Why do people feel the need...

yasef13

Hey all,
I have recently reached the 50lbs mark with still about the same to lose.
I've been hearing things from my husband, my mother and some other people that really get to me. They keep insulting my 'former self' to pay a compliment to my 'new self'!!
Does this happen to anyone else? And does it bother anyone else?
My mother just said to me after seeing a pic I posted online, "you look so nice, your face is long again instead of that awful round face you had" !!! Whaaaaah??
My husband keeps saying things like "wow, I was married to a whale before" ! Oookay?!
Am I being too sensitive? I'm still the same person! You can't insult me and expect me to take it as a compliment, just because I look different. I mean I don't even see that big of a difference.
Rant over! But I still would like to hear some insights.

Alatariel75

I make them uncomfortable by pointing out they're being insulting. "Wow, yeah honey - i can't believe you even considered climbing on me before" then give him a filthy look and walk away.

mkh858

Have you been overweight for a long time? 50lbs is a huge weight loss. I always say the only person who can insult me about my weight is my mom, she wants only best for a child she carried inside her for how many months she did. Now if my man said the whale thing he'd be in the dog house for a looonng time.lol

People have seen me up in down in my weight so I can't really relate to you, but 50lbs is awesome! I bet you feel better too?

Adc7225

That happened to me, before losing weight no one ever dared to call me fat but for some reason once you start losing weight people seem to think you are a new person and not still that same person just at a different weight. I never thought of myself as fat, yes I was overweight but that is still what I was and part of who I was - post name calling still hurts! My best advice is to talk to those close to you and let them know how much it hurts and then keep doing what you are doing because it passes.

allaboutthecake

I think if my husband said that to me, I would tell him he just bought me two more new outfits...lol....or three...
Then I'd tell him, "lay off the chips, smartypants."

FitFunLosAngeles

Make no mistake yasef13, the way I see it these are insults masquerading as compliments. I believe a LOT of people who lose a lot of weight get those.
Would be so much nicer if they said something like, "You are even more beautiful now than then!" or "Your face was always lovely but all the more so now that you are slimmer."
Some of these twisted compliments may be spurred from jealousy or a desire to control/put you in your place or from people who are not so sure about how the "new you" is going to change things in your relationship.
The most important thing is that YOU know you were fabulous both then and now, are duly proud of what you have accomplished and don't let anyone's sideways comments diminish your amazing accomplishment, and try to focus on the positive side of the comments - since there is a positive side of them!

samwiserabbit

Yowch. No, I haven't had exactly that experience, and if I did, yeah, I'd feel hurt. I hereby deem it appropriate for you to let your DH, mom, etc. know that your past self is still part of you and you'd rather they not insult "her" in front of you.

hzl22

No not too sensitive at all those are mean spirited comments and you should put them in their place before they get even more rude

Fursian

Alatariel75 wrote: »

I make them uncomfortable by pointing out they're being insulting. "Wow, yeah honey - i can't believe you even considered climbing on me before" then give him a filthy look and walk away.

Love this!

--Yep, either way you look at it, these comments are insults. The only "sensitive" thing about this is that you picked up on it.

Other than shipping these folks off to be eaten by bears... time has a nice way of fudging our memories, helping us all to eventually move on from... wanting to ship them off.

yasef13

Thank you, all, for responding.
I had been chubby my whole life. But it wasn't until my first pregnancy that I gained so much, coupled with postpartum depression, that went undiagnosed till I had my second child 2 years later. I gained so much, I was horrified, so wise as I was, I crashdieted and used diet pills. That was how I lost the weight the first time around, about 12 years ago.
I got some of the rudest, meanest comments ever! One of my husband's female 'good' friends told me "I'm glad you lost weight, I was really feeling sorry for your husband before"!!!
Another person went out of her way to tell me that she was happy I lost the weight, because she didn't understand how I had let myself go so bad!
Even my husband's best friend mentioned something about me looking like a sumo wrestler!
I took ALL these comments lying down and never responding, just had a stupid grin on my face.
Needless to say I gained most of the weight back.
But this time I'm doing things the right way and taking it slow, my goal is to become healthy and strong. Well, if I become hot and good looking in the process, I guess I'll learn to live with it.
My husband is sometimes an *kitten*, who's the only one to find his jokes funny, so I finally let him know , in no uncertain terms, that it was unacceptable to make these comments.
My mother, however, is a different story. Our relationship has always been strained, and I learned to just let things go with her because, I don't want to confront her and hurt her, plus it's just easier.
But, honestly, I dare anyone else to say something like this to me! let's just say it would not be in their best interest! I'm not the same person I was in many different ways.

snowflake954

Congratulations on your weight loss. In reading your post something struck me. There seems to be quite a few people past and present that dare to say things like that to you. I would ask why. They must think they can get away with it. I'd tell your husband, after the whale comment, "Yes, and when I get hot maybe I'll look around for a nicer guy". Maybe you need counseling to be more confident and project that. I wish you the best--but it's time to get these people in line, so you'll be happy for the rest of your life.

Jams009

That's pretty insulting actually... they are being very insensitive. I'd try not to blow up about it, but let them know that it's not OK to say things like that and that it upsets you.

gothchiq

Whoa. Some of these people need a smackdown.

RoxieDawn

Either all of these people have a really dark sense of humor or seem a little cruel in nature. As for the your mother, I have one like that, and just remember mothers always say what's on their mind. LOL

I would have a really nice talking to as for my husband. My husband would never say anything like that to begin with knowing that weight is a sensitive topic or I am just a sensitive person to begin with.

I would not even begin to take insults implied as compliments that would end very quickly.

jessiethe3rd

People just act differently around me.

They pay more attention. If you were getting stepped on emotionally by people when you were heavier you probably will be when you are lighter.

Demand respect by informing people you worked hard. It was not given to you. Also, people who insult you are obviously insecure with your change. They put you down to try and keep you in the "fat box, low self-esteem" they had you in before.

Nothing like just telling people straight up, logically, that you do not enjoy being spoken to that way. It is disrespectful and hurtful. Dont mince words about it.. Be direct. Be short.

Congradulations... Keep working!

delgrand

If similar comments were coming to me from a stranger or someone I don't know well, then I would consider them insults. However, if they were coming from my mother or my girlfriend, I would laugh with them and would make me more motivated. Don't see it as a big deal !

Colt1835

My wife and I have lost weight at about the same time. We regularly look at old photos just to talk crap about how fat we were. We never get offended about it. I look at it as a way to say good riddance to someone who had no self respect.

We still have a long way to got so, I'm sure the photos we put on Instagram today will be just as heart warming to poke fun at.

teagin2002

Communication is they key

They love you and are saying it in hopes you will work harder not to return to it.

They are probably thinking they are helping you luv.

Just let them know how it makes you feel when you can be kind and talk with a level head.

I would suggest having dark chocolate and green tea that day to help calm your nurves, that worked for me lol

Good luck beautiful

mallomary

yasef13 wrote: »

Thank you, all, for responding.
I had been chubby my whole life. But it wasn't until my first pregnancy that I gained so much, coupled with postpartum depression, that went undiagnosed till I had my second child 2 years later. I gained so much, I was horrified, so wise as I was, I crashdieted and used diet pills. That was how I lost the weight the first time around, about 12 years ago.
I got some of the rudest, meanest comments ever! One of my husband's female 'good' friends told me "I'm glad you lost weight, I was really feeling sorry for your husband before"!!!
Another person went out of her way to tell me that she was happy I lost the weight, because she didn't understand how I had let myself go so bad!
Even my husband's best friend mentioned something about me looking like a sumo wrestler!
I took ALL these comments lying down and never responding, just had a stupid grin on my face.
Needless to say I gained most of the weight back.
But this time I'm doing things the right way and taking it slow, my goal is to become healthy and strong. Well, if I become hot and good looking in the process, I guess I'll learn to live with it.
My husband is sometimes an *kitten*, who's the only one to find his jokes funny, so I finally let him know , in no uncertain terms, that it was unacceptable to make these comments.
My mother, however, is a different story. Our relationship has always been strained, and I learned to just let things go with her because, I don't want to confront her and hurt her, plus it's just easier.
But, honestly, I dare anyone else to say something like this to me! let's just say it would not be in their best interest! I'm not the same person I was in many different ways.

It sounds like maybe you didn't have PPD, as much as you had surrounded-by-*kitten*-itis.

annaweezer229

Been on the receiving end myself...saying "Wow! That wasn't nice!", and letting them sort out why, goes a long way when dealing with passive aggressive "complements". It also let's them know you don't appreciate it, without stooping to their level. You are worthy of being treated nicely and only you can decide how others are ALLOWED to treat you. HUGS!

amusedmonkey

Yeah, I don't get it either. Not like I was replaced by aliens with a new model, I'm still me. It doesn't bother me though. In people's eyes there is a disconnect between the you now and the you before so they don't feel they are actually addressing you with an insult. They also like hyperboles to paint a vivid comparison between "before" and "after" as an attempt to tell you how much your hard work paid off. Like most comments that look insulting on the surface in most cases it's not actually malicious. Just a classic case of food-in-mouth.

I personally take most compliments as compliments even if I don't understand the reasoning behind formulating them a certain way sometimes. Most people are not out to get me, jealous of me or even think about me enough for any of it to matter. I see no point in making myself feel bad over something that was most probably not intended.

yasef13

I honestly whole heartedly agree with all of you. I know they're compliments and take them as such, but sometimes it just stings a little that poke in the end. But after some time has passed, I forget about it and just keep the compliment. That is only for my loved ones, as for the other people, it's needless to say they are no longer in my life!! I've consciously chosen some time ago to surround myself only with positive people, who I can be happy and comfortable around.

jennifer_417

They probably don't realize what they're saying...if possible, gently point out that there might be a better way to pay you a compliment. If not, let it go as much as you can.

Cheesy567

yasef13 wrote: »

My husband is sometimes an *kitten*,

Yup. So are his friends.

Seek out your friends who are supportive, and pour your energy into those relationships.

Let distance grow between you and the a$$es. Some of the best weight you'll lose!

Cutemesoon

yasef13 wrote: »

One of my husband's female 'good' friends told me "I'm glad you lost weight, I was really feeling sorry for your husband before"!!!


When I read this I knew I just HAD to comment!!! HOW DARE SHE SAY THAT TO YOU!!!! >:( That evil heifer. If she says anything backhanded to you again, let me know & I will come put her in her place for you. The NERVE!

Another person went out of her way to tell me that she was happy I lost the weight, because she didn't understand how I had let myself go so bad!

I would've responded by saying that I didn't understand how the half of a brain she has could even think about saying something like that to me! What a *kitten* she is!

Even my husband's best friend mentioned something about me looking like a sumo wrestler!
You must be one of the sweetest people in the world. I would've made sure that person would NEVER be allowed near me again! After what I'd say & do to him he wouldn't want to be anywhere near me anyway.

I took ALL these comments lying down and never responding, just had a stupid grin on my face.
Needless to say I gained most of the weight back.
I'm not surprised. All those jacka$$'s you're surrounded by. It doesn't seem like you have much support.

My husband is sometimes an *kitten* I agree!!!

Verdenal

I'm not condoning it, but now that you've lost weight they probably feel more relaxed about discussing their feelings about your weight and they think you see things the same way they do. They may also be consciously or unconsciously trying to encourage you to maintain your weight.

You should talk to to them.

Verdenal

Colt1835 wrote: »

My wife and I have lost weight at about the same time. We regularly look at old photos just to talk crap about how fat we were. We never get offended about it. I look at it as a way to say good riddance to someone who had no self respect.

We still have a long way to got so, I'm sure the photos we put on Instagram today will be just as heart warming to poke fun at.

Obviously, it's different if you're making fun of yourselves. (Although it's healthy that you feel comfortable doing that.) The OP is talking about people who haven't had the same experience directing remarks at her.

Colt1835

Verdenal wrote: »

Colt1835 wrote: »

My wife and I have lost weight at about the same time. We regularly look at old photos just to talk crap about how fat we were. We never get offended about it. I look at it as a way to say good riddance to someone who had no self respect.

We still have a long way to got so, I'm sure the photos we put on Instagram today will be just as heart warming to poke fun at.

Obviously, it's different if you're making fun of yourselves. (Although it's healthy that you feel comfortable doing that.) The OP is talking about people who haven't had the same experience directing remarks at her.

What's your point, captain obvious? OP asked why people feel the need... I explained why I feel the need to talk about my old self in that way.

Chef_Barbell

Yeah... no. No one around me is crazy enough to say anything close to that to my face.

Mom2ATM

I'm getting "wow you look great" (you know, as opposed to looking like what before? nasty? ) and i havent even lost a pound yet!!!!! I do think everyone gets the insults that are supposed to be "compliments" I guess it's something we need to deal with as they come in our own ways though.

amusedmonkey

Wow.. I had no idea people were that sensitive.. Makes me think twice before complimenting anyone.. I mean are we actually supposed to come up with a convoluted long winded forced compliment not to offend anyone like "you have always looked great, but now you have this extra glow about you, not that you weren't glowing before, it just that your hard work is paying off and no doubt you are proud of what you have achieved, not assuming or anything, it's just.. bah forget it.. you look great"