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Body Conscious - and this is not the type of thread you think it is....
natalie3505
Posts: 169 Member
I'm not sure where to post this, but here seems like a good start. My daughter is 16 and comes to the gym with me on the weekends when I go and loves it. It makes her feel better about herself, stronger, healthier, etc, which I love to encourage - feel good about YOU. She has a low self-esteem as so many teenage girls have, and I hate that for her because she is such a beautiful, smart girl and I remember all too well those same feelings. They can be debilitating, even as adults, we have these ideals of how our bodies should look and when they don't meet our expectations, we feel bad about ourselves, which is absolutely ridiculous. All of us have certain body parts we don't like and we have some body parts that we do like, etc. I really want to show her that while we are all different shapes/sizes/body types, etc, that we all can be proud of ourselves for a variety of reasons, whether it is in how we look, how our bodies perform, etc.
So I'm going to start by posting a picture of me that no one else has ever seen - not even my husband. No apologies, no excuses, just me and what I love / hate about what I look like. And I would love it for everyone else to join in. I want to show her and other women and men that while we are not all supermodels, we can be happy and content with who we are as long as we are trying to be healthier human beings.
So I'm going to start by posting a picture of me that no one else has ever seen - not even my husband. No apologies, no excuses, just me and what I love / hate about what I look like. And I would love it for everyone else to join in. I want to show her and other women and men that while we are not all supermodels, we can be happy and content with who we are as long as we are trying to be healthier human beings.
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Replies
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As a mother of a teenager, while I respect what you are trying to do, and fully understand the reasons, I do not think it will work. If my daughter is not comfortable because her friends are in better shape or thinner or have bigger breasts or whatever, her realising that there are e.g. middle aged overweight women who look worse and are not upset about it, it will not help her. Teenagers care about how their peers see them, their girl friends and boys. They do not care how us old people look or what we think.
Plus, you might get the opposite results. Her thinking that she looks awful when a woman who could be her grandma posts a photo where she looks actually better in a bikini than your daughter, or she might get discouraged by photos of overweight people and give up thinking there is no hope. The mind of a teenager often works in mysterious ways.14 -
As a mother of a teenager, while I respect what you are trying to do, and fully understand the reasons, I do not think it will work. If my daughter is not comfortable because her friends are in better shape or thinner or have bigger breasts or whatever, her realising that there are e.g. middle aged overweight women who look worse and are not upset about it, it will not help her. Teenagers care about how their peers see them, their girl friends and boys. They do not care how us old people look or what we think.
Plus, you might get the opposite results. Her thinking that she looks awful when a woman who could be her grandma posts a photo where she looks actually better in a bikini than your daughter, or she might get discouraged by photos of overweight people and give up thinking there is no hope. The mind of a teenager often works in mysterious ways.
I think you're way off base here. She's not posting this so her daughter can see a bunch of people talking crap and posting fatty photos. She's doing it because leading by example is much more effective than leading by words. And if she's constantly telling her daughter she's beautiful and even with her flaws she's perfect and that she should love herself but not doing that herself how is her daughter going to ever believe her? Your body, with fat or not is nothing to be ashamed of. It doesn't matter how many scars, bumps, bruises, jiggles, etc you have it's your home and quite frankly the only one you'll ever have.
I am 26, definitely not middle age. I'm self conscious frequently; however, I figure if people don't like looking at it then they don't have to look at it. It really doesn't matter what I look like. What matters is how I feel. I like waking up with no heart burn and being able to run around without getting tired. I love what it feels like when I realize I have the strength to do something I couldn't do 2 months ago. I like it when I'm strong enough to move my body in ways that normal people can't. Keep bringing your daughter to the gym and encouraging her to realize how beautiful her body is through it's strength and not by how it looks. She's might be proud of having a flat stomach, but that admiration will never match what she'll feel when she can squat 200 lbs or kick herself up into a handstand. When she realizes what her body is capable of she'll fall in love with it and treat it temple and other people's opinions of her won't matter when she's throwing the bar down. So I don't have a photo, but I'm on top of the world knowing that I pr'ed my split jerk and power clean yesterday at 135 pounds. I sure as hell couldn't do that 6 months ago.
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I would willingly post a pic of me, but as @aggelikik has said, she would not be able to identify with a short 62yo woman. I would probably scare her she is so young. Think granny in a bikini. Ugh!
( I do love my body, just don't expect a 16 to to)
Going to the gym with you is much better. It shows women of all shapes sizes and ages can and do take care of themselves.
Just as an idea, have you thought of encouraging her to take martial art classes?
I ask because it is a progress at your own pace group setting in which respect for your self and others is taught.
My son started it at 16. He was the shortest in the class at school and it taught him the confidence to be himself and never worry about his height. His son is tiny, and he is now doing martial arts as a 6yo. (Says something about the positive influence it had.)
Sorry I can't really help. Mum and daughter times are great for non judgmental chats and giggles.
Cheers, h.6 -
beautifulwarrior18 wrote: »As a mother of a teenager, while I respect what you are trying to do, and fully understand the reasons, I do not think it will work. If my daughter is not comfortable because her friends are in better shape or thinner or have bigger breasts or whatever, her realising that there are e.g. middle aged overweight women who look worse and are not upset about it, it will not help her. Teenagers care about how their peers see them, their girl friends and boys. They do not care how us old people look or what we think.
Plus, you might get the opposite results. Her thinking that she looks awful when a woman who could be her grandma posts a photo where she looks actually better in a bikini than your daughter, or she might get discouraged by photos of overweight people and give up thinking there is no hope. The mind of a teenager often works in mysterious ways.
I think you're way off base here. She's not posting this so her daughter can see a bunch of people talking crap and posting fatty photos. She's doing it because leading by example is much more effective than leading by words. And if she's constantly telling her daughter she's beautiful and even with her flaws she's perfect and that she should love herself but not doing that herself how is her daughter going to ever believe her? Your body, with fat or not is nothing to be ashamed of. It doesn't matter how many scars, bumps, bruises, jiggles, etc you have it's your home and quite frankly the only one you'll ever have.
I am 26, definitely not middle age. I'm self conscious frequently; however, I figure if people don't like looking at it then they don't have to look at it. It really doesn't matter what I look like. What matters is how I feel. I like waking up with no heart burn and being able to run around without getting tired. I love what it feels like when I realize I have the strength to do something I couldn't do 2 months ago. I like it when I'm strong enough to move my body in ways that normal people can't. Keep bringing your daughter to the gym and encouraging her to realize how beautiful her body is through it's strength and not by how it looks. She's might be proud of having a flat stomach, but that admiration will never match what she'll feel when she can squat 200 lbs or kick herself up into a handstand. When she realizes what her body is capable of she'll fall in love with it and treat it temple and other people's opinions of her won't matter when she's throwing the bar down. So I don't have a photo, but I'm on top of the world knowing that I pr'ed my split jerk and power clean yesterday at 135 pounds. I sure as hell couldn't do that 6 months ago.
Uhm, may I ask where I said her body is something to be ashamed of? OP's daughter is self conscious. If you were not at her age, good for you. Not every teenager worries about how she looks. Some do. If a teenager feels fat, the realisation someone else is too, inevitably older than her (this is not a site for teens and the average age will be middle-aged), it is not going to help her. I can expect two types of reactions from an already upset teenager after seeing pictures of older women:
- yack, she looks awful, are you telling me I look that bad
or
- wow, she is 50 and I look worse than her, I am so fat I cannot even compete with a grandma!
None of these reactions is rational. It does not mean the teenager will not have them anyway.6 -
I am a dad of a teenage daughter soon to be two teenage daughters. And my push with my daughters has been to try and push them towards performance. Like "let's work to and run a 5k as fast as we can", "let's learn to climb rocks", "let's climb that hill".
I have done that in the hope to give them a believe that their bodies are amazing and that they can do anything physically that they set their minds to.
Only time will tell if my approach pays off in their confidence and esteem but so far it seems to be.6 -
middlehaitch wrote: »I would willingly post a pic of me, but as @aggelikik has said, she would not be able to identify with a short 62yo woman. I would probably scare her she is so young. Think granny in a bikini. Ugh!
( I do love my body, just don't expect a 16 to to)
Going to the gym with you is much better. It shows women of all shapes sizes and ages can and do take care of themselves.
Just as an idea, have you thought of encouraging her to take martial art classes?
I ask because it is a progress at your own pace group setting in which respect for your self and others is taught.
My son started it at 16. He was the shortest in the class at school and it taught him the confidence to be himself and never worry about his height. His son is tiny, and he is now doing martial arts as a 6yo. (Says something about the positive influence it had.)
Sorry I can't really help. Mum and daughter times are great for non judgmental chats and giggles.
Cheers, h.
I second encouraging her to focus on a sport. Not going to the gym, with the goal of losing weight or toning or whatever. But engaging in a sport, where she will focus on getting better, faster, stronger and will learn to appreciate what her body can do, not whether her breasts or legs look perfect.3 -
I applaud your bravery @natalie3505 . I understand, too, and don't disagree.
When I was a teenager my sister & I would go swimming every morning at the local community college. Most of the other swimmers were much older (retired) women. She and I were amazed at their bodies; at the stretch marks, at the saggy droopy breasts and bellies, the dimples on the thighs.. and MOSTLY amazed by how the older ladies didn't seem to care one bit that their bodies didn't meet any social standards.
What sunk in for me was that no one .. absolutely NO ONE no matter how fit they look in trousers and a jacket, escapes the effects of ageing, and that physical perfection was completely unnecessary for self-confidence or self-care. I hope your daughter gets that message, too.6 -
I am a dad of a teenage daughter soon to be two teenage daughters. And my push with my daughters has been to try and push them towards performance. Like "let's work to and run a 5k as fast as we can", "let's learn to climb rocks", "let's climb that hill".
I have done that in the hope to give them a believe that their bodies are amazing and that they can do anything physically that they set their minds to.
Only time will tell if my approach pays off in their confidence and esteem but so far it seems to be.
I am a mother of 2 teenage daughters and I also take this approach. I have always encouraged them to be physically active and discover the amazing things their bodies can achieve and also discover how satisfying it can be to set and work hard towards achieving goals that have to do with increasing strength, skills, speed, whatever.
Of course, maybe one of the goals will be also to look good, but those goals are not the primary ones.
It has definitely been beneficial to their self esteem and confidence.
As a masters swimmer and a runner, I can set a good example and also they can see that strength and physical ability comes in all shapes, sizes and ages.2 -
Take a look at the Swimwear threads from a while back. The purpose was just that, normal people shots...
http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/866452/all-men-in-swimwear/p1
http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/483169/real-women-in-binkinis/p1
and of course...
http://www.mybodygallery.com
4 daughters here - personally I feel those threads and sharing images of "normal" people is good but only goes so far. I also can reinforce "but I don't want to look like that" mentality. Consider what others have been saying here.
I try to have them focus on what they can experience and do. I'm another person here focused on getting my daughters to climb, fence, run and go on adventures with me.
My oldest has done RAGBRAI at 16. My second wants to climb in the Dolomites with me. Third and fourth might do a Tough Mudder in a few years. Being able to set small goals, then build on prior achievements, then set longer term goals makes confidence a natural progression. My youngest went from an awkward and shy and uncertain about even attending her first fencing class to someone who drags me to regional competitions and wants to compete on the French national scene.3 -
Your 16 yr old sounds normal to me. As you know, children tend to eliminate (at least to our faces) what we are trying to tell them. Sometimes it takes years before you find out that it did sink in at the time. Keep taking her with you, and try to show her by example, that fitness is important for wellbeing overall. The above posters have given excellent suggestions on how to encourage her to test her body and learn what it can do. Good luck. These years pass, and other problems crop up to take their place, so it's more about us and how we decide to handle it, than about them.1
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I agree with the posters about joining a sport or whatever. I think encouraging her to be strong/skilled/etc is the way to go. Find out what makes her feel beautiful/strong/feminine is the more important thing. And if she is maybe interesting in joining art or music or whatever, encourage that too. If my parents let me pick what I wanted to, I think I would've been much happier as a teen.3
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EvgeniZyntx wrote: »Take a look at the Swimwear threads from a while back. The purpose was just that, normal people shots...
http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/866452/all-men-in-swimwear/p1
http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/483169/real-women-in-binkinis/p1
and of course...
http://www.mybodygallery.com
4 daughters here - personally I feel those threads and sharing images of "normal" people is good but only goes so far. I also can reinforce "but I don't want to look like that" mentality. Consider what others have been saying here.
I try to have them focus on what they can experience and do. I'm another person here focused on getting my daughters to climb, fence, run and go on adventures with me.
My oldest has done RAGBRAI at 16. My second wants to climb in the Dolomites with me. Third and fourth might do a Tough Mudder in a few years. Being able to set small goals, then build on prior achievements, then set longer term goals makes confidence a natural progression. My youngest went from an awkward and shy and uncertain about even attending her first fencing class to someone who drags me to regional competitions and wants to compete on the French national scene.
Hat tip here. I only have one.
It's tricky. My daughter has a little bit of a chubby tummy and I try to encourage exercise. She is just finishing up Girls On the Run this week.
I don't restrict junk food, because when I experienced that as a kid being told to not have something just made me want it more.
And she has expressed curiosity re:my dieting and weighing food, but I haven't really shared much with her about it because I can see she has the type of personality that might take the information and go too far with it because she has perfectionist tendencies and likes control.
Parenting is a tough job. We hopefully all do our best and don't mess up too badly.
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at 16 every girl has body issues.... even at 26 those still issues can remain.... then in our 30s and 40s we actually begin to feel less bothered by it all. I only wish our younger selves could gain that knowledge 20 yrs earlier.
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self esteem can't be taught sorry. She will come into her own at some point hopefully.
I have self esteem...always did it's not something I was taught It just was.
I still have "issues" tho there are things I want to change but don't worry about it (ie saggy belly from being pregnant and fat for a while)
notice I didn't mention stretch marks, saggy boobs, dimples etc...cause I DGAF1 -
Another vote for martial arts. Or yoga.0
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I'd encourage adding a performance/accomplishment oriented approach, if possible, too. *Any* physical activity that a young woman enjoys and wants to improve at, especially one that gives her a builtin peer group with similar ambitions, will work: Weight training, power lifting, dance, skating, martial arts, soccer, field hockey, softball, tennis, rowing, track . . . I could go on indefinitely.
I'm not discouraging/criticizing OP's actions or intentions, and I'm more than sure that she knows her own daughter better than a bunch of internet strangers do.
I'm speaking from having spent a bunch of time around young women from an NCAA division I sports team here in the US. These women talk about their bodies, but it is largely in "here's what I can do" "here's what I want/intend to do" mode. As a by-product, they're also strong, capable, confident, and yes, beautiful. But their focus is on doing, on accomplishment, not "this is how I want (need) to look".
As adult women in the lives of young women around us, I think this is something we can model, too: Strength and fitness have wonderful benefits in our daily lives, health is its own reward, and there's little need to phrase everything in terms of how we look. (Even if that script may be playing in our brains; why pass it on?).
It's pretty easy to consciously speak in terms of "I'm gonna go 5 minutes more on the treadmill each week" or "I'm going to bench press my goal bodyweight by this time next year" or "I'm going to do X push-ups" or even "I'm going to lose Y pounds so my knees feel better", instead of "I want a flat belly" or "I want to look cute in jeans" . . . even if we do want those things.2
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