Eating Disorder Getting in the way :(

LilSoyMilk

I have been a binge and stress eater since I was little. I remember stuffing my face with cold spaghetti right out of the pot in the fridge, after being scolded at when I was little. I have been bulimic since 9th grade.

I try to fight the urge to purge every time I eat, I try to convince myself that I'm eating healthy and this okay, I need fuel to be proactive and perform at work and be alert, happy, etc.

I am 30lbs lighter, and I am at 150lbs right now, working toward a goal of 125lbs. And every time I step on the scale, I feel like a disgusting blob of fat. I feel very insecure about my body, I don't feel sexy at all. All I ever see is fat, chunks and unattractive rolls. Food makes me happy, but then I binge to try and eat away my worries. Under crazy stress I lose control with what I eat and end up throwing up my dinner/snack/meal.
I haven't purged in about 10 days, but I binged yesterday, obviously going over my calorie goal for the day, and I just felt horrible and disgusting. I am trying to fight this, but I am in a moment of weakness.

usmcmp

You should be talking about this with a treatment team. If you don't have one there are many resources out there equipped to help you with this.
https://myfitnesspal.desk.com/customer/portal/articles/1575987-eating-disorder-resources

GobletofFlames

I'm so sorry. That sounds so tough to feel that way. Hugs

LilSoyMilk

Sigh. Thank you.

Galadrial60

This is serious.

I applaud you for reaching out here, but none of us grasp how rough this is for you. You sound like you have body dysmorphia...not a surprise...it goes with bulimia. But you need help to make sure that you don't tip this into something dangerous, where the only thing you value is the number on your scale.

Good luck...and keep us posted!

nostalgicmeadow

I had the same out-of-control binges myself, what helped me was to take one day at a time and build muscle by lifting heavy weights in the gym. Now l focus on building strength and eating more healthy veggies like red/green cabbage to fill my stomach and protein like chicken or turkey meat for my workouts.

Find support, talking to someone about how you feel will make a huge difference in getting better rather than dealing with this problem on your own. I know how tough it is and this problem will consume your life.

My advice is be aware of trigger foods like cereal for me, l can eat 3 giant bowls of sugary cereal in a row. The only reason l don't gain when l binge is because of my strength training 4 to 5 times a week.

Thank you for being honest about your eating issues, l hope you conquer these eating disorders and find someone to help you overcome them.

TavistockToad

pearable wrote: »

I have been a binge and stress eater since I was little. I remember stuffing my face with cold spaghetti right out of the pot in the fridge, after being scolded at when I was little. I have been bulimic since 9th grade.

I try to fight the urge to purge every time I eat, I try to convince myself that I'm eating healthy and this okay, I need fuel to be proactive and perform at work and be alert, happy, etc.

I am 30lbs lighter, and I am at 150lbs right now, working toward a goal of 125lbs. And every time I step on the scale, I feel like a disgusting blob of fat. I feel very insecure about my body, I don't feel sexy at all. All I ever see is fat, chunks and unattractive rolls. Food makes me happy, but then I binge to try and eat away my worries. Under crazy stress I lose control with what I eat and end up throwing up my dinner/snack/meal.
I haven't purged in about 10 days, but I binged yesterday, obviously going over my calorie goal for the day, and I just felt horrible and disgusting. I am trying to fight this, but I am in a moment of weakness.

do you have treatment team/therapist?

jahillegas_51

Was a binge eater for years, here are some general tips. I more than happy to answer some questions if you have them:) I understand how much a b**%$ eating disorders can be. I want you to feel sexy and enjoy your life. Lets work together!

First, admit there was a problem. For three going on four years, I blamed externals, my drive, and my dreams for my actions. Ignoring people in my life hinting at me that I may have a problem, including family, close friends, and girlfriend. I lied to myself, rationalizing it with the mask of a cheat meal. As the punishment for binging increased so did the amount of times I binged. At first once a week, then every couple days, every other, until it consumed my thoughts. At times I would drive to Walmart just to eat it all before coming home. Chances are if you are reading this it is because you are looking for help. Good for you, you are lightyears ahead of where I was!

Second, I learned to love myself for me, as a matter of fact I am still learning how to do this. Today, the emulated physique is seen as happiness. It is published on social media, magazines, and posters as the symbol of happiness. I believed it, I chased it and chased it. I had it for some time and I was still just as miserable. How you look will not make you happy! Now don’t twist those words as an excuse to just let ourselves become overweight. Chances are you will break step 1 which is lying and rationalizing it. We have to learn to accept our imperfections. We all have them and everyone tries to hide them. Here are my flaws (some I can fix, others are what they are):
Relationships: I am aweful. I wrecked a 15 year friendship with a highschool sweetheart, I was selfish and an *kitten*. I can also be abrasive and brutal with little to no compassion. However ever since I shared this personal story, I have gotten better. Although I am by no means finished working on this.
Skin Damage: I never wore sunscreen as a kid. Now I have moles, freckles, and scars. Some I wish weren’t there. Some girls won’t talk to me because of them. I am not “sexy” enough. They aren’t “interested”.

Don’t let your imperfections stop you from loving yourself. You are the only you this world will ever see, embrace yourself. Perhaps the worst thing about this cycle was I hated myself, I hated my life, I did not want to look in the mirror, I thought I was a failure that I would never make it, I contemplated suicide. When I would binge, I would punish myself. Don’t do that we are human, life is meant to be enjoyed. Life is much too short to never treat yourself to what you love to eat whatever that maybe for you. Look yourself in the mirror directly into your eyes saying “I LOVE myself” at least 10 times a day, if not more. P.S. try not to smile when you say this (harder than you think).

Thirdly, there is no such thing as good food, bad food. Placing labels on food, leads us to ban them from our intake. We say, “No, No, No, No, No…” We push for the perfect diet, once we eat this food that does not fall into this neat diet box; we throw our hands up, saying we failed so now is the time to eat everything we can. This leads to punishment. Which leads to more restrictions. This is the vicious cycle we as binge eaters face. I used to believe it myself, that there was clean food and bad food. It simply is this manifested idea. If you ask a vegan, he/she will say animal based foods are not clean. Someone who is a vegetarian will disagree, and say it is just animal products that are not clean. Then a paleo guy runs in screaming about how meat is clean, but grains aren’t. So someone has to be right? They are all wrong. Instead, adopt my grandmother’s wise old adage of “everything in moderation.”

Fourth, going along the lines of moderation. You can eat whatever you want just not all at once. I believe I heard Layne Norton say this, I believe this, like the 11th commandment, in fact it should be an amendment to the constitution. When I first began to escape cycle, I would eat one “treat” at every meal. Nothing crazy, but it will allow you still get your “fix” but you won’t binge on it. Any action in the right direction gave me more motivation and encouragement to keep improving. The small wins kept snowballing into large victories later that slammed the door on binging. Disclaimer, it is wiser to eat this food item from a plate not from the container. Don’t test your will to fight binging if you do not have too. As the old saying goes, “work smarter, not harder.”

Fifth, no more crazy spreadsheets and tracking of nutrients line item by line item like an accountant. I did not worry about counting calories and the works. I would instead eat (3) meals, breakfast, lunch and supper possibly a snack if I was hungry. I would eat slowly, and as I began to feel fuller I would stop eating. You may be like me and scared that you’ll get fat. Well what is our other choice? We can keep binge eating which is not working, because you wouldn’t be reading this. Or we can reach out and try something new. I need to be conscious of my eating, instead of speed eating (still struggle at times).

Sixth, 180, 190, 160, 225, 200…what number was it going to be today I thought I as I closed my eyes scared to look down at the scale after a night of binging (these were all weights I reached during this cycle). You do not need a scale to help you. It’s about small wins, small wins, they add up trust me; I have been there too. Most people overestimate the damage of a binge. You need to eat in excess of 3500 calories over your normal intake to gain a pound of fat. It is not as bad as we create in our minds. Additionally, when we stand on the scale after a binge our body is bloated, full of food, sodium, and other goodies. This only compounds the guilt feeling.

It is your lucky day! I said six, but here is a seventh tip. So, what about eating at restaurants and parties? Parties were my kryptonite, the amount of food that I saw and I thought I had to eat three people’s worth of everything. What helped me to win at parties was I made this a game in my head (who cares no one else knows..plus now you know I did it). I am very competitive; I hate losing even if it’s go fish with a girlfriend (I will be a terrible father I will never let my kids win). Since eating slower and not getting seconds was a struggle at first. The game I created was to be the last one done eating, and the last one to get seconds. This helped me in many ways, first to help me eat slower I talked with people, this helped to repair the relationships I had damaged in the past, plus I was not over eating (win/win). Which is why I was last to get seconds, so often I would eat so quick that my stomach didn’t even know it was fed until I was already 4-5 plates of heaping food deep.

Make that eight, workout for fun! For so long in this process I trained for results no I do not mean goals; I simply worked out to look good that’s it! It was the complete wrong direction, it made training no fun, I dreaded every gym session, and was having a miserable time. It doesn’t matter if you are into bodybuilding, figure, physique, cross fit, powerlifting, strongman, marathons, etc. just train for fun, train to get better and challenge yourself. For me this was powerlifting.

goldthistime

I like this group: http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/group/726-binge-eating-support-group

katashaaa

It can be so hard to get out of an awful cycle, it took me a long time to try and stop, but just remember it is do-able and you can do it, feel free to chat if you need to X