Eating Disorder Dangers

MaureenRefior

I don't know if this is the right section of the forum to post this, but I do need support, so I figured I'd put it here. If it should be somewhere else, I'd appreciate the admins either telling me or moving it. Thanks in advance.

Anyway...I was hospitalized for anorexia when I was in my 20's. I'm 5'3", and I was down to 73 lbs. While I was in the hospital, of course, I learned all about bulimia. But I hated the whole "purging" thing. I got out of the hospital and, after a few stumbles, I got healthy (I'm also a recovering addict/alcoholic, but that's another forum altogether). I maintained my weight at around 115 lbs until I was in my 30's. I had two children, and my weight remained steady at 125. I wasn't really happy with the extra 10 lbs., but I was still small enough to shop in the sections of the store that I liked, so it was all good.

When my weight jumped to 130 (while the kids were in pre-school and grammar school), I once again started starving myself and exercising like crazy. But I found that the starvation protocol was making me exhausted and, since I had two children (I was a single parent), a career, and a house to maintain, I started purging. Eventually that made me very sick, and I got therapy. I was once again okay. I thought.

In my 40's, I met the love of my life, and we were happy. I mean, really happy. My weight yo-yoed from 125 to around 140, back and forth over the years that we were together, but he looked at me like a sex goddess and I felt that way (probably because that's what I saw in his eyes).

He passed away a little over a year ago from pancreatic cancer, and I fell into a deep depression. Between the depression and the meds prescribed for it, I ballooned to over 190 lbs. Again, I'm 5'3", so yeah, not good. The fatter I got, the more depressed I got, until finally, this June, I decided to do something about it. I joined Planet Fitness, threw out all of the junk food, and bought a bunch of healthy food. During the month of June, I dropped from 194 to 172. Yay, right?

No. Because in July, the last two weeks of it, my life became a mess, due in large part to my roommate, who is schizophrenic, becoming very, very symptomatic. She was finally hospitalized this past weekend, but while I was trying to take care of her, I stopped taking care of myself. I totally slacked on my workouts and my eating plan, and I went back up to 188.

I've been doing well this week, but I've also been overdoing those "low calorie" snack packs. I have a bunch of them, and my problem is this: I barely eat anything all day, say about 600 calories, and then, around 8 at night, I go to my room and start writing (I journal a lot because I write for a living). While I'm journaling, my hand is constantly creeping into the "snack drawer." I keep telling myself, "Last one," but that inevitably turns into 5.

I haven't started purging. Yet. But I've been considering buying a box of Ex-Lax, and even the THOUGHT of that is dangerous for me. I know that I need to change my eating habits; I know that I need to eat steadily throughout the day, and be mindful while I'm eating. I know I shouldn't have the snacks in my room, where they're so accessible (I live in a community residence right now, and I hate coming downstairs at night, so if I keep the snacks downstairs I probably won't be as inclined to eat them). But the problem is implementing all that.

I'm sorry, I know this is a long post, but I feel like I have to get it all out there before I chicken out. I don't like exposing myself to new people, but I feel so god-awful alone right now. I need support from people who understand what I'm going through. My goals are totally unrealistic (my tracker says lose 2 lbs. a week but I want to lose at least 4 lbs. a week) and I'm just setting myself up for failure.

If there's anyone out there who understands any of this, I'd appreciate a friend request. Thanks for reading.

Gentle Breezes,
Mo

lapierrecyclist

Good for you for being brave enough to post! I'm so sorry for the loss of your beloved, and for the stress of taking care of your roommate. That's a lot for anyone, let alone all in the space of about a year. Do you have the option of going back to therapy for awhile? Or finding a grief specialist?

This year I had a really hard time getting back onto MFP. I finally had to accept for myself that eating junk food drives my cravings, and paradoxically when I do not eat it I do not crave it. What is working for me now is the strategy of eating some protein at pretty much every meal (hardboiled eggs, or yogurt, or a cheese stick, or a roasted chicken thigh and leg, tuna, etc.), and a big helping of soup +salad for dinner several times a week. I make sure I get at least 1000 calories, and set my goal at 1-2 lbs a week. And walk. It's working for me. I hope you'll find what works for you, and know that it is OK to take care of yourself. You are worth it.

vespiquenn

As a bulimia sufferer through my teens and college, you need to seek out professional help again. You are dealing with a lot of external factors that are clearly triggering, and nothing this MFP community can say will remove you from those situations.

It seems like high stress situations seem to trigger an unhealthy relationship with food, so I suggest seeking out coping mechanisms to use. You are restricting yourself too much during the day, causing the binges. Your body need nutrients that you are depriving it, so the consequences mean binges rather than having sensible meals throughout the day. I could say everything like don't purge or buy ex-lax, but the truth is, you're going to do it no matter what people say here if you truly decide to. Been there, done that. But know, you are more than your eating disorder. Weight can always come off, but the damage you are doing to your body through this eating disorder is irreversible.

wonderlandpinup

as someone who has struggledwith bulimia, I can tell you that you really need to each out for help. I will tell you the laxatives are addicting...and painful. I spent a lot of my first year of college hunched over in pain from both laxative abuse, starvation, and purging... because of this I have developed other severe health issues and I'm only in my early 20s. You've already struggled with anorexia in the past. Get help. The acid reflux, the heart palpitations, the constant cramps (which doesn't even begin to describe the twisted feeling) aren't worth it.

MaureenRefior

@lapierrecyclist and @vespiquenn - yes, I'm currently in therapy. I feel like I'm ALWAYS in therapy. Thank you for the tips; I really don't get enough healthy protein. And I am discussing my eating disorder with my therapist; she's been my number one support these past few weeks.

Thank you all for the input.

vespiquenn

MaureenRefior wrote: »

@lapierrecyclist and @vespiquenn - yes, I'm currently in therapy. I feel like I'm ALWAYS in therapy. Thank you for the tips; I really don't get enough healthy protein. And I am discussing my eating disorder with my therapist; she's been my number one support these past few weeks.

Thank you all for the input.

Have you told your therapist that you have all these urges? And although there can be support on here, MFP might not be the best idea until you have it under control due to the nature of the website. Normally I wouldn't jump to a drastic conclusion, but clearly you are not in a good mindset. Work on fitness goals and mental health goals, but losing weight should be secondary to getting a healthy mind at the moment. Even if you lose the weight, your mind will still be in an unhealthy mindset of you were to gain again. Try to get outside and walk, or do other physical activities you enjoy, but counting calories with MFP just might not be a good idea currently.

DuckDuckDucki

First, I am sorry for your loss. I had the orthorexia version of anorexia, and man do I feel your pain. I have been in remission for 17 years and I still struggle with it daily. Makes it worse I got back into martial arts and I have a high competitive streak.

Take it one day at a time, and yes, do talk to your therapist.

MsBuzzkillington

The purging and laxative abuse isn't going to help you lose fat or weight. It's just going to destroy your insides and digestive system. It doesn't help, it doesn't fix anything and it only causes a lot more problems. (These are things I have to tell myself every day).

I would suggest forgetting about weight loss right now, forgetting about MFP, and working on things with your therapist until you can get to a stable enough mindset where you won't try and "self medicate" with eating disorder behaviors. Talk to her. Have her help, that's what she is there for. Tell her everything.

MaureenRefior

I'm beginning to be sorry that I posted this. I'm not going off the deep end; I just thought that, due to the nature of the site, there might be others out there who are in the same boat, overweight and overwhelmed and in remission from eating disorders. Can someone close or delete this thread, please?

1shedev

I'm sorry for your losses and the tough road you have walked lately. There is a group for people who have had EDs on MFP. You will likely find the support you need there as well as build friends that understand you.

vespiquenn

MaureenRefior wrote: »

I'm beginning to be sorry that I posted this. I'm not going off the deep end; I just thought that, due to the nature of the site, there might be others out there who are in the same boat, overweight and overwhelmed and in remission from eating disorders. Can someone close or delete this thread, please?

It would irresponsible for anyone here not acknowledge that you clearly should not be on a weight loss site when you want to go buy laxatives or claim you're not purging yet. No amount of support from strangers would help that. I do hope you find happiness on your journey.

But to close a thread, click on the three dots next to the title. There should be an option to flag the post as your own and you want it closed.

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