Can't stop, won't stop eating :(

swift13b

I've decided to post my story today for a few reasons. Firstly, I'm hoping it will help with accountability and secondly, I need help.

I lost 22kgs from about September 2014 to March 2015. I then went into maintenance and was doing absolutely fine up until mid-Feb this year. I upped my calories from around 1200 to 1540 and was able to fit in "cheat" meals once or twice a week without repercussions. For the first time in my life I was exercising regularly, and actually had control over my eating.

Then something changed. I've started binging more and more, letting cheat meals turn into cheat days and cheat days turn into cheat weeks. I eat until I feel physically ill. I stopped exercising regularly. I've gained about 3 kilos. Though my BMI is still only 19, I know it could easily escalate into me gaining all the weight back.

There are a few factors that I think are contributing to my loss of self control, some of them I have answers for and others I don't.

1. Work-related stress. The last few months have been very stressful for me at work. We've been under-staffed and over-worked, and that basically lead to the entire team imploding and breaking down a few weeks ago. We've finally started to address the concerns so I think things are going to start to get easier from here on out.

2. In mid-Feb I was prescribed an anti-depressant which has weight gain as a known side effect. I thought I'd be fine, that all the reports I'd read online were of people not using MFP so I had an advantage. I've never thought mid-binge "oh it's just the meds making me eat this" and I don't want to use it as an excuse but I've decided to stop taking it for now to see if that helps at all.

3. Even after losing all that weight, I wasn't happy with my body. I'm skinny fat. I unfortunately carry weight on my stomach, and even at my lowest weight it was still very flabby. I've definitely had moments where I thought "well since I'm not happy even at this weight, what's the point? Why not just eat whatever I want if that makes me happy?". I can't afford to join a gym and we're heading into winter where I live which limits my exercise routine (over summer I would be able to go for an hour-long jog after work, now it's practically dark when I get home and I don't feel safe going out alone). I have an elliptical but for some reason I can't spend more than 20 minutes on it without feeling like I'm dying, even when I was at my fittest. I downloaded a bunch of fitness videos from YouTube and thought about buying a FitnessBlender plan but in order to work out at home, I have to move my heavy couch to make space and it got to a point where I just didn't feel like doing that anymore. I know that the solution to this problem is a recomp, but I'm not really sure how to go about it.

4. I'm not just unhappy with my body, I'm unhappy with my life (hence the anti-depressants). I was also referred to a psychologist but I couldn't make the appointment due to work commitments and the receptionist wasn't helpful with finding another time for me. Every day is the same for me. I come home, eat dinner, try to pass the time until about 8:30 when I then sit on the couch watching tv until it's time for bed. My eating is generally fine until I sit down on that couch. Suddenly I want to eat everything in the house. If I watch say three episodes of a show in one night, I'll get up and make myself something to eat before starting each show. I eat until I feel completely full, sick and ashamed.

In terms of the binging, my plan is to set an alarm on my phone for 9pm every night. At that time I will get up, brush my teeth and wash all my dishes before sitting back down and hopefully not eat anything else that night. I'm also going to stop buying the things I've been binging on. I ate a 2L tub of ice cream in less than 48 hours. No more ice cream for me, at least until I get this under control. Thankfully I'm at the point now where I'm almost out of treat foods (mostly because I've eaten them all, though I did throw some things out earlier this week). I've always meal prepped and planned as part of my weight loss/maintenance so I'm just going to stick to my shopping list and only buy the fruit/veg/dairy/staples that I actually need (I'm vegetarian so no meat). I'm also going to go back to weighing and logging everything I eat, and start weighing myself weekly again.

In terms of the general unhappiness with my life/depression, I'm not really sure what to do. This is not a new problem, I've suffered for over ten years now and have only tried to get help once before this year. I definitely need to go back to my doctor, find a new psychologist that will work into my schedule and I think find some sort of activity I can do to keep me entertained after work. Any suggestions? I generally don't eat when I'm sitting at my computer but after spending all day at work on one, I would prefer to take a break from it. I'm thinking I need to find something I can do with my hands while watching tv, like a craft or something.

Thank you to anyone who has read this very long post, and to anyone who can offer help or advice.

bioklutz

swift13b wrote: »

4. I'm not just unhappy with my body, I'm unhappy with my life (hence the anti-depressants). I was also referred to a psychologist but I couldn't make the appointment due to work commitments and the receptionist wasn't helpful with finding another time for me. Every day is the same for me. I come home, eat dinner, try to pass the time until about 8:30 when I then sit on the couch watching tv until it's time for bed. My eating is generally fine until I sit down on that couch. Suddenly I want to eat everything in the house. If I watch say three episodes of a show in one night, I'll get up and make myself something to eat before starting each show. I eat until I feel completely full, sick and ashamed.

I am sorry that things are not going well for you. I think the thing that you really need to focus on is why are you unhappy with your life? Can you find another psychologist with weekend hours? Can you get a morning appointment and go into work late one day or an evening appointment and leave early for the day? Or even take a vacation or sick day.

RoxieDawn

Being unhappy with life in general, makes a person very unhappy with everything. So the weight thing needs to be put on the back burner until you can find the "happy medium" to what will make you happy with life again.

I think it is time to focus on getting your mental, emotional and psychological health back on track before you try to take on anything else. One will not work without the other..

You can try gaming at night, knitting, crocheting, reading books, playing Angry birds on the computer. You can turn on music instead of the TV. You could go for a walk in the evening. You can try doing the dishes or laundry later in the p.m. to keep you from sitting on the couch.. There are many things you can do. Just got to want to..

Get to your doctor pretty soon. I think an evaluation is needs and possibly another medication or change in your medication.

Machka9

swift13b wrote: »

4. I'm not just unhappy with my body, I'm unhappy with my life (hence the anti-depressants). I was also referred to a psychologist but I couldn't make the appointment due to work commitments and the receptionist wasn't helpful with finding another time for me. Every day is the same for me. I come home, eat dinner, try to pass the time until about 8:30 when I then sit on the couch watching tv until it's time for bed.

First of all, I do think you need to seek professional help.


But ... I'm having a bit of trouble getting my head around: "try to pass the time until about 8:30 when I then sit on the couch watching tv until it's time for bed"

Why don't you do something in that time? To me, it sounds like you're incredibly bored. I know I would be if I had absolutely nothing to do every evening.


Winter is coming here too, and it's dark after work ... but what about going to a local shopping centre and doing laps on the nights they are open late?

Or seeing if there is a walking club in your area that meets an evening or two each week?

What about getting an inexpensive sketch pad at a dollar store, and sketching? Or other artistic/crafty pursuits? Places like dollar stores, department stores, thrift stores, etc. are great for picking up inexpensive bits and pieces if money is tight.

What about seeing what's on offer in the way of community courses. Community courses are often relatively inexpensive, especially in comparison with college or university courses. Your local library or city council should have information. Maybe you could attend a class one night a week and learn a new language, learn bookkeeping, learn basic car repair or whatever they've got on offer. They often have exercise classes on offer as well ... yoga, learn to swim, etc. etc.
(Personally, through community courses, I have taken a typing course, several yoga courses, a photography course, and a MYOB course. I've also taken a couple 1-evening bicycle repair courses ... one was offered through the local university, through their community course section, the other was offered at MEC (Mountain Equipment Coop).)

Or household projects?

Perhaps a local church or community centre has something on one or two evenings a week?

Or volunteering somewhere?

ncfitbit

First of all, know that you are not alone. A lot of people are in this situation. My daughter suffers from depression and I've dealt with it too over the years so I know it takes some work to get the help you need and do the things that are necessary to make yourself feel better, which is tough when you are feeling depressed, but it is worth it. We finally found a good psychiatrist and now therapist for my daughter and it was worth it. Please don't stop taking your meds cold turkey without your drs. approval. It could make things worse, especially heading into winter.

Second, to me it sounds like you are on the right track. You know what has worked for you in the past and you are taking steps to do those things again. Keep going! I do think some of those negative thoughts you have about whether these efforts are worth it are important to address, but that's really great you have identified them. You can't do anything about them if you are not aware of them. Maybe write down some of the reasons why IT IS worth it to be healthier. For me, however I feel about my current progress or lack thereof, I can vividly remember what it was like to be 25 lbs. heavier and feel bad all the time so I do not want to go back there. All I have to do is look at pictures of that time and now and I know I need to do what it takes to stay on track, even if I mess up once in a while.

It does sound like the work stress situation has been a big trigger for you. Here's the thing though. There will always be stressors in our lives that can overwhelm us. They will take different forms throughout your life, but they will not go away just because we are at our goal weight or have the body of our dreams so we have to figure out how to deal with that stress no matter what. It doesn't sound like exercise has quite become that stress reliever for you yet, but it really can make such a huge difference. I would highly recommend you invest some of your free time in trying to figure out the exercise thing because it might help both with your depression and body composition. I watched this video yesterday from an MFPer who lost 74 lbs and looks amazing and has gone through some difficult things, too. I found it super inspiring:

https://youtube.com/watch?v=W9xRRANXVGM&index=1&list=PLWFiripiQY6ADvK9Kv-f93dG9IWoMgiER

In case the video doesn't load, you can look it up on Youtube:

How I stayed motivated during and after my 75lb weight loss! by Gen Elizabeth

Best of luck with everything. I'm rooting for you!

ncfitbit

Oh, also, I forgot to mention that Gen Elizabeth has other videos where she talks about body recomposition and shows exactly what she did to achieve that in her own home. I used to think you HAD to belong to a big gym to lift heavy, but she is pretty good proof that you do not. You just have to figure out a way to do it.

Sabine_Stroehm

Your BMI is 19 after GAINING 3KG?

I think it's important here to know your height, current weight, and honest goal weight. And your age.

shadowfax_c11

You expected weight loss to make you happy. It won't. Happiness has to come from inside of you not from any external source. You have to chose to be happy.

Yes. I do know how that sounds. I used to think probably the same thing you are thinking when people told me the same thing. But guess what?

It's true. I know because I have learned it through experience.

8 years ago I was sinking fast. I ate because I was empty and lost and miserable and sad. I was in poverty, a young widow with no family to speak of. I was alone and lonely. I did not know myself because my whole life had been lived just to be whatever the people in my life needed me to be. I was only existing in this life waiting for the end. I was a victim of all sorts of abuse and bullying as a child. I have experienced and witnessed a great deal of violence. I grew up in poverty and just when my life got better and was on the upswing the love of my life died, and that process also was very traumatising.

I also fight with depression, at times it is severe, I have been suicidal, I have self harmed, buried myself in books and food and tried to escape through those things. Eating was my only real source of pleasure.

I know just how hard it is to find any joy when you are depressed. I used to be desperately unhappy all of the time. With a little help I started to understand that part of my issue was that I was always focused on my unhappiness. I started making a concerted effort to focus on something happy every day. It was hard work. I started with one little thing. Sunlight. I would notice sunlight on the leaves of the trees. Really notice it and pay attention to how pretty it was. I focused on how that smelled. How it felt. The depth and intricacies of how it affected colors on things. And that made my heart smile just a little. I held onto that every day. Each time I would start to sink into that darkness I thought about that pretty sunlit tree on my way to work in the morning.

I looked for things to enjoy and only allowed myself to think about them. If I started to think about things that were bad in my life I would refocus on one good thing. Instead of focusing on it being cold and I had no heat in my home I reminded myself that I have a home. I was so lucky to have a house, even a crappy house.

I also learned to meditate. I learned how to silence my mind so that all of the negative thoughts were not there anymore. This alone was incredibly valuable.

I also worked on my social life. As an introverted empathic person I am not that social really but I did have friends and some of them were bad friends. They only helped me to focus on the bad things in my life. They would use me for their needs but never gave anything back. I thought I was being helpful but mostly I was being drained.

I got better friends. I focused on surrounding myself with people who had qualities that I wanted to have. Those kinds of people also happened to be people who wanted to see me improve. They listened when I needed to talk about heavy things. They occasionally reminded me that I had the power to change certain things and they encouraged me to try to change those things when I was afraid.

All of the above led to some really dramatic changes in my life, my outlook and my ability to cope with my depression.

Now I am content and even happy.

For me only after got all of that out of the way was I able to think about addressing my weight. I am not losing weight to become happy. I just feel like it is the last thing in my life that was out of control and I decided to take charge of it. Because I can.

Don't look for happiness outside of yourself. Learn who you are and then work on being the best version of you that you can be.

None of this will cure your depression. It didn't cure mine. But it helped me tremendously and I have a lot easier time coping now.


And if your meds are causing you to eat and gain please discuss this with your Dr. It might just be that you need a different medication. There is nothing wrong with meds for depression and sometimes it takes a few tries to find the one that works best for you.

vingogly

Make your appointment with a mental health professional and keep it. Find someone in your area who works with both mood disorders and eating disorders; psychologists are doctorate level mental health professionals but there are plenty of good counselors and social workers out there who can provide you with talk therapy. You don't need a doctorate to be a great therapist. Meds will address the symptoms, but will not address whatever underlying issues are causing or aggravating the depression. Here is one reliable option for finding a licensed practitioner in your area:

https://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/

You're not likely to find the help you need here or elsewhere on the internet and the longer you wait, the longer you'll continue to be unhappy with your life. Be sure to tell your therapist about the medications you're taking, and be honest about any habits that might be aggravating your symptoms like drug use or drinking. Good luck.

JeromeBarry1

I suggest that you have developed an emotional trigger such that sitting to watch television cascades into binge eating. Try to find some other thing to do to avoid that trigger and observe that the binge doesn't even start.

lilgreenkitty

I think the first step is educating yourself on nutrition. Documentaries like Fed Up and Sugar Coated, research what's in dairy (casomorphin in that ice cream) and other animal products that make you crave them and want to binge. Address your addiction to these foods, eat a clean plant based diet and learn how to listen to your body. When you actually give your body the nutrition it needs you wont physically crave things and it'll be easier to address emotional reasons you may be over-eating.
P.s. if you have Netflix I recommend watching pretty much all of the health and food documentaries!

swift13b

Thank you to everyone who has responded, it means a lot to me.

bioklutz wrote: »

I am sorry that things are not going well for you. I think the thing that you really need to focus on is why are you unhappy with your life? Can you find another psychologist with weekend hours? Can you get a morning appointment and go into work late one day or an evening appointment and leave early for the day? Or even take a vacation or sick day.

RoxieDawn wrote: »

Get to your doctor pretty soon. I think an evaluation is needs and possibly another medication or change in your medication.

vingogly wrote: »

Make your appointment with a mental health professional and keep it. Find someone in your area who works with both mood disorders and eating disorders; psychologists are doctorate level mental health professionals but there are plenty of good counselors and social workers out there who can provide you with talk therapy. You don't need a doctorate to be a great therapist. Meds will address the symptoms, but will not address whatever underlying issues are causing or aggravating the depression. Here is one reliable option for finding a licensed practitioner in your area:

https://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/

You're not likely to find the help you need here or elsewhere on the internet and the longer you wait, the longer you'll continue to be unhappy with your life. Be sure to tell your therapist about the medications you're taking, and be honest about any habits that might be aggravating your symptoms like drug use or drinking. Good luck.

I definitely need to get back to the doctor and get a new referral for a different psychologist. I've been seeing a new doctor because I moved but I think I'm going to head back to my old doctor who I prefer. I'm also going to do some research on psychologists in my area so I can find someone who hopefully suits my needs.

swift13b

Machka9 wrote: »

First of all, I do think you need to seek professional help.

But ... I'm having a bit of trouble getting my head around: "try to pass the time until about 8:30 when I then sit on the couch watching tv until it's time for bed"

Why don't you do something in that time? To me, it sounds like you're incredibly bored. I know I would be if I had absolutely nothing to do every evening.

Winter is coming here too, and it's dark after work ... but what about going to a local shopping centre and doing laps on the nights they are open late?

Or seeing if there is a walking club in your area that meets an evening or two each week?

What about getting an inexpensive sketch pad at a dollar store, and sketching? Or other artistic/crafty pursuits? Places like dollar stores, department stores, thrift stores, etc. are great for picking up inexpensive bits and pieces if money is tight.

What about seeing what's on offer in the way of community courses. Community courses are often relatively inexpensive, especially in comparison with college or university courses. Your local library or city council should have information. Maybe you could attend a class one night a week and learn a new language, learn bookkeeping, learn basic car repair or whatever they've got on offer. They often have exercise classes on offer as well ... yoga, learn to swim, etc. etc.
(Personally, through community courses, I have taken a typing course, several yoga courses, a photography course, and a MYOB course. I've also taken a couple 1-evening bicycle repair courses ... one was offered through the local university, through their community course section, the other was offered at MEC (Mountain Equipment Coop).)

Or household projects?

Perhaps a local church or community centre has something on one or two evenings a week?

Or volunteering somewhere?

Thank you for all your suggestions!

Any sort of weekly class or workshop would cost the same or more as a gym membership, if I could afford either right now I'd probably go for a gym membership so I could go to a few different classes.

I have just started a free online language course, it only takes 10 minutes a day but I can do more if I want to.

I'm a member of a few MeetUp groups but I haven't struck up the nerve to go to any events yet. One group that meets regularly in my area mostly has events that revolve around eating unfortunately. I have seen a few walking groups on there but none are really in my area. Maybe I should start one

swift13b

ncfitbit wrote: »

First of all, know that you are not alone. A lot of people are in this situation. My daughter suffers from depression and I've dealt with it too over the years so I know it takes some work to get the help you need and do the things that are necessary to make yourself feel better, which is tough when you are feeling depressed, but it is worth it. We finally found a good psychiatrist and now therapist for my daughter and it was worth it. Please don't stop taking your meds cold turkey without your drs. approval. It could make things worse, especially heading into winter.

Second, to me it sounds like you are on the right track. You know what has worked for you in the past and you are taking steps to do those things again. Keep going! I do think some of those negative thoughts you have about whether these efforts are worth it are important to address, but that's really great you have identified them. You can't do anything about them if you are not aware of them. Maybe write down some of the reasons why IT IS worth it to be healthier. For me, however I feel about my current progress or lack thereof, I can vividly remember what it was like to be 25 lbs. heavier and feel bad all the time so I do not want to go back there. All I have to do is look at pictures of that time and now and I know I need to do what it takes to stay on track, even if I mess up once in a while.

It does sound like the work stress situation has been a big trigger for you. Here's the thing though. There will always be stressors in our lives that can overwhelm us. They will take different forms throughout your life, but they will not go away just because we are at our goal weight or have the body of our dreams so we have to figure out how to deal with that stress no matter what. It doesn't sound like exercise has quite become that stress reliever for you yet, but it really can make such a huge difference. I would highly recommend you invest some of your free time in trying to figure out the exercise thing because it might help both with your depression and body composition. I watched this video yesterday from an MFPer who lost 74 lbs and looks amazing and has gone through some difficult things, too. I found it super inspiring:

https://youtube.com/watch?v=W9xRRANXVGM&index=1&list=PLWFiripiQY6ADvK9Kv-f93dG9IWoMgiER

In case the video doesn't load, you can look it up on Youtube:

How I stayed motivated during and after my 75lb weight loss! by Gen Elizabeth

Best of luck with everything. I'm rooting for you!

Thank you for your encouragement, you've given me a lot of food for thought. I like your suggestion of looking at old photos or remembering how I used to look, I definitely don't ever want to get back to that point. I actually lost the weight because I was diagnosed with PCOS and insulin resistance. The last time I saw my specialist, she was so pleased with my results that I was able to stop taking metformin. I'm worried that all the carbs and sugar I've been binging on could have affected my IR even though I haven't gained that much weight. It also affected my skin, causing my eczema to flare up. I think I need to focus on these reasons for being healthy rather than on how my body looks.

I haven't watched that video yet but I definitely will, I love watching other people's inspirational weight loss journeys!

swift13b

Sabine_Stroehm wrote: »

Your BMI is 19 after GAINING 3KG?

I think it's important here to know your height, current weight, and honest goal weight. And your age.

I don't really think those things are relevant to this thread. I'm not trying to lose the 3kg I gained, I just want to get back on track with maintenance.

swift13b

shadowfax_c11 wrote: »

You expected weight loss to make you happy. It won't. Happiness has to come from inside of you not from any external source. You have to chose to be happy.

Yes. I do know how that sounds. I used to think probably the same thing you are thinking when people told me the same thing. But guess what?

It's true. I know because I have learned it through experience.

8 years ago I was sinking fast. I ate because I was empty and lost and miserable and sad. I was in poverty, a young widow with no family to speak of. I was alone and lonely. I did not know myself because my whole life had been lived just to be whatever the people in my life needed me to be. I was only existing in this life waiting for the end. I was a victim of all sorts of abuse and bullying as a child. I have experienced and witnessed a great deal of violence. I grew up in poverty and just when my life got better and was on the upswing the love of my life died, and that process also was very traumatising.

I also fight with depression, at times it is severe, I have been suicidal, I have self harmed, buried myself in books and food and tried to escape through those things. Eating was my only real source of pleasure.

I know just how hard it is to find any joy when you are depressed. I used to be desperately unhappy all of the time. With a little help I started to understand that part of my issue was that I was always focused on my unhappiness. I started making a concerted effort to focus on something happy every day. It was hard work. I started with one little thing. Sunlight. I would notice sunlight on the leaves of the trees. Really notice it and pay attention to how pretty it was. I focused on how that smelled. How it felt. The depth and intricacies of how it affected colors on things. And that made my heart smile just a little. I held onto that every day. Each time I would start to sink into that darkness I thought about that pretty sunlit tree on my way to work in the morning.

I looked for things to enjoy and only allowed myself to think about them. If I started to think about things that were bad in my life I would refocus on one good thing. Instead of focusing on it being cold and I had no heat in my home I reminded myself that I have a home. I was so lucky to have a house, even a crappy house.

I also learned to meditate. I learned how to silence my mind so that all of the negative thoughts were not there anymore. This alone was incredibly valuable.

I also worked on my social life. As an introverted empathic person I am not that social really but I did have friends and some of them were bad friends. They only helped me to focus on the bad things in my life. They would use me for their needs but never gave anything back. I thought I was being helpful but mostly I was being drained.

I got better friends. I focused on surrounding myself with people who had qualities that I wanted to have. Those kinds of people also happened to be people who wanted to see me improve. They listened when I needed to talk about heavy things. They occasionally reminded me that I had the power to change certain things and they encouraged me to try to change those things when I was afraid.

All of the above led to some really dramatic changes in my life, my outlook and my ability to cope with my depression.

Now I am content and even happy.

For me only after got all of that out of the way was I able to think about addressing my weight. I am not losing weight to become happy. I just feel like it is the last thing in my life that was out of control and I decided to take charge of it. Because I can.

Don't look for happiness outside of yourself. Learn who you are and then work on being the best version of you that you can be.

None of this will cure your depression. It didn't cure mine. But it helped me tremendously and I have a lot easier time coping now.


And if your meds are causing you to eat and gain please discuss this with your Dr. It might just be that you need a different medication. There is nothing wrong with meds for depression and sometimes it takes a few tries to find the one that works best for you.

Thank you for sharing your story, it's very helpful to know that there are people who have gone through something similar and found their way to happiness. You're right that I expected weight loss to solve a lot of my problems and make me happy. I thought it would make me more confident and therefore help me make new friends but it didn't. I need to address these issues actively instead of passively.

How did you start meditating? That's something I've considered in the past but never gone through with.

swift13b

lilgreenkitty wrote: »

I think the first step is educating yourself on nutrition. Documentaries like Fed Up and Sugar Coated, research what's in dairy (casomorphin in that ice cream) and other animal products that make you crave them and want to binge. Address your addiction to these foods, eat a clean plant based diet and learn how to listen to your body. When you actually give your body the nutrition it needs you wont physically crave things and it'll be easier to address emotional reasons you may be over-eating.
P.s. if you have Netflix I recommend watching pretty much all of the health and food documentaries!

Thanks for the suggestion but I have no intention of going vegan. I've been a vegetarian for 7 years and need to eat as low carb as I can because of my insulin resistance.

I haven't been craving sweet things, it's been more of a mental compulsion. Like "hey there's a plate of muffins, I should eat 3 of them" not "hey I really want a muffin" if that makes any sense.

Sabine_Stroehm

swift13b wrote: »

Sabine_Stroehm wrote: »

Your BMI is 19 after GAINING 3KG?

I think it's important here to know your height, current weight, and honest goal weight. And your age.

I don't really think those things are relevant to this thread. I'm not trying to lose the 3kg I gained, I just want to get back on track with maintenance.

Actually, they're pretty damned relevant. Best of luck on your journey.

vivmom2014

Could you try some very small doses of exercise? Leslie Sansone has some 1 mile walks that you can do in your living room. 15 minutes, done. Also, church functions (classes, study groups, outreach projects) are generally free.

It would help to vary your evening routine (rut) - at 8:30 p.m. try plugging in a different activity a couple nights a week. Even if it's simply reading or doing laundry or writing a real paper letter to an old folk (a dying art).

I'm not minimizing your mental health/depression issues - definitely seek professional help as you're doing.

I'm trying reentry to exercise after weeks down w/ a back injury. It's such a slippery slope into feeling like "What's the point?" - I get it about the skinny fat and feeling as though this is all waaaaaay too uphill. Hence the small doses of exercise and varying routines, with an emphasis on blessing someone else's day.

bfanny

swift13b wrote: »

Sabine_Stroehm wrote: »

Your BMI is 19 after GAINING 3KG?

I think it's important here to know your height, current weight, and honest goal weight. And your age.

I don't really think those things are relevant to this thread. I'm not trying to lose the 3kg I gained, I just want to get back on track with maintenance.

Oh but it is very relevant you may want to keep a very low weight but obviously your body doesn't

DebSozo

swift13b wrote: »

I've decided to post my story today for a few reasons. Firstly, I'm hoping it will help with accountability and secondly, I need help.

I lost 22kgs from about September 2014 to March 2015. I then went into maintenance and was doing absolutely fine up until mid-Feb this year. I upped my calories from around 1200 to 1540 and was able to fit in "cheat" meals once or twice a week without repercussions. For the first time in my life I was exercising regularly, and actually had control over my eating.

Then something changed. I've started binging more and more, letting cheat meals turn into cheat days and cheat days turn into cheat weeks. I eat until I feel physically ill. I stopped exercising regularly.

There are a few factors that I think are contributing to my loss of self control, some of them I have answers for and others I don't.

1. Work-related stress. The last few months have been very stressful for me at work. We've been under-staffed and over-worked... We've finally started to address the concerns so I think things are going to start to get easier from here on out.

2. In mid-Feb I was prescribed an anti-depressant which has weight gain as a known side effect. I thought I'd be fine, that all the reports I'd read online were of people not using MFP so I had an advantage. I've never thought mid-binge "oh it's just the meds making me eat this". I don't want to use it as an excuse but I've decided to stop taking it for now to see if that helps at all.

3. Even after losing all that weight, I wasn't happy with my body. I'm skinny fat. I unfortunately carry weight on my stomach, and even at my lowest weight it was still very flabby. I've definitely had moments where I thought "well since I'm not happy even at this weight, what's the point? Why not just eat whatever I want if that makes me happy?". I can't afford to join a gym. I downloaded a bunch of fitness videos from YouTube and thought about buying a FitnessBlender plan.

4. I'm not just unhappy with my body, I'm unhappy with my life.

In terms of the binging, my plan is to set an alarm on my phone for 9pm every night. At that time I will get up, brush my teeth and wash all my dishes before sitting back down and hopefully not eat anything else that night. I'm also going to stop buying the things I've been binging on.

Thankfully I'm at the point now where I'm almost out of treat foods (mostly because I've eaten them all, though I did throw some things out earlier this week).

I've always meal prepped and planned as part of my weight loss/maintenance so I'm just going to stick to my shopping list and only buy the fruit/veg/dairy/staples that I actually need (I'm vegetarian so no meat).

I'm going to go back to weighing and logging everything I eat, and start weighing myself weekly again.

In terms of the general unhappiness with my life/depression, I'm not really sure what to do. This is not a new problem, I've suffered for over ten years now and have only tried to get help once before this year.

I definitely need to go back to my doctor, find a new psychologist that will work into my schedule and I think find some sort of activity I can do to keep me entertained after work.

Any suggestions? I generally don't eat when I'm sitting at my computer but after spending all day at work on one, I would prefer to take a break from it. I'm thinking I need to find something I can do with my hands while watching tv, like a craft or something.

Thank you to anyone who has read this very long post, and to anyone who can offer help or advice.

It seems like you have a good handle on the situation and are writing not so much to get advice-- because you do actually have great solutions! You are working up motivation and just have to start implementing the strategies you have cone up with. I condensed your post (hope you don't mind.)

Stress and boredom are factors. You talked about starting a craft. There are also adult coloring books that relieve stress and are mindless and relaxing. (Your can keep your hands busy with colored pencils or markers whIle you're watching your favorite programs.)

The other solution is working out or walking in the evenings. Someone mentioned Leslie Sansone walking (indoor) videos. You can find old tapes and DVDS at Goodwill, thrift stores, or new ones on Amazon or even Target.

You mentioned visiting a physician and getting a new therapist.

I found that staying low glycemic and taking stress-B multiple vitamins from Walmart helped keep my angst and stress levels down. Magnesium helps with calming too in my case.

I can relate to a lot that you talked about. You seem intelligent and in tune with your needs. "Just do it." You deserve it.