Things You Don't Want to Hear
onemorelardo
Posts: 26 Member
I had a loss this morning and, man, was I excited about it. I nearly broke my fingers to get on MFP to log the loss. After that, I called my wife to let her know that I had lost weight and she replied...
"[snicker] Good lord, you're like a girl, constantly weighing yourself."
This has been HARD! I'm working my butt off for this! Now, I'm going to be reluctant to share news of any more losses with her. The problem is, she's my only support and I really liked talking to her about my progress. I didn't realize that I had been bugging her.
I may talk to her about it after work and let her know that it kind of hurt my feelings.
"[snicker] Good lord, you're like a girl, constantly weighing yourself."
This has been HARD! I'm working my butt off for this! Now, I'm going to be reluctant to share news of any more losses with her. The problem is, she's my only support and I really liked talking to her about my progress. I didn't realize that I had been bugging her.
I may talk to her about it after work and let her know that it kind of hurt my feelings.
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Replies
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or find a new wife-1
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She's pregnant. She gets a bit of a pass. She's the light of my life. I just didn't know that my sharing with her was agitating her.1
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jaredlrice wrote: »I had a loss this morning and, man, was I excited about it. I nearly broke my fingers to get on MFP to log the loss. After that, I called my wife to let her know that I had lost weight and she replied...
"[snicker] Good lord, you're like a girl, constantly weighing yourself."
This has been HARD! I'm working my butt off for this! Now, I'm going to be reluctant to share news of any more losses with her. The problem is, she's my only support and I really liked talking to her about my progress. I didn't realize that I had been bugging her.
I may talk to her about it after work and let her know that it kind of hurt my feelings.
Definitely talk to her about it, in a nice way, but firmly let her know she can be a bit more supportive and not make fun of you for putting forth the effort that will not only benefit you, but her as well.
I know she'll say "I was just kidding." But in humor there is some truth. So I would point that out to her. You may be a bit obsessed with it, but it's for a good purpose.
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I think you should talk to her. She might have thought she was making a light hearted joke without realizing that a comment like that hurts your feelings and downplays your progress.7
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jaredlrice wrote: »She's pregnant. She gets a bit of a pass. She's the light of my life. I just didn't know that my sharing with her was agitating her.
When I was pregnant I was overly emotional and also felt very out of place in my own body. Maybe she's feeling that way, and it's hard for her to feel like she's getting bigger while you're getting smaller. Not to say she SHOULD, but maybe she does.10 -
I've lost and gained weight so many times I'm sure that if I mentioned it to anyone they'd just roll their eyes and say, "yeah, sure, whatever." This time, I've pretty much kept my mouth shut and now 42 pounds lighter, people notice, my hubby is amazed at how I've done this, and because I'm still just doing this for myself I don't say much or expect much from others.0
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In real life, most people really don't care about whether you lose weight or not. You'd like to think they do, but talking about successes in life to other people usually doesn't inspire them to do better than what they are doing now. In fact for many, it makes them feel bad about themselves.
You're much better off just doing it yourself and letting them give you the compliments instead of tooting your own horn to them.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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She could be jealous. Especially if she's pregnant. Every day she's getting bigger and probably wants nothing to do with exercise. Then she hears about you bettering yourself and probably kind of resents it. You're definitely right to give her a pass. I wouldn't talk to her anymore about your workout wins. You might want to keep that to this forum or other friends that are in the same boat.4
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Hi,
First time poster so please, go easy on me as I will be replying as more of a devil's advocate.
From what you are saying, I feel that she does support you, correct? Spouses are a great resource, especially if you don't have the benefit of a larger support group locally, though, you have us the MFP community, which is showing itself to be quite extraordinary!
If this is an issue, you should always be able to talk freely with your spouse. I do feel though that you may be inflating this a bit as you are in the moment and may be a bit fired up.
My husband used to do the same thing, and yes, it did get annoying, and I know for a fact I said the same thing to him on a few occasions. In my heart it felt like he was a bit obsessive about that number and it was hard to watch him go through so many mood swings dependent on what it said. Just my experience and a bit heartbreaking at times.
Be easy on yourself, but this is your journey, not hers, so also be easy on her, your best friend and partner in crime
Great work so far and I wish you the best with the rest of your journey.2 -
My husband lost 65 pounds and he never disclosed one thing to me about his journey. He never mentioned how hard, how much, how he was not succeeding, struggling, nor did he ever need me to give him one cheer to get him through. Did I care? Of course, I could see right before my eyes what was happening.
I thought that men in general go off in their own world and choose not discuss it as if they did, this means that they have to talk about their feelings.. LOL
So if you generally talk (espcially about your feelings) then you should def talk to her, otherwise she is probably not looking for you to call her at work like that and surely she was lightheartedly joking with you as being a man this would not be broadcast news. Just my experience being married 17 years.0 -
jaredlrice wrote: »I may talk to her about it after work and let her know that it kind of hurt my feelings.
Or, you could just not constantly talk about your diet and your weight loss with her.
You have to come to the realization that your weight loss struggles and progress are not nearly as interesting to other people as they are to you. You are in the throes of your own struggle, but other people have their struggles. Don't have an expectation that they are going to feel as excited or as dejected as you feel when you triumph or when you fall. I'm sorry. That's just how it is. If you shut up about the small stuff you are dealing with, then, eventually, when your weight loss progresses to such a degree that it is noticeable by others, they will compliment you in their own time. Don't push it.
Your wife, especially, is dealing with her own issues of pregnancy: concerns about the health of the pregnancy, concerns about eating healthfully for the baby, concerns about her own weight and body changes. I'm sure that there have been moments during this pregnancy journey that you have had an internal reaction not dissimilar to your wife's (e.g. "Ugh. She's obsessing about XYZ."). If you haven't reached that point in the pregnancy, wait for it. You probably will. Just don't express it out loud, the way your wife did with your weight loss.
If you need to toot your own horn, or wallow in disappointment about your weight loss journey, come on to MFP and crow or vent to your MFP friends or on the forum. If you don't have MFPals, get some.
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Queenmunchy wrote: »jaredlrice wrote: »She's pregnant. She gets a bit of a pass. She's the light of my life. I just didn't know that my sharing with her was agitating her.
When I was pregnant I was overly emotional and also felt very out of place in my own body. Maybe she's feeling that way, and it's hard for her to feel like she's getting bigger while you're getting smaller. Not to say she SHOULD, but maybe she does.
You're probably right. I most likely need to back off on reporting successes and just focus on the bigger ones.0 -
Thank goodness my husband can take a joke and vice versa. I cannot imagine otherwise.3
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I thought that men in general go off in their own world and choose not discuss it as if they did, this means that they have to talk about their feelings.. LOL
Not me. We've both been in past relationships that went south because of a lack of communication. We share our thoughts and feelings with each other so we don't end up being angry and separating over something that could have been fixed if we had just talked about it.
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Queenmunchy wrote: »jaredlrice wrote: »She's pregnant. She gets a bit of a pass. She's the light of my life. I just didn't know that my sharing with her was agitating her.
When I was pregnant I was overly emotional and also felt very out of place in my own body. Maybe she's feeling that way, and it's hard for her to feel like she's getting bigger while you're getting smaller. Not to say she SHOULD, but maybe she does.
This....0 -
jaredlrice wrote: »I thought that men in general go off in their own world and choose not discuss it as if they did, this means that they have to talk about their feelings.. LOL
Not me. We've both been in past relationships that went south because of a lack of communication. We share our thoughts and feelings with each other so we don't end up being angry and separating over something that could have been fixed if we had just talked about it.
I get that. We too have been from past ex's. But in the end, my husband has is pride, and if I even try to delve in that a little bit, he puts his man hat on quickly.
I really think that she was lightheartedly joking with you then. I know mine would plastered all sorts of jokes and me calling him at work like that. And it would be a great funny moment shared between us..
But what brought you here in the community to talk about it? Why not just ask her about it?0 -
Congrats on your loss! Pregnant of not, your wife needs to support you. You should let her know your feelings were hurt. Maybe you can talk about how often she would like to hear your progress? Work on that and continue the good work you are doing with your weight loss and your overall communication with your wife. You are sweet to give her a pass. Congrats again on your weight loss and the baby!3
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You had a post the other day saying that you've lost 15 pounds in a month and were disappointed with those results. I get the impression that you are somewhat obsessed with your scale weight. Living with somebody who is obsessed with something like that can be exhausting and annoying. Sounds like your wife was trying to bring some levity to the situation.3
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I'd find it kind of odd if a SO called me at work to tell me he weighed himself and lost weight. Daily or weekly weight loss isn't really this monumental thing -- especially if you've been consistently losing weight as 15 lb in a month suggests -- that it needs to be treated with fanfare, IMO. I get being happy that the scale went down, as I always am, but when I was regularly losing weight I logged it on MFP but didn't announce it to anyone else. To me, being supportive is understanding that I'm cutting calories and not bugging me to eat more or insisting that social life revolve around food (and understanding when I want to go exercise or plan active activities). Also, being interested to ask what I'm doing, how I'm feeling about it, stuff like that. It's not dropping everything to cheer on a lost lb. If you are thinking she should be doing that, I get why she'd joke about it (seems like a nice hint to you that maybe you are going overboard), and maybe a reality check as to whether you are a little overly self-involved about this?2
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Do talk to her about how her comment made you feel but also cut back on oversharing. As much as her comment hurt you, she was trying to tell you that your "obsession" as she sees it, is overwhelming her. Talk about the baby & how excited you are to be a healthier dad for your child.1
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I called my wife from work. She's a stay at home mom. And message received. Report no more success. Gotcha.0
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jaredlrice wrote: »And message received. Report no more success. Gotcha.
You can still share some, just not all.
I understand both sides. I'm so excited about my new journey but I watch my husband's eyes glaze over when I talk about it.
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Aw, that's sad. Don't listen to all the negative nellies that chime in. Only you know if she was really just joking around or if she was genuinely tired of hearing about it. If she's pregnant, she's likely to be emotional as well. As one poster said, maybe she's frustrated with gaining weight right now.
That doesn't mean you should stop celebrating your successes with her altogether. If you really feel like you need to make an adjustment, then just celebrate every 5 pounds (or whatever milestone you so choose).
At the very least, your plan to talk with her about it is a sound one.0 -
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I haven't read all the responses, but could her remark be that while she is pregnant and gaining baby weight she is self conscious of her appearance and she takes it that you are rubbing it in? Reassure her how beautiful she looks.
It is hurtful, but. Don't let comments stop you. Share other aspects of your journey. Talk about the walk you did or talk about the strength training ( insert what you do) . Share a fun fact that you found out about a food item.
I'm thinking she has some stresses and hormonal issues right now. Especially if she has always been supportive before. Patience my friend. Things will turn around.0 -
In real life, most people really don't care about whether you lose weight or not. You'd like to think they do, but talking about successes in life to other people usually doesn't inspire them to do better than what they are doing now. In fact for many, it makes them feel bad about themselves.
You're much better off just doing it yourself and letting them give you the compliments instead of tooting your own horn to them.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
This 100%
When my husband tells me about how much he's lost, I listen. But I'm really thinking about what I'll eat for dinner, what i need to buy at the store and everything else. I'm just being honest here.0 -
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Or maybe look at actual context before calling people negative nellies.Don't listen to all the negative nellies that chime in.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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jaredlrice wrote: »I called my wife from work. She's a stay at home mom. And message received. Report no more success. Gotcha.
Rather than going from one extreme to the other, why not pick a method in the middle? Report 5 or 10 pound markers or milestone weights?
At the risk of being called a troll or mean, I'm going to point out again that you seem to be a bit obsessive about this process. In your last thread you mentioned that you started working on your weight because of a doctor's appointment in which you found out that your cholesterol was high. You'd lost 15 pounds within a month and were disappointed not to have lost more. Several people pointed out that healthy weight loss is a long term process and your replies seemed to be very terse and insistent that the cholesterol issue was the big problem because you want to be healthy for your family. And yet you continued to worry about not having lost more weight. This thread has given you some input saying that maybe you need to tone it down a bit with the updates and your reply is pretty much fine, I won't give any updates at all. Again, you seem really stressed and obsessive. Is this your first child? I'm wondering if you have some displaced stress related to it.3 -
If she's pregnant, she's hormonal and she's probably feeling bad about her own weight game and/or how her body is changing. I'm sure she didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I'd just let it go. You'll forget about it in a few days and it's not worth bringing up. I'm sure she's happy for your progress...1
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