convincing your significant other

wrighty11146

Hey all,

Ive posted before regarding this but really need some help,

My wife often complains about her weight, referring herself to a slob, horrid or fat. often times she asks why I find her attractive.

When she does bring this up I ask her why not join me, ill help, make suggestions ect ect but then it falls off the radar,

you guys got any advice?

tmi_gang

It sounds to me like she just wants you to compliment her, or she's seeking some type of validation.

Can't change someone who honestly doesn't want to change their ways.


Love the profile pic, by the way.

wrighty11146

thanks @tmi_gang just uploaded it now haha.

Yeha, i just dunno what to do, this usually happens every month or so. Who knows maybe she might join in at some point

tmi_gang

We can definitely hope.
This is a great community and the results speak for themselves!

willburpeeforcookie

I'm in a similar situation with my husband. I think my progress sparks some insecurities in him. I just always invite him to the gym. I'm at a loss as well.

lilligraz22

Really does sound like she wants compliments. Let her know that you don't think that she's a slob but she obviously has issues with herself. If she really wants to change she will.

marm1962

Tell her you love her for who she is and not how she looks (good or bad) and that the only person that has control over how she looks and feels about herself is her and that if she would like to join you that is great, but if she doesn't that is her decision and you are fine with that...... If she keeps on about it, turn your head, roll your eyes, and get on with what you are doing.....lol ( just don't let her see you roll your eyes)

wrighty11146

thanks for the replies guys, does help. I have suggested a number of times about different things to help but nothing sticks. I get the eye rolls when i log all the time lol, just have to keep at it

goldthistime

I'm with everyone else here, complimenting her (as long as those compliments are actually sincere) is your best course of action. Some years ago I had trainer who complimented me profusely. It was embarrassing really, on the verge of ridiculous, but it had an incredible effect on my subconscious. I not only got into the best shape of my life I accomplished things I never thought were possible for me. Not promising those results obviously, but it can't hurt right?

50extra

Is you wife overweight or obese? Or is she of a healthy weight and just needs to tone up? One solution if she needs to lose weight, invite her for an evening stroll once in a while, try with small steps and then progressing up. Another thing you could try is taking control of the cooking more often and trying to fit in some healthier, less calorie dense foods.

If she just needs to tone up and doesn't want to start lifting, I don't know what you can do there.

Lounmoun

wrighty11146 wrote: »

Hey all,

Ive posted before regarding this but really need some help,

My wife often complains about her weight, referring herself to a slob, horrid or fat. often times she asks why I find her attractive.

When she does bring this up I ask her why not join me, ill help, make suggestions ect ect but then it falls off the radar,

you guys got any advice?

Do you find her attractive? Do you tell her that without being asked? Maybe start complimenting her more often. Let her know more often how you love her for more than her appearance.
Tell her that you hear she is struggling with some tough feelings right now. Ask her if there is anything particular that made her feel this way or if she always feels kind of bad/insecure. Listen to her feelings instead of designing a work out or diet plan. Suggest seeking a doctor/therapy if she is constantly feeling bad/depressed. Sometimes you have to work on the mind before you can work on the body. Sometimes you need an outside professional helper instead of your loving spouse to talk things over. Sometimes you need medication before you can move forward.

lulukittie

It's a clunky analogy, but I find the saying "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink" applicable here. You can't force your wife to do anything. All you can do is continue to be supportive of her and to continue on your own journey. If you feel it is truly problematic/affecting your marriage, you might consider marriage counseling. Sometimes a neutral party can be very helpful.

MoveitlikeManda

well my husband started using mfp in 2014 about 2 weeks after I started, I think because Id lost weight (alot of water weight) he thought "oh it actually works"

problem was the only things weighed and logged properly were the meals I cooked him whilst doing my own.

when pregnant (had baby november 2015) he said "iv gained weight again but Im waiting for you to start again so you can do it for me"

this did kinds piss me off because his weight his his resposibilty right!

anyway 2 weeks ago he told me he had brought some diet/energy pills, I was not happy and when they came I did alot of research on them.....turns out they were banned a while ago as had something that could cause cardiac arrest as well as other stuff so I put my foot down, said he was not allowed to take then and I now plan, weigh and logg ALL his meals and drinks, even weighing out the rediculous amount of sugar he has in tea (he is trying to cut down on that)

he is going to the gym every morning monday - thursday so Im hoping if he sees the weight coming off he will start taking it seriously for himself instead of relying on me.

I wouldnt mind but he only has 10kg to loose where as Iv got around 25/30kg i want rid of

my point is, as I got side tracked a bit lol, you could try helping by meal planning with her/weighing food out etc to get her started

BUT thats if she really wants to, she may not, I spent years feeling rubbish about my weight, moaning at anyone who would listen....mainly my husband, id give random deits ago for a couple of weeks (usually costing me a load of money i didnt really have) and then giving up.
I only got in to it when I was ready and I cant even tell you what made me ready, I literally just downloaded the app and started, had a break while pregnant and have only been back it a month now, yet only taking it seriously for last 2 ish weeks again.

so there is not much you can do iness SHE wants to do something herself

jemhh

wrighty11146 wrote: »

thanks @tmi_gang just uploaded it now haha.

Yeha, i just dunno what to do, this usually happens every month or so. Who knows maybe she might join in at some point

Does she do this around the time she gets her period? My husband has learned that I will often say that I feel gross and blobby right before that time so he just gives me a hug and pats me on the back to make me feel better. Even if your wife has some weight to lose, it is possible that she just feels it a bit more on those days. Keep asking her to go for a walk after dinner every so often, low key stuff like that, but try not to think of this as a situation that you need to solve for her. Sometimes we just need to vent.

tracykreczmer

First of all this is about her self esteem..her mind..her not liking herself. You could tell her she is a super model every day and it wou ldnt register. Did she gain weight perhaps with kids or even with marriage? You know going from stocking my fridge with lean cusine to living with a 6'2 man who needed to gain weight put weight on me.

Love her..tell her u love her and she's beautiful! Get her to a gym where normal people go. I was added on to a gym membership never told I was fat and brought into a place where all shapes and sizes go.

What did she do before to exercise? Go do that with her. Cook her some great food. All it takes to get started is a few minutes and eliminating one food.

But it seems so daunting until u try.

Ok cook..go and tell her she is beautiful u just want her to feel better!

She wants to she just is overwhelmed!

wrighty11146

i do compliment her when i get the chance and yes i do find her attractive. we are only in our late 20's she also mentioned she would want to loose weight before we look to have kids, he is a fair bit heavier than me, i dont wanna announce her weight but i think bmi scale its morbid.

9jenn9

I've read in various places, that one of the general differences between the way men and women communicate is that men often communicate functionally. That is, if presented with a problem (in this case, a wife that berates herself), men try to solve the problem. They may offer solutions, suggestions, etc. Women often communicate for connection with others. It's a social wiring thing. Of course, these are generalizations and may not apply to you or your wife.

So while complements, offers of support and invitations to join you are all great, maybe she just wants to be heard? Maybe listening and asking questions about why she feels this way, what she thinks may make her feel better, what she needs from you....may give her a feeling of connection and sense of security. Personally, I'm a "fixer" and want to work out solutions so I get where you're coming from, but as others have said this is something she'll have to work out in her head. That's where big change starts for most people.

Wicked_Seraph

I've been guilty of this. I would have awful, horrible days where I would just curl up and cry because I felt so awful about myself. My boyfriend would try to comfort me and assure me that he found me delightful as-is... I outright accused him of lying or settling for my fat *kitten* on more than one occasion. Yes, I realize this is *kitten*-up and unkind to both of us.

This basically stopped when I resolved to lose weight and focused on running. Like... yes, I do still have days where I realize just how far away from my goal weight I am. But I don't have the same self-loathing that I used to, and I certainly don't spend time complaining to Jim about it. Running was a life-saver for me. It was so helpful to have a goal to work towards that was totally unrelated to the scale moving, and to SEE improvements in time, distance, etc. It's empowering to learn to appreciate your body for what it can do, and not necessarily how it looks while doing those things.

In short: there's nothing you can do for your wife. Nothing my boyfriend did changed my views - though I am so immensely grateful for his support and love during this process. The only person who changed my attitude was me. And she's the only one who can change herself. If you have a hobby that you enjoy that makes you feel good about your abilities, share with her how it makes you feel. I don't know if there's a delicate way to encourage her to find something she can feel good about progressing in - but know that, ultimately, she is responsible for herself.

UnicornAmandaPanda

I love the analogy "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink." The ideas that were given are ok... Who doesn't like sincere compliments? And a low key bike ride or a walk after dinner with their spouse sounds amazing. But at the end of the day if she is eating more calories than she is burning she is just going to continue to gain. She will do it when she is ready. It's just a matter of how big of a deal this is to you and your marriage

vikinglander

I go through something similar with my daughter. Every time I bring it up she gets defensive, so I finally learned to just lead by example and hope that she gets on board when she's ready (or on board any other healthy train...).

Here's a quote I found out there: "Sexy is not a size, every calorie is not a war, your body is not a battleground. Your value is not measured in pounds. You are just as beautiful as any other (woman)"... (man) (person)".

I have learned that self love is the issue for me. It is what has made the difference this time around. Unfortunately it can't be shared or most likely, even taught. Everyone has to find it on their own.

sunnybeaches105

wrighty11146 wrote: »

Hey all,

Ive posted before regarding this but really need some help,

My wife often complains about her weight, referring herself to a slob, horrid or fat. often times she asks why I find her attractive.

When she does bring this up I ask her why not join me, ill help, make suggestions ect ect but then it falls off the radar,

you guys got any advice?

Yea. Don't say that. Say something along the lines of "you look great, let's bang," instead.

tracyt829

I wouldn't put it towards your weight training. She just needs to be complimented and validation that you are interested, still care and find her attractive. Ask her to go on walks or a fun bike ride with a fun place as a destination. The more you pester her on her weight, she may resent you more. If you are looking better, she may be worried that other women will be attracted to you. It sounds crazy, but it could be crossing her mind. So, since you've been going to the gym and working out and seeing fit bodies, let her know you still love her and she's the one for you and that you'll always find her sexy and beautiful.

My boyfriend and I (both of us are divorced and in our 40's) started working out together last year. I want to lose 80 lbs and he about 50. He always said I was the one who got him back to the gym. He does cross-fit daily and rides horses, I box and ride horses/bike when I'm not traveling for work. I was always a biking maniac and he would be exhausted. I lost 25, but an injury (mounted my horse and tore a meniscus) sidelined me for 4 months ( I had other issues too). He kept working out and I gained my weight back. He went from being really cute to hot. And I went from ok to a blob. I've been back working out that past 2 months pain free, my usual energetic self and working hard. He can work out every day with his desk job, sometimes 2x a day. I do my best 5 times a week (and sometimes non at all). When I was feeling down on myself, like your wife, he would make sure I knew how he felt about me. Even when I didn't say anything. He has always been supportive, knowing that I am working past some physical limitations and trying to lose weight and work out around my work. We try to work out at least once a week together.

So, over all, just don't worry about her working out, sometimes the pressure will push her away. Instead, be positive about what she means to you..and don't wait for her to dig for a compliment. Invite her along on work outs, and if she goes, work out with her and make it an easy one that she can enjoy her time with you.

laur357

Offer to cook dinner some nights, and cook things that are tasty yet fit your nutritional goals. Or cook together (skinnytaste.com, or others) - try new cuisines and take turns picking recipes.
Suggest activities/dates that are fun, but involve movement - amusement parks, hikes, swimming/beach days, boating, mini-golf or a driving range, walking to a restaurant instead of driving.

When it comes up again or if you start talking about starting a family soon, then you can mention the little things that she's already been doing with you and ask if she wants to step it up or add in a few more health-improving activities.
Having a lot of weight to lose can be overwhelming, especially if you aren't really sure if making changes is going to work. Knowing you need to overhaul your life and knowing it's going to take time and effort is daunting. No promises that it will spur her to join you, but any activity is good and you might get some support for your own efforts.
***I'm not suggesting you trick her into weight loss or police what she's doing, just see if she is willing to join you sporadically and make it enjoyable. She ultimately gets to decide what to do.

And yes, keep making sure she knows you find her attractive.

MoveitlikeManda

sunnybeaches105 wrote: »

wrighty11146 wrote: »

Hey all,

Ive posted before regarding this but really need some help,

My wife often complains about her weight, referring herself to a slob, horrid or fat. often times she asks why I find her attractive.

When she does bring this up I ask her why not join me, ill help, make suggestions ect ect but then it falls off the radar,

you guys got any advice?

Yea. Don't say that. Say something along the lines of "you look great, let's bang," instead.

love this ^^^

coleg04

mbaby86 wrote: »

well my husband started using mfp in 2014 about 2 weeks after I started, I think because Id lost weight (alot of water weight) he thought "oh it actually works"

problem was the only things weighed and logged properly were the meals I cooked him whilst doing my own.

when pregnant (had baby november 2015) he said "iv gained weight again but Im waiting for you to start again so you can do it for me"

this did kinds piss me off because his weight his his resposibilty right!

anyway 2 weeks ago he told me he had brought some diet/energy pills, I was not happy and when they came I did alot of research on them.....turns out they were banned a while ago as had something that could cause cardiac arrest as well as other stuff so I put my foot down, said he was not allowed to take then and I now plan, weigh and logg ALL his meals and drinks, even weighing out the rediculous amount of sugar he has in tea (he is trying to cut down on that)

he is going to the gym every morning monday - thursday so Im hoping if he sees the weight coming off he will start taking it seriously for himself instead of relying on me.

I wouldnt mind but he only has 10kg to loose where as Iv got around 25/30kg i want rid of

my point is, as I got side tracked a bit lol, you could try helping by meal planning with her/weighing food out etc to get her started

BUT thats if she really wants to, she may not, I spent years feeling rubbish about my weight, moaning at anyone who would listen....mainly my husband, id give random deits ago for a couple of weeks (usually costing me a load of money i didnt really have) and then giving up.
I only got in to it when I was ready and I cant even tell you what made me ready, I literally just downloaded the app and started, had a break while pregnant and have only been back it a month now, yet only taking it seriously for last 2 ish weeks again.

so there is not much you can do iness SHE wants to do something herself

My opinion is that ephedra/ephedrine is fine in moderation. It's legal around the globe, just not here because people abuse it.

Koldnomore

Lounmoun wrote: »

Do you find her attractive? Do you tell her that without being asked? Maybe start complimenting her more often. Let her know more often how you love her for more than her appearance.
Tell her that you hear she is struggling with some tough feelings right now. Ask her if there is anything particular that made her feel this way or if she always feels kind of bad/insecure. Listen to her feelings instead of designing a work out or diet plan. Suggest seeking a doctor/therapy if she is constantly feeling bad/depressed. Sometimes you have to work on the mind before you can work on the body. Sometimes you need an outside professional helper instead of your loving spouse to talk things over. Sometimes you need medication before you can move forward.

I think this is a very likely candidate. She is seeing you getting in better shape and is feeling insecure. My boyfriend was like this when I lost a bunch of weight.