Trapped in Anorexia

PeachyMango333

So, I've really done it this time.
My friends and family have warned me for almost a year about my eating habits. I'm 5'6 and weigh 78 pounds.
I compulsively exercised, every day for 5 years, and within the past 2 months, I was having 3000 calorie deficits, and was eating only ~300-800 calories.

I've spent the past 20 days trying to recover. I've had doctor visits, my friends and family have been struggling to fight with saving me, and I've been restricted exercise and forced to eat more and larger portions...but I don't think I can do it.

Some days, my morning weight is lower than my initial weight from 20 days before.
I don't want to restrict, and many days I feel so strong, so happy of the progress I made, then later on, typically by night, I want to restrict, exercise, throw up, ANYthing I can to regress. I'm so tired of living like this because I'm constantly lying to my friends and family, and they're hurt, tired of trying, and their distance hurts so bad. I feel caged in my lies, tired of trying to plan tomorrow's scheme, and tired of the pain when I get caught. I miss the love and concern my family and friends had for me when I first began my recovery...but I can't stop. At night, when I know that I've controlled my calories enough to not gain weight, I feel so good, so powerful. Then, in the morning, I suffer to water binge to make my weight check sufficient.
I know life would be easier if I just gained the weight like I should. I enjoy eating anyway, so why am I still fighting?

Every day I feel less and less motivated to keep on. I want to give up. Not only on my disorder, but on life, because nothing feels like it matters. I want to move, exercise, fidget, nothing else matters. I'm losing my hobbies, myself, and my sanity.
I'm going to lose my full ride scholarship.
I found out I failed an AP exam I studied and struggled all year for. Because I can't focus. I can't think about anything except burning calories. I've gotten tired enough to be completely complacent; instead of fixing problems, I accept them and move on. the thought of losing everything doesn't even scare me anymore, because I'm so tired...but if I just listen everything would be okay.

I just want recovery to happen right away. The days feel too long, and too unproductive if I don't exercise, which I'm restricted from.
For some reason, I just don't trust in recovery. I know I feel better when I listen, but I can't trust it. I'm so scared.
I'm talking in circles, but this is how I waste my days.
I don't want to live like this anymore.

I wish I had someone who went through this.
I wish I had my old self back, because I'm as tired of this self as much as everyone else.

nutmegoreo

(((hugs)))

I'm so sorry you are struggling this way.

rosey35

Write a list of things you want to accomplish, then write a list of what you think aneroxia does for you, for that aneroxia list try to accomplish something on that list on a day you eat and don't workout and get sick.

Then write a list of what you are truly feeling. Show it to your family and doctor.

Then write a list of all your positives no matter how small.

UnFortunately until you want to truly get well you will not do so, it's possible to overcome this, look on the different list and ask yourself which things on this list is preventing me from wanting to change how I'm At the moment and get better, something is stopping you from wanting to get better try to figure out what it is,

Good lucky on your journey to recovery,

A year from now you could be on here writing an inspirational post on how you overcame your e.d.

jennifer_417

It sounds like you're really in a difficult place. I'm sorry this has been so hard for you. I know there are others out there that have had the same struggle, have you though about trying to find some sort of support group? Or trying to find others who have recovered? Someone like that might be able to help you, or at least help you to not feel like you're all alone in your struggle. (((hugs)))

zoeysasha37

I'm sorry , hugs. I don't know what else to say.

lilligraz22

I've been there!!!!!! Please believe that you can get better!!!! Please don't give up!
I was anorexic and bulimic for years and hated life. Everything was spiraling out of control and food was the only thing I had control over.
I had to address the issues that led to this and the only way was to talk to a therapist. It really really helped. I was hospitalized for two weeks and the doctors had told me that if I didn't gain weight I wouldn't have lived much longer.
I got my life back together and although I still struggle with self image I have put that dangerous part of my life behind me. If you need support, please add me as a friend and I will be more than happy to help.
YOU CAN DO THIS

Trish1c

I was there. . . well at least near there. I only got down to about 90 pounds. I am so thrilled to hear you say you are working with a doctor. That's important.

What helped me was remembering that anorexia isn't actually about food or weight, It's about control. Something somewhere is off in your life & you are fixated on what you consume & what you weigh because you can't control the thing that is really bothering you, so you focus on your weight & eating. I didn't know it at the time but mine was academic pressure -- would I get into college? will I be the top student? will I get into grad school? Still I recognized it was a control issue. That was so eye opening. Once I made the decision that food was no longer going to control me -- because the dynamic does shift & you become controlled by your food intake -- I was able simply eat without having a psychological melt down at every bite. I was up to about 120-125 lbs where I stayed until I turned 40.

Hang in there. Know you have taken very important 1st steps. Try to eat one more thing per day & exercise just the slightest bit less, 1 less rep in your sets; 1 less set; 5 minutes less of cardio. Small changes.

Trish1c

Also remember -- your family & friend still love you -- no matter your weight or your G.P.A.

To avoid losing the scholarship, talk to a counselor about reducing your academic load or taking a semester off for medical reasons. Get your doctor on board with this plan

PeachyMango333

Hey guys, thanks so much for all of your advice.
Unfortunately, I did not get better, dropped down to 70, and was inpatient for 2.5 months. After that, I got up to 110 and then at discharge dropped back to 92 instantly.

At school, I was working with the admin, my Dr,, A therapist, and had good friends around me; they didn't threaten me or tell me i would lose my scholarship. They simply kept reaffirming that they wanted he healthy enough to be happy and enjoy college.

Since then, I have been maintaining with a flux between 115-120lbs. I still struggle very much, but being out of that old atmosphere, i find it difficult to remain in my triggers, so that's good.

Reading back, it seems in sane i was doing this, I don't know how it was possible.

Thank you for all of your support. To let you know, taking the time to make these posts for people like me really do make a difference. Thank you so much.


2016


2017

shanteel612

You look awesome. And the best part is you are treating yor body right by providing it the fuel needs to sustain all aspects of your health.

LearningToFly13

PeachyMango333 wrote: »

Hey guys, thanks so much for all of your advice.
Unfortunately, I did not get better, dropped down to 70, and was inpatient for 2.5 months. After that, I got up to 110 and then at discharge dropped back to 92 instantly.

At school, I was working with the admin, my Dr,, A therapist, and had good friends around me; they didn't threaten me or tell me i would lose my scholarship. They simply kept reaffirming that they wanted he healthy enough to be happy and enjoy college.

Since then, I have been maintaining with a flux between 115-120lbs. I still struggle very much, but being out of that old atmosphere, i find it difficult to remain in my triggers, so that's good.

Reading back, it seems in sane i was doing this, I don't know how it was possible.

Thank you for all of your support. To let you know, taking the time to make these posts for people like me really do make a difference. Thank you so much.


2016


2017

You look so much healthier and about 20 years younger. You should be so proud. Keep it up xx