How can I help my husband get motivated?

noexcuses0626

I'm trying to enlist my husband to lose weight with me. In the last 10 or so years he has put on about 100 lbs and is heading into dangerous territory. Right now, based on his last known weight, I estimate his BMI to be about 43. I've noticed that he now groans when he moves, he complains of more aches and pains, he's always out of breath, and now his summer clothes are all too small.
He loves food, so "dieting" or restricting calcories or portions in any way is really torturous for him. He gets extremely grumpy! I've tried encouraging him to join us on family bike rides, etc, but he complains that his back hurts, he hates biking, all he wants is to have his treadmill back. Just one problem: the treadmill is in the basement and the ceiling is too low to accommodate his 6'4" height. We don't really have anywhere else to put it, though...
So, last night I invited him to do a workout DVD with me. "Just 20 minutes!". He lasted about 30 seconds before he started complaining. It's a vicious cycle: he can't exercise because his body hurts (back, knees, etc), but his body hurts because he weighs too much. If he could lose some weight, then he would be more comfortable exercising, but he can't lose weight because he's too uncomfortable. AHHH! I get his frustration, but I'm just trying to help!
So... my question is, how can I help him? How can I encourage him when he doesn't seem to want to help himself?
My weight loss mantra is simple: Eat less, move more. I just wish that he would join me. He wants to lose weight, he just doesn't want to put in the effort to do it.

frawley23

Unfortunately it's his body, his choice. You can't push another person to change their lifestyle if they don't want to. The change has to come from him.
You can encourage him by keeping the things he needs to succeed within reach. If he likes the treadmill, find somewhere for it even if it goes in your bedroom or living room. Stock the house with healthier foods that he likes so he doesn't decide to forgo what's on offer and eat out instead.

RoseTheWarrior

You can't help him. He has to want to make a change. Until then, just do your own thing. Don't force anything on him, don't make "suggestions". Leave him be.

I've lost over 75 lbs, and if my DH even mentions anything I "should" or "shouldn't" do, guaranteed I will do the opposite, and be mad at him for a good day or so for saying something. I'm doing this for me, not him. At first, he was on this journey with me, and he lost 25 lbs. The last couple of months, he's moved more into his old ways of eating poorly. I say nothing. I just keep doing my thing. It's his life, it's his body. I love him regardless of his weight, as he loves me no matter what size I am. When I first said I wanted to lose weight, and he tried to be "helpful", I had to sit him down and tell him that he can't say anything about it. If he even asks me if I'm going to work out today, I get mad. I can't explain it, but having someone do that has the exact opposite effect they're hoping for. Maybe because it sounds more like "I don't like you this way", or "you're doing life wrong", or "you're not acceptable", than "I love you and want to help you."

_dixiana_

My husband had gained 50 pounds in the last few years. I had gained 15, which may not seem like a lot, but I'm small already and it was enough to make me borderline depressed. He said so many times "I'm starting Monday" that it turned into the boy who cried wolf. I finally got motivated and started using MFP again and shortly afterward he joined a fitness bootcamp challenge. I am so proud of him for sticking it out! It was grueling, but once he started seeing results, that just spurred him on. He lost 26lbs in 6 weeks. He just finished and is currently out of the country, but when he gets back next week he's planning to lose the last 24.
With all that said, really YOU can't motivate him. It's mostly mental and until he's in that headspace he won't do it. I speak from experience with myself AND my with my husband. Nothing I said or did motivated him. It had to come from himself.

Sharon_C

He's not going to be able to exercise until he loses some weight and he refuses to lose the weight because he loves his food. He has to come to this decision himself. Forcing him will only cause problems between the two of you. Maybe if he sees you having fun bike riding or taking walks he'll realize he's missing out on so much and decide to join you.

I would keep doing your thing for you and don't let him discourage you. Cook healthy meals and offer them to him, but it's up to him to eat them.

SisterSueGetsFit

I agree with the other posters, there (unfortunately) is nothing you can do to help him. I've been the "fat one" and nobody could make the change but me. One day a light bulb just turned on and I started making better choices. I also agree that you should just try to set a good example and hope that he follows suit. Until then, support him in the healthy choices he does make.

newereveryday

I so relate to your struggle! Thankfully, my DH wants to lose weight himself so I haven't had to really encourage anything on that front, but good grief am I tired of being snapped at. He says he's hungry all the time, though I personally think it's a mental thing and not a physical hunger and he hasn't learned to tell the difference, but it results in him being constantly hangry anyway. Even when I try to offer snack ideas (since he has enough calories to snack plenty through the day), I just get snapped at and told he doesn't want any of that he just wants [fill in craving of the day].

It's exactly what you said, he wants to lose weight, but doesn't want to have to put in any effort. Mostly I've resolved to do as other commenters have suggested - do my own thing and let him do his. It'd just be easier if I wasn't suffering his wrath along the way, but whatever. Maybe when he sees it working for me, he'll start making some changes of his own.

crazypeachs

I really like what the first response said. Make it as easy for him as possible. If he wants his treadmill, maybe that really WILL be the golden apple and make him take the first steps. Even if it has to be in the living room. Maybe that would make it extra accessible for him. I had a friend that wanted to lose weight, so she bought one of those stupid gazelle things on a garage sale (it's not stupid if it works for you. hers was only temporary) and set it up in her living room. she lived in an apartment and didn't have any other real options. who cares as long as it gets used?

otherwise, everyone is right. i had to come to grips with that. my husband and i are very overweight, but i couldn't get him to come with me on walks, or anything. well, for us it turned out 'ok' because he ended up getting a job that he was very active at, and now he walks about 10000-20000 steps a day (at work), and we're eating healthier, and he's dropping the pounds like they're stinky socks. he still doesn't want to walk with me, but we do strength exercises together (it's something, and i need help in that). turns out, he told me this morning, he never wanted to walk with me because he wanted me to find my own motivation and go without him and not rely on him. well, it's called support, but i guess i can find it elsewhere. anyway, he says he'll walk with me in 'a while' - after i show my motivation is in myself. (i guess we were in a stalemate)

anyway, my point is, just do you. be as silently supportive as you can. you know, buy healthful foods, cook healthful meals, let the kids invite him to bike ride, let him know where you're going without an invitation. eventually he may come around. and if he doesn't, sad as it may make you, it's his loss. he has to have the lightbulb in his own head turn on.

rerez2015

Introduce him to a LCHF WOL (LOW CARB HIGH FAT WAY OF LIVING).
I've lost over 100 lbs since 2015.
The food and recipes are DELICIOUS.
Friend me if you want to

Moxie42

Unfortunately you can't help someone who doesn't want to help himself. I have a similar situation with my husband. He's not morbidly obese BUT he does have a lot of back/knee problems and he uses these as reasons to not be active. The past month I've been pretty on track myself though, so instead of trying to directly encourage him to do certain things, I simply talk excitedly about things that I have done that are helping me, and if he complains about something I make a suggestion on what he could do about it.

A couple examples:
* He loves ice cream. Recently I brought home mini 100-cal drumstick ice cream cones. I told him, "Look what I found! It's REAL ice cream but this way we won't eat a whole carton! It's perfect!" In the past, when I've said things like "This is better for us because we eat too much crap," he has responded negatively and been completely unsatisfied with my "solution." But if I act all happy and excited, he seems to kinda just go along with it, and he actually ended up saying "This is actually a pretty good idea." We've been sticking to that for weeks now, switching up flavors and styles, but always the mini 100-150 cal sizes.
* If he complains about his knee hurting, I say something like "I know what you mean. Sometimes my knees hurt too, and my back. That's why I started swimming. It feels soooo much better! Want to go with me next time?" He doesn't go with me right now BUT he has at least gone from completely rejecting the idea to being open-minded to it. It's a step in the right direction. In the past I would say something like "well that's why we need to lose weight." No one wants to hear that.
* In the past I've said things like "We seriously need to start eating healthier- I'm not making alfredo sauce anymore unless it's a healthy kind." Well, that sounds like no fun. So instead, recently, I said "Hey, I found this recipe for alfredo sauce but it's half the calories. I know it sounds weird but the recipe reviews are great so I'm going to give it a shot." He was wary of it but I was so excited he went along with it (and found that it was actually pretty good!)

I've found that if I take the focus off him, and simply try to relate to him, and talk about what is working for me, he shows more interest in the conversation and is more willing to try things out. It's all about putting it in a positive light. There's an assumption that losing weight has to be a miserable experience. Showing him that it doesn't have to be so miserable, and focusing on how better you feel both physically and emotionally (instead of just focusing on the weight itself), might help him feel a little more comfortable with the idea of making small changes.

I'd also find a place to put the treadmill and surprise him with it (what a nice way to show you have his back and are willing to do what it takes to help him)

AmyG1982

If he likes the treadmill maybe invite him to go for walks instead of bike rides or DVDs that will make him feel more out of shape. Or maybe see if there is somewhere else you can put the treadmill?

Alluminati

Have you tried talking to him about your concerns? I never understand how people feel okay about talking about their spouses to online strangers instead the spouses themselves. Maybe it's just me.

randomtai

Alluminati wrote: »

Have you tried talking to him about your concerns? I never understand how people feel okay about talking about their spouses to online strangers instead the spouses themselves. Maybe it's just me.

So much this.

rosebette

I had the same problem with my husband for many years. He also is about 100 lbs. overweight and in denial about how heavy he is, and he's a big guy, too, so doesn't look as heavy as he is. He's also Type II diabetes. While I've changed my lifestyle and have been eating better and working out more, he would be eating stuff in the office -- donuts, pizza, etc. that would undo everything I did at home. He also has a sedentary profession -- software design and development -- and can be on the computer as long as 12-14 hours a day. Then, we saw an article in The Boston Globe by David Ludwig, who is a Harvard MD who also works in the Boston Children's Obesity clinic. He wrote a book called Always Hungry which states that people who are overweight, especially with prediabetes, metabolic syndrome, and Type II diabetes, have bodies that have been programmed by the high carb, low fat diets promoted over the last few years to actually eat more carbs. Anyway, we talked a lot about the article and I bought the book. My hub read the first half and recognized himself in most of the descriptions. Anyway, I started using the recipes and following the program. They focus mostly on protein, full fat dairy, and carbs from fruit and beans -- no grains at all in the first Phase. Incredibly, my husband loved the diet! He feels very full after every meal, and if he needs to snack, he eats nuts or an apple and peanut butter. He eats eggs and full fat yogurt for breakfast and is no longer tempted by the donuts at the office. So far, he's lost 27 lbs. since April, and this despite having two major eye surgeries and being on bed rest for a time. He recently admitted to me that he has been "addicted" to sugar and carbs for a long time, and that eating even one carb item (such as toast or cereal) at breakfast would get him started in the break room eating donut after donut. We're just gradually introducing some carbs such as brown rice or sweet potato at night, and he's doing OK with that. He also gets an ounce of dark chocolate every day, which satisfies his desire for a treat.

I am normal weight and have followed the diet when I'm with him, but eat what I want when he's not around, and he's been OK with that, although initially, he felt I should be in "solidarity" at all times. However, I started to get some "low carb flu" symptoms such as body aches and headaches, so I apparently need a few more carbs. I also don't have the same addictive response to carbs that he has. I am starting to believe that many overweight and prediabetes and Type II folk have a different relationship with food and reaction to certain foods than normal weight people.

In any case, part of the success with the diet is that your husband has to be on board with it. It has to be his idea or if it's your idea, you have to persuade him it's his idea. I never would have believed this program would work, but it has completely changed my husband's relationship with food. I hope that you can find something similar for your husband.

Moxie42

I think (or maybe I just hope!) that most people end up asking questions online because just talking to the spouse doesn't always work on the first (or tenth) try, and/or maybe they aren't sure how to approach such a sensitive subject. There are some people I WISH would have checked out some MFP posts before telling me their opinions on my weight, lol!

But yes, talking to the spouse is definitely the #1 thing that has to happen. While it might not result in an immediate change, understanding WHY the spouse is so hesitant to make changes can help so much in figuring out what to do from there, and expressing honest concerns can help the spouse realize that the weight problem affects the entire family, and sometimes that can be a catalyst for change as well.

randomtai

Moxie42 wrote: »

I think (or maybe I just hope!) that most people end up asking questions online because just talking to the spouse doesn't always work on the first (or tenth) try, and/or maybe they aren't sure how to approach such a sensitive subject. There are some people I WISH would have checked out some MFP posts before telling me their opinions on my weight, lol!

That means you let it go because they are not ready. Or leave.

rosebette

Your spouse already knows he's overweight. Mine did, and I would talk to him about it. He would say he'd change, but he was too busy, the work environment was too difficult and didn't allow time for exercise or healthy eating, etc. His doctor actually told him to watch some videos about how bad processed food was, weight loss, etc., which he never did because he didn't have to time to watch videos. He'd even "mansplain" that with "brain work" such as software development, extra carbs such as pizza were necessary to ward off fatigue and brain fog. It wasn't until he read this book that he had the "come to Jesus" moment and recognized his relationship with food. By the way, I put the book in the bathroom because he likes to read there. Anyway, your spouse has to have the same kind of awakening, if not with this program, through some other method.

NaturalNancy

Can u watch my 600 LB life on tv?
Get a gym membership?
Buy him some free weights?

I would first talk to him in a loving and caring way, with no judgement.
And don't use yourself as an example.