GF just wants to be fat and happy....
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enterdanger wrote: »I don't think you should try to "solve her problem." Women talk and have conversations to form emotional bonds....Men tend to talk to solve problems. She was probably just blowing off steam. I doubt she really wants an opinion on this.
Obviously, you know her better than me, but it just sounds like she is frustrated and wants to know if you still love her or would if things really went south with her weight loss efforts. She just wants you to tell her she is amazing. Give her some loving and things should be fine.
woman logic.
I think this is the best advice.2 -
FYI I forgot to mention that she is already overweight, by about 30lbs or so. She's a size 12 and basically asked how would I feel if she stayed a size 12 and "fat and happy".
A size twelve isn't that big. As much as it night be healthier for her to lose a bit of weight, she needs to be motivated for herself, not for you. My husband weighs around 300 pounds. He doesn't have an interest in losing weight, so I plan activities with the kids that are active and I make healthy meals. Maybe one day he'll decide to lose some weight, but maybe not. I'd rather have a happy relationship than ruin it by nagging him to do something he doesn't want to do right now.
I have the opposite problem with the husband. lol. I have severe allergies and asthma with hives that has kept me on a ridiculous amount of meds, my doc even told me I wasn't going to lose much weight anytime soon. But I didn't give up. Even IF she's right and I can't "lose" weight, I can increase strength and endurance and try not to GAIN weight. My husband, on the other hand, is rail thin (he has actually lost weight in the past couple of years.) He has his own issues, namely nerve damage in his neck that results in some wicked headaches, which in turn make him not want to eat. On days he does eat, though, you'd think he makes up for it. He eats whatever he wants and drinks MT Dew almost exclusively... He mother had Crone's and I am terrified if he doesn't change his diet and habits he will get sick and die young. I have tried to convince him to workout with me. It practically eliminated my tension migraines... But he won't do it. Like you said, I have to work hard to draw the line between caring and nagging him to do something.
Bottom line, to OP, losing weight is often hard. Relationships are often hard. Both tend to be worth it. Tell her you'd love her if she never lost another pound, but that she should keep up some effort to maintain her health and current weight.1 -
Sounds like she may be experiencing a bit of depression. Weight loss is hard, and social expectations to be thin, maybe she's is just blowing off steam. I hate shaving my legs because society expects me too. I may rebel for a bit, least until I have a dr appointment. But I'll give in. Same will with food. I don't want to live on rabbit food. Pizza is my rebellious outlet. My I don't GAF.
She might benefit from active hobbies. Not necessarily for weigh loss, just something to alleviate the depression. A walk, bikes, swimming, horseshoes, or hiking. Just something you two can do together and feel connected. Then celebrate with a healthier meal.
Good luck.1 -
I don't have much to say about the Fat and Happy part, but I have PCOS and have lost weight with calorie counting alone. I lose a little more slowly than expected, but I'm pretty happy with my results. 60 pounds so far, improved symptoms, tons more energy. It can definitely be done! Also, my body responds very quickly to weight lifting - it might not be for her, but it's definitely helped change my overall shape. But most of all, try to be supportive. She may have to play around to see what works and what she's comfortable with. She also doesn't have to go crazy and lose all 30 pounds at once if she's frustrated. She can lose a little, maintain, lose a little, maintain.
I would suggest visiting a reproductive endocrinologist that treats women with PCOS before a registered dietician (not a nutritionist). Carrying extra weight and gaining weight can aggravate symptoms associated with PCOS. The endo can help determine if there are issues with insulin resistance/blood sugar, which may then prompt them to prescribe additional medication or suggest a lower carb diet. Then get RD recommendations from the endocrinologist.
(Side note: some folks think that women with PCOS may burn calories more slowly than expected. So if MFP is telling her 1600 calories per day to lose weight, she may find she has more success at 1500 calories.)0 -
FYI I forgot to mention that she is already overweight, by about 30lbs or so. She's a size 12 and basically asked how would I feel if she stayed a size 12 and "fat and happy".
Size 12 is still smaller than the average size of an American woman. If she wants to stay that size it's her business. Maybe she's burned out and needs a break. I think she's actually asking you if you still find her attractive at the size she is now, so rather than posting on the Internet on how to convince her to keep dieting and get thinner you should maybe reassure her instead.5 -
Heartisalonelyhunter wrote: »FYI I forgot to mention that she is already overweight, by about 30lbs or so. She's a size 12 and basically asked how would I feel if she stayed a size 12 and "fat and happy".
Size 12 is still smaller than the average size of an American woman. If she wants to stay that size it's her business. Maybe she's burned out and needs a break. I think she's actually asking you if you still find her attractive at the size she is now, so rather than posting on the Internet on how to convince her to keep dieting and get thinner you should maybe reassure her instead.
I don't think he feels like reassuring her at this size.1 -
Especially reading an article on the internet that mentioned that majority of people that lose weight gain it back anyway and it's too hard to keep it off once you lose it.
Most people gain back because once they achieve their goal the "diet" goes out the window and they start eating like they used to before the "diet". The trick is to continue to watch what you eat.1 -
She's motivated, we work out together. She has seen a nutritionist and personal trainer in the past. She has seen old pictures of herself at the beach and she is not a fan of them. So she definitely wants to lose weight, it's just that she's hit a wall with not seeing results. I've only been using MFP for about a month and half and I already lost 9 pounds, while she, only a few.
I think I am going to try and get her to see a dietitian that specializes in PCOS. But last night she really sounded defeated...Especially reading an article on the internet that mentioned that majority of people that lose weight gain it back anyway and it's too hard to keep it off once you lose it.
People fail to keep the weight off because they drop the weight and then just go right back to old habits...they start eating like *kitten* again and stop exercising, etc. I see a lot of people using this as some kind of pre-destiny or something...it's not...it's 100% choice...unfortunately, people usually choose to go back to "normal"...there has to be a new normal.
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If you guys aren't on the same page when it comes to serious topics like this/values, then you should break up.
You can't make her lose weight, keep it off, or have the motivation to do what needs to be done. And she can't expect you to continue to be attracted to her/respect that decision.0 -
Ok, here's the deal. My gf asked if I would still love her if she just let go and became "fat and happy" . As long as she is healthy, it should be all good right?
Obviously this is an issue for her or she wouldn't be bringing it up. Can you solve this? No. She needs to want to do this. Can you love her if she decides to give up on being healthy? That's up to you. Personally I wouldn't mind the weight as much as the attitude of just giving up.
Putting the shoe on the other foot, how many women would be okay with the following question?
"Darling. I like this minimum wage job. Would you just be happy and love me if I don't try to make more money? I"m comfortable here."
First, that's kind of sexist, implying that women are materialistic.
Secondly, it's more like if a man was working a minimum wage job, and struggling to find something better, and feeling like he's not getting anywhere despite sending out resumes and going on interviews, and in frustration said, "Would you still love me if I just gave up and stayed at this job?" Obviously a supportive wife would encourage him to keep looking, and that he'll find something, but he also needs assurance that she loves him no matter what. To say, "No, I will only love you if you start making bank," that would be pretty *kitten*. 4 -
michelleepotter wrote: »Ok, here's the deal. My gf asked if I would still love her if she just let go and became "fat and happy" . As long as she is healthy, it should be all good right?
Obviously this is an issue for her or she wouldn't be bringing it up. Can you solve this? No. She needs to want to do this. Can you love her if she decides to give up on being healthy? That's up to you. Personally I wouldn't mind the weight as much as the attitude of just giving up.
Putting the shoe on the other foot, how many women would be okay with the following question?
"Darling. I like this minimum wage job. Would you just be happy and love me if I don't try to make more money? I"m comfortable here."
First, that's kind of sexist, implying that women are materialistic. Secondly, it's more like if a man was working a minimum wage job, and struggling to find something better, and feeling like he's not getting anywhere despite sending out resumes and going on interviews, and in frustration said, "Would you still love me if I just gave up and stayed at this job?" Obviously a supportive wife would encourage him to keep looking, and that he'll find something, but he also needs assurance that she loves him no matter what. To say, "No, I will only love you if you start making bank," that would be pretty *kitten*.
Yep, it's a dumb, sexist analogy and is also wrong. If you start dating someone who is a size 12 or earns a minimum wage salary you have no right to complain when they choose not to change either of those things. OP, presumably you started dating her when she was a size 12 and you can't pressure her to change to please you. Otherwise just break up.2 -
*What I would give to be size 12...I'd definitely be happy!*
I think what she is looking for is reassurance that you love her. And you keep encouraging her. Tell her her progress is awesome, her expectations may be too harsh on herself, and that you are in it for the long haul, as long as she is healthy. You can tell her you would hate to see her cause harm to herself by giving up a healthy lifestyle in exchange for a cop out and putting her health at risk.1 -
mpkanewske wrote: »enterdanger wrote: »I don't think you should try to "solve her problem." Women talk and have conversations to form emotional bonds....Men tend to talk to solve problems. She was probably just blowing off steam. I doubt she really wants an opinion on this.
Obviously, you know her better than me, but it just sounds like she is frustrated and wants to know if you still love her or would if things really went south with her weight loss efforts. She just wants you to tell her she is amazing. Give her some loving and things should be fine.
woman logic.
I think this is the best advice.
True for a lot of women; is this typical of the way she works? If so, then take that advice. If she's like me and wants *answers* when she asks, that's another story. If she wants answers you could always offer to accompany her to the doctor and discuss it together, if that would make her feel more supported.1 -
If your girlfriend manages to be a size 12, and only moderately overweight, with pcos, she's doing a very good job with her diet and exercise already. Congratulations to her!1
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PCOS is rough. I have it. I'd it hard for me to loose weight yes sure is. I am larger than she is and it's coming off slow but it is coming off. I gained a lot okay most of my weight from several miscarriages and a terrible depression especially after having multiple however i have pulled myself back up with help from my husband and a therapist. The more we weigh the greater chance of infertility and miscarriage and PCOS well same there greater chance of infertility and miscarriage. I understand she wants to throw in the towel at times however I think she was looking for assurance from you that you will love her unconditionally no matter what. Maybe you both need to sit down ask what she wants does she want you to help her? If yes maybe try and help find her an obgyn that in PCOS and get on board with a dietician that understands what she is dealing with. I can't begin to say how supportive my husband has been and sometimes I think it has saved me! Good luck to you both. Also does she have a MFP? Maybe offer to help her set 1 up there are PCOS forums so she knows she isn't alone and has se support from others living with this as well0
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Yes, if she is happy and healthy that is great. It is important to be happy0
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Oh and you mentioned she is eating a healthier diet....is she measuring what she eats with a food scale? I ask because until I switched from measuring cups and spoons to an actual food scale for solid foods I wasn't noticing much of a change in the scale either infact sometimes I couldn't understand why I had a gain some weeks. Even my steamed veggies were off and some of my lara bars among other things...just a thought2
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