I finally stopped counting...

batoolnabulsi

Stopped counting..
After a long time of struggling with body image, I didn't realize I was developing an eating disorder, although I was in a healthy weight from the beginning ( I was 123lbs,height 5'3) , I wanted to look like those skinny models, but what made it worse that I had a curvy figure (I used to hate)
This made me lower my intake less than healthy and over exercise , I'd feel guilty for eating more than 1000 calories, sometimes I'd spit out what I eat, I'd become anxious and sweat a lot and get chills, I became obsessed with numbers, I hated meeting my friends and going out with family because I was afraid of eating, I felt relieved when I skipped meals, I just wanted to lose more fat and more so I can fit in smaller clothes, my weight loss was normal and in control at first, then suddenly I lost 6 pounds,then I binged and ended up gaining 2 pounds, my craving became worse, I messed up my body, I couldn't stop eating,I missed many periods, I knew there was something wrong, I was depressed all the time and couldn't stop thinking about eating and weight, food was no longer fun, it was my enemy, and along with weight loss I felt weak..but I managed to seek help and did my best to fix my mind and gain confidence.. Without going on details, it took me a long time but now I'm finally normal, I'm able to live, I saw my pictures of my body after losing weight, yickies!
I allowed myself to gain another pound, and I wouldn't mind gaining another, I feel like my body decided its own weight, I can't be skinny, my body wasn't designed like that.
My birthday is coming soon, finally I'll be able to enjoy it without worrying, I have many plans that include eating with friends, they've always waited this moment where I eat with them normally because I used to talk about calories all the time , I know I won't maintain my current weight, but that's okay, after I'm done with my plans I'll be back to my healthy lifestyle (it used to be healthy until I became obsessed with calories)
It was a long experience but I learned a lot from it, I gotta accept myself and not feel ashamed, I'm a human being.. AND MFP helped me control my portions and choose better meals and nutrition for my body, this experience has its advantages too, I now understand my body better, I never thought I'd feel this way, I feel free, the number on the scale is just a number now, I'm still 19, I have my whole life, I can't waste it with numbers.
Being skinny is not my goal anymore, it's changed, I changed my goal to fit, strong and healthy, I'll start strength training too.
I still use MFP for nutrient facts, and I love the community!

If you have thoughts and healthy ideas please share them with me, I'd love to learn more, and experiences and what worked best for you!

Tofuliii

I've been through a similar thing this past year. Just made a new account to try start a fresh and have a healthier relationship with food. I wish you all the best. xx

megn529

This post really resonated with me. Thank you for sharing. I wish you all the best!

quiksylver296

I got anxious just reading your post. Good for you for sorting it out!

As for strength training...best thing I've ever done. Check out stronglifts.com. Really good program for beginners and it has a free app you can use to track your progress at the gym. I Stronglifts!

FitPhillygirl

I stopped a long time ago and am still maintaining successfully for the past 5 years. You can do it!