How to help, not offend?

LMick1986

I actually don't know what I want to ask, but maybe I can get some opinions. I've never been overweight, myself. I'm 5'3" and I recently lost about 15-18 pounds. I was nearly 140 and now down to 120ish. Sooo, to most, that doesn't seem much, but to me it was. I was super excited about losing the weight in a healthy way....and I worked hard to do it.....and continue to work hard to maintain. Here is the dilemma. I'm prepping with my family for my mom's wedding next month. My cousin and I were dress shopping the other day and she started to get mega bummed because she is overweight. She kinda started making me feel bad and then I got bummed too. How do you go about feeling good about your accomplishments, but not making someone else feel bad about their weight? I don't look at other people's weight and judge them. I love my cousin to death and her weight doesn't concern me. I don't even know if she wants to lose weight. How do I talk about dressing (which I know you all can relate to having your own insecurities when it comes to clothes shopping) without offending? Does that make sense?

Madame_Goldbricker

Are you both part of the wedding party (bridesmaids) or guests? I was one of 3 bridesmaids for my best friends wedding a couple of years back. I'm about 5" taller than the other 2 girls & approx 2 sizes bigger. We got round it by getting my dress in the same style, but mine in the long. Their's were short version & hot pink. Mine was black & it worked really well as a group. If you're both guests then just help her pick out something that flatters her shape. Enlist the girls in the shops their job's to make a sale, but also to keep people walking out happy at the end of the day.

LMick1986

We're both bridesmaids. We've had zero luck in finding the same dresses in both ends of the size spectrum. There are five of us and our sizes range from XS to 3X. To me, our sizes don't matter. I want everyone to feel comfortable and pretty and the wedding. I know it's stressful and I don't know how to help with taking that stress away from others.....especially when I'm viewed as "the skinny one that looks good in every single dress".

Madame_Goldbricker

The only things I can think of are either go with the same shade of dress in totally different styles. Or go with the completely contrasting colours in the same style. (Pastels shades work really well with this). I've seen both ways look really good. Other idea is finding a seamstress who can make the dresses to order, but thats a cost/time factor. If it was me I'd go for kitting the bigger girls out first. Dresses are far easier to then be taken in on the smaller sizes. I get where your coming from though it's a nightmare getting everyone feeling good all of the time.

LMick1986

I mean, I'm not too worried about finding a dress for everyone......it's more about the emotions involved. Do you tiptoe around things.....shy away from being proud of your own accomplishments......lie to make someone feel better....etc?

NonnyMary

dont put yourself down just to not make someone else feel better. Thats not fair to you.

As long as you are not gloating or teasing her or acting stuck up about it, then your ok.

You can be happy and talk about it in a way that makes you feel good. But its their problem if they are offended. Maybe that will inspire them to start losing weight when you just naturally talk about your successes.

MyJourney1960

I mean, I'm not too worried about finding a dress for everyone......it's more about the emotions involved. Do you tiptoe around things.....shy away from being proud of your own accomplishments......lie to make someone feel better....etc?

you just don't talk about the weight. don't talk about your own accomplishments, and don't mention/talk about/hint about your cousin's weight problem. Focus on things that don't highlight size - like "oh cousin, that shade of brown looks so great on you!"

tricksee

If she's bummed about being overweight, a part of her must want to be slimmer.

Mention your looking to cut some chub before the wedding and going to do a bit of running, if she wants to lose weight she may jump at the opportunity to go together.

If not, Why don't you both take up an activity together like tennis, swimming or something where you can both spend time and burn cals at the same time.

readanddance

This can be hard, and I'm not sure if my answer will make sense. I've opted to have really open conversations with my friends when I'm clothes shopping. My best friend has never struggled with her weight, and I have been overweight/insecure for a long time. When she and I go shopping, I've asked her not to tell me something looks fabulous if it doesn't. My family/friends know that I am very realistic when I shop. Tell me if the pants are too small or too big; tell me if the shirt isn't flattering. And yet, there are days when I shop that I become incredibly discouraged. At that point, it's time to stop for the day. Continuing will see me focusing on imperfections rather than the overall look. Maybe before you go, you both can go have a free make-up session at a store. If I begin shopping feeling beautiful, then the day is easier.

With regards to feeling ashamed about your success or possibly lying, please don't! You've worked hard on your journey. If she asks, tell her. If she doesn't, don't.

Hellbent_Heidi

Maybe you can steer her toward a dress that is flattering and plays up one of her better features and work some compliments in that way?

GillaMahogany

Ack! Weddings! It's like someone is always going to be offended no matter what you do, but all you want to do is have everyone be happy! I agree with whoever said get the bigger girls fitted first. Focus on the positives. Say something like "that neckline looks really flattering on you". It will be natural for them to feel jealous of you (so am I!) but there's nothing you can do about that.

Hellbent_Heidi

Sorry (double post) :grumble:

jwdieter

If people are ready to change, they'll ask and be open to suggestions. If they're in whine mode, nothing you can do. Regarding the wedding, just be there to help and do your part.

MinnieInMaine

If you don't feel like you can say that using this site helped you, maybe you could include a little while lie and say "a friend of mine had a lot of success using this website called MFP, maybe you should check it out?". And/or volunteer to meet up with her to walk, run, swim, etc.

Try to keep the conversation positive by giving her options to change instead of letting her just wallow in how much she hates her body. That's never going to end up good for anyone...

FYI on the dress thing. I was in a wedding years about 10 years ago and we found a dress that worked across the size spectrum. I'm pretty sure it was an Alfred Angelo dress. Just have to find a local shop that can order the proper size for your measurements and then alter if needed.

cebreisch

I had surgery about 3 months ago to remove excess skin/fat from losing 120 pounds. When I came back into the office, one of the girls said, "D*mn! Now I'm the biggest person in the office!" I felt bad for a few minutes, then thought, "Hey, I worked hard to get here, and it isn't as if she couldn't have jumped on the band-wagon with me!!" Instead of saying, "I'm sorry" - it was, "Well hey, come on along - you can do it too!!"

You have no control over what other people do/say/think. It isn't as if you were flaunting your loss to her. If she does bring up wanting to lose weight, let her know about this site. Direct her attention to a Nutritionist. Not that you don't deserve kudo's for your accomplishments, you do. I've learned though that most people who ask me what I'm doing aren't usually willing to become uncomfortable enough to do the work to be successful at weight loss.

Most overweight people I know have had such a fear of failure that it's hard for them to start on any program. Not that I haven't stumbled a LOT either. We both know that weight loss is a hard game to play. Just be supportive to her efforts. If she asks you what you did - let her know, and offer support.

cutieryan

First, congrats on your loss! Losing that kind of weight is harder the smaller you are so don't let anyone make you feel like what you mangaed to do is not a big deal.
Second, in your shoes I wouldnt say anything. A pat on the back and a sad frowny face are all I'd give. When someone hates thier body but doesn't want to do the work to change they complain. When they are ready to do whatever it takes to get healthy they ask the people they love and trust for help. When she's ready to hear your wisdom she'll let you know.

billsica

Well really the way is to just develop a swagger.

norahwynn

Of course it would be up to your Mom (the bride), but there are a lot of weddings these days where the bridesmaids have similar, but completely different dresses. Usually the same color, but totally different styles. I personally love that idea so you don't have a bunch of the same thing in the wedding party.
Anyway, maybe you can bring this up to your Mom, and if she's for it she can get all the bridesmaids together so she can tell them her 'great idea' that SHE thought of herself (just so your cousin doesn't think that it came from you because of your shopping experience the other day).

It's not 100% honest, but there will be soooo much stress off of you, your cousin and the rest of the bridesmaids.

Good luck, and congrats to you Mom!!

rml_16

I have a friend who's overweight and gets extremely offended that I want to lose weight myself, as if I'm directly criticizing HER. For a while, I kept a blog about my efforts and she would make comments about hhow sad she was for me and then get really angry at me for asking her if she wanted to go for a walk, even though she had told me she was interested in doing things like that.

I just decided to ignore her and do my thing.

thrld

We're both bridesmaids. We've had zero luck in finding the same dresses in both ends of the size spectrum. There are five of us and our sizes range from XS to 3X. To me, our sizes don't matter. I want everyone to feel comfortable and pretty and the wedding. I know it's stressful and I don't know how to help with taking that stress away from others.....especially when I'm viewed as "the skinny one that looks good in every single dress".

It's not just the size spectrum you have to accomodate with dresses -- it's the body shape spectrum. What looks good on Marilyn Monroe won't necessarily look good on Katherine Hepburn, and vice versa. (So I support commenter norahwynn's suggestions of different styles but same color dresses). As for taking that stress away from others - you can't control other people's emotions/feelings about their bodies -- and attempts to do so will not be appreciated, and may be seen as pity.

thrld

I mean, I'm not too worried about finding a dress for everyone......it's more about the emotions involved. Do you tiptoe around things.....shy away from being proud of your own accomplishments......lie to make someone feel better....etc?

There is a difference between keeping quiet about your accomplishments while someone is actively commenting on how they feel they are failing and lying about your accomplishments to make someone feel better. If you have to lie about your accomplishments that means that your friend has made you feel bad about them -- and what kind of friend does that? Why can you only be positive about their goals/acccomplishments but not about yours? This is not to say you should continuously crow about your accomplishments - but if you find that you can never ever acknowledge your accomplishments in any context because your friend will only use them as a stick to beat themselves up - well you need to talk to your friend, because they are being unfair to both of you.

Part of being a grown up means no longer being jealous of friends. It is okay to be envious - to wish that you had what they had. But jealousy is different -- it's that you don't want them to have it either and somehow blame them for your lack. Jealous friends act betrayed, as if there is greater friendship when both are equally unhappy. A true friend shares your sorrow, but also is shares your joy (why is sharing the joy so much harder for some than sharing the sorrow?). A true friend wants what is best for you, and supports your positive changes.