Advice - how to deal with drama-queen sister

Vetticus_3

Hi,

I need just a bit of advice from complete strangers on how to deal with my sister.

It needs a bit of history:
I have a sister that is 11 years older than me. About 6 years ago we had a fight because I went overseas for a holiday and she wanted me to pay for her to go overseas as well. I wish I was exaggerating. Anyway, after that, she pretended that I didn't exist.

A year or two went by, and she got a new boyfriend - he had to meet me. She was acting as though everything was fine between us. OK.

I went overseas for a job interview, and I asked her to take care of our mum (who was ok, but not feeling that great). She agreed. Every time I called her, she went on about how she took mum shopping, how they went out, got a massages, how everything was fine. I also called mum, and asked how it was with her, and she was a little bit confused but said it was all good, and changed the subject. I came back, found out mum had dislocated her knee - had called my sister for help to go A&E - my sister had to go to a party so didn't take her. Long story short - mum took herself to the hospital and ended up at home without food for 5 days because it was too painful to get to the shops. My sister took her no where, hung up on mum when she called to ask for help again, and didn't do anything that she claimed on the phone. I stopped talking to her after that, but she would always message me about her boyfriend and how great he was.

I moved overseas and took mum with me. She broke up with the boyfriend - masses of emails on her emotional well being and how she valued family and was glad that she had me to talk too.

I came back for my graduation ceremony. She had 6 months notice that I was coming and when the ceremony was. I stayed at a backpackers because she had no room. Ok. She visited one day, and I cooked her dinner (at the backpackers). Ok. I checked that she was still going to come to the ceremony in 2 weeks (a Friday) - she said she'd come. Between the dinner and the ceremony (2 weeks) she refused to answer any of my phone calls, texts, or emails. I still assumed she was coming. 9 pm the night before the ceremony, she sent a text that she wasn't coming because her work was more important (she's a secretary). I sent her a text saying she could have told my any time during the past 2 weeks, instead of the night before. She then sent me a barrage of texts, several of which included these exact words: you're just a hater. I sent her one text only saying: have a nice day. During the ceremony, she sent a text asking where the dinner was - because her work was going to have a dinner party, and she needed to choose where to go. I texted her that there was no dinner because 6 months ago when I was asking everyone in the family for info on who would come to an after party/dinner and where we should go - no one wanted to go out - including her. Over the next dozen or so texts I got called a hater again (and again, and again) and I am jealous of her career (as a secretary - I had just gotten my PhD!). I ignored it all.

3 years pass, and she sent me an email asking for health advice on a new boyfriend. I wrote back with the most complete advice I could give.

New boyfriend died (cancer). So many phone calls, so many emails, helping her through her "grief".
*They went on 1 date. This was after he was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer. She pushed herself into his family and started arguments with his sister and mother. They called her a gold digger, tried to bar her from the hospital when boyfriend was dying, and tried to take legal action against her. The entire "relationship" lasted 6 weeks. She faked crying at the hospital so the nurses would feel sorry for her. During her "mourning" she met a new guy and started dating him.*

Went for visit back home, and she was all happy and stuff. I had a few problems with some mail, and needed to open a post office box. On advice from mum (make peace, she said), I asked her if she'd be willing to check it every couple of months. She said she's be happy to. She never did. And because I sent a reminder email asking her to check the PO box- 8 months after she was supposed to - she unfriended me, refused to answer emails, hung up the phone on me when I called... and it was pretty much back to pretending that I don't exist. She also did this no communication to a lot of other family members.

Last year, mum had a dream that she was in an accident and wanted to call her to check she was ok. But, she didn't answer the phone. So, I emailed her that mum needed to talk to her - can she call? She never did.
Mum sent her emails to her private account - which were not answered. So, mum sent an email to her work account - and holy crapola ... the reply was a rant about how everyone talks behind her back, that she's the best person she knows, no one appreciates just how hard it is for her, no one gives her any money, that she has no family because she needs to break free from everyone who is holding her down, and "my boyfriend died from death". Seriously.
Mum decided to give her some space.

My dad died 6 months ago (her stepdad). I emailed her to let her know and gave the funeral details. I got no response.

Advice:

Today I got an email that she's been trying to call mum, and could I let mum know.
Mum think's she either got a problem with a new boyfriend or needs money.

Should I let her know that I received her email, and told mum?
Should I send her an email with detailed instructions on how to make a phone call?
Should I ignore her all together?

I'm sorry this is a long post (it could have been so much longer) but she frustrates me to no end. I think she has un diagnosed bipolar disorder or something. Part of me wants nothing to do with her. Another part of me wants to poke her with a stick just to see how mad she'll get. I need some advice.

mommazach

Don't respond. She sounds as though she is very self centered and is a very toxic person. As you continue to focus on health and fitness, you should review the emotional damage that this can cause. Many people think they have to get sucked into relationships because it's their family. Other people realize it's easier to stay away. Out of all of my family- 3 sisters and 5 brothers, I only talk to 5 of them. The others cause issues every time they are around. You don't have to buy into the guilt associated with it either. You can always talk to a therapist about it too. I don't seek out opportunities to continue to get hurt, or to hurt others. You can always tell your mum and let her make her own decision, but you don't have to encourage her about it.

zyxst

Me, I would ignore her and go on with life as though I have no sister.

Jruzer

I don't have any advice I'm afraid, but maybe you will get something from this:

https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists

pie_eyes

zyxst wrote: »

Me, I would ignore her and go on with life as though I have no sister.

That's what I do lol

Jayco141

I couldn't get through the novel left by the Op. So going on completely no idea of what was written, Go eat a pizza and drink a beer. It makes us all feel better.

Shana67

Seriously. Change your phone number/email address and change your moms. Then don't share it, ever, with your "sister". I put that in quotes because she is C R A Z Y. Ignore.

jennifer_417

It sounds like your sister really needs some professional help. I know it's difficult to know where to draw the line when it comes to family, but sometimes you just have to let go and let them make their own choices and suffer the consequences. I wouldn't give your sister any more help other than being a listening ear, and I would honestly tell her ( in a loving way) that she should consider therapy.

ScottyNoHotty

Can't pick your family, but you can choose to kick toxic people out of your life...sounds like she is a narcissist, maybe even needs some professional help....

synchkat

That was really long and I couldn't read it all. My family calls me a drama Queen. But not like I read seems your sister is just trying to sponge off you...just say no and ignore her.

Mr_Stabbems

Those seem to be deep issues that you're not going to be able to fix on your own/without her being willing, so the only real question is do you want to continue to put up with it. Act on your answer.

Make life simple, it becomes easy

glassyo

Cutaway_Collar wrote: »

Jayco141 wrote: »

I couldn't get through the novel left by the Op. So going on completely no idea of what was written, Go eat a pizza and drink a beer. It makes us all feel better.

It always gets me a little miffed when someone posts stuff like this. You don't have to read it. You can ignore and keep quiet. Yet you are desperate enough to want to make your opinion (a useless one) be known to the outside world. Why?

I read the first half and it sounds like a serious sibling problem and the person is hurting. To come around and opinionate here is just sheer lack of empathy.

LOL no kidding. Altho my personal, opposite favorite is someone who writes two sentences and then does a tl:dr version. Like are readers THAT lazy???

Also, I read the whole thing. I would have skipped it if she hadn't broken it into paragraphs. But I'm probably a bad person to give advice because I haven't talked to any of my family members in years and most people care more about that than I do.

beagletracks

Probably not a good idea to poke her with a stick. I would recommend no response or a very simple response to her email copying your mom, so all involved can see you're not blocking communication. She sounds like a nightmare and I have a younger sister with quite a few similarities. You just can't expect anything because you will always be disappointed. Any choice you make -- no matter how hard you try to accommodate her needs -- will be perceived by her as willfully hurtful. If you want to have a relationship with her, you should probably go to family counseling. Otherwise, stay away when you can and stay as neutral as possible. Take the high road; she's awful and makes everyone suffer because she's suffering. If it's important for your mom to have her in her life, you might have to deal with her sometimes... But don't poke the beehive! I know it's tempting to watch them spin out of control (especially when they push, and push, and push, hoping you'll push back), but it's never worth it!