[deleted]

bella_lizzy

[deleted] Thanks to everyone who read and/or responded to my long essay and I am going to take your suggestions on board. I feel too exposed and nervous to keep the post up.

teagin2002

Honey you need to seek counseling plz

There is a mental battle in you that must be won, or you may continue to struggle like this

NoraHuston

Bella_Lizzy
I am by no means an expert just someone who understands part of your struggle (the bingeing, self sabotage and at times self loathing parts).
Just letting you know there is Absolutely No Judgment Here just compassion and prayers that you will find what you need.

malibu927

Find a new doctor, as well as a professional who is willing to help you with your disordered eating patterns. They should not be judgmental, as this is your health you are putting at risk with going back and forth between these two extremes.

willburpeeforcookie

The mind and body are one in the same, it is impossible to have long term success if the two are not healthy and working in sync. I had to learn this the hard way. If you are apposed to therapy, you need to find another resource for help, support groups, books, etc.

Lounmoun

See different doctors. You probably need to see someone who specializes in eating disorders. Even if you had surgery for weight loss you still need to deal with the binge eating or you will gain it back. Surgery isn't magic.
You need professional help developing tools to deal with emotions, self esteem and stress that don't involve using/abusing food, alcohol or laxatives.
http://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/treatment-for-eating-disorders/therapists-specialists
http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/information-referral-helpline
You are you no matter what your weight is. You may be treated differently by some people and that is garbage. Your value as a human being is not a number on the scale or your outward appearance. There are other people here who have been your weight or more and lost it in a healthy way. There are others who have binged in the past or are still struggling with it. You judge yourself much more harshly than anyone else does.
Slow weight loss is healthy btw. You don't really want to aim for losing more than 2 lbs a week. Sustainable weight loss takes time. You don't need to be miserable or punish yourself doing it. Just eat the right number of calories to have a deficit. Keep that in mind.

truando

I feel with you.

You are desperate. Please make the right choice and look for someone who cares about you and helps you on this long and difficult journey. You can't do it by yourself. You need a professional who understands your problems and with whom you can connect, whom you can trust. This may take a while. Don't settle with the first choice, go look until you find the right one. The right person will not judge you. She or he will feel with you, understand you.

This has nothing to do with willpower, it's not about being a loser, or being in control, or being big or slim. This is deeper. You need to go and find out with someone you trust.

You will find out, it just takes time and the right counselling. And maybe you have to stop focussing on the weight, this is just a symptom.

Good luck!