Finding it hard to forgive myself

fitnessqueen91

I binged really badly last week, about 3000 on most of the days and 4000 on one particular bad day. I've probably put on 2 pounds of fat not including water weight. I was unwell last week; I felt really bad fatigue and felt too exhausted to go to the gym, which isn't like me. When I'm inactive I eat more. When I'm active and go to the gym I find the desire to eat is less especially with the endorphins making me feel less hungry. I find when I can't go to the gym I feel like a failure. I hate being inactive.

Today and yesterday I've been ill too, but I've not binged and have done some walking in order to do something active until I feel well enough to go back to the gym. I feel fat and disgusting and don't want to look at myself. I know I can get the pounds off by next week, but its just that it keeps happening. Usually my net calories is 1000-1200 with the gym so lets say I'll eat 1700-1800 calories and burn 600-800 by being active including going to the gym and walking everywhere.

I sometimes have periods where I binge. Sometimes I feel low and other times I enjoy having a pig out. I struggle with moderation as well. I have the all or nothing kind of mentality. I want to change but I know it won't happen overnight and I need to take it as it comes. I know that I will probably binge sometimes but I want to reduce the frequency and not turn one binge day into many. Sometimes I'm like, ah I'll pig out today and then I'll burn it off in the next few days. Then the emotion guilt creeps up on me. I feel fat, disgusting and greedy. I'm not that big- last time I weighed I was 75kg (165 pounds) though plus 2 pounds and I'm 5"7.5 and a uk size 12. I'm very sporty and love exercise.

endlessfall16

You should print out this post, highlight the part about how you feel and post it on your fridge or anywhere you usually get your foods.

Your problem is you tend to quickly forget this feeling you have written here when there are foods in front of you.

Cheesy567

The podcast HalfSize Me really helped me reframe the way I look at and manage a binge. The book "Brain Over Binge" has many techniques to use, too, from a neurobiological approach that has proven to be effective with other forms of addiction (i.e., you don't necessarily need therapy to address binge eating; the urge to binge is a neural pathway in your brain, one that can be changed.)

Just log it, learn what you can from it, and move on. Adjust your goals and habits if needed, to reduce the urges to binge.

angryromancegrrl

If it was me that binged, would you tell me that I was disgusting and fat? I doubt it. You'd probably forgive me and tell me to move past the slip. So--if you wouldn't say it to me then don't say it to yourself. Don't let self-loathing turn one bad day into multiples.

85Cardinals

If you don't take your own side in life's struggles, who else will. Keep fighting for yourself and your well being. A lot of people would love to be in your position at 165 pounds. Cut yourself some slack and keep at it. Onward and upward!

mallygirl420

I totally feel for you. You recognized and admitted it, which is good. You are pointing out some of the subconscious that drives it, which is good. You've stated how it makes you feel when you do binge, which is good.

What helps me is to portion my meals out daily, to keep unhealthy foods out of site and have a few healthy snacks on hand (I portion these). I also don't drink til I'm drunk any more because me drunk always results in a binge.

My go-to binge foods are dominos pizza (large with cheese bread) and Ben and Jerry's (entire pints). I had to just cut these out completely and I only allow myself to get them when I have "earned" the calories to eat the whole thing, because I can't eat them in moderation no matter how hard I try.

I do totally sympathize because I know the feeling about wanting to not binge so badly, and then doing it. It's like your brain turns off and next thing you know, you've had 2 days worth of calories - plus the next day guilt on top of it. Just know you're not alone, and that its okay to slip up. But don't use it as an excuse. Keep reaching out and keep trying.

VintageFeline

Is there a possibility that having such low net calories, especially given you're a reasonably tall female, is contributing to the need to binge? May be worth experimenting with eating a little more and see if that at least mitigates some of the urges.

I know when I was sick recently and just naturally didn't feel like eating (had flu, basically naturally at my deficit calories but should have eaten more because flu) the following week, as hard as I tried, I just overate. I was still recovering, my body needed more fuel to do so and it really needed more fuel the week prior. It all compounded the urge to eat everything in sight.