How to tell well meaning husband to back off!?

Jessie24330

I'm not sure which forum to post this under so I hope this is the right place....

My husband means well. He really does. He is trying to be supportive but it's getting to me and he is just not hearing me when I tell him to shut up about it.

I've lost 51 pounds now, but it's taken me two years to do it. I'm proud of myself for that. In that time there has been a divorce, moving overseas, remarriage, pregnancy, and now a new baby. I'm incredibly proud of the fact that I haven't regained the weight with all the stress in the last year or so as I love to eat when I'm stressed. My loss has been slow but it's progress and I'm okay with slow. In fact, becoming okay with slow is part of the reason I think I've been successful this time vs the seemingly thousands of other times I've tried to lose weight and given up after I wasn't halfway to goal by the end of the first night lol.

The problem is coming for my husband wanting to "help" me to reach my goal by (constantly) offering to find me medication that will help with the weight loss. I think what he has in mind is something to suppress my appetite. I've tried to explain to him that this is not what I want. That I NEED to do this on my own. That I worked hard to learn how to eat, not how to stop eating. I am trying very hard to teach my ten year old daughter how to have a healthy relationship with food, not how to avoid it and I need to do this not only with words but by example.

My son is just three weeks old so I'm not really back to the whole counting calories thing yet but I'm getting into the mindset and I intend to start walking again soon, as soon as I buy a stroller for him as it's just too much for me to carry him everywhere, although I'm sure it would be great for my arms! I have about another 80 pounds I would like to lose, although I will have to see where I am comfortable when I get closer, and I'm fine with it taking another year or two or three to get there. Of course I would love to snap my fingers and be at goal but I would rather get there in a safe, healthy, sustainable way than with a quick fix that I'm going to gain back.

This is really more of a rant than anything else, as I know that all I can really do is keep telling him to shove it where the sun don't shine (lol). He means well and he doesn't make me feel bad about my weight, he loves me no matter how I look, he is just trying to be supportive in his own severely misguided way.

Is there anyone else who could deal with a little less "support" from their other half or someone else in your life? Thanks for letting me vent a bit and I would love to hear from others in a similar situation.

bellabonbons

If your husband really loves you, certainly he must be open to listening to what you have to say. This is not really the forum to go into a lot of detail regarding your situation with your husband but perhaps you can talk with him and let him know that you're well aware of your weight and have full intention to lose it and that you appreciate his help but right now your main focus is your three week old son. Especially if you're breast-feeding you certainly do not want to take any supplements at this time that could affect your baby.

Phrick

Sounds like it's time to be forthright and blunt: I DO NOT WANT TO TAKE PILLS, so STOP pushing them, dear.

Alternatively, you could counter-offer erectile/libido/stamina pills each time; I imagine that would get him to stop fairly quickly...

Phrick

Maybe contact your child's pediatrician, then bring your husband to an appointment where the ped. tells him that not a single one of these pills is safe for breastfeeding and he needs to stop in the best interest of his child, that might get through

Jams009

"Hey hubby, back off with the pills already". Sorry It's hard to give advice on this sort of thing, I'd just be persisitant with him and try not to let it get to you. He is trying to help so try not to get annoyed, just calmly stand your ground and either he'll get the message, or you'll reach your goal and the problem will go away.

I just want to say you have a fantastic attitude to weight loss and that is a great acheivement, especially as it sounds like you had a turbulent time recently.

suzyjane1972

You ever want to get laid again dear back the f off. .....

randomtai

Wow. :noway:

mbaker566

no+*deathglare*
(it is a complete sentence)

zoeysasha37

It certainly sounds like you have this figured out as far as the weight loss goes. Im always impressed when i see people who understand that slower weight loss is a good thing! It also sounds like you know that pills wouldnt help you achieve your goal. Fads and gimmicks never work for the long term.. it does seem like you know what your doing and how to do it , so you dont need any help from your husband.
I would seriously sit down and talk with him and let him know the facts about these pills and why they never help in the long run. Also show him the risks that go along with taking the pills. If all else fails, show him this thread. Let him know how serious you are and that you dont want his help. Once you put your foot down, he should get the hint

Jessie24330

Thank you all Really, it's just more of a rant than anything. I've been pretty upfront with him about it and try to be nice in my responses as I know he is only trying to help. I haven't thought to talk to him about the breastfeeding aspect so I may try that next time it comes up. If that doesn't work, I will def go with the ed pill suggestion! I hadn't thought of that but I'm sure it will work it's purpose lmao!!

I also want to say thank you to those that said that I have a good outlook on weight loss. That is the product of this site for sure! I stumbled upon MFP on accident just over two years ago while looking for a way to figure out the calories in a particular meal I was making. Best "accidental" find ever. I can't proclaim my love for MFP enough and I always tell people about it when the opportunity arises. This site has literally changed my life, and probably extended it too.

KatMR16

It sounds like he is being superficial. Like he WANTS your old body back no matter what it takes.
My husband helps me. Like if i say i want ice cream (lol) he will tell me what healthier snack options we have. But he is never persistent on me losing weight. And if he were, i would probably tell him to f off. How rude and insulting. I have had two kids and my body isn't what it used to be. But I'm two weeks in, and i feel better about myself and more energy. So I'm getting there. It takes time.

lorrpb

Can you give him some positive things to do for you...assist with meal prep, babysit so u can workout, get groceries, go to a farmstand, etc. "Dear, I don't want pills, but I would appreciate it if you could..."

SugarySweetheart

Tell him you'd rather have a stroller so you can continue exercising.

emdeesea

My SO has done this. We have a mutual friend who lost a lot of weight by taking supplements (don't know what they were and I don't really care). I was losing weight at the same time and my weight loss was a lot slower than hers. And so my SO would bring up "maybe you should try whatever she's taking lol."

I told him in no uncertain terms that I WANTED to do it the hard way because I wanted to do it the honest way and the RIGHT way. And to shut the f*** up about it.

Fast forward to today: the mutual friend has gained back all her weight and then some. I'm a good 60 pounds down.

You may have to just be very blunt with him.

mbaker566

emdeesea wrote: »

My SO has done this. We have a mutual friend who lost a lot of weight by taking supplements (don't know what they were and I don't really care). I was losing weight at the same time and my weight loss was a lot slower than hers. And so my SO would bring up "maybe you should try whatever she's taking lol."

I told him in no uncertain terms that I WANTED to do it the hard way because I wanted to do it the honest way and the RIGHT way. And to shut the f*** up about it.

Fast forward to today: the mutual friend has gained back all her weight and then some. I'm a good 60 pounds down.

You may have to just be very blunt with him.

reminds me when my SO said i should cut out sugar because a friend of ours lost that way. I asked him if i wasn't doing well enough with what i was doing. and then he had nothing to say

walking2running

He doesn't sound especially well meaning.... therein lies the problem.

NorthCascades

Jessie24330 wrote: »

My son is just three weeks old so I'm not really back to the whole counting calories thing yet but I'm getting into the mindset and I intend to start walking again soon, as soon as I buy a stroller for him as it's just too much for me to carry him everywhere, although I'm sure it would be great for my arms!

"I really don't want to use pills and my history with this shows I don't need them. But having a stroller will allow me to get some exercise."

LLT38

It does sound like you know what you are doing with weight loss. Congrats on your results! I agree with the posters that said your hubby is trying to find ways to help you. It's a good suggestion to give him a task to do instead that actually helps. I know my husband wanted to help when our daughter was just born and he didn't always know how. It's a difficult time for dads as infants don't interact much with them but they want to take care of their wife and child. Just keep telling him you want to continue your weight loss your way without appetite suppressants. Those drugs might even impact your recovery from childbirth and you can't take them while breastfeeding.

Larissa_NY

A guy who's pestering his wife to take weight loss drugs three weeks after she gives birth needs a clue-by-four upside the head. Maybe you need to sit him down and have a conversation with him about why it's so important to him for you to get back on the weight loss train three weeks after giving birth and why it's so important to him that you accomplish this by taking weight loss drugs.

You say he's trying to be supportive and you'd know better than I do, but too often men just do not think the "helpful" thing through. Sometimes you have to really lay it out for them.

brb_2013

lorrpb wrote: »

Can you give him some positive things to do for you...assist with meal prep, babysit so u can workout, get groceries, go to a farmstand, etc. "Dear, I don't want pills, but I would appreciate it if you could..."

LOL Dad's don't babysit. They parent.
But this is a good suggestion. If he wants to help, give him more constructive ways. Maybe he could come up with some new dinner suggestions and I second the asking him to go do shopping and such. 3 weeks post birth is still recovery time!

KiyaK

First of all, congratulations of your loss & amazing mental space! Kudos to you for setting a wonderful example for your children!

My hubby is also a bit of an idiot when it comes to eating well/fitness. What works for him does NOT work for me & he can't seem to get past that. What I have done is patiently & nicely explain my angle, what works for me & what I'm trying to do. If I do this a few times & he still continues to be an butthead, I literally tell him to *kitten* off and shut up. Once I yell at him a few times, he backs off.

Probably not the most mature way to handle things, but if he can't respect my choices & boundaries... *shrug*

Jessie24330

I understand how a lot of you think that he isn't being supportive or is trying to push me faster or something, I would probably think the same way about someone else situation too lol. They are really big on medication here, it's ridiculous really. And they LOVE to get injections at the pharmacy for everything. I wouldn't actually doubt if there was an injection to get when it hasn't rained in too long lmao. So in his mind, this is the way to do it, he is trying to make things easier for me.

As far as it goes, we only got married just over a year ago and I was heavier then than I am now, he doesn't have a problem with my weight (although I'm sure he would like it more if I was smaller), he loves me for my heart. He knows how much I want this, not him, and he is just trying to help. He has this idea in his mind that this is my opportunity to lose weight (again, they have weird thinking here) and he is trying to help encourage me, although, strangely, he thinks breastfeeding will make you gain weight, not lose it.

They are a special people here. They have big hearts but are often times misguided about things. For example, my MIL was sure that the baby was going to be really sick because he got a case of the hiccups! She wanted to cover him in 92 blankets to keep the breeze away so he could recover from them!!!! I, of course, didn't want to bake my baby so we had a bit of a stand off about this. She also had a fit when I drank some soda as she was sure it was going to give the baby gas when I nursed him. I had to Google it to prove to my husband that that is just crazy.