I need relationship advice...LDR SUCKS

PhattiPhat

you guys are too awesome. Since I'm loving the advice I'm going to take it a step further. He and I spoke on the phone earlier and it was a normal, chatty, goofy conversation, but not very intimate. I could tell something was wrong. I asked, and he said he was just exhausted. After a while I hung up and told him to go take a nap and he said he'd text me tomorrow. I'm thinking about sending him the following email, good idea or bad?

"When I'm feeling down, I read this message from you.**

You've seemed a little down lately. Not your usual self. I know this move has been hard for you in a number of ways. And I know you don't always want to talk about stuff when you're upset or feeling depressed. I just want you to know I'm here for you. I hope you know that. I'm always on your side.

I've been all-together way too needy lately. Its a product of the long distance and not getting that comfort and confidence I'm used to from you in person. Its just been a little harder than I anticipated. I'm working on it.

Maybe as an anniversary present you'd consider getting skype? Its free and I'd love to be able to vid chat every once in a while. I think it would help. Just think about it.

Love you babe. Here for you always. Counting the days. Have a great Monday!

Yours,

Squirrelzzrule22

**replying to a message from him sent on June 6: "I love you more than anything. The last month has been a feeling of building dread that there would be some big fight or sore feelings, and I'm so glad there haven't been. You have made my time here worth cherishing, and I love you." Referencing the month leading up to him leaving.

1. You apologize for being needy, then ask him to get skype. And the way you're wording the whole thing sounds so apologetic and, honestly, it's coming across as needy even if that isn't your intent.

2. He's relieved that so far there hasn't been big fights or sore feelings. Don't start one by looking for something that isn't there. If he says he's ok, take it at face value and let him sort his sh1t out in the new place. Trust me, he will miss you big time if you step back a little.

(Please don't take this the wrong way, just trying to be as straightforward as I can to you)

squirrelzzrule22

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1. You apologize for being needy, then ask him to get skype. And the way you're wording the whole thing sounds so apologetic and, honestly, it's coming across as needy even if that isn't your intent.

2. He's relieved that so far there hasn't been big fights or sore feelings. Don't start one by looking for something that isn't there. If he says he's ok, take it at face value and let him sort his sh1t out in the new place. Trust me, he will miss you big time if you step back a little.

(Please don't take this the wrong way, just trying to be as straightforward as I can to you)
[/quote]


No I appreciate it! And I see what you mean. I do sound apologetic...because I am! I know I'm being annoying. But what you say is true, and it helps to hear it. I don't think it really qualifies as a "fight" per say, and I definitely think it needs to be discussed eventually (at some level, my needs are valid, no?) but I think you're right about backing off. Its hard to see clearly when you're in the situation, which is why I seek the advice!

How would you suggest I breach the skype issue? I'd love him to get it!


ETA: Just to clarify, not going to send the email tonight. Maybe another time. It helps to write it out and I think you're right, the apologetic stuff is a little annoying even though I think I'm being nice by taking responsibility for my neediness.

StarChanger

Men are very different from women in that they are really good at COMPARTMENTALIZING! If he is busy, then he's not going to be hung up on you, and he may be making himself busy so he doesn't feel the pain of being apart from you.

Just because he doesn't say he loves you doesn't mean he doesn't love you.

Um, yeah, and to add....needy clinging 'I love you, do you love me' behavior WILL make him open his eyes and start to look around.
Let him chase you until you catch him. He can't miss you until you give him the chance to feel his own pain of not having you, so like you said in your original post, back WAAAAAYYYY off. It will either bring you closer together, or if for some unknown reason your worst fears come true, better to find out when you are 25 instead of 35 with 2 or 3 kids to deal with.

Sooo...as a Navy wife who has lived through EIGHT deployments, with a very quiet man / husband, I have to agree with this.....and all the people advising Skype.

LDRs suck, and there is no denying that. However, they CAN be survived....but YOU have to be tougher than him. :smokin:

Good luck!!!:drinker:

labeachgirl

I'd be upbeat and non-apologetic.

Maybe say...

"Hey, a lot of the military couples use skype for deployments, so I thought it would be a great thing for us too. All you have to do is download the app on your laptop or facetime on an iphone and add each other as contacts. It's free...so we can chat, or watch a movie together, or we play strip poker... lol"

I guarantee the last part will be the hook to get him on skype, if he wants to reconnect.

squirrelzzrule22

Men are very different from women in that they are really good at COMPARTMENTALIZING! If he is busy, then he's not going to be hung up on you, and he may be making himself busy so he doesn't feel the pain of being apart from you.

Just because he doesn't say he loves you doesn't mean he doesn't love you.

Um, yeah, and to add....needy clinging 'I love you, do you love me' behavior WILL make him open his eyes and start to look around.
Let him chase you until you catch him. He can't miss you until you give him the chance to feel his own pain of not having you, so like you said in your original post, back WAAAAAYYYY off. It will either bring you closer together, or if for some unknown reason your worst fears come true, better to find out when you are 25 instead of 35 with 2 or 3 kids to deal with.

Sooo...as a Navy wife who has lived through EIGHT deployments, with a very quiet man / husband, I have to agree with this.....and all the people advising Skype.

LDRs suck, and there is no denying that. However, they CAN be survived....but YOU have to be tougher than him. :smokin:

Good luck!!!:drinker:

Haha thank you! And congrats on making it through all that and I'm glad your husband is safe and sound!

squirrelzzrule22

I'd be upbeat and non-apologetic.

Maybe say...

"Hey, a lot of the military couples use skype for deployments, so I thought it would be a great thing for us too. All you have to do is download the app on your laptop or facetime on an iphone and add each other as contacts. It's free...so we can chat, or watch a movie together, or we play strip poker... lol"

I guarantee the last part will be the hook to get him on skype, if he wants to reconnect.

Haha! That's a good plan for sure. I think I will give it a few days and then do something like this. Going to try to give a bunch of space for now! Should be easy because work is a nightmare the next few days...

PhattiPhat

1. You apologize for being needy, then ask him to get skype. And the way you're wording the whole thing sounds so apologetic and, honestly, it's coming across as needy even if that isn't your intent.

2. He's relieved that so far there hasn't been big fights or sore feelings. Don't start one by looking for something that isn't there. If he says he's ok, take it at face value and let him sort his sh1t out in the new place. Trust me, he will miss you big time if you step back a little.

(Please don't take this the wrong way, just trying to be as straightforward as I can to you)



No I appreciate it! And I see what you mean. I do sound apologetic...because I am! I know I'm being annoying. But what you say is true, and it helps to hear it. I don't think it really qualifies as a "fight" per say, and I definitely think it needs to be discussed eventually (at some level, my needs are valid, no?) but I think you're right about backing off. Its hard to see clearly when you're in the situation, which is why I seek the advice!

How would you suggest I breach the skype issue? I'd love him to get it!


ETA: Just to clarify, not going to send the email tonight. Maybe another time. It helps to write it out and I think you're right, the apologetic stuff is a little annoying even though I think I'm being nice by taking responsibility for my neediness.

Skype Issue- Just text him or tell him next time ya'll talk....the way you would if he was in the next room. Be like "Babe, get a Skype acct I miss seeing your sexy *kitten*" Or something to that effect lol. Point being, keep it light hearted cause it really is:)

I have been in an LDR so know how it feels.

Keep this in mind for perspective. He moved to a different place while you stayed behind. YOU have all the reminders of the relationship... like places you hung out, places you ate, places you got busy in etc etc. Every time you see those places, they will remind you of him and it hurts like a *****. He, on the other hand, is in a whole new setting. Everywhere he looks is something different or new, and not associated with you. He may miss you with all his heart, but he is preoccupied with his new setting and new activities. Does that mean it's trouble? Hell no. He might be using it to not think about how much he misses you, so he's kinda lucky in that regard. I can almost bet if you were the one that moved and he stayed behind, you wouldn't be feeling insecure.

You mentioned seeing him soon. Most guys are pretty straightforward when it comes to feelings. He's probably excited and happy that you're coming so he won't waste emotion on pining away.

By the way, I married my LDR 7 yrs ago and we have a kid and all is good. Don't worry so much and have faith in your love for each other. Sometimes being apart is the bigger test.

squirrelzzrule22

Thank you! You're all too great and helpful!

Taking a deep breath, focusing on me. Only texting when he reaches out first. Taking my time responding. in a few days, bringing up Skype in a lighthearted way. Not going to stress when he doesn't say "I love you" because those feelings didn't go away in a week or two and I should know he does. Saving any more "serious" conversations for when we're in person. Pulling back but remaining loyal. Being tougher than him because I already know I am! And not letting my stress about this affect my health and fitness...it's destroyed my appetite which is not conducive to good lifting sessions.

Anything I'm leaving off the list? Thanks again. Sometimes it takes the outside perspective of strangers to get me out of my own head and seeing clearly!

gogojodee

Just stop acting so clingy and desperate. This time apart defines you both. If he doesn't stay true or falls "out of love" then it's better to know that before progressing any further.

legreene515

Thank you! You're all too great and helpful!

Taking a deep breath, focusing on me. Only texting when he reaches out first. Taking my time responding. in a few days, bringing up Skype in a lighthearted way. Not going to stress when he doesn't say "I love you" because those feelings didn't go away in a week or two and I should know he does. Saving any more "serious" conversations for when we're in person. Pulling back but remaining loyal. Being tougher than him because I already know I am! And not letting my stress about this affect my health and fitness...it's destroyed my appetite which is not conducive to good lifting sessions.

Anything I'm leaving off the list? Thanks again. Sometimes it takes the outside perspective of strangers to get me out of my own head and seeing clearly!

I think you can approach Skype in a fun loving way. And like one of the PP said, say something like, "I miss your Sexy A**" And then say something like, "Skype can be used for a lot more than talking," if you get my drift! ;-)