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"Stop policing my daughter's appetite."

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distinctlybeautiful
distinctlybeautiful Posts: 1,041 Member
in Debate Club
On facebook I follow a company called A Mighty Girl, which describes itself as "the world’s largest collection of books, toys, movies, and music for parents, teachers, and others dedicated to raising smart, confident, and courageous girls and, of course, for girls themselves!"

They recently posted the following link. I thought the article was very interesting and am just curious to hear y'all's thoughts.

http://m.dailylife.com.au/life-and-love/parenting-and-families/stop-policing-my-daughters-appetite-20140423-373ur.html
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Replies

  • mommarnurse
    mommarnurse Posts: 515 Member
    edited July 2016
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    ninerbuff wrote: »
    IMO, women have it tough. Social media, fashion magazines, Hollywood, etc. seem to dictate how a woman should look, what they wear, how they eat, etc.
    And what makes it even tougher is that it's usually women telling other women this. All most men care about is if women are just willing to have sex with them.

    A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
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    Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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    So true. & the expectation put out by the media and perpetuated by women is unattainable.

    My 7 year old daughter pointed out to Me today "mommy, your workout pants are on inside out" after I got back from a fitness and yoga class at the gym. I said, "honey, that's okay. I don't care." She said "that's cause you don't care what people think of you, it's not your problem"

    Sadly, her perception will probably be rewritten by the media within the next 2 years...
  • mommarnurse
    mommarnurse Posts: 515 Member
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    Jruzer wrote: »
    Not having any daughters or sisters I don't have a lot of direct comments. From observing my wife and my mother, though, it seems to me that women are usually much more critical of each other and of their families. Case in point: a few years ago I shared a photo of myself on a glorious backpacking trip with my older sons. We were climbing a mountain and I was proud that we did it. My mom's first reaction? "Looks like you've gained some weight." After that I told her I would not be discussing my weight with her any more.

    And societal pressure affect men and boys too, just in different ways. I think boys have a lot of pressure to eat like manly men - it's impressive to put away a lot of food. You should eat like a lumberjack or a marine; it's dainty or effeminate to eat too little. In retrospect this expectation was part of my mindset when I was heavier. Yeah, I was fat, but it's kind of OK because I can really pack it away.

    The problem is that you should only eat like a lumberjack or marine If you actually are as physically active as one of them. People these days are not! (Or they are but only for periods of their life then don't adjust)
  • tomteboda
    tomteboda Posts: 2,171 Member
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    mommarnurse wrote: »

    My 7 year old daughter pointed out to Me today "mommy, your workout pants are on inside out" after I got back from a fitness and yoga class at the gym. I said, "honey, that's okay. I don't care." She said "that's cause you don't care what people think of you, it's not your problem"

    Sadly, her perception will probably be rewritten by the media within the next 2 years...

    I wish my 6 year old nephew was so sanguine. He policed me on my choice to wear a 2-piece swimming suit. He called it "scandalous" and was aghast that I didn't cover up. "It's so awkward"

    Sigh.
  • nvmomketo
    nvmomketo Posts: 12,019 Member
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    Yikes. I can't imagine. The nerve of a stranger coming up to someone and commenting on their food. That's bizarre.
  • distinctlybeautiful
    distinctlybeautiful Posts: 1,041 Member
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    ninerbuff wrote: »
    IMO, women have it tough. Social media, fashion magazines, Hollywood, etc. seem to dictate how a woman should look, what they wear, how they eat, etc.
    And what makes it even tougher is that it's usually women telling other women this. All most men care about is if women are just willing to have sex with them.

    I think I disagree that it's mainly women holding women up to these impossible beauty standards. I think, yeah, women play a big role, but one can't deny the prevalence of women presented as sex objects and/or as eye candy in the media in the most unnecessary places - and these women tend to have a particular look or body type. Whether or not men only care about sex in their personal lives, there's a general public display of wanting a woman who meets a certain standard of beauty. I think men play a big role in perpetuating it too. That's all I'm getting at.
    Zipp237 wrote: »
    I dislike the idea of girls needing to be raised a certain way because they're girls and girls require something special if they're to be smart and confident. "Poor little girls, we have to do special things for them or else they'll end up as dingbats because that is what girls naturally do!" It's hogwash of the highest order.

    Don't buy into the idea that girls aren't every bit as good as boys. You don't need a special site to teach you how to raise a girl. Assume that she isn't less than a boy and she will, too. She will naturally know it because it's true.

    I agree that there shouldn't be a difference in the way parents treat and raise boys and girls, but I've studied a little bit on gender roles and gender socialization. People inadvertently and unconsciously treat boys and girls differently, whether they have a bias or not, so I think it becomes necessary to bring these differences to light in order to correct and/or avoid them.
    errollmaclean wrote: »
    Sounds like a complete over reaction that shows the preocupation, focus and bias of the mother. In all likelyhood the stranger wasn't commenting on the eating habits of her daughter, but playfully teasing in a "Oh wow, lucky you" kind of way. Occam's razor. She even says it was meant in a kind way. The only judgement is made up in her own head. Bizarre.

    I can see this. I also find myself thinking, though, that context matters, and I'm not sure intent matters if it's a recurring thing. What I mean is that if she hears this sort of thing all the time, even if the intent is never malicious or negative, the repetitive message and effect might still be harmful.
  • 4legsRbetterthan2
    4legsRbetterthan2 Posts: 19,590 MFP Moderator
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    I think the mother is being a little bit over sensitive in this instance, but I can see why she might have concerns. Unfortunately, all too often the response in situations like this is to make some post trying to police the entire world and what they can think and say to one another, which is just impossible and useless in my opinion. Instead of writing some blog about it, I think a parents time is better spent teaching their kids to listen, evaluate, and think for themselves. There will always be someone out there saying something you don't agree with and/or don't want to hear, and the best thing you can teach your kids is to live with that while still holding true to their own thoughts/beliefs and being happy with who they are.
  • kshama2001
    kshama2001 Posts: 27,905 Member
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    35dollars wrote: »
    Some valid points about other people commenting on what someone else is eating... but she completely lost me when she talked about self-regulating diet - has she never seen a child gorge themselves to the point of sickness on chocolate, cake or ice cream? Or noticed the huge number of over-weight people who have "listened to their bodies" and consistently over-eaten beyond maintenance level because their body is telling them how enjoyable the food is?

    Sure, I have clear memories of gorging myself on Girl Scout Cookies when I was a GS (and an adult, lol) and on Halloween candy. I love the stories of parents who have their kids select a few Halloween candies and give the rest to charity.
  • TheBigFb
    TheBigFb Posts: 649 Member
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    Yeah Id agree, very intersting article, and very valid points

    Well actually I am lying I read the first line and then lost interest, most people will do the same with this post.
  • jaredmcfitness
    jaredmcfitness Posts: 14 Member
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    I COMPLETELY agree with the article--both for men and women. (Point of fact, someone brought donuts into my office today and as I went to look at them two male co-workers said, "You don't need that," and a third said, "Want to split one?") Why is it okay to comment on other people's dietary choices? It's as if society says it's okay to be nosy and obtrusive if it's "for the good of the person you're correcting." My body, my food, my choices. Worry about your own food. It's slightly different if I have a relationship with someone, like my wife or my good friends. But even then, what they say and how they say it is very important. I've had friends ask my advice, at which point I'll give it. But I usually hold back until then. I think a lot of people are taking offense to the article because so many MFPers enjoy being nosy and obtrusive.
  • wackyfunster
    wackyfunster Posts: 944 Member
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    distinctlybeautiful wrote: »
    ninerbuff wrote: »
    IMO, women have it tough. Social media, fashion magazines, Hollywood, etc. seem to dictate how a woman should look, what they wear, how they eat, etc.
    And what makes it even tougher is that it's usually women telling other women this. All most men care about is if women are just willing to have sex with them.

    I think I disagree that it's mainly women holding women up to these impossible beauty standards. I think, yeah, women play a big role, but one can't deny the prevalence of women presented as sex objects and/or as eye candy in the media in the most unnecessary places - and these women tend to have a particular look or body type. Whether or not men only care about sex in their personal lives, there's a general public display of wanting a woman who meets a certain standard of beauty. I think men play a big role in perpetuating it too. That's all I'm getting at

    The average woman in a men's magazine is a size 8, which is very attainable for most women. In women's magazines the average is size 0, which is not. The standards that other women and casting agencies (casting agents being almost exclusively female) have for women are VERY different than the standards that men have.

  • jaredmcfitness
    jaredmcfitness Posts: 14 Member
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    There's an excellent podcast about this very topic, if anyone is interested in hearing a life coach and weight loss coach talk about it. Brooke Castillo's Episode 18, "Weight Loss" on The Life Coach School. www.thelifecoachschool/18/
  • Lounmoun
    Lounmoun Posts: 8,426 Member
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    My female and parenting experiences and point of view have been different than that of the author. It may be more of a regional/cultural issue.
    I don't remember anyone ever telling me or my daughter not to eat something. I remember people at various points trying to get me to eat a food or asking if I was ill or on a diet if my portion was smaller. I never really felt judged or criticized over food-except my mom thinking soup for breakfast was weird- but probably was encouraged to eat much more than I needed very often.
    My female friends have never asked me to police their food choices or made pacts not to eat. We all eat pretty freely in front of everyone and don't talk diets. The ones who talk about food often do so because they like to cook and eat.
    I think the image of children listening to their appetite and trusting their choices is false. We are all guided on what, when and how to eat from the time we begin to eat solid foods.
    My dd was very poor at recognizing she was hungry as a younger child. Very few young children can listen to their bodies and act on what they are feeling appropriately. We told dd she had to eat before we left the house or she'd have a massive meltdown from hunger later. If you had asked her if she was hungry she would have said no. She wouldn't ask for a snack if she became slightly peckish while playing later. She wasn't great at thinking ahead, judging how much was a good portion size, what choices would meet her needs well for a very long time. We taught her to recognize what she was feeling as hunger, that we ate collectively at regular intervals because it is not convenient for everyone to stop, prepare food and eat whenever the feeling strikes them individually, and that she should eat a turkey sandwich instead of cake and ice cream for lunch.

    I do know people are out there self righteously sipping their organic kale smoothie looking extremely harshly at the contents of other people's grocery carts or what parents feed their kids... particularly if the other shopper/parent/child is poor/overweight. People should stop doing that.
  • 3dogsrunning
    3dogsrunning Posts: 27,167 Member
    edited July 2016
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    Lounmoun wrote: »
    My female and parenting experiences and point of view have been different than that of the author. It may be more of a regional/cultural issue.
    I don't remember anyone ever telling me or my daughter not to eat something. I remember people at various points trying to get me to eat a food or asking if I was ill or on a diet if my portion was smaller. I never really felt judged or criticized over food-except my mom thinking soup for breakfast was weird- but probably was encouraged to eat much more than I needed very often.
    My female friends have never asked me to police their food choices or made pacts not to eat. We all eat pretty freely in front of everyone and don't talk diets. The ones who talk about food often do so because they like to cook and eat.

    Me neither.

    The only instance I recall - I was out to dinner with my an ex boyfriend and another couple that were friends of his. We went to a fancy restaurant where they cut your steak right there for you. The food was awesome. As I was about to finish off my last bite, her boyfriend looked at her and asked if there was anything wrong with the food. She had only eaten about half. She responded by saying it was very good but she wanted to be ladylike and not eat too much.
    I shrugged and finished my steak.

    I don't understand why the author would go out with a group of women and agree to not eat if that wasn't what she wanted. She assumes other people probably went through the drive thru afterwards, why not just be the one to speak up and say "hey, I'd like to eat".

    ETA - also regarding the food scent thing - I thought that was because food stuff smells good not to satisfy our appetite.

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