Sick of being victim, constantly falling, want to be a survivor now!!!

iamgunz

Hi,

Not sure if I am able to put my frustrations, my broken dreams and my failures in words, but I want to be able to reduce weight badly. I have reduced around 14 kgs in an years time but still fighting with last 6 kgs. I have read a lot that eating habits are related to mental well being. Well, its my story, I suffer big time from PTSD, I had a very normal and happy childhood and once I crossed 18 years, my life went through a series of bad moments, I failed an year in college, saw my father dying in a car accident (tried taking him to the hospital but ...), then all the family responsibilities , unwillingly and unknowingly I became the man of the family. Became punching pad for my Mom(I love her and she has seen an extremely tough life but well the fact that all my siblings were away and I was the only one left with her , maybe I bore the maximum brunt of her agony and her pain) Married my love, and had a narcisstic mother in law , a father in law who tried to kill my 4 month old daughter in front of my eyes by hanging her out from 5th floor balcony and saying (let mother's heart bleed" (according to him it was a joke!!!) my hubby never supported me , I fought the entire world to be with him and he didn't have the guts to stand up for our own daughter!!! had a great going carrier, sacrificed that for marrying this selfish man. After telling him that I want divorce, he suddenly switched off all his contacts from his family and is trying to be nice , but you know what now I am damaged.

Which unfortunately I feel is a permanent damage . I am trying to live for my daughter, but I feel I am sooo depressed that at times even moving out of bed is a big thing. I have a full time job and maybe that's why I am still fighting, it gives me a confidence that I am self dependent. I was an emotional person but now I am just checking my emotions constantly. I have become paranoid of trusting people. Saw a psychologist, which helped me understand and feel better. but I still get flash backs.i have never been a weak person, I was always a happy and "I will create my path" kind of soul but somehow with being the target for being a "people pleasing person", lost my own self confidence.

and when flashbacks happen , I tend to eat a loooottt, especially sweets, which becomes a hindrance for my weight loss. I am , would like to say, physically active, but somehow nothing seems to change the weighing scale.

Not sure what I am looking for, but maybe some nice words will help.

kellymcginlay

I think you sound like a very brave woman you should be proud of yourself all the stuff you've been through and I no it's like to face life challenges sending you love and hugs x

iamgunz

Thanks for the kind words...means a lot for me @Kellymcginlay

distinctlybeautiful

I think it's so impressive that you're holding down a job!

Have y'all considered couples counseling?

mbaker566

do more than survive. thrive!

i find exercise helps me with my ptsd-like symptoms. flashbacks i hope will diminish over time with the help of therapy. talking about it helps. walking thru a situation helps-i have a tendency to flinch if someone's hand comes to close to me. i "walk" thru it and quickly try to acknowledge the situation for what it is. which is usually not dangerous and ok. meditation has helped-taking a mind scan and recognizing my emotions, explore around them, and then blow them away like a bubble if they aren't serving me. prayer has helped too for me

and it's not permanent damage. it's just part of the story. a small part.

iamgunz

Hi ,

Thanks @distinctlybeautiful for your kind words. And yes we have tried couple therapy once and it went horribly wrong. I have been keen on trying it again but my therapist asked my hubby to meet a psychologist as she says his issues are way bigger and she is not able to connect with him. working on it, lets see how it goes.

@moyer566... thankyou for giving me some deep insight, I try to meditate but no I am not quite there I feel. Thanks for giving me a workaround , I want to be like that , in control, and yes I so desperately want to Thrive!!!

I so much hope it is not a permanent damage!! Going to work on myself again now!!

mbaker566

i hope your husband gets the help he needs as well

meditation takes time. you could try worry beads or a touch stone. it gives you something physical to "bring you back" when things start whirling