My Weight Loss Journey - Needing Support

cclorentz91

Looking back I can remember being about six or seven. I remember my aunt and uncle asking me if I had a boyfriend yet? The answer was always no. Even at that young of age I felt insecure and self-conscious. I loathed the idea of birthdays and Christmas-basically any occasion where someone could buy me gifts especially clothes. I remember being in grade 3, and my aunt bought me a black pair of overall shorts with the cutest shirt to go underneath. Then she said the words that I dreaded the most: "Try it on! I want to see it on you." I'd go to the bathroom, I'd start pulling the clothes over my body - they almost always never fit. I was ashamed and embarrassed. I stayed in the bathroom, staring at my reflection - hating what I saw. I tried readjusting the clothes, maybe I had put them on wrong. Maybe they had mislabelled the size. Then the moment would come where my thoughts were interrupted and I could hear my name being called to come out and show off the clothes. I was mortified.

This feeling only amplified as I went through life. I never felt comfortable in my own skin. I spent five years working in a customer service job-the main focus was to improve my self-confidence and people skills. Unfortunately, everything didn't go as I had hoped for. I found myself working as a cashier, looking at the line ahead of me of upcoming customers - and dreading any customers coming up to my till that I found attractive. Attractive guys still would end up at my till though - I was able to laugh and joke with them. They all always seemed to have a good time with me. But the problem was, the reason I was able to joke and laugh with them, was because I truly felt that deep down there was no way they could ever find me attractive. So I didn't have to worry about impressing them, or bother flirting with them. This feeling carried forward it to my college years. Guys would ask me on a date. I always politely declined. I couldn't imagine anyone possibly liking me, I always wondered if they were playing a joke on me. It happened once in high school, I was asked out by the cutest boy in school. When I smiled at him and said yes, him and his friends nearby erupted into laughter.
It was as if my value as a person was determined by my attractiveness.
After the sudden loss of my father, I hit an all-time low. Two years later, out of the blue I felt an extreme surge of motivation. I began going to the gym seven days a week for over an hour at a time. Over the course of a year I had dropped more than 40 pounds and built a lot of muscle in the process. I was stronger - not only in my body but also in my mind. For the first time in my life I felt confident. I felt beautiful. I felt like I had value and worth. The people around me often commented how happy I had become. And then when the guys started asking me out again - I started to say yes instead of no.
But all that changed when I made the decision to move across the country to better my life with a fulfilling career. I was constantly meeting new people, going out to dinner, going to house parties, and out for drinks at the local pub. This became my life for more than a year. I had gained a lot of what I had lost back - and then some. I tried to get myself back on track. I started eating better and going to the gym regularly. A couple weeks in, I had tore a ligament in my ankle. Cardio had become my enemy. It seemed like every piece of cardio equipment required you to use your legs and feet. Of course, I could have just stuck to weights focusing on my upper body and core - but I got bored. I was in pain, I wasn't sleeping properly, and I gradually fell back into old habits as my ankle began to heal. I lost not only my motivation but also my confidence.
Which catches you up to today. My ankle is mostly healed, it still brings me the occasional pain when I walk or stand for too long. I am trying my best to get back on track, to turn my life and my health back around again.
It has not been easy. Which is why I'm here. I don't think I can do it alone.
Is anyone else in my shoes? Does anyone else not feel comfortable in their own skin but can't seem to do anything about it?
Perhaps if you answered yes to one of those questions, maybe we can lean on one another? We can support each other through this journey. We can get there. We just need to start believing in ourselves.

Thanks for reading

happyauntie2015

Feel free to add me. I was overweight as a child infact reading your childhood memories reminded me of myself at that age. I've been doing this for a couple months now