kid is gaining, need advice

arlyne23

My 20 yr old daughter is gaining weight again. This will be her third time. Each time is a little heavier than the last and she hits the obese range.

Both husband and I are normal BMI and eat healthy. She's an emotional eater. Husband broached the subject delicately a couple months ago and she accepted it with grace, but she's still gaining and I know where it'll end up. No bad foods kept in house. She eats out a lot.

Is there anything we can do or say? How about suggesting a dietician?

Katus130

I think it's really great that you are concerned about your daughter (rather than ignoring it as I've seen many parents do).

I don't know how active your daughter is but is there maybe a physical activity that you two could do together (zumba, yoga, spinning, ect). Maybe frame it in a way that makes it sound like you really need her support and dont want to go at it all alone.

I only suggest this because I feel like when people are more active and feel good they tend to approach eating a little differently.

ladynocturne

She is an adult and will lose weight when she is ready. My mom told me my butt was getting too big when I was 140lbs 5'7" and put me on a diet when I was 14. Just saying, I became a closet eater and felt extremely judged and belittled when I ate in front of her. I never felt like I was good enough.

Not trying to project, but I had to find my own way to health. No one could make me.

Unknown

This content has been removed.

candylilacs

I'm willing to bet she's aware she's gaining weight and doesn't need it pointed out to her. She has probably heard some rude comments or finds her clothes too small already.

You can be supportive and ask if she wants to join you for a walk or a swim -- as the poster above said -- frame this as *wanting to spend time with her*.

DON'T you or your husband say anything about her weight. She will just feel ganged-up on and irritated at you. My mother constantly harped about my weight, and it was really her issue, not mine, and caused a lot of pain for us both.

arlyne23

She is an adult and will lose weight when she is ready. My mom told me my butt was getting too big when I was 140lbs 5'7" and put me on a diet when I was 14. Just saying, I became a closet eater and felt extremely judged and belittled when I ate in front of her. I never felt like I was good enough.

Not trying to project, but I had to find my own way to health. No one could make me.

This is good to know.

arlyne23

I'm willing to bet she's aware she's gaining weight and doesn't need it pointed out to her. She has probably heard some rude comments or finds her clothes too small already.

You can be supportive and ask if she wants to join you for a walk or a swim -- as the poster above said -- frame this as *wanting to spend time with her*.

DON'T you or your husband say anything about her weight. She will just feel ganged-up on and irritated at you. My mother constantly harped about my weight, and it was really her issue, not mine, and caused a lot of pain for us both.

Makes sense.

arlyne23

While I can certainly understand your concerns and have had the same for members of my family, it's likely that even the most carefully worded suggestions regarding a diet are likely to have a negative impact. Like Katus130 suggested, perhaps a more subversive approach might be more effective, such as inviting her to go for a walk with you or asking her to join you for dinner. At age 20, that's likely to prove somewhat difficult as well though, as I'm sure she wants to spend most of her time with her friends, but it's worth a try.

Is SHE unhappy with her healthy/body composition? Ultimately nothing will change if she's seeking a change.

The bigger she gets, the unhappier and more worn out she is. The last time, she didn't realize how overweight she was until a few strangers made comments. That was the catapult for her change that time.

arlyne23

I think it's really great that you are concerned about your daughter (rather than ignoring it as I've seen many parents do).

I don't know how active your daughter is but is there maybe a physical activity that you two could do together (zumba, yoga, spinning, ect). Maybe frame it in a way that makes it sound like you really need her support and dont want to go at it all alone.

I only suggest this because I feel like when people are more active and feel good they tend to approach eating a little differently.

I like your last thought about eating differently.

ninerbuff

My 20 yr old daughter is gaining weight again. This will be her third time. Each time is a little heavier than the last and she hits the obese range.

Both husband and I are normal BMI and eat healthy. She's an emotional eater. Husband broached the subject delicately a couple months ago and she accepted it with grace, but she's still gaining and I know where it'll end up. No bad foods kept in house. She eats out a lot.

Is there anything we can do or say? How about suggesting a dietician?

Get a couple of sessions with a therapist for her. Maybe together they can identify why she turns to food when emotionally distraught.

A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

sassafrascas

The fact that it is a cycle for her is interesting to me. I would also suggest a therapist to see why she is turning to food is there a food addiction, self esteem issues? There are a number of things that make people seek comfort in food, problem is once you get attached to food like that its hard to break it at least for me. Bottom line encourage her to be active, if she is in college she needs to join intramural sports or take a fun dance class. Thats the key to keeping weight off for me I bounce around alot but if I am active at least I can somewhat maintain.

I agree that exercising with her is an awesome idea! but if you want to go walking with her or something be consistent! As an obese child my parents went on a walk with me like one time a piece and looking back I wish they had made it more consistent.
Moving is a key to a healthy life it really is. Take her to the Doctor maybe if she heres it from a professional the risk she is opening herself to by carrying the weight that will trigger a change again, when she does change again help her figure out a way to maintain it!
Good luck!

sassafrascas

She is an adult and will lose weight when she is ready. My mom told me my butt was getting too big when I was 140lbs 5'7" and put me on a diet when I was 14. Just saying, I became a closet eater and felt extremely judged and belittled when I ate in front of her. I never felt like I was good enough.

Not trying to project, but I had to find my own way to health. No one could make me.

This is good to know.

All of that is so true but it is the approach, remind her that she is loved and beautiful at ANY SIZE, but its for her health that she needs to loose the weight. That is the approach my dad always took and I do not have any emotional scars cause of him, my mother was like the above poster and I grew feeling like she didn't love me because I was fat, or that I was less than because of it. If your daughter is nearing the obese mark talk to her offer to help in anyway you can, but ultimately yes she is an adult and theres nothing you can really do for her until she is ready. But at least she will know you tried.

fightingautism

I feel your pain. I feel helpless with my daughter. I know talking about it makes her feel attacked, but when I don't try to address it, I feel I'm failing her as a parent. For me it's not even about her appearance. It's about her health. I fear for her joints, her heart, her future offspring if she decides she wants to be a mom one day. I want her body healthy. And i want her to feel good about herself. She is a beautiful young lady and I don't just say it because i'm her mother. She IS gorgeous. I want her to have a life rich in joy. And let's face it, feeling obese isn't a good feeling, and what ever drives one to be obese feeds into multiple parts of one's life. Please let me know if you find any good advice. I've tried the counseling route, hasn't been her "aha" yet.

toothpastechica

I'm willing to bet she's aware she's gaining weight and doesn't need it pointed out to her. She has probably heard some rude comments or finds her clothes too small already.

You can be supportive and ask if she wants to join you for a walk or a swim -- as the poster above said -- frame this as *wanting to spend time with her*.

DON'T you or your husband say anything about her weight. She will just feel ganged-up on and irritated at you. My mother constantly harped about my weight, and it was really her issue, not mine, and caused a lot of pain for us both.

This. Make healthy food when she is around, and invite her to do cardio or other fitness activities WITH you for the bonding...not for the calorie burning. She is an adult, its demeaning to tell her what she should be doing, She is probably well aware that she's heavier then maybe she should be.

sophie_wr

I was that daughter, gained a lot of weight around 18-20 (with pcos but I did not know that at the time), and my Dad was extremely mean (or at least it's how I felt back then) with my weight, saying I was too big and fat and ugly; he even "offered" me a scale for christmas.
I cried so much... and kept eating. and just told him to **** off, especially if he was suggesting that we go to bike/hike together.
I know (years after) that he probably was worried like you were, even though his strategy was obviously not mean.

It took me 10 years to realize that losing weight would be for me and not for him. and I move far far away from home (no diet related ! just job) and actually it might have make things easier... even though united states is not the easiest country to lose weight...

arlyne23

Ok, I will keep this all in mind. Thank you so much for the thoughts and ideas.

arlyne23

My 20 yr old daughter is gaining weight again. This will be her third time. Each time is a little heavier than the last and she hits the obese range.

Both husband and I are normal BMI and eat healthy. She's an emotional eater. Husband broached the subject delicately a couple months ago and she accepted it with grace, but she's still gaining and I know where it'll end up. No bad foods kept in house. She eats out a lot.

Is there anything we can do or say? How about suggesting a dietician?

Get a couple of sessions with a therapist for her. Maybe together they can identify why she turns to food when emotionally distraught.

A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

Oh, THIS is a problem for her. She will not see a therapist. She is quite hard headed.

Ready2Rock206

oh wow - I don't know what I'd do if my Dad came to me about my weight. My grandma and my step-Mom make me feel awful about my weight, but for some reason I think it would be 100 times worse if my Dad was the one to bring it up. I am well aware of my weight issues, I'd assume your daughter is too. I like the idea of doing activities with her - for fun, not to force her to lose weight. Maybe you can do some healthy cooking together too... But I think discussions of her weight would just be humiliating and make me want to eat more out of depression if it was me!

neandermagnon

I feel your pain. I feel helpless with my daughter. I know talking about it makes her feel attacked, but when I don't try to address it, I feel I'm failing her as a parent. For me it's not even about her appearance. It's about her health. I fear for her joints, her heart, her future offspring if she decides she wants to be a mom one day. I want her body healthy. And i want her to feel good about herself. She is a beautiful young lady and I don't just say it because i'm her mother. She IS gorgeous. I want her to have a life rich in joy. And let's face it, feeling obese isn't a good feeling, and what ever drives one to be obese feeds into multiple parts of one's life. Please let me know if you find any good advice. I've tried the counseling route, hasn't been her "aha" yet.

The following is also a suggestion for the OP.... and it is just a suggestion I don't know your family or situations at all, all I know is the following does apply in a lot of cases similar to this and parents may be unaware of the following.

Have you told her she's beautiful? Maybe she's not trying because she thinks she's ugly. Parents (in my experience) tend to think that their offspring already know that they're beautiful, clever, etc, because it's the truth, but a lot of young people, especially women, tend to have a very low opinion of themselves, especially when it comes to looks, due to pressure from the media, peer pressure etc. With some problems like this, what they need is to be built up. That's often why comments like "darling, I think you're gaining weight and I'm concerned about your health" are not taken well, because they already feel really down about themselves, so comments like that are seen as being kicked when you're down, twisting the knife in, etc. People who don't like themselves tend to be less likely to try to help themselves improve, because they don't believe they can, and/or don't believe that they're worth it. People generally do better at trying to change themselves when they like themselves and want to change because they know they deserve better.

If this is the problem you can't fix it overnight, but maybe you can help your daughter to feel better about herself, firstly by telling her she's beautiful (don't assume that she knows it already, because there's so much influence out there that makes women feel bad about their bodies) and commenting on her other good qualities, and also remind her of things she's done in the past that she's succeeded at. So rather than dealing with the specific problem (that she's becoming obese) you're aiming to give her what she needs to be able to make the decision to change what needs to be changed, for herself, because she wants to.

Working on self efficacy is also important, self efficacy is someone's ability to recognise the extent to which the results that you get (from anything) is to do with your own efforts, choices, etc and having the ability to get better results by doing things differently, and the determination to keep at it. Many people who are overfat but don't seem to want to put the effort in to change, have low self efficacy, and it's not that they don't want to change, more that they don't believe they can. I wrote a blog post about self efficacy: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/blog/neandermagnon People who have high self efficacy generally also have high self esteem and tend to be successful (and to deal with failure much more productively, i.e. they keep trying and try to find out what they're doing wrong so they can try a different way) because they feel in control of their lives and their successes boost their self esteem, rather than needing people to tell them they're worthy, etc.

glovepuppet

she's an adult. she knows she's fat.

all you can do is be there to support any healthy choices she makes.
unasked for advice = pressure, whether it's intended that way or not.

glovepuppet

My 20 yr old daughter is gaining weight again. This will be her third time. Each time is a little heavier than the last and she hits the obese range.

Both husband and I are normal BMI and eat healthy. She's an emotional eater. Husband broached the subject delicately a couple months ago and she accepted it with grace, but she's still gaining and I know where it'll end up. No bad foods kept in house. She eats out a lot.

Is there anything we can do or say? How about suggesting a dietician?

Get a couple of sessions with a therapist for her. Maybe together they can identify why she turns to food when emotionally distraught.

you don't just get therapy sessions for an adult.

therapy is a suggestion you make, tactfully, when/if they bring up the issues they're having.

helpfit101

How about ask her to start a food diary on this website. And get her a medical check up with a body fat % analysis. Then ask the medical expert where in the range she is (healthy, a little over, very over, obscene).

By that time it's a medical opinion. What she does with it is probably up to her. At her age she may not be mentally mature enough to deal with over-weight. We need to find some things out by ourselves, they cannot be taught. I was never much overweight but I know I am just getting around to being mentally able to cope with certain things now when I'm in my thirties.

You can bring a horse to water...

Velum_cado

I think the best thing you can do is be a good example. And I like the suggestion to invite her to workout with you.

As others have said, she probably knows she's getting heavier. As a fat girl, I never found it helpful to have that pointed out to me. I had to decide, on my own, that I'd had enough. Then, the motivation to change came 100% from me, and I was ready to work my butt off (literally) to change it. There's not a chance in hell I would have been that motivated just because someone told me I was fat. In fact, I probably would have dug in my heels a little bit. Like, "I'll show you - I can be healthy and happy without losing weight." But I can be a bit stubborn! Haha

IronKitty

I started having people concerned about my weight before I was ever overweight and even though my parents were very gentle and not pushy or mean about it, I can honestly tell you that the more people made my weight (good/bad/whatever) an issue the more I ate. I was an emotional eater too and it wasn't till people backed off that I started losing weight for myself.

For me, the more other people were concerned or talked about it, the more I rebelled against it and gained weight. You have to lose weight for yourself and no one can decide to do it, but you.

arlyne23

Thank you for everything. I will also read the blog on self efficacy.

arlyne23

I feel your pain. I feel helpless with my daughter. I know talking about it makes her feel attacked, but when I don't try to address it, I feel I'm failing her as a parent. For me it's not even about her appearance. It's about her health. I fear for her joints, her heart, her future offspring if she decides she wants to be a mom one day. I want her body healthy. And i want her to feel good about herself. She is a beautiful young lady and I don't just say it because i'm her mother. She IS gorgeous. I want her to have a life rich in joy. And let's face it, feeling obese isn't a good feeling, and what ever drives one to be obese feeds into multiple parts of one's life. Please let me know if you find any good advice. I've tried the counseling route, hasn't been her "aha" yet.

The following is also a suggestion for the OP.... and it is just a suggestion I don't know your family or situations at all, all I know is the following does apply in a lot of cases similar to this and parents may be unaware of the following.

Have you told her she's beautiful? Maybe she's not trying because she thinks she's ugly. Parents (in my experience) tend to think that their offspring already know that they're beautiful, clever, etc, because it's the truth, but a lot of young people, especially women, tend to have a very low opinion of themselves, especially when it comes to looks, due to pressure from the media, peer pressure etc. With some problems like this, what they need is to be built up. That's often why comments like "darling, I think you're gaining weight and I'm concerned about your health" are not taken well, because they already feel really down about themselves, so comments like that are seen as being kicked when you're down, twisting the knife in, etc. People who don't like themselves tend to be less likely to try to help themselves improve, because they don't believe they can, and/or don't believe that they're worth it. People generally do better at trying to change themselves when they like themselves and want to change because they know they deserve better.

If this is the problem you can't fix it overnight, but maybe you can help your daughter to feel better about herself, firstly by telling her she's beautiful (don't assume that she knows it already, because there's so much influence out there that makes women feel bad about their bodies) and commenting on her other good qualities, and also remind her of things she's done in the past that she's succeeded at. So rather than dealing with the specific problem (that she's becoming obese) you're aiming to give her what she needs to be able to make the decision to change what needs to be changed, for herself, because she wants to.

Working on self efficacy is also important, self efficacy is someone's ability to recognise the extent to which the results that you get (from anything) is to do with your own efforts, choices, etc and having the ability to get better results by doing things differently, and the determination to keep at it. Many people who are overfat but don't seem to want to put the effort in to change, have low self efficacy, and it's not that they don't want to change, more that they don't believe they can. I wrote a blog post about self efficacy: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/blog/neandermagnon People who have high self efficacy generally also have high self esteem and tend to be successful (and to deal with failure much more productively, i.e. they keep trying and try to find out what they're doing wrong so they can try a different way) because they feel in control of their lives and their successes boost their self esteem, rather than needing people to tell them they're worthy, etc.

Yes I have really tried to build her up. She's actually my step-daughter and has an abusive mother. I read your blog on self efficacy and am tuning in on the last paragraph:

Parents: you can instill high self efficacy in your children through how you give them feedback for anything they do. "wow you're really good at football" does not instill high self efficacy (it suggests that the child was born good at football).... "I'm really proud of how hard you work at football training, and it shows in how well you play at games" does. And when giving feedback for things that didn't go well "you did it wrong" doesn't install high self efficacy (it's nothing but blaming) however "that didn't go right, did it? What do you think you did wrong?" does.... and if they don't know what they did wrong, you can of course tell them, but follow it with asking them what they think they can do to improve/do better next time, etc.

This really makes good sense and I'll put it into play. One question; do you actually start a conversation about what she thinks she's doing wrong and how can she make it right with her intake?

nonoark

bump for later

naterciarodrigues58

I remember my dad kept telling me that "he'd love me no matter how fat I could get" and that he just wanted me to lose weight to feel better about myself. And everytime we went to buy new clothes and I had to ask for the number above, he's say "see? this is the things I want you to avoid, I know you don't feel good about yourself, and I want you to". Thing is, I was ready enough to accept me as me, and even though now, looking back, his words were as kind as could be, really, they hurt me so much then, and made me so angry and irritated I couldn't even look him in the eye.

If you are going to do something, then invite her to come along for a walk, or invite her to go try a zumba class, tell her to accompany you in something active that you think you could both ENJOY, and maybe by getting more active she'll start changing her habits. But please, do not try and choose words to tell her she's fat - she knows, and it will hurt that you are making the remark.

dontwishforit_workforit

I feel your pain. I feel helpless with my daughter. I know talking about it makes her feel attacked, but when I don't try to address it, I feel I'm failing her as a parent. For me it's not even about her appearance. It's about her health. I fear for her joints, her heart, her future offspring if she decides she wants to be a mom one day. I want her body healthy. And i want her to feel good about herself. She is a beautiful young lady and I don't just say it because i'm her mother. She IS gorgeous. I want her to have a life rich in joy. And let's face it, feeling obese isn't a good feeling, and what ever drives one to be obese feeds into multiple parts of one's life. Please let me know if you find any good advice. I've tried the counseling route, hasn't been her "aha" yet.

The following is also a suggestion for the OP.... and it is just a suggestion I don't know your family or situations at all, all I know is the following does apply in a lot of cases similar to this and parents may be unaware of the following.

Have you told her she's beautiful? Maybe she's not trying because she thinks she's ugly. Parents (in my experience) tend to think that their offspring already know that they're beautiful, clever, etc, because it's the truth, but a lot of young people, especially women, tend to have a very low opinion of themselves, especially when it comes to looks, due to pressure from the media, peer pressure etc. With some problems like this, what they need is to be built up. That's often why comments like "darling, I think you're gaining weight and I'm concerned about your health" are not taken well, because they already feel really down about themselves, so comments like that are seen as being kicked when you're down, twisting the knife in, etc. People who don't like themselves tend to be less likely to try to help themselves improve, because they don't believe they can, and/or don't believe that they're worth it. People generally do better at trying to change themselves when they like themselves and want to change because they know they deserve better.

If this is the problem you can't fix it overnight, but maybe you can help your daughter to feel better about herself, firstly by telling her she's beautiful (don't assume that she knows it already, because there's so much influence out there that makes women feel bad about their bodies) and commenting on her other good qualities, and also remind her of things she's done in the past that she's succeeded at. So rather than dealing with the specific problem (that she's becoming obese) you're aiming to give her what she needs to be able to make the decision to change what needs to be changed, for herself, because she wants to.

Working on self efficacy is also important, self efficacy is someone's ability to recognise the extent to which the results that you get (from anything) is to do with your own efforts, choices, etc and having the ability to get better results by doing things differently, and the determination to keep at it. Many people who are overfat but don't seem to want to put the effort in to change, have low self efficacy, and it's not that they don't want to change, more that they don't believe they can. I wrote a blog post about self efficacy: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/blog/neandermagnon People who have high self efficacy generally also have high self esteem and tend to be successful (and to deal with failure much more productively, i.e. they keep trying and try to find out what they're doing wrong so they can try a different way) because they feel in control of their lives and their successes boost their self esteem, rather than needing people to tell them they're worthy, etc.

Yes I have really tried to build her up. She's actually my step-daughter and has an abusive mother. I read your blog on self efficacy and am tuning in on the last paragraph:

Parents: you can instill high self efficacy in your children through how you give them feedback for anything they do. "wow you're really good at football" does not instill high self efficacy (it suggests that the child was born good at football).... "I'm really proud of how hard you work at football training, and it shows in how well you play at games" does. And when giving feedback for things that didn't go well "you did it wrong" doesn't install high self efficacy (it's nothing but blaming) however "that didn't go right, did it? What do you think you did wrong?" does.... and if they don't know what they did wrong, you can of course tell them, but follow it with asking them what they think they can do to improve/do better next time, etc.

This really makes good sense and I'll put it into play. One question; do you actually start a conversation about what she thinks she's doing wrong and how can she make it right with her intake?

I would say to let her bring it up. I think weight is a touchy topic for anyone regardless of their size. My aunt offered to let me go to the gym with her when I was in high school and I loved it.

My mother is about the same size as I am [14/16] and she constantly complains about how fat she is, so I offer to do activities with her [she wouldn't be caught dead in a gym] and she rejects me. Growing up though she constantly told me I was fat and poking at my stomach anytime we went clothes shopping, to the point that when I bought my wedding dress this last year I went with my fiancee, did not offer my mom the chance at all because I did not think she would be supportive.

I think she is way more hurt than she let on, but years upon years of her commenting on my weight really impacted me.

arlyne23

I feel your pain. I feel helpless with my daughter. I know talking about it makes her feel attacked, but when I don't try to address it, I feel I'm failing her as a parent. For me it's not even about her appearance. It's about her health. I fear for her joints, her heart, her future offspring if she decides she wants to be a mom one day. I want her body healthy. And i want her to feel good about herself. She is a beautiful young lady and I don't just say it because i'm her mother. She IS gorgeous. I want her to have a life rich in joy. And let's face it, feeling obese isn't a good feeling, and what ever drives one to be obese feeds into multiple parts of one's life. Please let me know if you find any good advice. I've tried the counseling route, hasn't been her "aha" yet.

The following is also a suggestion for the OP.... and it is just a suggestion I don't know your family or situations at all, all I know is the following does apply in a lot of cases similar to this and parents may be unaware of the following.

Have you told her she's beautiful? Maybe she's not trying because she thinks she's ugly. Parents (in my experience) tend to think that their offspring already know that they're beautiful, clever, etc, because it's the truth, but a lot of young people, especially women, tend to have a very low opinion of themselves, especially when it comes to looks, due to pressure from the media, peer pressure etc. With some problems like this, what they need is to be built up. That's often why comments like "darling, I think you're gaining weight and I'm concerned about your health" are not taken well, because they already feel really down about themselves, so comments like that are seen as being kicked when you're down, twisting the knife in, etc. People who don't like themselves tend to be less likely to try to help themselves improve, because they don't believe they can, and/or don't believe that they're worth it. People generally do better at trying to change themselves when they like themselves and want to change because they know they deserve better.

If this is the problem you can't fix it overnight, but maybe you can help your daughter to feel better about herself, firstly by telling her she's beautiful (don't assume that she knows it already, because there's so much influence out there that makes women feel bad about their bodies) and commenting on her other good qualities, and also remind her of things she's done in the past that she's succeeded at. So rather than dealing with the specific problem (that she's becoming obese) you're aiming to give her what she needs to be able to make the decision to change what needs to be changed, for herself, because she wants to.

Working on self efficacy is also important, self efficacy is someone's ability to recognise the extent to which the results that you get (from anything) is to do with your own efforts, choices, etc and having the ability to get better results by doing things differently, and the determination to keep at it. Many people who are overfat but don't seem to want to put the effort in to change, have low self efficacy, and it's not that they don't want to change, more that they don't believe they can. I wrote a blog post about self efficacy: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/blog/neandermagnon People who have high self efficacy generally also have high self esteem and tend to be successful (and to deal with failure much more productively, i.e. they keep trying and try to find out what they're doing wrong so they can try a different way) because they feel in control of their lives and their successes boost their self esteem, rather than needing people to tell them they're worthy, etc.

Yes I have really tried to build her up. She's actually my step-daughter and has an abusive mother. I read your blog on self efficacy and am tuning in on the last paragraph:

Parents: you can instill high self efficacy in your children through how you give them feedback for anything they do. "wow you're really good at football" does not instill high self efficacy (it suggests that the child was born good at football).... "I'm really proud of how hard you work at football training, and it shows in how well you play at games" does. And when giving feedback for things that didn't go well "you did it wrong" doesn't install high self efficacy (it's nothing but blaming) however "that didn't go right, did it? What do you think you did wrong?" does.... and if they don't know what they did wrong, you can of course tell them, but follow it with asking them what they think they can do to improve/do better next time, etc.

This really makes good sense and I'll put it into play. One question; do you actually start a conversation about what she thinks she's doing wrong and how can she make it right with her intake?

I would say to let her bring it up. I think weight is a touchy topic for anyone regardless of their size. My aunt offered to let me go to the gym with her when I was in high school and I loved it.

My mother is about the same size as I am [14/16] and she constantly complains about how fat she is, so I offer to do activities with her [she wouldn't be caught dead in a gym] and she rejects me. Growing up though she constantly told me I was fat and poking at my stomach anytime we went clothes shopping, to the point that when I bought my wedding dress this last year I went with my fiancee, did not offer my mom the chance at all because I did not think she would be supportive.

I think she is way more hurt than she let on, but years upon years of her commenting on my weight really impacted me.

I know her mother made disparaging comments to her when she was both heavier and thinner but mostly thinner because she was envious. Her mother is overweight and liked it when her daughter was on the heavy side but envious when she was lighter. So sad.

MyJourney1960

this is very sad.

I agree that you can't really influence her to diet. and i agree that shhe knows she has gained weight.

I also think you should have a sort-of intervention to get her to therapy - NOT specifically for the weight issues (i wouldn't even bring that up at all) but yes for the abuse/dysfunction from her mother. You will have to figoure out *how* to word this (maybe even worth while for YOU to go to the therapist first), but maybe something like you are sad that she seems to be depressed (or whatever outwardly thing you see), and now that she is 20, you think it's time for her to re-address some of her childhood issues. assure her that it's a really brave thing to do, to ask for help, and it's a really healthy thing. assure her that you both love her very much and would like to help her make healthy choices in life (school, work etc NOT WEIGHT related).

When my son was in his teens i forced the issue with him- i told him that i would dial the number and he would talk to them (it was a teen hotline). Best thing i ever did for him. (He still thanks me for it!). sometimes they just need a little or big push.