What does motivation or support really mean when folks cut-bait?

DetroitDarin

So I don't understand a few things in life but I suppose that is a lie because 'few' implies 'only a few'. Because I cannot solve all life's riddles I am searching for answers for this one tiny aspect -

"I cannot support you or condone your weight loss because I think you should be eating more calories".

Some one on my friend's list unfriended me - and that was the person's reply when I asked what happened.

Caveats - first - "eating more" does not mean I was eating five hundred per day or even 1150 per day - but generally 1300-1800. I asked the person why they left - that was their reply and I get it. People are grown ups and they are free (at least in the US and and least for now) to like or don't like whatever they want. I take no issue with whomever's decision to friend or unfriend or to help or not-help.

At the crux if the issue, however is this: How do we define "support" or even "Friend" here on MFP? Does support mean "encourage and uplift and pat-on-the-back and counsel and understand and listen-to and apply context-to people's journey"? Does it mean "If you don't walk your journey the way I think you should walk your journey I'm done."

What point do you or do we move from encouragement to excommunication? Does the context of somebody's food journal matter? Are we at times missing the forest for the trees - using one aspect of fitness (entries into a food journal, or absolute weight or BMI, etc.) and taking that data point to condemn or value or even simply devalue another's efforts?

what do you think?

Neanbean13

It's a taxing question after a long mind numbing day at work.
I don't know the answer and will be different for everyone. My support is to some times give it to u straight up, none of this 'ohhh you're doing reaaaallyyyy well keep it up! Love yourself you're beautiful. Don't worry you'll get on track soon' if I see a victim I'll (constructively) let them know. I see no favor in supporting their victim behaviors. Prob why I don't have many mfp 'friends' . No I wouldnt like that you burnt 980 calories doing 30 mins of 'intense cleaning' in MFP over exaggerated calorie estimate. I wont like that you managed to eat no carbs today, didn't eat after 6, following a low carb, keto, paleo diet.
I won't like your OTT 'inspirational' daily statuses. So I don't support things that annoy me. Sure I should be happy for others and what they believe in and their weight loss journal. But why have things in my face that annoy me? Like in life I choose to surround myself with people that make me feel good, and similar interests. My best mate went thru a 'I'm not eating anything at all except booze' to lose weight. I didn't hang round her then either. Be my friend!

DetroitDarin

That's a very nice perspective, Bean - thank you. Makes sense.

I tend to believe anyone relying - absolutely relying - upon MFP "support" is doomed to fail.

gillie80

it's an odd reason to give for unfriending someone, considering the site we are on. I love seeing my mfp friends posting wee successes, though i don't do it much myself. it's got nothing to do with the 'friend' how many calories you are or are not eating; they dont know your weight loss plan or body or lifestyle, so i honestly wouldnt mourn the loss.

IMO we friend on here to support each other by giving a high 5 to success, whether it's a 1lb loss or a 5lb loss, your first 5k or even your acceptance that something needs to change. their way may not my by way, but it's a way and i'm in no position to judge others. i'll be as supportive as i can, cos that's what i hope my MFP friends would do for me.

just my penny's worth.

DetroitDarin

Another good perspective. I don't mourn anything online I suppose. I was surprised, but I wish that person honestly and completely all the success in the world. And to you too, Gillie (and Bean of course).

Lounmoun

DetroitDarin wrote: »

At the crux if the issue, however is this: How do we define "support" or even "Friend" here on MFP? Does support mean "encourage and uplift and pat-on-the-back and counsel and understand and listen-to and apply context-to people's journey"? Does it mean "If you don't walk your journey the way I think you should walk your journey I'm done."

What point do you or do we move from encouragement to excommunication? Does the context of somebody's food journal matter? Are we at times missing the forest for the trees - using one aspect of fitness (entries into a food journal, or absolute weight or BMI, etc.) and taking that data point to condemn or value or even simply devalue another's efforts?

what do you think?

I think if you truly feel your methods are healthy then they are not condemned or valued by someone being on your mfp friend list or not.

I choose to be "friends" with people who have similar goals and methods. It doesn't make sense to me to group myself together with people doing extremely different things here.
I don't scrutinize everyone's diary daily. If I found a mfp friend's goals or methods of weight loss were just not compatible with my own though I would probably trim them from my list.
For example, if their goal is to lose a lot fast, they drink shakes and eat protein bars all day instead of regular food, they spend all day at the gym, eat nothing but bananas or eat below the recommended minimum consistantly I would not feel we could offer much to each other. They can do what they want but we aren't compatible weight loss "buddies" at all.
What does support here mean? Depends on the person, what they want and where they are in their journey.
I am a poor friend to someone who wants comments or likes on the newsfeed. I don't look at it most of the time these days. However, I do log in every day and log food every day. I've been using mfp for almost 2 years. I have lost weight using it. My diary is public. I don't often accept new friends. If someone finds it helpful or inspiring to remain on my friend list that is fine. If they want to unfriend me because they want more interaction from friends then that is fine too. I don't feel at this point that I need weight loss friends liked I did 2 years ago. I know what works for me and I do it.
When I was starting out here I used my friend list for constant inspiration. I was inspired by people logging exercise daily or sticking with it. I posted sometimes, read, liked and commented on friend's posts. I looked at diaries. I didn't really want to be a constant cheerleader or have a cheerleading section though.

DetroitDarin

Excellent input, thank you!

distinctlybeautiful

I think context can definitely be important. For example, there are people on my friend list who are struggling with eating disorders. I don't support their eating habits, but I try to offer support in other ways. There are other people on my friend list who eat what I consider too few calories. I don't encourage it (i.e., I don't like their completed diaries or posts saying they're doing poorly and need to work harder or posts saying they need to exercise to burn off more calories), and I may even offer my point of view here and there when it seems appropriate. Most of these people were friends here before I decided I didn't particularly like to see people eating so little, so I try to continue to offer support where I can. I don't know presume to know what's right for everyone, but I know that even though I thought it was right for me in the past, I've come to see that fewer than 1200 calories a day simply wasn't enough food and was an unhealthy attempt at fast weight loss. So, with my frame of reference, seeing that makes me a bit sad, right or wrong, and I don't care to explicitly support it. I've also taken people off my friend list because I think they eat too little and/or have misguided ideas about this health and fitness and food stuff. That mostly happened after I posted here asking for female friends who didn't net under 1200 calories a day and ended up with people who told me they really liked what I had to say - but then found that they still netted under 1200 a day. If I don't agree with the method and I've made it clear before you added me that I don't agree with it, I'm not going to support it. Calories aside, if I don't support what a friend has posted, I'll just skip it unless it seems appropriate to offer my point of view. Honestly, it's like you said..

DetroitDarin wrote: »

People are grown ups and they are free (at least in the US and and least for now) to like or don't like whatever they want. I take no issue with whomever's decision to friend or unfriend or to help or not-help.

I'm all for offering support. In fact, I think having friends here makes a huge difference when it comes to all this stuff, but I guess the bottom line for me is that if it's not making me happy or simply doesn't feel right for me, I'm not going to offer support. Call me selfish, but I'm here for myself first. The community is an amazing benefit, but I don't feel obligated to the majority of people here. By the same token, I think if you don't like the kind of - or lack of - support someone is offering, you should have no problem taking them off your list. MFP is supposed to be a tool to help you reach your goals, and if anything or anyone here is standing in your way, there's no reason to deal with it if it can be avoided.

DetroitDarin

Great explanation - Makes perfect sense. Thank you!