Love without attachment or ownership

DetroitDarin
DetroitDarin Posts: 955 Member
in Chit-Chat
If your lover, girlfriend, husband, wife, etc, walked in one day and said they had just found love, how would you reply?

I found this Buddhist article about attachments within a sexual relationship. I think I like it a lot. I think I want to be that - I want to be a person who would feel good for anyone who found the love of their life - even if that hurt me.
This year, my husband David and I will mark 27 years of being happily married. Am I attached to him? You bet I am. If he were to die tomorrow, of course I would be devastated. And am I completely unselfish in my regard for him? If I were honest, I’d have to say no. After all, what if he were to come home one day and say, “Sunada, I met a new woman and we love each other very much.” A completely other-regarding response would be, “I’m happy for you!” No, I couldn’t possibly imagine saying that.

.......
So for example, how much am I using my partner’s love to fill a void in my own love and acceptance of myself? A truly healthy individual is one who is complete by herself, and doesn’t need to depend on anything or anyone else to feel whole and content. I don’t mean we should go it alone and isolate ourselves from others. I mean simply not to depend on someone or something external to me as a necessary condition for my happiness.

But the fact is I’m not enlightened. Sure, it’s great to know what the ideal is, but very few people are actually there. I’m sure not. We all have times when we come up against feelings of loneliness, inadequacy, or insecurity. It’s a very normal human response to try to compensate for these unpleasant feelings by using a partner’s love to cover them over. But the truth is, real contentment can only come from within ourselves. A partner can’t provide that for us, and to expect it will only lead to disappointment.

http://www.wildmind.org/blogs/on-practice/love-sex-and-non-attachment


This part struck me:
So for example, how much am I using my partner’s love to fill a void in my own love and acceptance of myself? A truly healthy individual is one who is complete by herself, and doesn’t need to depend on anything or anyone else to feel whole and content.

and

But the truth is, real contentment can only come from within ourselves. A partner can’t provide that for us, and to expect it will only lead to disappointment.

That part in bold - that's the money right there.
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Replies

  • DetroitDarin
    DetroitDarin Posts: 955 Member
    Well said, Kate. I think it might be harder to forgive to think somebody stayed with me living a lie. Of course I hope I'm never surprised by somebody's love, or lack of love because that'd mean I'd been out of tune.
  • DetroitDarin
    DetroitDarin Posts: 955 Member
    Interesting perspective. Thank you. I think finding oneself is not purely selfish - and the parts that are selfish are still excellent. To be honest with others folks need to be honest with themselves - to present the most-genuine image of authenticity to others, we must first be authentic with ourselves. For practical example - for me to give of myself and my love to a partner or child or friend I first must know myself, love and give-to myself.

    I hope my over-simplified example makes some sense.

    Cheers, Louise!
  • kate141987
    kate141987 Posts: 513 Member
    DetroitDarin wrote: »
    Well said, Kate. I think it might be harder to forgive to think somebody stayed with me living a lie. Of course I hope I'm never surprised by somebody's love, or lack of love because that'd mean I'd been out of tune.

    I don't necessarily think it would mean you'd been out of tune, say your partner truely loved you but met someone else and their feelings totally changed, it doesn't mean they never loved you only that they met someone else they had stronger or different feelings for and maybe felt compelled to persue this other relationship.

    There was many times in my relationship especially in the middle part where I felt unsure, unhappy, questioned if I should just be single and was I limiting myself by staying with this 1 person. I started thinking 'what would I do if I were to meet my 'true love' would I leave my relationship and give it a go with someone else '. But then I realised I was being unfair and that I actually was also to blame why my relationship was rocky at times. When your not happy within yourself you tend to look for a 'magical' relationship to cure everything, you end up hurting a lot of people that way and in the end you can severely damage yourself so I do believe you must strive to be happy inside first or at least work on that while already in a relationship.

    That's my experience anyway
  • DetroitDarin
    DetroitDarin Posts: 955 Member
    Again, good insights. I am a vibe guy. I think I'm open to changes - for me, it'd mean I'm out of tune with her needs/wants/energy and my own.

    you said it well re: we try to find external excuses to internal issues.
  • kate141987
    kate141987 Posts: 513 Member
    Thanks lol I'm not trying to sound like a know it all but iv had a few relationships, each one completely different and i feel like looking back, iv learnt a lot about myself and my needs etc. Iv been burnt once really bad so I think it's good to be as equipped as possible cos anything can happen. I think once you just go with the flow and have faith in your relationship that's about all you can do. My worst days were spent worrying what if ? What's the point when you can't do nothing about it :)

    I'm a vibe kinda girl myself
  • DetroitDarin
    DetroitDarin Posts: 955 Member
    You don't come across as a know-it-all, you come-across as having wisdom and a unique point of view. The more we love ourselves and are polite to ourselves the less, perhaps, 'what-if' monsters attack us.

    My what-if? I have a couple.

    What if I was still with my ex? How hopeless and awful my outlook on life was.

    What if I had not learned to love myself enough to not allow folks to be rude to me?

    What if Kate gave me her number?

    ;)

    #smooth
  • kate141987
    kate141987 Posts: 513 Member
    Haha what if monsters I like that lol

    What if I got off my backside and cleaned the house like I planned to do today hmmmmm yeah think il do that lol
  • DetroitDarin
    DetroitDarin Posts: 955 Member
    you didn't miss that last one did ya kate? Cuz...I didn't see your number in my messages...

    :disappointed:

    Cheers kiddo. really. :)
  • slimgirljo15
    slimgirljo15 Posts: 269,456 Member
    5i25juqy8qi2.gif

  • kate141987
    kate141987 Posts: 513 Member
    Yeah I got the vibe you were wanting my number but.....you know how it is, boyfriend and all that lol
  • DetroitDarin
    DetroitDarin Posts: 955 Member
    Was only trying to be cute; not really comin' on to ya. Hope that came through.
  • DetroitDarin
    DetroitDarin Posts: 955 Member
    I think you're reading it backwards - this is about the person to whom another was unfaithful. It's about love, actually - loving somebody without feeling ownership; without letting their lack-of-return-love affect us. Maybe...
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  • gillie80
    gillie80 Posts: 214 Member
    I fought hard to get my husband and he fought hard to get me. i'd be shattered if he came to me and said he'd found someone else. i'm an entirely selfish person in this regard, i'd want to try and make it work between us, otherwise what has the last 15 year been for. on the flip side though if he loved someone else and no longer wanted to be with me i'd let him go. i have more self worth than to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. again, a selfish motive. no, i wouldn't want him to be happy with another person; i'd be a bitter harpy and probably mourn it for a long time. sad to say i am one of these people who needs another's love to feel complete. i'm not ashamed of it, it's who i am.
    tcunbeliever wrote: »
    He belongs to me and I belong to him, we are two sides of the same coin. How do you separate that? Would I be ok with him sleeping with someone else...oh, hellsbells no, I don't care how happy it makes him, that is simply not acceptable to me, ever. .
    this is my husband and i. glad i'm not alone in that category then.

  • DetroitDarin
    DetroitDarin Posts: 955 Member
    Louise1491 wrote: »
    I don't think finding yourself is selfish atall, that isn't what I meant, it's how you go about that without ditching your responsibilities and without hurting people in the process of your self discovery.
    Also I don't think you necessarily need to actually go anywhere to find oneself, sometimes that just becomes running away. Sometimes true enlightenment comes from being in the same surroundings but having changed everything.

    I appreciate the clarification. Thanks.

    To others:
    I wouldn't associate with a woman who'd carelessly trash my heart; so this isn't about excusing behaviour. Also this is not about what my future gf/so is "allowed" to do. Never about that. For me and my lover, we'll communicate expectations honestly and we'll talk about whatever we need to discuss to ensure we are on the same page. Part of that means should she come to me and say she wants another person - her path leads her somewhere else, the enlighted lover within me would have to say "I'm so happy for you!" - although the ego, the sense of self, the emotional side of me would feel horse-kicked in the balls. This is about striving to be better - not saying I or anyone has reached the potential of ultimate love and junk and stuff or whatever.
  • DetroitDarin
    DetroitDarin Posts: 955 Member
    that's a different topic; and I absolutely agree. :)
  • Motorsheen
    Motorsheen Posts: 20,508 Member
    I reckon that Buddha never dated a hottie.
  • JessicaJS23
    JessicaJS23 Posts: 1,863 Member
    This happened to me. Got a call saying he had met someone else and he didn't know what to do because he had never felt these feelings about someone before. Of course I was devestated. Wanted to tell him that feelings that strong and that fast are just lust. He asked me what I wanted him to do and I told him to go be happy. The part that sucked the most was realizing how much I loved him... telling him to go be happy with someone else was one of the most painful and unselfish things I've ever done.
  • saragd012
    saragd012 Posts: 693 Member
    I'm not sure exactly how I feel about this. I've been in open relationships in the past, and been presented with situations in which lovers have come to me with a new love, and I was excited for them. I do not think love is a finite thing, so I see no reason why someone couldn't love more than one person, and my lover loving another does not take away from the love they would have for me. Even, as much as I cared for one partner in particular, when life took them to another state (where another partner lived) our relationship ended and I was still so happy for their engagement.

    However, in my current relationship, my partner has expressed a complete aversion to open relationships, so we have agreed upon monogamy. If she came home one day and told me she was in love with someone else I would be heartbroken, because I know her views on monogamy. Also, we keep our lines of communication very open, so I would feel betrayed that she didn't tell me sooner that something like that was happening. Down the road I would undoubtedly look back and be glad she was happy with this new person, but it certainly would take me a while to recover from my own heartbreak before doing so.
  • OneWayOnlyCycles
    OneWayOnlyCycles Posts: 67 Member
    edited August 2016
    I left before that other person had the chance to drop that bomb on me! I believe that loving yourself first is the all important thing. Not the admiring yourself in the mirror thing. Rather the deep personal understanding of the self. Then and only then can you find love. Are you comfortable with being alone for a long period of time?? A lot of people can't do this. Don't make your whole reason for living the love from someone else. When it is gone you might just fall apart.
  • grannynot
    grannynot Posts: 146 Member
    IMO, there's a difference between a "relationship" and a marriage. So no, I would not welcome the news that my husband had found a new love. Call me selfish, but I don't *share* when there's a commitment. And regarding finding your "inner self" - if I wasn't in a committed marriage, I wouldn't have had the time to find myself, nor had the cheerleader (Hubby) who encouraged me to "do my thing". I think he believed in me, long before I believed in myself.
  • benmullins4
    benmullins4 Posts: 678 Member
    Cutaway_Collar wrote: »
    Brother Ben's on fire. Well done, man!

    Thank you! There's NO way anyone is being the bigger self respecting person, by allowing someone to use you as a door mat or stepping stone. Sure, you can maintain a level of confidence to pick yourself up and move on. BUT, you're actually showing a level of weakness by accepting and allowing this behavior. Stand up for yourself... Dang!
  • benmullins4
    benmullins4 Posts: 678 Member
    Well, there's that!
  • Motorsheen
    Motorsheen Posts: 20,508 Member
    newmeadow wrote: »
    Motorsheen wrote: »
    I reckon that Buddha never dated a hottie.

    Actually he did. He married the most beautiful woman in his father's kingdom and got her pregnant. When his son was born, he named him "Fetter" and then promptly abandoned both wife and child to pursue his own interests. Personally, if I were to marry, I'd rather go with the Judeo Christian interpretation of marriage and what its expectations are. Obviously, the latter approach isn't something to take lightly and isn't for everyone.


    Obviously, Buddha got fed up with her *kitten*, huh?

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