My 14 yr old daughter is over-weight and I need advice
julslenae
Posts: 38 Member
My 14 yr old daughter is 5'3" and 180 lbs. She is very self conscious about her size. She has struggled with this most of her life but has gotten more over-weight than usual over the last year. I've tried everything I can think of to help her. We have discussed good nutrition. I keep very little junk food in the house. I've even gotten rid of sugary cereals. She isn't active in sports but we try to go for evening walks when our schedules permit and she takes a zumba class once or twice a week. I really don't want her counting calories because I'm worried at her age that she could easily get obsessed with it. Any positive suggestions would be very appreciated.
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Replies
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Make an appointment with her doctor as the first thing, then they can refer as needed. You are wise to try to get this under control now as a matter of urgency but she could well need professional help and you could probably use some professional advice on how best to help her too. You are a good Mom for taking this extremely seriously and I can't urge you enough to get expert help for her before it gets worse.
There is nothing wrong with counting calories also for your daughter and it could be this will have to become a way of life for her if she is to lose and keep the weight off, please don't discount such proven methods as they might be a great tool for your daughter to use to help manage her weight.
Your daughter is obviously eating way too many calories for her energy needs and it's possible she's eating outside the home or even inside it, getting food from stores, friends or other family members? Is anyone else in the family overweight? Its easy to find a way to eat too much and be secretive, do you think she's being totally honest with you and also if you aren't counting the calories of what she is having, then you have no idea whether the amount consumed is appropriate for her needs, other than seeing how overweight she is as a result of what she's doing....
First port of call is your daughter's doctor for blood workups and a complete physical, then they can refer her to another professional as they deem appropriate. You can be a huge help to her if calorie counting is recommended and as her main cheerleader, it might not be easy but she'll thank you in the end.22 -
We won't really offer dieting advice for a minor on here. I would suggest taking her to her physician for a general checkup, and maybe he can offer some advice.
In the meantime, it sounds like you are setting a great example with exercise and healthier eating.
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Dr. Appointment and allergy testing. My nieces have found same major allergy issues causing them to gain weight. After finding out what their allergies were, they worked with a nutritionist who helped them work through specifics. Wish we would've started earlier. Main one for both of them was wheat. Changes from diet have helped them both lose around 100lbs each. Well worth the $ and time.8
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Thanks Fabian & Holly. I need to schedule her a doctor's appointment for a couple other things so I'll be sure to add that to the list. 6
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Maybe get a nutrition plan from a dietitian? Does she buy her own food or eat stuff from school or friends? You could also get some tests done she might have an underlying condition.0
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Since I assume you are making food (?) you could easily control her portion sizes and count calories for her without her necessarily knowing. Of course you would tell her you are introducing new healthier eating habits so she would not think of it as 'diet'. Getting more active is a good thing and also not getting too restrictive with food since at that age she is still growing.1
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It sounds like you are doing the right things.....Sometimes it just has to click. My daughter is 15 and has a large frame (thanks to Dad). She always said she was interested in losing weight, but never actually stuck to any kind of routine until recently.
I felt like I didn't want to push the message too hard, because I certainly didn't want her to develop body image issues that would turn into an eating disorder....3 -
My 14 yr old daughter is 5'3" and 180 lbs. She is very self conscious about her size. She has struggled with this most of her life but has gotten more over-weight than usual over the last year. I've tried everything I can think of to help her. We have discussed good nutrition. I keep very little junk food in the house. I've even gotten rid of sugary cereals. She isn't active in sports but we try to go for evening walks when our schedules permit and she takes a zumba class once or twice a week. I really don't want her counting calories because I'm worried at her age that she could easily get obsessed with it. Any positive suggestions would be very appreciated.
I know you don't want her counting calories because you are worried she will get "obsessed" about it, but understanding calories is essential to weight loss. She is probably already learning about calories in school.
It seems to me, your daughter is highly unlikely to become anorexic, so getting a little "obsessed" about the calorie content in food is a good thing.
Her obesity is not only her fault, the responsibility is with the entire family. Think about what you are doing as a family that is leading to obesity. Think of everything you did wrong that lead up to this point. That has to be fixed first, that is, parents are responsible to make sure their 14 year old children do not become obese. Where were you when she was packing on the weight? Why not intervene when she was 10 pounds overweight? Why not intervene when she was 15, 20, or 30 pounds overweight? What was going on with your family? Those are the real problems that have to be addressed. This is not just her problem, but it is a family problem.
I think your daughter will need a lot of support, and also she will need a family willing to make changes too.6 -
As a former fat kid I can only speak to my own situation and the things I wish I knew then. I hated sports, I was horrible at them, PE class was a nightmare for me. I did, however, love snowboarding. So I assumed I was destined to be a sedentary person most of the year. I later found that it wasn't that I hated being active, I hated team sports or anything that I could let a team down by playing poorly. I found yoga and weightlifting and started to love both of them. Perhaps you could go try a range of different activities with your daughter to find the physical activity or activities that she may love. Calories are king for weight loss but exercise is great for health and it helps increase maintenance calories which will make leaning out a lot easier for your daughter.30
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Try to engage her in organized sports... whether it's a team sport or an individual pursuit, doesn't really matter... kids heck... adults... will do better if there's a reason to the madness... swimming lessons, court sports. Give a kid a reason to move and they will move.0
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TrainerNaomiGutierrez wrote: »
It seems to me, your daughter is highly unlikely to become anorexic, so getting a little "obsessed" about the calorie content in food is a good thing.
This is definitely not necessarily true. No telling who will get an eating disorder. I was 210 at 5-5/5'6" when I was 14 and a light switch went off in my brain one night and I stopped eating and lost 50 pounds in 4 months. I struggled on and off until college with anorexia and bulimia. If someone uses food to soothe there's a possibility they'll use restriction to soothe as well. And it's not uncommon for recovering anorexics to become over eaters because they're still using food to fix a problem. Or they never learn good eating. I gained all the weight back in my 20s because I never learned how to eat healthfully and control my portions to maintain my weight. I only knew how to restrict.
I don't know what the right way is to help a kid become healthy. I think I became overweight because of the immense pressure my much older sisters put on me to be thin. Pre-puberty I had about 10-15 extra pounds which I think is honestly normal sometimes until height catches up. But they were so awful about my weight they killed my self esteem and made me think I was obese. I was doing Atkins and WW at 12 and 13 even though I was barely overweight and still going through puberty.
I think a Drs visit is the best option. Make it about health and not vanity. The younger she is getting to a normal weight, the easier it will be keeping it off in adult hood. especially if she learns nutrition and portion control and being active for fun.26 -
Yeah, please don't ask the laymen this question--this requires professional guidance. Good luck!3
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She can check sparksteen also.6
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Thank you everyone for your comments and advice. I really appreciate it. You offered new things that I hadn't considered.0
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Thats great you are supporting her with her struggles. I was obese throughout my childhood. I really wish I had someone by my side supporting me and helping me lose the weight, so I am happy to see that she has someone that cares. Could she perhaps be eating extra food when you aren't around? Does she eat school cafeteria lunches or packed lunch? Maybe she can find another activity she can be enthusiastic about (for me it was horseback riding and swimming). I agree that calorie counting should not be introduced at such a young age, but perhaps, if you haven't already, you can explain to her the types of foods that are more calorie dense, the types of foods that aren't (and also filling, ex veggies) and why that is. And also how food provides us with energy, and certain foods give too much energy, and the un-used energy (from movement - not necessarily exercise) turns into fat. Use the term 'energy' and not calories.3
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Former chubby kid over here...Really the thing that got me into losing weight and getting in shape was aerobic classes at the local womens' gym. I started going with a friend when I was 15, and got a gym membership soon after. I was terrible at all sports but the gym was like an amusement park for me. It's pretty easy to find Zumba classes where I live so maybe you guys could try it out together or she could go with a friend. Once I started exercising, it made eating healthier much easier.2
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A registered dietitian is probably a safer bet than a nutritionist afaik. I believe that almost anyone can become a nutritionist, whereas dietitians need to actually be educated. Not to say that all nutritionists are wrong, of course, but I think a registered dietitian is more likely to know what they're talking about.4
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I can speak from my own experience. At 14 I gained a lot of weight. I had been self conscious about my weight since age 12 but my mom told me my body was fine and that she would tell me if I did need to start losing weight, so I can stop being so self conscious. At 14 In hindsight I think I had a random drop in thyroid function that caused me to be very tired all the time and gain weight. My mom took me to the doctor for HER to tell me I was overweight and gained 20lbs. I was mortified she had to bring in a third party to tell me this. Doctors have no good advice with nutrition (they only take a few hours of it in school) and she recommended I run every day even though I was so tired all the time. So NO help at all. I felt she had a shaming attitude about the whole situation, when it could have been more heartfelt and productive straight from my mom. My moms argument was "you should be able to tell from looking at yourself, take some responsibility". But I think all teenagers minds are skewed out of proportion. I think most teen girls in the US feel fat no matter what their actual size is. I know I trusted my moms promise that she would tell me if I was indeed "fat" and I felt betrayed. I don't see how a doctor can help your daughter in any way. Just have her step on a scale at home and say that you're looking to lose weight and count calories and maybe she'd like to join you?
Btw I started weight watchers after this, counting points, and I was actually relieved I was given "permission" to do this. I would have been self conscious doing this in front of my family before. Maybe give her a conservative goal of losing .5 lb/wk just to get used to it at first.5 -
As a mother of 2-teenage girls I agree counting calories isnt the best way forward, have u thought of slimming world? Filling up on.healthy food and limiting treats (syns), she would be learning how to permamently eat healthier without going hungry or getting obsessed about counting calories. The great thing is if your cooking slimminng world meals in normal portion size the whole family can enjoy she wont feel like shes been put on a 'diet'.1
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I think all teenagers minds are skewed out of proportion. I think most teen girls in the US feel fat no matter what their actual size is. I know I trusted my moms promise that she would tell me if I was indeed "fat" and I felt betrayed.
^^^ this.
when i was 14 and fat, i knew i was fat. i didn't need my mother or anyone else to tell me that; in fact, for anyone to tell me that would have been extremely embarrassing and it would've terribly hurt my feelings (because teenage gals are psycho lol). what i DID need was to come to the conclusion that i wanted to change it.
my advice is for you to be the living example and hope that she becomes interested and curious.
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I was also a chubby 14 year old. I was about 5'3" and probably 150 lbs. But we always had junk in the house. I can remember eating like 4 packs of those tasty cake chocolate cake things in one sitting. My mom never said anything about it. We always had soda in the house and sugary tea and cookies. We had good stuff too, but at 14 I wasn't real interested in fruit over cake.
I agree, you need a professional opinion here. My kids are 3 and 5 and they've noticed me counting calories and have already asked about it. It was kinda uncomfortable explaining that mommy isn't an optimal weight and I definitely don't need them worrying about their weights. I try to focus on health rather than calories with my boys...but it's not real comparable to a 14 year old girl.
That is such a tough age. Your all angst ridden and hormonal. She's too old for you to completely control her diet but young enough that you don't want to give her a complex. Good Luck OP.2 -
Thanks everyone. I guess my biggest concern is that no matter what I do, I can't make the decision to get healthy for her and she isn't making that decision herself. She complains about her high weight frequently. She is offered healthy food at home but when she is out of the house she loads up on junk food (raw cookie dough, cookies, chips, pizza, sweet tea, soda). I was thin most of my adult life but gained 20 lbs 3 years ago and have been a junk food natzi since. If it's in the house then I will eat it so it isn't allowed in my house. She has watched me make exercise and good heath a priority and seen me lose the weight. She has been in health classes. We have had multiple conversations over the years about good eating habits, portion control, exercise. I started becoming obsessed with counting calories and had to reign myself back in and I was open and honest with her about that. She knows that is one of the reasons I don't want her to start counting calories either. I honestly think she believes if she finds a way to get enough exercise in then she can keep eating what she wants and I keep telling her that isn't the way it works. Btw, my daughter is very stubborn if you couldn't tell so far.1
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A relative recently had weight loss surgery, and her very overweight teenage daughter has lost almost as much as mom.
When mom started serving small portions of very healthy food at meals, and the daughter followed along, she relearned a lot of bad habits.
Now the dad and brothers apparently haven't lost a bit- they indulge in fast food, etc out of the house and also eat more at home.
My point is, you can teach her a lot. You definitely need to acknowledge it with her, and teach her. If you don't want her to count calories, maybe teach her some kind of guidelines - my kids are little but we teach a protein and vegetable at every meal, with a whole grain sometimes. We teach one serving of "snack" food a day, and one sweet. We teach what a serving size is- is o e handful of nuts is your snack, not digging into the nuts over and over. We teach filling up on fruits and vegetables only if it's an hour or less before meals.
I do agree with others to explore what kind of action e things she might like. Our county parks recently had a "women in the outdoors" day where you could try paddleboarding, archery, hiking, biking, etc all in one fun day with other women. Something like that which would expose her to new fun things might be fun.2 -
Yes aside from a physical and lab work to rule out thyroid and other metabolic issues such as insulin resistance make the family walks a priority as close to daily as possible. Make sure she is utilizing the P.E. department at school when it resumes in the fall(many schools have other options like weight training which teaches lifting basic and also involved track running warms ups) but in the meantime for summer maybe get a swim class signed up or something else and be sure to make the walking a priority.
My weight problems were already in place at 14 as well and I probably was about the same weight as she was but a little taller but definitely in the overweight range. I wish my mom had took honest looks at our food habits in the home. In some ways we ate poorly at times due to budgeting issues but still enjoyed a wide range of fresh produce growing up(because my mom gardened off and on), still other snacking habits came with the environment. I never took sports(other than a basketball season in 5th grade years before) but not so much because I didn't want to, just that my mom could not afford the costs.0 -
Lead by example! The best thing my mom ever did for me when I was an overweight teen was to take me to the gym where we both enrolled in the membership program. She made it a voluntary thing - we took a tour, learned the machines with a trainer and then she asked if I wanted to join. And I did! We went every other day together in the evenings and encouraged each other.
Part of the enrollment was that I saw a nutritionist and got an eating plan. We went out and got the shopping list and we made the meals together and she made my lunch daily according to the menu.
The other great thing about it was that when I started showing progress, I was incentivized by getting a mini shopping spree.6 -
I was way overweight as a kid, and I had no notion of portion size. My mom was a size 2-4 all her life, and ate huge amounts (extremely active person; lots of veggies). She was always worried about my weight, and she always provided healthy food (no chips; no soda; dessert only on special occasions; homecooked meals always included 3 veggie sides). I was allowed to eat as much as I desired of fruit and veggies and man, i could put down some fruit! But, "it's healthy". And when I was old enough to make my own food, i'd model my food after my mom's - but twice as much mayo and meat and cheese on my sandwiches, and generally bigger portions of everything. I had no notion of the difference in calories being that great. We were both eating the same types of foods. I'd start with portion sizes and the idea of which foods are more calorie dense if you want to avoid obsessively counting calories. And yes, I pigged out at friend's houses and snuck food after my parents went to bed, and all sorts of stuff. But then I pointed out I was eating well-balanced meals, so why am I fat? I needed someone to help me acknowledge all the pieces and put the whole picture together.6
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as a fat kid and a fat adult, be aware HOW you say things to your daughter can have an impact. I am NOT saying you are saying the wrong things. i just know that MY mother didn't pay attention to what and how she said things to me as a kid, and still now. so, i have body image and self-esteem issues mostly due to that.
I know for myself, it doesn't matter how well intentioned an adult would be (when i was a kid). any comment that wasn't positive was a blow to the gut. my mom has always been on a whacked out eating plan. I swore i would never be like her. and i'm not. if my mom had told me to watch calories, i do honestly believe i would have had an eating disorder.
so..............as others said, i would lead by example. i wouldn't say ANYTHING about calorie counting. make healthy choices and regular activity part of daily life for the 2 of you. counting calories IMHO IS a recipe for obsession with a teenager.5 -
as a fat kid and a fat adult, be aware HOW you say things to your daughter can have an impact. I am NOT saying you are saying the wrong things. i just know that MY mother didn't pay attention to what and how she said things to me as a kid, and still now. so, i have body image and self esteem issues mostly due to that.
Me too.....she didn't mean to do it but it hurt just as badly to think she was embarrassed by me.3 -
Where is she going that she has so much access to junk food?
She's too young to drive so how's she getting around?
I'd buy her a bike to get to her friends houses and around town.0 -
BlendaBrenda wrote: »Where is she going that she has so much access to junk food?
She's too young to drive so how's she getting around?
I'd buy her a bike to get to her friends houses and around town.
We don't know that junk food is the problem. And not everyone lives in an area where bikes are a safe form of transportation.4
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