Obsession, Fear and Losing Weight

Inspired_Momma

***Mental Rant Post***

I have suffered from disordered eating for the last 15 years, at times it was a bull blown eating disorder (which I got treatment) and now it flips and flops at various times but one thing remains the same, is the fear of it becoming obsessional. And how easy I lapse into that thought process and then give up my goals because I cant cope with it consuming my mind completely.

This week I started again (for the 3rd since Jan maybe), over the last 12 months I have gained 30lbs. In the last 8 weeks, I gained between 5-7lbs of that 30lbs.

So i'm back now tracking my portions here and my intake, and I've cut out coffee, and a lot of the processed foods I had been eating, but again it starts, all I can think about its so much I want to eat and how angry I am that I can't eat and exercise normally. How I can't eat just what I want when I want. I want chocolate so bad but I'm just not having it because I can't control my intake of sugar, it has spiraled in recent weeks.

I can't seem to stay on plan for longer than 10 days before life slowly gets in the way, or someone passes a comment about exercise or food and I feel like i'm not doing enough or i'm not good enough or they make me feel like I'm a failure.

I know weight wise, i'm only marginally overweight. I want to lose about 38lbs in total to bring me from 173.5 - 135, I want to get toned and lean. They are my goals. But it seems so far away, and i'm so scared of getting more obsessed than I am not, and so scared of failing again.

I'm fed up of the words fitspiration, motivation, fit not fat... all of this bullsh*t that we are constantly being told. Strong is better than skinny, it just drives me insane. I don't know what I want to be anymore, I don't know how to have a healthy approach to all of this, obsessional feels like the only way i'll achieve anything. The only time I have to work out (unless i get up at 5am) is in the gym at work, and I've been battling through my anxiety on this for the last number of weeks but i will literally only try to run on the same treadmill at the same time in the same clothes, i panic if i'm on a treadmill that isn't in my comfort zone and I panic if anyone I remotely know comes in the gym.

I was told by a family member that I probably shouldn't be running, that it would be easier when I lost some weight and not as heavy. I was told by another that biking on a turbo trainer wasn't as good as getting outside (which logically is fine) but why is nothing I want to do ever enough to satisfy people. I should only be looking after myself I know, but then why won't they shut up!

If you have read this rant with me, thank you! I appreciate it, I just really needed to let that stress out and maybe someone will understand.

TRIX5884

We have similar goals weight wise. My weight has been up and down throughout the years. I understand the obsession that comes with trying to stay in goals and meet certain criteria. I freak out when I go to the gym if I don't have on my pedometer AND my heart rate monitor. I have left the gym because of it before. You just have to start to take a breath and know that any activity you are doing - any portion control you are doing - is better than not doing anything at all. It's hard - and EASY to get lost in your mind over things - but you are the only one who can take that step back and look at the whole picture. You are NOT a failure - you are here - you are trying - you are doing more than most people. Do not give up. All the small things? They add up!

goldthistime

Exercise is said to help with anxiety (works for me) so I think it's a good thing that you are trying to get some in, but it's much less important for weight loss than accurate tracking and staying under goal. So workout at the gym, go for a power walk, buy some hand weights for at home, do whatever you want to do but know that it's not critical to lose weight. Hopefully it's something you actually enjoy. No need to stress if you can't make it happen that day. Sounds to me like you should aim for a s-l-o-w weight loss, again as I am. 0.5 lb/week for me. I try to keep my protein level at 20% or above and let my fat/carb consumption fall wherever it does naturally. I also try to get as many veggies into me as I can stand (which occasionally isn't that much). If you can relax and let it happen slowly, almost casually, you might enjoy the process. Best wishes.

Inspired_Momma

Thanks @TRIX5884, it is totally easy to become consumed and that's what I am trying not to let happen. I'm doing a lot of mental work to try and "recover" in this area because actions are easier to take when you support yourself mentally. I've also left the gym over random things that people would think meant nothing and its tough, I used to love the gym! I feel so out of sorts with my relationship with it all and i think that's probably why I can get so consumed. I just want to feel normal about it all. I had planned to start an Insanity Max 30 Piyo Hybrid workout this morning but alas, i slept through the alarm. It is really a case of unless I get out of bed before work I won't get anything done!

Inspired_Momma

Thanks @goldthistime I really appreciate your advice, i'm definitely for slow and long lasting at this point. It has to be better than a yo-yo weight.

Rachel0778

It sounds like reaching out to your prior treatment facility might be a good idea. Right now you're in the all or nothing mindset which is why it's hard to stick with the plan you have created for yourself. Obsessing over a few extra pounds is not worth falling into the disordered eating cycle again.

Inspired_Momma

Thanks @Rachel0778, unfortunately I can't find my therapist i've tried many times over the last number of years. She seems to have moved practices. I'm determined to beat this myself and share my journey with others who may suffer too. I am doing a lot of self-study too, another goal of mine throughout this journey.

nicola8989

I completely understand as I feel a similar way, I have more to lose than you but I am worried about becoming obsessed again and falling back into my old bad habits. I also hate all the "fitspiration" and the fact people think they have a right to comment on your body.

Inspired_Momma

I've started to wonder lately is fitspiration any better than thinspiration @nicola8989. They are different sides of the same toxic sword in my opinion. Both equally obsessive if you can be easily triggered.

distinctlybeautiful

Ive found a way to be pretty successful, but I totally get the obsessiveness. Today is the first day in three weeks that I didn't log, and I had to really fight the urge to do it. But the flip side of that is that not logging generally turns into overeating. At lunch today I really ate in what felt kinda like my old binge mode.. super fast, beyond what I needed, and it wasn't even that tasty. The scary thing about doing that is that I don't even feel overly full or uncomfortable now, which makes me want to fall into the old trap of doing that all the time, but I know that never worked! I pretty much try to stick to maintenance now because if I haven't been able to be successful with a reasonable deficit.. if I feel like I'm depriving myself, I want immediate results, which I know isn't healthy. So maintenance (or my attempts at it because I think I'm still in a tiny deficit) is what I gotta do for now. I guess I just give myself permission to go off track every once in a while. Sometimes that means not logging. Sometimes it means going over my calories but logging it. Sometimes it just means ignoring my macro goals and eating whatever I want within my calorie goal. Just from what I've read, it sounds like you're super strict with your food intake, but it's entirely possible to lose weight eating chocolate. I know there can be a place where it's hard to control intake of that kind of stuff.. I've been there, but the truth is if you choose a reasonable calorie goal (I'm a huge advocate of starting at maintenance!) and hit it, sugars and macros are less important! You can start dealing with those later once you've got your calories under control. I'd suggest a food scale! It kind of allows for the obsessive side of me to come out because I get so exact! If the serving size is 50 grams but the food only weighs 47, you can bet I do the math and log it as 0.94 servings instead of 1 serving. But then it's down, it's accurate, and I don't have to obsess anymore, whereas before I weighed and logged, I'd count and add and readd my calories all day. Sorry, I think I rambled, but hopefully something's relevant

Rachel0778

Inspired_Momma wrote: »

Thanks @Rachel0778, unfortunately I can't find my therapist i've tried many times over the last number of years. She seems to have moved practices. I'm determined to beat this myself and share my journey with others who may suffer too. I am doing a lot of self-study too, another goal of mine throughout this journey.

I'm sorry to hear that. Can your old treatment clinic recommend a new therapist? Self-Study is fantastic, but especially since it sounds like you're struggling with ED, professional help is invaluable.

Inspired_Momma

@distinctlybeautiful I'm all for the wanting immediate results, it really is a case of like why am I not skinny already, i've been at this 24hrs!! Which is truly ridiculous! I can relate to a lot of what you said though. I'm definitely not tracking my macros, that would really be too triggering, but making conscious decisions to eat less processed, more natural foods. I totally do the math, and if in doubt I overlog instead of under logging, but if I weigh and measure i'm definitely logging correctly. I'm super strict in my mind but I definitely engage in a lot of binge eating with my intake. Big big victim of mindless eating and not even acknowledging that I've eaten something even when its a whole pack of cookies!

Inspired_Momma

@Rachel0778 thanks Rachel. It's definitely something I need to sort out, I definitely think if I go down the same negative road that I know I can in this attempt I will be seeking professional help again, 15 years is about 15 years too long to be engaged in this ridiculous self-absorbed head melting behavior. I absolutely hate it!

puffbrat

Do you think it would be helpful for you to step back and spend some time focusing on maintenance and learning to appreciate your body as it is now?

I have never dealt with disordered eating, but I have been heavy and unhappy with my body since basically middle school. I have tried with some success and many failures to lose weight pretty much my entire adult life. Finally, last year at my heaviest weight ever, I forced myself to accept my body as it was. I was once again failing at losing weight but realized that hating my body wasn't doing me any good. It took a while, but I got to a point where I was at peace with my body at that size (5'6" 189lbs). This was around May/June. Since then, losing weight since starting (again) in November has been far easier and less stressful for me than ever before. While I still have a goal weight/size, I am not nearly so desperate to reach it as I was before. Now, any loss is a positive for me and I am generally happy or at least content with my body as is most days.

distinctlybeautiful

Inspired_Momma wrote: »

@distinctlybeautiful I'm all for the wanting immediate results, it really is a case of like why am I not skinny already, i've been at this 24hrs!! Which is truly ridiculous! I can relate to a lot of what you said though. I'm definitely not tracking my macros, that would really be too triggering, but making conscious decisions to eat less processed, more natural foods. I totally do the math, and if in doubt I overlog instead of under logging, but if I weigh and measure i'm definitely logging correctly. I'm super strict in my mind but I definitely engage in a lot of binge eating with my intake. Big big victim of mindless eating and not even acknowledging that I've eaten something even when its a whole pack of cookies!

I wonder if being super strict in your head is contributing to binges, like you feel literally impossibly restricted by what you're telling yourself, so you give up and overeat.. just a thought.

MermaidAmanda10

Hello. I sympathize because i can totally relate. I am 25 and disordered eating for a long time. If i ate something that was "bad" i would be like oh screw it, ill try again tomorrow.. If i skipped a workout it would be the same thing. I got all the way up to 211 lbs and I'm only 5'2". I started to learn to love myself enough to take care of myself properly. So with logging and staying in the green the majority of the time.. Had two kids and lost 50 lbs! I am 160 now and am working to get towards 130-135. I am just trying to eat healthy and actually enjoy food. If i go over, my initial response is to just binge.. But i have to talk myself out of it.. I remind myself that what decision i make does matter. I also just make sure i am active everyday. Sometimes i swim, sometimes, i take a class at the gym, sometimes i take walk, other times i dance around the living room with my son and use my baby daughter as a weight lol. My point is that i am also learning as i can.. I can relate.. I would go for a walk and then id beat myself up saying in my head that that wasn't a good enough workout and then id binge. Now i try to think of it as fueling my body.. I try to eat healthy and eat organic. And i love exercising now too. It is fun to try out new classes and see my progress like wow i couldn't stretch that far last time etc. Now i look forward to mediation and overall taking care of my body. But good luck to you.. I hope you are able to beat this.. Counseling helped me but a lot of it i just had to do on my own..
Feel free to add me.

Hearts_2015

Inspired_Momma wrote: »

Thanks @Rachel0778, unfortunately I can't find my therapist i've tried many times over the last number of years. She seems to have moved practices. I'm determined to beat this myself and share my journey with others who may suffer too. I am doing a lot of self-study too, another goal of mine throughout this journey.

If you're determined to find her give Google a shot if you've not tried that. I've found a few professionals again going that route.

Wishing you well Hon xo @Inspired_Momma