Tell me I'm fat...
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Self perception is my struggle. I've lost over 70 lbs since last March. I can see the difference in clothes (from 20W to 8 misses). Lots of people tell me I'm "tiny". But all I see is the 50 lbs I still need to lose, the fat rolls in my belly and my bingo-wing arms. I still feel fat even though many I encounter give me praise and want to know how I'm losing so much.
I also worry about the relationship evolution. My significant other jokes that I will leave him when I am fit. He is disabled so losing weight is more difficult for him and exercise is not an option. I know he is joking, but in the back of my mind I keep the saying "Behind every joke is a grain of truth." So I wonder if he really feels that way deep inside.
Size 8 is a desirable size for many women. I would take their complements seriously.
Your husband is probably sad that he can't keep up with you now that you are getting fitter and getting more attention from men.1 -
I think being pro-FA and also wanting to lose weight can go hand in hand; in fact, I think they often do. As strange/cliche as it sounds, I had to accept who I was before I was happy enough about myself to get that motivation to lose weight. Losing weight is a form of self-improvement just like anything else, and the shame that comes with not being able to accept or like who you are makes you less likely to actually want to improve yourself.
I find it hilarious when people start criticizing the FA movement or talking about how not okay being obese is because it's unhealthy actually, because those people are so focused on making sure other people know that they don't think they're good enough that they really show their true colors. I've never seen these same people show any concern for a fat person beyond "your weight isn't okay in my opinion and it's important that you know it because I caaaaaare", or ever say a word about anyone who's not fat and the various physically/mentally unhealthy attitudes those people engage in every day as well. Once it goes beyond what they can see with their eyes, they're mysteriously silent because it requires more effort to judge someone by something beyond how much fat they have and they're concerned for us but not concerned enough to put effort into learning who we are, what influences us, what makes us happy, etc.5 -
Body acceptance is important. I think the smaller a person gets the more attention is paid to other little imperfections. We are never quite happy with everything about ourselves because people are always comparing and judging against some kind of unrealistic standards. Confidence. attention to clothing style for body type, and grooming are what makes a person more attractive, IMO.
Many of the looks are just fads. For instance, if a more Rubenesque body were to be in vogue, and guys were going gaga over the look, then people would be working to put in a few more pounds.
At this stage of my life I'm happy to be in a normal BMI range. I used to want to attain someone else's idea of attractiveness, but now I do the best I can. That doesn't stop me from trying to edge the scale down a few notches though to stay out of overweight zone. But I respect anyone trying to lose pounds because it is a huge, long term commitment.3 -
I was unhappy about my obese status. I wasn't unhappy overall. I'm now happy about my weight. I am now more happy overall.
I guess there are people out there who don't experience a net increase in happiness when they reach their goal. That's too bad. It's a shame to not be able to be proud of an accomplishment or to have the joy of that accomplishment overshadowed by other emotional baggage.0 -
I was unhappy about my obese status. I wasn't unhappy overall. I'm now happy about my weight. I am now more happy overall.
I guess there are people out there who don't experience a net increase in happiness when they reach their goal. That's too bad. It's a shame to not be able to be proud of an accomplishment or to have the joy of that accomplishment overshadowed by other emotional baggage.
Deep breath. Consider where other people may be coming from; one or many of the following may apply to any individual (and others I haven't thought of).
1. Their being overweight may not have caused unhappiness itself.
2. They may be losing weight for medical reasons.
3. They may have been emotionally stable and happy to begin with.
4. They may have other mental illness issues or life situations that impact their happiness far more than their weight.
5. They may have given up other valuable things in their life to achieve that goal. Time and money are finite resources. There are things that are productive and valuable to me that are MUCH harder to find time do now that I spend 1.5 hours a day walking.
You can be proud of an accomplishment without that making a big impact in your joy or happiness. I'm proud of the business I built in four years, going from -0- to over $1 million in sales. I'm proud of the research I've done and my achievements as a scientist. But those things are not my core identity as a person, and as such do not define my happiness. Similarly, having lost 95 lbs mostly makes me feel *relieved*. Not proud, and neither happy or sad. That's not emotional baggage, it's actually having perspective about what's important to me in my life.6 -
I'm fat. I'm one of those people that makes friends or couples look at each other when I come "lumbering" down the aisle (and if you think it's something myself and others like me don't notice, you'd be very, very wrong.) I started at 465 at the start of July, I was 451 at the start of this month and I have an over all aim of getting down to 250. Which means I'll still be fat, but I will be healthier and more active which is the only thing that I care about.
I am also a big believer in body positivity and size acceptance. I find it tragic that so many people genuinely dislike themselves because of their size or their looks. I hate that we live in a society where someone's worth as a person, how much respect and kindness we give them, is often dictated by their weight and size. I especially despise the trend of concern-trolling I see on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram whereby total strangers think it's ok to tell someone they're going to die because they're fat, they're going to have an unhealthy pregnancy because they're fat, they should lose weight because heart disease/diabetes/cancer, etc. as if they're doing fat folk a kindness by announcing this to them out of no where, without ever being asked their opinion.
That said, I believe morbid obesity is an eating disorder not unlike anorexia or bulimia. Unfortunately a lot of other body positive and size acceptance activists don't seem to feel the same way. I am not as fat as I am because I have a healthy relationship with food. I might not have actively sought out to be this big in the same way anorexic people try to be thin, but I am absolutely certain there are as many psychological reasons behind why I'm fat as why they're underweight.5 -
I was unhappy about my obese status. I wasn't unhappy overall. I'm now happy about my weight. I am now more happy overall.
I guess there are people out there who don't experience a net increase in happiness when they reach their goal. That's too bad. It's a shame to not be able to be proud of an accomplishment or to have the joy of that accomplishment overshadowed by other emotional baggage.
Deep breath. Consider where other people may be coming from; one or many of the following may apply to any individual (and others I haven't thought of).
1. Their being overweight may not have caused unhappiness itself.
2. They may be losing weight for medical reasons.
3. They may have been emotionally stable and happy to begin with.
4. They may have other mental illness issues or life situations that impact their happiness far more than their weight.
5. They may have given up other valuable things in their life to achieve that goal. Time and money are finite resources. There are things that are productive and valuable to me that are MUCH harder to find time do now that I spend 1.5 hours a day walking.
You can be proud of an accomplishment without that making a big impact in your joy or happiness. I'm proud of the business I built in four years, going from -0- to over $1 million in sales. I'm proud of the research I've done and my achievements as a scientist. But those things are not my core identity as a person, and as such do not define my happiness. Similarly, having lost 95 lbs mostly makes me feel *relieved*. Not proud, and neither happy or sad. That's not emotional baggage, it's actually having perspective about what's important to me in my life.
Take another deep breath to contain your distain for my post.
My last paragraph applies to your 1-5. "I guess there are some people out there that don't experience a net increase in happiness when they reach their goal."
Your second paragraph is just a bunch of humble bragging and an attempt to apply my generalized statement to your specific situation. You shouldn't have done that; it just caused you to feel offended where no offense existed.
Congratulations on your success.
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Humble brags are the best. They always make me laugh.0
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I was unhappy about my obese status. I wasn't unhappy overall. I'm now happy about my weight. I am now more happy overall.
I guess there are people out there who don't experience a net increase in happiness when they reach their goal. That's too bad. It's a shame to not be able to be proud of an accomplishment or to have the joy of that accomplishment overshadowed by other emotional baggage.
Deep breath. Consider where other people may be coming from; one or many of the following may apply to any individual (and others I haven't thought of).
1. Their being overweight may not have caused unhappiness itself.
2. They may be losing weight for medical reasons.
3. They may have been emotionally stable and happy to begin with.
4. They may have other mental illness issues or life situations that impact their happiness far more than their weight.
5. They may have given up other valuable things in their life to achieve that goal. Time and money are finite resources. There are things that are productive and valuable to me that are MUCH harder to find time do now that I spend 1.5 hours a day walking.
You can be proud of an accomplishment without that making a big impact in your joy or happiness. I'm proud of the business I built in four years, going from -0- to over $1 million in sales. I'm proud of the research I've done and my achievements as a scientist. But those things are not my core identity as a person, and as such do not define my happiness. Similarly, having lost 95 lbs mostly makes me feel *relieved*. Not proud, and neither happy or sad. That's not emotional baggage, it's actually having perspective about what's important to me in my life.
Take another deep breath to contain your distain for my post.
My last paragraph applies to your 1-5. "I guess there are some people out there that don't experience a net increase in happiness when they reach their goal."
Your second paragraph is just a bunch of humble bragging and an attempt to apply my generalized statement to your specific situation. You shouldn't have done that; it just caused you to feel offended where no offense existed.
Congratulations on your success.
You directly stated that "it's too bad" that some people don't get happier overall from losing weight, and then infer that it means they either don't take pride in the weight loss, or that they have some kind of emotional baggage. It's flawed logic - you can take pride in something without it having any noticeable effect on your overall life happiness, and that doesn't require emotional baggage to be true.4 -
rankinsect wrote: »I was unhappy about my obese status. I wasn't unhappy overall. I'm now happy about my weight. I am now more happy overall.
I guess there are people out there who don't experience a net increase in happiness when they reach their goal. That's too bad. It's a shame to not be able to be proud of an accomplishment or to have the joy of that accomplishment overshadowed by other emotional baggage.
Deep breath. Consider where other people may be coming from; one or many of the following may apply to any individual (and others I haven't thought of).
1. Their being overweight may not have caused unhappiness itself.
2. They may be losing weight for medical reasons.
3. They may have been emotionally stable and happy to begin with.
4. They may have other mental illness issues or life situations that impact their happiness far more than their weight.
5. They may have given up other valuable things in their life to achieve that goal. Time and money are finite resources. There are things that are productive and valuable to me that are MUCH harder to find time do now that I spend 1.5 hours a day walking.
You can be proud of an accomplishment without that making a big impact in your joy or happiness. I'm proud of the business I built in four years, going from -0- to over $1 million in sales. I'm proud of the research I've done and my achievements as a scientist. But those things are not my core identity as a person, and as such do not define my happiness. Similarly, having lost 95 lbs mostly makes me feel *relieved*. Not proud, and neither happy or sad. That's not emotional baggage, it's actually having perspective about what's important to me in my life.
Take another deep breath to contain your distain for my post.
My last paragraph applies to your 1-5. "I guess there are some people out there that don't experience a net increase in happiness when they reach their goal."
Your second paragraph is just a bunch of humble bragging and an attempt to apply my generalized statement to your specific situation. You shouldn't have done that; it just caused you to feel offended where no offense existed.
Congratulations on your success.
You directly stated that "it's too bad" that some people don't get happier overall from losing weight, and then infer that it means they either don't take pride in the weight loss, or that they have some kind of emotional baggage. It's flawed logic - you can take pride in something without it having any noticeable effect on your overall life happiness, and that doesn't require emotional baggage to be true.
Some people. Not all people.
Some people that might feel happiness at achieving their loss might also have emotional baggage that prevents them from enjoying it. Or is that something that is impossible and has never happened?
It's not a logic flaw. It's a difference of perspective. From my perspective, pride and happiness aren't separate things, they are indelibly intertwined. Your perspective and that of the person that quoted me obviously have a different perspective and believe that those two emotions are separate entities that one does not affect the other. And since there is not objective standard to assess these subjective emotions, we're at an impass.
And I don't think I'm too big of a jerk for having the personal feeling that it's "too bad" when someone's happiness doesn't increase from accomplishing something both difficult and life changing. I tend to hope that people, even ones I don't personally know, are happy. /shrug
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rankinsect wrote: »I was unhappy about my obese status. I wasn't unhappy overall. I'm now happy about my weight. I am now more happy overall.
I guess there are people out there who don't experience a net increase in happiness when they reach their goal. That's too bad. It's a shame to not be able to be proud of an accomplishment or to have the joy of that accomplishment overshadowed by other emotional baggage.
Deep breath. Consider where other people may be coming from; one or many of the following may apply to any individual (and others I haven't thought of).
1. Their being overweight may not have caused unhappiness itself.
2. They may be losing weight for medical reasons.
3. They may have been emotionally stable and happy to begin with.
4. They may have other mental illness issues or life situations that impact their happiness far more than their weight.
5. They may have given up other valuable things in their life to achieve that goal. Time and money are finite resources. There are things that are productive and valuable to me that are MUCH harder to find time do now that I spend 1.5 hours a day walking.
You can be proud of an accomplishment without that making a big impact in your joy or happiness. I'm proud of the business I built in four years, going from -0- to over $1 million in sales. I'm proud of the research I've done and my achievements as a scientist. But those things are not my core identity as a person, and as such do not define my happiness. Similarly, having lost 95 lbs mostly makes me feel *relieved*. Not proud, and neither happy or sad. That's not emotional baggage, it's actually having perspective about what's important to me in my life.
Take another deep breath to contain your distain for my post.
My last paragraph applies to your 1-5. "I guess there are some people out there that don't experience a net increase in happiness when they reach their goal."
Your second paragraph is just a bunch of humble bragging and an attempt to apply my generalized statement to your specific situation. You shouldn't have done that; it just caused you to feel offended where no offense existed.
Congratulations on your success.
You directly stated that "it's too bad" that some people don't get happier overall from losing weight, and then infer that it means they either don't take pride in the weight loss, or that they have some kind of emotional baggage. It's flawed logic - you can take pride in something without it having any noticeable effect on your overall life happiness, and that doesn't require emotional baggage to be true.
Some people. Not all people.
Some people that might feel happiness at achieving their loss might also have emotional baggage that prevents them from enjoying it. Or is that something that is impossible and has never happened?
It's not a logic flaw. It's a difference of perspective. From my perspective, pride and happiness aren't separate things, they are indelibly intertwined. Your perspective and that of the person that quoted me obviously have a different perspective and believe that those two emotions are separate entities that one does not affect the other. And since there is not objective standard to assess these subjective emotions, we're at an impass.
And I don't think I'm too big of a jerk for having the personal feeling that it's "too bad" when someone's happiness doesn't increase from accomplishing something both difficult and life changing. I tend to hope that people, even ones I don't personally know, are happy. /shrug
Well, it's fair to say that I'm happy about losing weight. And I am happy overall, but I was happy overall before.
I guess for me - while weight loss was long and at times challenging, it hasn't been life changing. Certainly, sometimes it has been a benefit - I can fit in airline seats without oozing over the armrests, I can shop in normal clothing stores - and I'm glad that I am more fit & can accomplish my hobbies, but for the most part life changed very little. My weight didn't have a significant negative impact before, nor does it have a significant positive one now.
Like with many other things, I can be happy about this without it having any significant effect on how happy I am with life as a whole.3 -
The whole topic of being fat is incredibly complex for me. I hate being fat. It stops me from doing the things I want to do. I love to travel, yet I have to spend a lot of money to fly because I want extra space so I don't impinge on my skinny neighbors. I love theater and ballet, yet I have the constant worry of whether or not I'll fit in seats. I am a fat physician, so I am constantly wondering if my colleagues think negatively of me and judge me as less competent because of the way I look.
And worse, I hate fat because I have the medical knowledge to know that I'm harming myself. I am only 39 and I have high blood pressure. I'm lucky that I don't have high cholesterol or diabetes or fatty liver.
Being morbidly obese sucks for me. I'm working hard on changing (lost almost 60 lbs) but it is going to be a constant struggle for me for the rest of my life. I know this, because I've gained and lost so much weight in my life.
And while I disagree with the HAES, because I know that being morbidly obese sets you up for a ton of health issues down the line, I do believe I need to work on not hating myself. I'm a nice person, who works hard and treats others well. Being fat does not make me a less worthy person, even though I sometimes feel that way. It's an issue that I need to correct, but skinny folks can have issues too (they just might not wear theirs for the world to see). And I don't need anyone to tell me to lose weight, or how unhealthy it is to be fat. Trust me, I know. I think about it every single day.2 -
rankinsect wrote: »rankinsect wrote: »I was unhappy about my obese status. I wasn't unhappy overall. I'm now happy about my weight. I am now more happy overall.
I guess there are people out there who don't experience a net increase in happiness when they reach their goal. That's too bad. It's a shame to not be able to be proud of an accomplishment or to have the joy of that accomplishment overshadowed by other emotional baggage.
Deep breath. Consider where other people may be coming from; one or many of the following may apply to any individual (and others I haven't thought of).
1. Their being overweight may not have caused unhappiness itself.
2. They may be losing weight for medical reasons.
3. They may have been emotionally stable and happy to begin with.
4. They may have other mental illness issues or life situations that impact their happiness far more than their weight.
5. They may have given up other valuable things in their life to achieve that goal. Time and money are finite resources. There are things that are productive and valuable to me that are MUCH harder to find time do now that I spend 1.5 hours a day walking.
You can be proud of an accomplishment without that making a big impact in your joy or happiness. I'm proud of the business I built in four years, going from -0- to over $1 million in sales. I'm proud of the research I've done and my achievements as a scientist. But those things are not my core identity as a person, and as such do not define my happiness. Similarly, having lost 95 lbs mostly makes me feel *relieved*. Not proud, and neither happy or sad. That's not emotional baggage, it's actually having perspective about what's important to me in my life.
Take another deep breath to contain your distain for my post.
My last paragraph applies to your 1-5. "I guess there are some people out there that don't experience a net increase in happiness when they reach their goal."
Your second paragraph is just a bunch of humble bragging and an attempt to apply my generalized statement to your specific situation. You shouldn't have done that; it just caused you to feel offended where no offense existed.
Congratulations on your success.
You directly stated that "it's too bad" that some people don't get happier overall from losing weight, and then infer that it means they either don't take pride in the weight loss, or that they have some kind of emotional baggage. It's flawed logic - you can take pride in something without it having any noticeable effect on your overall life happiness, and that doesn't require emotional baggage to be true.
Some people. Not all people.
Some people that might feel happiness at achieving their loss might also have emotional baggage that prevents them from enjoying it. Or is that something that is impossible and has never happened?
It's not a logic flaw. It's a difference of perspective. From my perspective, pride and happiness aren't separate things, they are indelibly intertwined. Your perspective and that of the person that quoted me obviously have a different perspective and believe that those two emotions are separate entities that one does not affect the other. And since there is not objective standard to assess these subjective emotions, we're at an impass.
And I don't think I'm too big of a jerk for having the personal feeling that it's "too bad" when someone's happiness doesn't increase from accomplishing something both difficult and life changing. I tend to hope that people, even ones I don't personally know, are happy. /shrug
Well, it's fair to say that I'm happy about losing weight. And I am happy overall, but I was happy overall before.
I guess for me - while weight loss was long and at times challenging, it hasn't been life changing. Certainly, sometimes it has been a benefit - I can fit in airline seats without oozing over the armrests, I can shop in normal clothing stores - and I'm glad that I am more fit & can accomplish my hobbies, but for the most part life changed very little. My weight didn't have a significant negative impact before, nor does it have a significant positive one now.
Like with many other things, I can be happy about this without it having any significant effect on how happy I am with life as a whole.
Life changing doesn't have to denote something catastrophic or massive. All the bolded are changes in your life.
Why do I get the impression that you want to downplay the impact of your weight loss? Or maybe I'm reading t wrong.
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Take another deep breath to contain your distain for my post.
My last paragraph applies to your 1-5. "I guess there are some people out there that don't experience a net increase in happiness when they reach their goal."
Your second paragraph is just a bunch of humble bragging and an attempt to apply my generalized statement to your specific situation. You shouldn't have done that; it just caused you to feel offended where no offense existed.
Congratulations on your success.
No disdain was intended, I apologize if that's how my response came across to you. Nor was I offended, and I'm sorry that you read my reply that way as well.
I was attempting to give a personal example to a couple of points as to why pride in achievement is not necessarily linked to happiness. Perhaps I should have added that the examples I gave of things which I can reasonably be proud are also both things from which I have voluntarily walked away. This is how I know they are not inextricable to my self-identity nor my happiness. I was simply trying to soften and round out the list with something less coldly analytical and more personally relatable.
I've found it is wise not to ascribe motive, intent, or emotions to other people, because it is difficult to know all of what is going on in their mind and heart.2 -
The whole topic of being fat is incredibly complex for me. I hate being fat. It stops me from doing the things I want to do. I love to travel, yet I have to spend a lot of money to fly because I want extra space so I don't impinge on my skinny neighbors. I love theater and ballet, yet I have the constant worry of whether or not I'll fit in seats. I am a fat physician, so I am constantly wondering if my colleagues think negatively of me and judge me as less competent because of the way I look.
And worse, I hate fat because I have the medical knowledge to know that I'm harming myself. I am only 39 and I have high blood pressure. I'm lucky that I don't have high cholesterol or diabetes or fatty liver.
Being morbidly obese sucks for me. I'm working hard on changing (lost almost 60 lbs) but it is going to be a constant struggle for me for the rest of my life. I know this, because I've gained and lost so much weight in my life.
And while I disagree with the HAES, because I know that being morbidly obese sets you up for a ton of health issues down the line, I do believe I need to work on not hating myself. I'm a nice person, who works hard and treats others well. Being fat does not make me a less worthy person, even though I sometimes feel that way. It's an issue that I need to correct, but skinny folks can have issues too (they just might not wear theirs for the world to see). And I don't need anyone to tell me to lose weight, or how unhealthy it is to be fat. Trust me, I know. I think about it every single day.
Well done on your loss, I can empathise with a lot of your points. I'm acutely aware of impinging on others space (btw London theatres are tiny). I have had some moments of imposter syndrome which is only exacerbated by my issues with my weight being obvious for the world to see.
So far my tests have all been fine but I know it’s just a bit of genetic luck and my age.
I’m not a clinician but I’m actively involved in health care, I was watching cardiac surgery and the surgeons were making comments about some things were harder because this person was so over weight. They were actually smaller than me.
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