Newly Single -- Advice?

suvoth

Hey all,

Recently seperated from my husband of 13 years (together 16, since I was 19). Feeling like I'll always be single (not that I am looking by any means..that won't be for a long while i think). He's got someone now (happy for him, makes it easier to move on and move out soon). Anyways, any tips on feeling better? Any distractions that work other than drinking (which blows calories out the water) lol How did you move on? How long did it take?

melmelw03

I was with my ex hubs about that long and from the age of 19. He had someone right off and I started a long distance rebound romance. I knew nothing would come of it but it was kind of a way to ease the loneliness somewhat. I dated casually after that but wasn't ready for anything real until about a year and a half after the split.
Everyone is different but being with someone so long, it just took me some time.

There's something to be said for taking alone time to find yourself again. I didn't even remember who I was, and honestly still figuring it out. 2 years later.

lenoresdream

I'm so sorry to hear that. Do you have any hobbies or interests you can dive into again? You might be able to find groups dedicated to your hobbies and interests and find new friends to spend time with and get support from.

Hope for the best for you

Unknown

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DetroitDarin

It's a process not a destination. Couple things to consider...

However you happen to feel on any given day - that is your right and it is GOOD to feel that. Let yourself. Resist people telling you "you shouldn't feel bad!" or "You shouldn't let it bother you!". I say Let yourself feel everything and own everything. From frustration to exhaustion to excitement. Remind yourself at your darkest points "Nothing Bad happened". Nothing Bad. What happened was change. Change is constant. Change is life. Life is good. Nothing bad happened.

There is no moving on, there is no closure. Those don't matter. What there is is this: There is "you"; your sense of self. When you focus on yourself more than "moving-on" or more than "closure" - and terms like those - the more you love who you are. As you find out more about yourself, and treat yourself like you'd like others to treat you, the better you can become; by better I mean more-grounded, more at peace, more right.

Said another way - We are very good at projecting politeness and kindness to others than we are to ourselves. Be polite to yourself - if that means be your own shoulder to cry on, do it. If it means being your own motivator towards 'getting out there' - be that person. Become the woman of your dreams; the woman you've always dreamed you'd like to be.

And junk and stuff....or whatever.

Best of luck!

suvoth

melmelw03 wrote: »

I was with my ex hubs about that long and from the age of 19. He had someone right off and I started a long distance rebound romance. I knew nothing would come of it but it was kind of a way to ease the loneliness somewhat. I dated casually after that but wasn't ready for anything real until about a year and a half after the split.
Everyone is different but being with someone so long, it just took me some time.

There's something to be said for taking alone time to find yourself again. I didn't even remember who I was, and honestly still figuring it out. 2 years later.

Thanks. I am at the same place, I don't know who I am anymore. I guess I will have to try to figure that out.

suvoth

lenoresdream wrote: »

I'm so sorry to hear that. Do you have any hobbies or interests you can dive into again? You might be able to find groups dedicated to your hobbies and interests and find new friends to spend time with and get support from.

Hope for the best for you

I have no real interests or hobbies other than getting fit and healthy at the moment (even though everything in me wants to have a few nights of bliss with a bottle of Chivas and a large pizza. I will have to find something to do.

suvoth

_MistahJ_ wrote: »

Whiskey and weights works for me. It took me awhile, but I went from saying I'd never be in a relationship again to being in the best one of my life. I'm back at square one, once more, but I'm learning to walk again.

Weights, reading, coloring... anything to keep your mind occupied on something else. Best of luck to you.

I'll find something other than Chivas. Just trying to find it. Thanks

suvoth

DetroitDarin wrote: »

It's a process not a destination. Couple things to consider...

However you happen to feel on any given day - that is your right and it is GOOD to feel that. Let yourself. Resist people telling you "you shouldn't feel bad!" or "You shouldn't let it bother you!". I say Let yourself feel everything and own everything. From frustration to exhaustion to excitement. Remind yourself at your darkest points "Nothing Bad happened". Nothing Bad. What happened was change. Change is constant. Change is life. Life is good. Nothing bad happened.

There is no moving on, there is no closure. Those don't matter. What there is is this: There is "you"; your sense of self. When you focus on yourself more than "moving-on" or more than "closure" - and terms like those - the more you love who you are. As you find out more about yourself, and treat yourself like you'd like others to treat you, the better you can become; by better I mean more-grounded, more at peace, more right.

Said another way - We are very good at projecting politeness and kindness to others than we are to ourselves. Be polite to yourself - if that means be your own shoulder to cry on, do it. If it means being your own motivator towards 'getting out there' - be that person. Become the woman of your dreams; the woman you've always dreamed you'd like to be.

And junk and stuff....or whatever.

Best of luck!

Thank you. I will try to be the best I can be..I haven't figured out yet what the woman of my dreams is..but I guess maybe that's what I've gotta figure out first before I am able to move on.

DetroitDarin

one aspect to that - don't stop moving while you're waiting to figure out anything. Doing something towards personal growth - even without a goal - is more effective than waiting to find the answers before moving

suvoth

DetroitDarin wrote: »

one aspect to that - don't stop moving while you're waiting to figure out anything. Doing something towards personal growth - even without a goal - is more effective than waiting to find the answers before moving

Thanks. I will keep trying to move!

kdtesoriero

I am just starting divorce proceedings against my husband so I feel your pain. We met 23 years ago and married 15 years. I used the gym to help feel better, and I see a therapist to help me not to emotionally eat and to realize what I did that effected the relationship and what I want to change about myself in the next relationship. Good luck and if you want to add me as a friend, feel free.

jaxass

Do you have kids? If you do, put your focus on them (and rebuilding you) instead of another. They will appreciate it more than you can possibly fathom. If you don't have kids, then all your focus should be on rebuilding you, one small step at a time.

Being single isn't a life sentence. It's a life experience. So use this time for yourself. You'll be happy with the results a little later.

I wish you the best.

suvoth

kdtesoriero wrote: »

I am just starting divorce proceedings against my husband so I feel your pain. We met 23 years ago and married 15 years. I used the gym to help feel better, and I see a therapist to help me not to emotionally eat and to realize what I did that effected the relationship and what I want to change about myself in the next relationship. Good luck and if you want to add me as a friend, feel free.

Thank you. I'm sorry to hear about your relationship as well I'm sure we'll get through this, I'm just not sure on the how yet.

Lone_wolf46

And whatever you do, do NOT rebound. It sounds as if your ex already has by finding somebody else. I promise, it doesn't work.

sutibo

Sorry to hear about this, it can't be nice for you. I guess as difficult as it is it's a chance to put yourself first again. A friend of mine now goes to the gym in the evenings, he's started climbing, he went on a skiing holiday with friends - he's surrounding himself with people and things that he never could before, I think he's actually blossoming and becoming the person he wants to be, not the person he was becoming when he was unhappy in his marriage.

Plan B could be to get yourself to Detroit, you could date that Darin fella, he seems like a nice chap with good advice.

suvoth

rippin2U wrote: »

And whatever you do, do NOT rebound. It sounds as if your ex already has by finding somebody else. I promise, it doesn't work.

Oh no...So not going to. I've already had some friends hit on me. I told them to cut it out..I do not need it. lol

suvoth

sutibo wrote: »

Sorry to hear about this, it can't be nice for you. I guess as difficult as it is it's a chance to put yourself first again. A friend of mine now goes to the gym in the evenings, he's started climbing, he went on a skiing holiday with friends - he's surrounding himself with people and things that he never could before, I think he's actually blossoming and becoming the person he wants to be, not the person he was becoming when he was unhappy in his marriage.

Plan B could be to get yourself to Detroit, you could date that Darin fella, he seems like a nice chap with good advice.

LOL Thanks. I am moving in with my family in a few weeks and at least I will have them if I need them. Problem is I keep to myself and I don't like talking about things...well, apparently only on forums lol

klkarlen

For fun, come join us on the Singles Hangout thread here, we just chat about random fun stuff.

I just hit the four year single mark myself after an 18 year marriage to a man I thought I knew for 28 years. . . turns out he was not who I thought I had married. But he sure was a good actor back then.. . . but I digress.

You could consider taking classes, or doing volunteer work. . . if you like animals all the shelters need help with walking and grooming or even just playing with the kittens. You can meet new friends, which is a big help in getting past the heartache that comes with a divorce, even one that you knew was coming still stings.

You had some very kind words to say about your ex, now turn that kindness towards yourself.

bemyyfriend0918

The best thing that I have done during/after a breakup is honestly focus on myself. Really dive into your fitness goals. Keep busy by working out and preparing and cooking meals. Learn the hobbies and activities that you may be interested in on your own...maybe you'll really love a dance class, or maybe you'll really take an interest in reading. You can heal yourself and start a new chapter without your ex husband, that will be just as wonderful and rewarding as the last

suvoth

klkarlen wrote: »

For fun, come join us on the Singles Hangout thread here, we just chat about random fun stuff.

I just hit the four year single mark myself after an 18 year marriage to a man I thought I knew for 28 years. . . turns out he was not who I thought I had married. But he sure was a good actor back then.. . . but I digress.

You could consider taking classes, or doing volunteer work. . . if you like animals all the shelters need help with walking and grooming or even just playing with the kittens. You can meet new friends, which is a big help in getting past the heartache that comes with a divorce, even one that you knew was coming still stings.

You had some very kind words to say about your ex, now turn that kindness towards yourself.

Thank you. I love animals but tend to want to take them all home with me I am trying to be kind to myself..little by little I will. I am determined to be better after all of this for myself. I will definitely take a look at the post (although may not participate just yet...need to get out of the gloom first).

jimbaldwin1972

I was married 9 1/2 yrs and divorced 2 yrs now from ex. I've tried to move on but instead of finding a relationship. I found women only wanted me to pay for things for them.. So trust level down and to a point I don't care to get into another relationship. Focus on your self and what makes you happy.. If need a relationship get a dog or cat.. They are cheaper to be with..

suvoth

bemyyfriend0918 wrote: »

The best thing that I have done during/after a breakup is honestly focus on myself. Really dive into your fitness goals. Keep busy by working out and preparing and cooking meals. Learn the hobbies and activities that you may be interested in on your own...maybe you'll really love a dance class, or maybe you'll really take an interest in reading. You can heal yourself and start a new chapter without your ex husband, that will be just as wonderful and rewarding as the last

Thank you

suvoth

jimbaldwin1972 wrote: »

I was married 9 1/2 yrs and divorced 2 yrs now from ex. I've tried to move on but instead of finding a relationship. I found women only wanted me to pay for things for them.. So trust level down and to a point I don't care to get into another relationship. Focus on your self and what makes you happy.. If need a relationship get a dog or cat.. They are cheaper to be with..

I'm sorry that you've had a pretty bad few years I am not looking for a relationship so I won't have to worry about that..and I do have my dog..so there is that I guess lol

SoDamnHungry

My boyfriend of three years and I just broke up a week ago, so I'm seriously feeling your pain. (Although I imagine it's different when you've been with someone your whole adult life.) So far I've made time for friends, family, and myself. And I've gone to a couple of fun sounding meetups just so I don't sit home and think about how everything went wrong over and over. I'm also focusing on all of the good things about the end of the relationship. Add me if you want!

suvoth

SoDamnHungry wrote: »

My boyfriend of three years and I just broke up a week ago, so I'm seriously feeling your pain. (Although I imagine it's different when you've been with someone your whole adult life.) So far I've made time for friends, family, and myself. And I've gone to a couple of fun sounding meetups just so I don't sit home and think about how everything went wrong over and over. I'm also focusing on all of the good things about the end of the relationship. Add me if you want!

Aww I'm sorry you're going through it too Still a long term relationship so I imagine the pain is the same. I'm going to try to get out of my comfort zone I think and go out and live a bit...maybe I'll go to a club..lol I haven't been to one in at least 10 years (yep, lame, I know)

suvoth

jaxass wrote: »

Do you have kids? If you do, put your focus on them (and rebuilding you) instead of another. They will appreciate it more than you can possibly fathom. If you don't have kids, then all your focus should be on rebuilding you, one small step at a time.

Being single isn't a life sentence. It's a life experience. So use this time for yourself. You'll be happy with the results a little later.

I wish you the best.

Sorry I missed your comment. Yeah, no kids. I will try to help this make me stronger. Thank you for your kind words.

aloranger7708

I know everyone copes in different ways. When I left a long term relationship, I stayed single for a long time and didn't even think of dating. I focused on myself and that's when I lost the first 60lbs using MFP. I was going to the gym every day and looked amazing (if I do say so myself lol)! I was the happiest I had ever been and really took the time to get to know myself... tried a ton of new things, went to new places, met new friends, found a new job, etc. I wasn't even planning on dating when I randomly met my now-husband, but it just clicked and worked out! So yeah, I'd suggest not even looking at a new relationship for a while and to focus on you and you alone

suvoth

aloranger7708 wrote: »

I know everyone copes in different ways. When I left a long term relationship, I stayed single for a long time and didn't even think of dating. I focused on myself and that's when I lost the first 60lbs using MFP. I was going to the gym every day and looked amazing (if I do say so myself lol)! I was the happiest I had ever been and really took the time to get to know myself... tried a ton of new things, went to new places, met new friends, found a new job, etc. I wasn't even planning on dating when I randomly met my now-husband, but it just clicked and worked out!

That's awesome. I'm glad to hear it thanks