrote: »

stealthq wrote: »

It's all about perspective and what people are used to seeing.

So much this! A friend of mine and I are within an inch of each other in height and nearly the same weight (within 5lbs). I've lost 110lbs already and would like to lose 50 more. But she thinks I'm good where I am (but she still wants to lose 30lbs). She thinks my body looks different. I think it's because I look drastically different than I used to. If someone meet me now, they wouldn't think I looked thin. For most people, I take it in stride, smile, say thank you and change the subject.

First of all I would like to congratulate you in your weight loss journey with losing 110 lbs. I myself have just started my journey 1/17/16, and have lost a total of 66 lbs. so far with 90 more to go. It is a journey sometimes with many pitfalls, but those who make it through should be lifted up and not felt trodded on. I'm not feeling the friendship with your friend. I almost think that she is trying to sabotage you due to jealousy. If anyone should know what you had to accomplish it should be her. Maybe the word jealousy is too hard, she could be scared. Well I am happy for you.

MarkusDarwath

km8907 wrote: »

I've always been on the fence on this one. I think some people cannot recognize when they have become too skinny, like my mom that's 120 pounds and still thinks she's fat. I think people concentrate too hard on a number that they feel they have to reach in order to be successful, instead of really looking at their bodies and recognizing that they're already at a healthy weight. BMI isn't always the best indicator of YOUR specific healthy weight.

This, a thousand times. BMI really is such a poor metric. As an estimate of body fat it's really only accurate for sedentary people, and mostly those who are also medium framed. People get so hung up on what that stupid chart says they should weigh instead of their actual body composition. According to BMI, I should weigh between 160 and 195. The last time I was in that range was in high school. Started my senior year at 170 and ended at 195 thanks to weight lifting. I was still skinnier than i wanted to be. My current goal weight is 220, and I'm shooting for that along with 15% body fat. IMO, at my age and frame size there is absolutely no good reason for me to weigh less than that. I absolutely don't care what some boneheaded height to weight ratio chart says.

wizzybeth

STEVE142142 wrote: »

Maybe it's my personality but it really doesn't bother me what they say. What I'm going to say next may sound arrogant but a lot of the people here probably understand where I'm coming from. We have a different mindset and a different perspective then a lot of people out there have.

One of the biggest insults someone who is successful hears is that you're so lucky. What the average person doesn't understand is all you've had to sacrifice and endure. Al luck is when opportunity and preparedness meet.

They don't understand the time and effort we've put in into this journey the planning thinking about what we're going to have and how much and the consequences of not doing the right thing. Simple truth is many of them aren't willing to do what we do.

So enjoy the journey all you lucky people.

Yes. My girlfriend said "I HATE YOU" in a playful way when I was briefly under 200 lbs. I was like...Why? You can do it the same way I did it - it's not like the Weight Loss Fairy visited me and took my weight away miraculously.

So the next time someone tells me I'm "so lucky!" - I could respond with "Yes, I am very lucky in that I have the determination and discipline to put all the effort and sacrifice into losing weight." That is, when I get back there again, lol

wizzybeth

trinairby wrote: »

It's so weird to me how people will tell you that you are too skinny, but not tell you that you're overweight. Both are rude. Unless you are a person who is close to me and we have enough rapport for you to discuss my weight, just DON'T.
I gained over 10 lbs last year when I neglected my health and when I finally got sick of feeling like a stuffed sausage in all my work clothes I told folks I was about to tighten up ship, SO MANY people said "You are already thin!" or "You don't need to lose anything!". Well I know what weight I like to be at, I wasn't at it, and was tired of having muffin top and wearing big tops and leggings. Let me do me, you do you!

Oh my dad had no problem telling people they were overweight - including ME when I was NOT overweight! And my former boss, who I had not seen in over 10 years, ran into me in a store about 3 days after my 2nd child was born, and said "Packin' on the pounds, eh kiddo!"

Moxie42

I think the vast majority of people intend for comments like that to be compliments. Some people DO like getting comments like that, and some don't. Some people even get upset if no one comments on their weight loss and then they're asking "how long until people notice?" So thinking of it from an outsider's perspective- how is a person to know the right thing to do?

I think people are just very sensitive when it comes to weight (understandably!) If someone is complimented on a new haircut, you never hear them say "so you're saying my hair was ugly before?!" So why do we get so defensive when someone says "you lost weight- you look good!" The "you're not still losing it" part of the comment...yeah it's uncalled for but it's understandable for people to be concerned. We all hear stories of people who lose weight and then get unhealthily obsessed with losing more and more, never being happy no matter how much they lose. Or people who lose a ton of weight but they do it unhealthily through starving or crazy crazy diets or pills. Plus if you're used to seeing someone on the larger side and suddenly they're smaller than ever, the difference can be shocking and misleading. And then there's the fact that some people just suck at how to word things. My boss insults me all the time thinking it's a compliment- "you wrote that? wow, it was so well-written I thought John wrote it!" or "You had 100 people at your wedding? I never would have expected that!" So I take the compliments when they come and shrug off HIS inability to communicate!

emmadonaldson95

mrs_madison_keane wrote: »

Does anyone else get the comment, "You're not still trying to lose weight... are you?!" This super confusing comment usually comes up after they've just said something along the lines of "You look great!," and then they follow it up with such an awkward statement like that. I just don't understand... Is this supposed to be a compliment? Because it sort of feels backhanded to me. Oh and side-note.... When did my weight loss become a comfortable subject for someone else to comment on at all?

I get it... I lost 65ish pounds last year, so people are bound to notice. But is a comment like that supposed to make me feel good about myself...? Because it just makes me feel self-conscious.

Anyone else feel this way...? Anyone have thoughts on a good response besides nervous awkward laughter...?

Personally I feel complimented if people notice my weightloss because they're acknowledging my hard work. Perhaps it's different because i was only 140lb to start with and only 123lb now so it isn't an enormous loss so people dont notice it a hole lot.
I think they mean it in a you look great stop stressing about your weight type way. But i guess if you are looking very thin they could be hinting you're overdoing it. I think what is meant by the 'you arent still trying to lose weight?' comment will vary a lot on how you look.

Lynzdee18

emmadonaldson95 wrote: »

mrs_madison_keane wrote: »

Does anyone else get the comment, "You're not still trying to lose weight... are you?!" This super confusing comment usually comes up after they've just said something along the lines of "You look great!," and then they follow it up with such an awkward statement like that. I just don't understand... Is this supposed to be a compliment? Because it sort of feels backhanded to me. Oh and side-note.... When did my weight loss become a comfortable subject for someone else to comment on at all?

I get it... I lost 65ish pounds last year, so people are bound to notice. But is a comment like that supposed to make me feel good about myself...? Because it just makes me feel self-conscious.

Anyone else feel this way...? Anyone have thoughts on a good response besides nervous awkward laughter...?

Personally I feel complimented if people notice my weightloss because they're acknowledging my hard work. Perhaps it's different because i was only 140lb to start with and only 123lb now so it isn't an enormous loss so people dont notice it a hole lot.
I think they mean it in a you look great stop stressing about your weight type way. But i guess if you are looking very thin they could be hinting you're overdoing it. I think what is meant by the 'you arent still trying to lose weight?' comment will vary a lot on how you look.

I do agree it may be that you didn't have a huge number of pounds to lose. When a person loses 50 or more pounds, it's a shock to those who haven't seen them for a while, but honestly, for me it feels the same as if I had gained 60 pounds and a person said, "my lord, you're so fat. Don't gain any more. Step away from the dessert tray! "

Just my opinion but I stand by my belief that weight and body issues are not an acceptable topic of conversation. There are just certain things that are off limits.

amusedmonkey

People just want to say something following a comment because it's less awkward than saying nothing. In most cases it's not a carefully rationalized sentence meant to have a certain connotation. Don't take it to heart.

Personally? I consider that a compliment because I don't believe people are inherently mean and hide ulterior motives behind their words. Some people are not comfortable with their weight being discusses but I don't mind it, I never did even at my highest weight. In most cases the person is likely mentioning my weight loss because they feel it would be a pleasant topic to bring up assuming I would be proud of it.

DebSozo

Lynzdee18 wrote: »

emmadonaldson95 wrote: »

mrs_madison_keane wrote: »

Does anyone else get the comment, "You're not still trying to lose weight... are you?!" This super confusing comment usually comes up after they've just said something along the lines of "You look great!," and then they follow it up with such an awkward statement like that. I just don't understand... Is this supposed to be a compliment? Because it sort of feels backhanded to me. Oh and side-note.... When did my weight loss become a comfortable subject for someone else to comment on at all?

I get it... I lost 65ish pounds last year, so people are bound to notice. But is a comment like that supposed to make me feel good about myself...? Because it just makes me feel self-conscious.

Anyone else feel this way...? Anyone have thoughts on a good response besides nervous awkward laughter...?

Personally I feel complimented if people notice my weightloss because they're acknowledging my hard work. Perhaps it's different because i was only 140lb to start with and only 123lb now so it isn't an enormous loss so people dont notice it a hole lot.
I think they mean it in a you look great stop stressing about your weight type way. But i guess if you are looking very thin they could be hinting you're overdoing it. I think what is meant by the 'you arent still trying to lose weight?' comment will vary a lot on how you look.

...Just my opinion but I stand by my belief that weight and body issues are not an acceptable topic of conversation. There are just certain things that are off limits.

I usually say something like, "Wow, you've lost a lot of weight since I saw you last. Congratulations." It never occurred to me that people would be offended. Oops. Usually people smile and seem pleased. I haven't had a negative response when I remark on weight loss. Or else I possibly did offend them but they were polite to me anyhow? I usually view weight loss as something that is okay to compliment on, but maybe I should stop. I've seen a lot of people on the threads that say that no one noticed and wish that they did though. So it's difficult to know.

Dove0804

I agree that I don't believe weight and body issues are acceptable conversation topics UNLESS they are brought up by the individual themselves. I have known way too many people who lost weight secondary to chemotherapy or other illness (i.e. uncontrolled diabetes), anxiety, depression, eating disorders... things that they may not be sharing with others. Even well-meaning compliments in those situations can leave someone feeling just awful.

Usually (not always, but usually) I find that people who are actively trying to lose weight and are receptive to compliments will be shouting their efforts from the rooftops. They're more open about the fact they are trying to lose weight- if someone brings it up in conversation, I'll go ahead and compliment, but usually I try to focus on the individual and not their body.

There are those who don't talk about their weight loss and get upset when people don't give them compliments which I have seen on the boards here- I would say that's being unreasonable.

Or, if you're not sure and the person hasn't brought up the subject but you still want to say something, I think it might be a good idea to ask someone if they were trying to lose weight before complimenting.

I always think it will be a hot topic, though. I know most comments are well-meaning, but if you're uncomfortable with anything someone says, I think a changing of the subject and moving on might be the best tactic.