The Clothes of my Past - I am holding on - I deserve better
I went through my closet today, finally decided to get rid of things that don’t fit anymore. I am hanging on to clothes of better times; times when I thought I only had to drop 20 lbs because my size 14 jeans were too tight.
These days are long gone. Now I wear 2X and 3X T-shirts and 1X and 2X elastic pants.
I threw all the tops on the bed, Size L and small XL’s. A pile of beautiful clothes of my past and all of it will be donated to the thrift store. There was more in the dresser. I looked at all the Pajamas, Jeans, and pants that don’t fit anymore. It felt like a trip down on memory lane, like pictures of better times.
From a size 12 to a size 16 I have it all. I don’t even know what size I am right now. A size 22 or 24, I really don’t know. Elastic pants come in handy, don't they?
I went to the mirror and took the picture that you see in my avatar. There I am in all my glory.
I have never felt more ashamed of myself. This is the new me; the obese, bulky person.
I haven’t been on the scale in a long time. Not knowing makes it better doesn’t it? The scale showed 272 lbs. I gained a hundred pounds in 5 years. Being older is no excuse; I don’t think there is an excuse.
I sat down on my bed and had a nervous breakdown. Sweat was running down my face, mixed with tears. I wish I could make it all go away. The doorbell rung, the delivery guy brought my lunch. Two Chinese lunch specials each for only $5.25 and each with fried rice and egg roll. $15 for my guilty pleasure. The guy knows me well. I bet they think the delivery is for two people, but it’s not. It’s only for me. I eat two lunches, the portions are small –that’s my excuse.
I didn’t touch my lunch and went back upstairs. I continued packing and somehow this voice inside me got louder and louder. “Really?”
I have two choices, either I face reality or I continue to dream. The reality is that I don’t want to be obese. I don’t want to run around wearing tents. I want my life back. I want to be active and happy.
I don’t go out anymore. I sit at home all the time. I don’t even go for walks anymore. I can’t walk too long I carry too much weight with me. I am huffing and puffing after just a couple of minutes.
That’s why I am here.
This will be hard and it will take a long time. Maybe it will take 1 year or 5 years, but I am here to lose the weight. I will whine and cry, I will curse and I will fall off the wagon...but this is it. I am in it to win it.
It looks like I might need all the help I can get. I would appreciate any friend request. I will be a good friend for a very long time.
Thank you all for reading. Sorry for the novel.
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