Significant others that don't understand calorie counting
lauraesh0384
Posts: 463 Member
How do you handle a significant other that doesn't understand calorie counting? My boyfriend for the most part doesn't care about the foods I eat and he'll eat what I make for dinner, etc. But sometimes he wants to go out to dinner which is fine, but he'll spring it on me last minute when I've already had most of my calories for the day. I prefer to eat a big breakfast and lunch and a moderate amount of calories for dinner. I feel more satisfied throughout the day. I tried to explain to him that I plan my meals in advance and his response was, "well, that's not my problem". If he told me in advance that he wanted to go out to dinner then I could better plan for it. I tend to avoid eating out in general due to the high sodium content. I'm almost 10 lbs from my goal weight and he doesn't understand every calorie counts. He said he wants to spend time together, but spending time together doesn't have to equate to shoveling our mouths with food. His idea of lower calorie is much different than mine. He eats whatever he wants and generally doesn't care about his health.
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Replies
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"Salad, no dressing," works for me.6
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Your diet isn't his diet. He's not trying to lose, so the choice really is up to you. You DON'T have to eat what he eats. Bring your own, or eat later.
The reality is, as much as people would like to believe that their goals should be compromiseable to everyone, not everyone really cares. In fact more don't care than really care. So it's up to YOU to do what you need to if weight loss is your goal.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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I eat out one meal a week with my family... usually lunch. I plan what I will eat. I have looked up menus and nutritional information for the places we usually go. Most restaurants have salads or lower calorie options.
If you don't want to eat just get a drink and hang out.
Suggest other ways you want to spend time together.0 -
Make it up over the following week, no big.
try to remember that this is a marathon, not a Sprint. 2 -
Your diet isn't his diet. He's not trying to lose, so the choice really is up to you. You DON'T have to eat what he eats. Bring your own, or eat later.
The reality is, as much as people would like to believe that their goals should be compromiseable to everyone, not everyone really cares. In fact more don't care than really care. So it's up to YOU to do what you need to if weight loss is your goal.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
As I read the OPs post, one of the very reasonable things she is asking for is that things are planned in advance, allowing her to make her other decisions accordingly.
I don't think that this is much to ask for at all.
Exactly why is that an unreasonable request? If my wife asked this if me, I would do it without question!34 -
My SO does this to me sometimes. He knows I'm counting, he knows that I plan out my meals, and he'll still spring things on me last minute. I tried talking to him about it but it's like it goes in one ear and out the other. So now I'll just turn him down, or I'll go and just drink water or a diet soda. If he pouts that's his problem because I'll remind him I TOLD YOU what's going on and with me being so close to my goal, something unplanned will ruin my deficit for the week.7
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I eat out one meal a week with my family... usually lunch. I plan what I will eat. I have looked up menus and nutritional information for the places we usually go. Most restaurants have salads or lower calorie options.
If you don't want to eat just get a drink and hang out.
Suggest other ways you want to spend time together.
This. The guy I'm dating loves to suggest meeting up for ice cream or dinner at the last minute, sometimes even after I've already had dinner. When that happens, I'll go with him and grab a drink or, if I still have calories left, a small snack. I can't and don't expect him to change just because I'm trying to lose weight. I just make the best of it.6 -
Can you take 100 or so calories each day away from your daily calorie budget to use as weekly/rollover calories? That way, if your goal is 1500 calories, you can eat 1400 calories 6 days of the week and then eat 2100 calories the day your husband surprises you with a meal out (while still maintaining a 1500 calorie average).3
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Honestly it is up to you. It caused a big issue in my marriage actually because even when I had calories left the fact I was inputting them, weighing food, and even doing it annoyed my ex husband. If they don't get it and don't care they honestly don't want to hear about it. From my experience you won't be able to please them just going and not eating either.
I would just find the lowest calorie meal on the menu and then the next day cut back to balance it out. Sometimes this ment major fast the next day or so but it was what I had to do to hit my deficit for the week.3 -
lauraesh0384 wrote: »How do you handle a significant other that doesn't understand calorie counting? My boyfriend for the most part doesn't care about the foods I eat and he'll eat what I make for dinner, etc. But sometimes he wants to go out to dinner which is fine, but he'll spring it on me last minute when I've already had most of my calories for the day. I prefer to eat a big breakfast and lunch and a moderate amount of calories for dinner. I feel more satisfied throughout the day. I tried to explain to him that I plan my meals in advance and his response was, "well, that's not my problem". If he told me in advance that he wanted to go out to dinner then I could better plan for it. I tend to avoid eating out in general due to the high sodium content. I'm almost 10 lbs from my goal weight and he doesn't understand every calorie counts. He said he wants to spend time together, but spending time together doesn't have to equate to shoveling our mouths with food. His idea of lower calorie is much different than mine. He eats whatever he wants and generally doesn't care about his health.
I suggest next time he says he wants to go out to eat, you respond, "That's not my problem."
Then when he says he wants to spend time together, you say, "That's not my problem, either."
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The biggest issue here is definitely that he didn't ask me in advance. Had he said last night, "Hey, I want to go to dinner tomorrow night", I would had been able to plan accordingly. By the time I had breakfast and lunch I was already at 1400 calories. I usually eat around 2000-2100. Some of the chain restaurants we like, it's not hard to blow those calories out of the water. Not to mention he kept asking me what some low calorie options are and wouldn't hone in on a specific restaurant. Hopefully he'll take into consideration what I said about planning in advance. And I know for a fact that if I went and didn't order anything he would get upset just the same as if I said I didn't want to go. I have avoided eating out for the most part because I like knowing what's going into my food and how many calories I'm really consuming. When I cook at home, I am in total control of that.0
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lauraesh0384 wrote: »The biggest issue here is definitely that he didn't ask me in advance. Had he said last night, "Hey, I want to go to dinner tomorrow night", I would had been able to plan accordingly. By the time I had breakfast and lunch I was already at 1400 calories. I usually eat around 2000-2100. Some of the chain restaurants we like, it's not hard to blow those calories out of the water. Not to mention he kept asking me what some low calorie options are and wouldn't hone in on a specific restaurant. Hopefully he'll take into consideration what I said about planning in advance. And I know for a fact that if I went and didn't order anything he would get upset just the same as if I said I didn't want to go. I have avoided eating out for the most part because I like knowing what's going into my food and how many calories I'm really consuming. When I cook at home, I am in total control of that.
That's not your problem, either. You can't control his actions or his reactions. All you can control is you. If you want to be with him for dinner, go and order what you want or don't order anything. If that upsets him, that's his problem, not yours.
Does this guy respect you and your goals in any other aspect of your life?9 -
Ahead of time,hand him a list of 5 or 6 places that work for the both of you.
Ask him to let you know before you eat your lunch. Tell him you need to know by 10:00 am.3 -
Get the chicken.2
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lynn_glenmont wrote: »lauraesh0384 wrote: »How do you handle a significant other that doesn't understand calorie counting? My boyfriend for the most part doesn't care about the foods I eat and he'll eat what I make for dinner, etc. But sometimes he wants to go out to dinner which is fine, but he'll spring it on me last minute when I've already had most of my calories for the day. I prefer to eat a big breakfast and lunch and a moderate amount of calories for dinner. I feel more satisfied throughout the day. I tried to explain to him that I plan my meals in advance and his response was, "well, that's not my problem". If he told me in advance that he wanted to go out to dinner then I could better plan for it. I tend to avoid eating out in general due to the high sodium content. I'm almost 10 lbs from my goal weight and he doesn't understand every calorie counts. He said he wants to spend time together, but spending time together doesn't have to equate to shoveling our mouths with food. His idea of lower calorie is much different than mine. He eats whatever he wants and generally doesn't care about his health.
I suggest next time he says he wants to go out to eat, you respond, "That's not my problem."
Then when he says he wants to spend time together, you say, "That's not my problem, either."
When I told him that he should had something in advance, his response was," well I didn't want to go out to eat then, but I do now because I'm really hungry". My response? "That's not my problem"
He kept saying that I need to compromise. I told him that I don't have to compromise because this journey is about me, not him. If you want to be with me, then you need to respect my decision when I say I don't want to go out to eat. He just kept pushing and pushing until a silly matter turned into an argument.
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A compromise is that he is ok with you ordering salad with no dressing.
He can't expect you to be both 1) available at any time AND 2) eat.4 -
Stay strong!!! When I gave in and a few meals out became more and more I gained 50lbs. I eventually stopped going to gym too because he didn't want to workout as much and it ended up effected my decision of going.
I finally woke up and changed my eating habits and started working out. After a few months he climbed on board as well. I've lost almost 70lbs and he has lost almost 50lbs.
There has been many compromises thoughout this journey but we make it work. HE STILL DOESNT GET THAT I NEED TO PAY ATTENTION TO MY CALORIES. His calories for maintenance is 2800 vs mine at 1900... Big difference!!
If he loves you and wants you to be happy and healthy he needs to support you in your journey.1 -
My "rule" is that I never eat for anyone else... I eat when I'm hungry, when I need to fuel a workout, or when I've planned for something. I don't eat to be polite, or because someone cooked and there's food. There are other ways to hang out and he can go eat with his friends if you can't go. SOs should be supportive.14
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She mentioned "springing on it last minute". That's hardly time to plan in advance. And even if it there was notice, the OP has the option to pick anything that fits into her calorie count based on the menu. Basically every restaurant has a low calorie option.Your diet isn't his diet. He's not trying to lose, so the choice really is up to you. You DON'T have to eat what he eats. Bring your own, or eat later.
The reality is, as much as people would like to believe that their goals should be compromiseable to everyone, not everyone really cares. In fact more don't care than really care. So it's up to YOU to do what you need to if weight loss is your goal.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
As I read the OPs post, one of the very reasonable things she is asking for is that things are planned in advance, allowing her to make her other decisions accordingly.
I don't think that this is much to ask for at all.
Exactly why is that an unreasonable request? If my wife asked this if me, I would do it without question!
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition 2 -
I guess it all comes down to telling him yes if you feel like it, or no if you don't feel like it.
Cook him dinner or suggest he cooks for you. Or cook together!
Walk to the restaurant (if feasible.)
Plan your week to have less calories per day (if you can, like 100-150 less per day) so you can have a day or two at 2500.
Go to the restaurant and eat half of your meal, or eat something small.
It's unlikely that he will stop asking, I'm sure he really loves being with you and may have good memories associated with being with you at restaurants. Not sure how long you've been together, but maybe you guys just need to create new memories based around other activities.
I've been married for 11 years, and dated him for 6 years before that. My husband is very spontaneous (which is mostly great) but does not understand my desire to plan things out, especially about food. Now that he's working an early shift, hes home before me and picks up the kids. He's pretty much in charge of dinner weeknights so I never know what he's making or bringing home or if he wants to go out. I used to ask, but now I just let him do his thing and have realized that I prefer to have my big meal with the family. So, I've changed to eating a light breakfast and lunch (usually less than 600cals total) and then I can eat pretty much whatever he comes up with. If it's going out, I just watch what I eat, usually eating half and taking half home.
I don't know if that is helpful, but I've just learned to adapt. I like going out too!0 -
Or they could just break up. That would solve both issues.lynn_glenmont wrote: »lauraesh0384 wrote: »How do you handle a significant other that doesn't understand calorie counting? My boyfriend for the most part doesn't care about the foods I eat and he'll eat what I make for dinner, etc. But sometimes he wants to go out to dinner which is fine, but he'll spring it on me last minute when I've already had most of my calories for the day. I prefer to eat a big breakfast and lunch and a moderate amount of calories for dinner. I feel more satisfied throughout the day. I tried to explain to him that I plan my meals in advance and his response was, "well, that's not my problem". If he told me in advance that he wanted to go out to dinner then I could better plan for it. I tend to avoid eating out in general due to the high sodium content. I'm almost 10 lbs from my goal weight and he doesn't understand every calorie counts. He said he wants to spend time together, but spending time together doesn't have to equate to shoveling our mouths with food. His idea of lower calorie is much different than mine. He eats whatever he wants and generally doesn't care about his health.
I suggest next time he says he wants to go out to eat, you respond, "That's not my problem."
Then when he says he wants to spend time together, you say, "That's not my problem, either."
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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I truly doubt that finding 600 calories for a meal is really that hard in any restaurant.lauraesh0384 wrote: »The biggest issue here is definitely that he didn't ask me in advance. Had he said last night, "Hey, I want to go to dinner tomorrow night", I would had been able to plan accordingly. By the time I had breakfast and lunch I was already at 1400 calories. I usually eat around 2000-2100. Some of the chain restaurants we like, it's not hard to blow those calories out of the water. Not to mention he kept asking me what some low calorie options are and wouldn't hone in on a specific restaurant. Hopefully he'll take into consideration what I said about planning in advance. And I know for a fact that if I went and didn't order anything he would get upset just the same as if I said I didn't want to go. I have avoided eating out for the most part because I like knowing what's going into my food and how many calories I'm really consuming. When I cook at home, I am in total control of that.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition 3 -
OP you've been given a lot of great advice. I sit in the "he should tell you by X time" camp. It's just plain rude to expect someone to drop everything and go out at a moment's notice, especially when they have requested a little advance notice. It's not like you're telling him you'll never eat out with him again. It's literally asking for a little consideration from someone you are in a relationship with. It's manners.
That said, lots of chain restaurants have their menus and calorie contents online. Could you pick a low calorie option for each place? Lots of places also offer the lunch sized portions of the entrees which are smaller and less calories.1 -
I read once on a thread that he would input his dinner into the next day- so he knew what breakfast and lunch had to be. In his case his wife cooked and he wasn't ever sure what he would be having.
Basically just moving the logging period a few hours so the "day" fit his eating better.
Or you can tell your boyfriend to shove it. Whichever is easier.5 -
Man the boyfriend stories on MFP are awful. I'd say dumb him, but I got flagged for abuse the last time I suggested that. I hope this dude has respect for you in other ways, but I honestly doubt it because what could be more important than your health?10
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My husband and I have different methods of dieting. He has a lot of self control and is able to be on a 'clean' diet for long periods of times. He understands that I need to count in order to stay on track. He didn't get it at first, but after a year of going off and on counting calories he has noticed that this is what works for me and my body. I think, for now, try to enjoy your time together and just order calorie friendly items. If he has a problem with that then there may be a more deeper issue that you both need to discuss.1
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alondrakayy wrote: »My husband and I have different methods of dieting. He has a lot of self control and is able to be on a 'clean' diet for long periods of times. He understands that I need to count in order to stay on track. He didn't get it at first, but after a year of going off and on counting calories he has noticed that this is what works for me and my body. I think, for now, try to enjoy your time together and just order calorie friendly items. If he has a problem with that then there may be a more deeper issue that you both need to discuss.
Maybe this guy likes bigger women. Maybe he is all about that bass.
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I cook ALL the time. I'm so grateful when my partner asks if I want to go out that it doesn't matter if I have fifteen calories left in the day, I say yes. Then I throw in an extra 20 minutes cardio for a couple days, or I plan an extra swim-session. To me, the important thing is to enjoy that time with my partner and not make myself insane because I don't have enough calories left to really have something fabulous when we're out.
So, yeah, my solution would be don't stress yourself over this,. It's not like you're going out every night, right? If you don't have many calories left and you aren't hungry, order a nice salad, or maybe the soup of the day. If you go over, and eat something tasty while enjoying quality time with your partner, just plan to throw in some extra exercise to compensate and let it go. 2 -
alondrakayy wrote: »My husband and I have different methods of dieting. He has a lot of self control and is able to be on a 'clean' diet for long periods of times. He understands that I need to count in order to stay on track. He didn't get it at first, but after a year of going off and on counting calories he has noticed that this is what works for me and my body. I think, for now, try to enjoy your time together and just order calorie friendly items. If he has a problem with that then there may be a more deeper issue that you both need to discuss.
Maybe this guy likes bigger women. Maybe he is all about that bass.
He does. He said that he liked how I looked at 185-190 lbs. But on a 5'6" frame that's just not healthy. And I felt so disgusting at that weight. I'm 162 now and I feel pretty good. I'll feel a lot better once I get to my goal weight. Which is 145-150. I think he misses the person that would be down to going to all you can eat buffets and didn't care about how much food I would eat. I told him that's not going to be my lifestyle anymore. He could stand to lose a little bit of weight himself, but would never do that.7 -
your goal weight is appropriate. I'm the same height and am 15lbs from my goal of 154.
I sometimes just order a bowl of soup at a restaurant. He can have the big dinner-you sip on soup.
I'm out lots with my 2 young adult sons who both need a lot of calories. Soup for me if it is my small meal.
But yes consider if he is sabotaging you. Does he support you in other ways?0
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