A letter to those who are upset when others don't compliment their progress

Dove0804

First off: I'm really not trying to be passive-aggressive here, I promise! This is a sincere post as a response to the numerous postings of people on MFP who get frustrated or upset when their loved ones and acquaintances don't notice or say anything about their efforts and achievements. A lot of this is my own opinion, but I've been wanting to say it for a while.

Your weight loss should not define you. Your weight loss should not be the most interesting thing about you. You should be proud of it, but if you feel like you need or crave external validation for your efforts, you might want to rethink why you're losing weight in the first place.

Your co-workers are not jerks for not bringing up your weight loss. Maybe your family doesn't say much, but that doesn't mean they don't support you. You don't need to ditch your best friend because she hasn't noticed.
It's hard for people to notice things if they see you on a regular basis, unless it's a super dramatic change. Also, people may notice but don't feel it's their place to comment on your body.

Here's a few reasons why I personally believe it's generally not okay to comment on someone's weight loss:

• I know people who have had cancer and were undergoing chemotherapy and hid it from most people, and they were complemented on their weight loss. Congratulations for being in the process of dying.
• I know people who lost massive amounts of weight without trying because their diabetes was really out of control (or were a new diagnosis), and were complemented on their weight loss. "What's your secret?" "My A1c was really high."
• I know people who have had eating disorders and were complemented on their weight loss.
• And then, there are lots of people (like me) who don't feel comfortable when others comment and scrutinize my body, even in a positive light. There's a lot of personal, mental and emotional problems I have been trying to overcome that have ties to my weight, and it's not something I am comfortable having open discussion on. Just because a change is very visible, doesn't mean it's anyone's business.

But your family and friends still don't say supportive things even when they KNOW you're losing weight! You talk about it all the time!
First, some questions to think through- and seriously ask yourself:
Do you talk about it all the time?
Is your new lifestyle the most interesting thing about you?
Have you become more difficult to relate to?
Are you trying too hard to change OTHERS in your own journey to change yourself?
Sometimes we become more judgemental of others' choices and way of life after losing a lot of weight. I've been around this block before- I know I used to be that way in high school after losing a decent amount of weight.

My own mother said to me the other day: "I'm glad you don't talk about it all the time. I admit it gets irritating when someone at work is waving their carrot stick in my face and talking about all the healthy food they had that day, while I'm just trying to enjoy my lunch for the short period of time I have to sit that day". She's super supportive of me, and even said I was inspiring her to rethink how much she eats- but I didn't say anything to her to get her there, and I'm not going to hold her to it. She's the only one who can light that fire for herself.

To be honest, I too find that I roll my eyes at my friends' Facebook pages that are all about how exercise-focused they are now, and every day I'm supposed to celebrate that they did yet another workout or lost another inch somewhere. It gets tiring, it gets old, and I end up missing the fun, interesting people they were when they weren't so focused on this one thing.

But it's okay to be proud! I think though, that we need to focus on congratulating ourselves, and stop relying on others' validation so much. I remember reading- I think it was the "what nobody tells you about weight loss" thread- that once you reach goal, the complements stop coming after a while and it can be hard to continue to maintain without the positive feedback. It's okay to enjoy complements on your weight loss when they do happen, but try not to expect them from anyone.

If you want to shout it from the rooftops, need encouragement or praise, come to MFP! MFP boards are my outlet for discussing weight loss in detail, and we're all here to support each other. You're doing great!

Jruzer

Nice post.

I find it amusing - the number of people who post "No one has said anything about my weight loss" seems to match the number of those who post "I'm sick of people commenting on my weight loss."

Discretion is the better part of valor.

mikalover6

I enjoyed reading! Thank you for sharing enjoyed your take on the topic. will keep some points you made in mind!

Whitezombiegirl

I agree with all of this. I dont comment on others weight loss for those reasons and i hate it when people comment on mine.

Ive recently gained 7lbs which some people thought i could do with. Im unhappy with it for a couple of reasons 1. Im now an inbetween size so things dont fit right- and its not a case of buying the next size up- even if i could find replacement items.

Mainly its upsetting as its due to an unexpected early menopause ( increased appetite and lethargy) - and ive not had children yet so that possibilty is slipping away. Plus i have to deal with going through the menopause (hrt is not an option). I dont feel like sharing this with everyone so each time i get comments, it just reminds me.

So, thats why is best to think before commenting.

fitpal4242

Great post! It makes me uncomfortable when people comment on my weight (soo- you noticed how fat I was before) and for that reason and the ones mentioned above, I never, ever comment on someone's weight unless they bring it up.

RachelElser

Unless i know the person REALLY well, like they have told me they are trying to lose weight, I never mention it out of fear it is a side effect of something terrible (like the OP said). Or I don't want people to think I am looking at them like a creeper!

Montepulciano

A lovely, well-crafted and honest post. Thank you for reminding me that I do it for me, and that it is not the most interesting part of me.

hanksmom79

Such a great post and lots I'm going to take to heart. Especially after an instance the other day where I saw someone I work out with after she had been away for several weeks. I told her how skinny she was getting *cringe* and she responded that she had recently had surgery and been unable to keep food down for weeks. I felt so terrible and this instance + your post have me convinced to keep my congratulations to myself going forward.

CalorieCountChocula

A good rule of thumb when dealing with almost ANYTHING people say is to chalk it up to small talk. Most, but not all, people have a need to fill silence and an instinct to actively think of things to engage others about. Whether it's "hey, hot outside isn't it?" or "hey, have you lost weight?" Either way, don't over analyze or make it more than it is.

sunnybeaches105

Oh, look, the weather today sure is beautiful!

hypodonthaveme

Love the post.