About Love. And all that stuff.
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Tomk652015 wrote: »is love different depending on the object? are there varying definitions of love? or don't i understand whats disturbed you?
*edit* maybe so. have to think about that.
Well yeah, physical attraction/intimacy is a big part of love between adults...
i really don't think so. i think they are totally separate. its like saying when you no longer look appealing to me, i cease to love you as much.
I think we confuse physical feelings with love all the time. how sad to think if i get in a car accident and am deformed or unable to "perform" my spouses love for me will decline.
now, its a big part of a relationship, but separate from "love" IMO.4 -
DetroitDarin wrote: »I am going to wait for that kind of love, Franc, even if It means I stay alone. Because being lonely within a relationship is the worst kind of hell I can imagine. Or have experienced.
This is where I am as well. It makes for a lonely life at times, but I just can't settle at this point in my life. I'm old enough and wise enough to know what I want, need and deserve. People translate that into looking for perfect, which is truly not what I am looking for. I am not perfect by any means and have no problem admitting my faults. I absolutely agree on your definition of compromise also. Of course with the day to day life things, there must be compromise, but as for who you are at your core, the only one who can change that is oneself. I want someone who loves me for me, for who I am on the inside and I want to feel the same about them.
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Tomk652015 wrote: »Tomk652015 wrote: »is love different depending on the object? are there varying definitions of love? or don't i understand whats disturbed you?
*edit* maybe so. have to think about that.
Well yeah, physical attraction/intimacy is a big part of love between adults...
i really don't think so. i think they are totally separate. its like saying when you no longer look appealing to me, i cease to love you as much.
I think we confuse physical feelings with love all the time. how sad to think if i get in a car accident and am deformed or unable to "perform" my spouses love for me will decline.
now, its a big part of a relationship, but separate from "love" IMO.
I don't mean physical attraction like 'I want to have sex with you right now'. But those butterflies that you feel when you look at someone... if you don't feel them, is it really love? Can you REALLY love someone who you are not attracted to? Love is what makes people beautiful... fit, fat, deformed... it doesn't matter if you really love them, you will love them no matter what they look like.
Ok so it's what I meant. And I suppose that if you take the intimacy part out, it's the same with children (how we love them and they're so beautiful to us).
Hmm. I'll have to think about this. I suppose that the main difference between love for children and love for someone else is the choice and expectations that come with it. I know that I let my kids get away with things that I would never tolerate from a man, for example, lol!0 -
Tomk652015 wrote: »Tomk652015 wrote: »is love different depending on the object? are there varying definitions of love? or don't i understand whats disturbed you?
*edit* maybe so. have to think about that.
Well yeah, physical attraction/intimacy is a big part of love between adults...
i really don't think so. i think they are totally separate. its like saying when you no longer look appealing to me, i cease to love you as much.
I think we confuse physical feelings with love all the time. how sad to think if i get in a car accident and am deformed or unable to "perform" my spouses love for me will decline.
now, its a big part of a relationship, but separate from "love" IMO.
I don't mean physical attraction like 'I want to have sex with you right now'. But those butterflies that you feel when you look at someone... if you don't feel them, is it really love? Can you REALLY love someone who you are not attracted to? Love is what makes people beautiful... fit, fat, deformed... it doesn't matter if you really love them, you will love them no matter what they look like.
Ok so it's what I meant. And I suppose that if you take the intimacy part out, it's the same with children (how we love them and they're so beautiful to us).
Hmm. I'll have to think about this. I suppose that the main difference between love for children and love for someone else is the choice and expectations that come with it. I know that I let my kids get away with things that I would never tolerate from a man, for example, lol!
i guess thats my point. to me, real love is just unconditional. doesn't matter the object, doesn't matter what they do don't do, get away with or not, its just love. all the time, not matter what, end of story. its NOT something you get...like you can't demand it from someone ...ie spouse... its not a "will to receive thing". for each person its only a GIVE thing. ALL you can do and control is whether you choose to give it.
you see, if we all would just choose to give it unconditionally, no one would be choosing to "withhold" it and this whole thread would be a mute point.
At this stage in my life, i choose to fret of the things i can control, which is only me. how i act and interact and then I get that deep down on the inside satisfaction. you know..that feeling of "I did all i could the best i could in that situation" kinda thing. there is peace in that. its borderline insanity to fret of things we can't control. it just makes no sense to fret over it when we have no control over it.
I dunno. its a deep subject. this is just my opinion.1 -
Tomk652015 wrote: »Tomk652015 wrote: »Tomk652015 wrote: »is love different depending on the object? are there varying definitions of love? or don't i understand whats disturbed you?
*edit* maybe so. have to think about that.
Well yeah, physical attraction/intimacy is a big part of love between adults...
i really don't think so. i think they are totally separate. its like saying when you no longer look appealing to me, i cease to love you as much.
I think we confuse physical feelings with love all the time. how sad to think if i get in a car accident and am deformed or unable to "perform" my spouses love for me will decline.
now, its a big part of a relationship, but separate from "love" IMO.
I don't mean physical attraction like 'I want to have sex with you right now'. But those butterflies that you feel when you look at someone... if you don't feel them, is it really love? Can you REALLY love someone who you are not attracted to? Love is what makes people beautiful... fit, fat, deformed... it doesn't matter if you really love them, you will love them no matter what they look like.
Ok so it's what I meant. And I suppose that if you take the intimacy part out, it's the same with children (how we love them and they're so beautiful to us).
Hmm. I'll have to think about this. I suppose that the main difference between love for children and love for someone else is the choice and expectations that come with it. I know that I let my kids get away with things that I would never tolerate from a man, for example, lol!
i guess thats my point. to me, real love is just unconditional. doesn't matter the object, doesn't matter what they do don't do, get away with or not, its just love. all the time, not matter what, end of story. its NOT something you get...like you can't demand it from someone ...ie spouse... its not a "will to receive thing". for each person its only a GIVE thing. ALL you can do and control is whether you choose to give it.
you see, if we all would just choose to give it unconditionally, no one would be choosing to "withhold" it and this whole thread would be a mute point.
At this stage in my life, i choose to fret of the things i can control, which is only me. how i act and interact and then I get that deep down on the inside satisfaction. you know..that feeling of "I did all i could the best i could in that situation" kinda thing. there is peace in that. its borderline insanity to fret of things we can't control. it just makes no sense to fret over it when we have no control over it.
I dunno. its a deep subject. this is just my opinion.
Yeah but love isn't something you choose to feel, IMO. It just happens. If someone decides to 'withhold it' or whatever, then it's not love.
Which is basically what I meant by 'most people will probably never experience real love'. I think that people often settle... it's convenient, it's familiar, you get along with the person well enough... Then, I'm not sure that love lasts forever either. When you love someone completely... you love that person... but if the person changes, it doesn't mean you'll necessarily love THAT person too. Life happens, people change. I see a lot of people stay with someone because they loved what they used to have... but that's gone...
Definitely a deep subject though. I've been thinking about it a lot lately actually, it's been a pretty heartbreaking experience for me frankly.0 -
To me, love is me not really being very happy with my SO at the moment, but still never even consider giving him up. I know I don't HAVE to be head over heels right now. Maybe tomorrow I will be. He's still my BFF and the only one I want to annoy me forever and ever.
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DetroitDarin wrote: »I am going to wait for that kind of love, Franc, even if It means I stay alone. Because being lonely within a relationship is the worst kind of hell I can imagine. Or have experienced.
I feel the same way. I was alone in my marriage for 10yrs. It was awful & I was utterly miserable. I left my husband almost 2yrs ago after finally deciding I deserved to be happy & it was the best desicion I've ever made. I'm single & happy now & I will never settle for mediocre again! I deserve to be utterly in love with someone who feels the same about me. And if it never happens, then so be it. I will continue to be happy as a single person instead of half of a miserable couple.2 -
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This was in my head the whole time i was reading this thread!0 -
Deep0
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I didn't believe in divorce either so I tried to cope. she left me as ive told you and so its out of my hands now. I will say this, your NEEDS should be the next priority in your life behind your kids! I went through 19 years of this and now that im past it and she has left 4 months ago, I wish I had went ahead and left years ago to address my needs! im a giant man (6'6" 240lbs) and dammit I have emotional NEEDS too! lol stay as strong as you can but don't neglect yourself what you desire to accommodate someone else..Louise1491 wrote: »Sounds like my last relationship. Lack of affection/contact.
Thats my marraige, right now. He is content with minimal contact (physical and emotional) and I NEED way more than he is giving. I am shown affection only when he wants to have sex...which isnt very often. Earlier in our relationship I compromised and was OK with sex being the main (nearly only) form of affection I was shown - mainly because it happened much more frequently. I wish that I would have been more cognizant of the true lack of affection earlier.
Other than the lack of affection....we have a nice life and I am generally happy.
I don't believe in divorce, so I have settled with the fact that I will be in a generally affection less marraige for the rest of my life (Im 33)...and that sucks.
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DetroitDarin wrote: »Within an adult man-woman relationship: If love is not really-good, it's not love. My favourite quote about love - and this might cost my man-card - but my favourite line is from the movie Midnight in Paris - this scene.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2YEstLmzyvI
Within love - within relationships - the number one killer is compromise. Compromise ensures neither the man nor the woman get what they need - they settle for less. In the little aspects that's fine - things like where to eat dinner, what colour to pain the living room, etc. But in the bigger aspects compromise leads only to hurt and loneliness and unfulfilled wants and needs. Compromise says "Oh..I know you really enjoy a snuggle, but - that's not really me, so...you can just be next to me and hug this pillow okay?" or "I really don't like to hold your hand, so...how about I hold your hand for just the next hour?" - crap like that.
Love therefore should be stupidly-easy and should be the baseline for a successful relationship. Love should be the non-negotiable.
Signs the relationship is not love-based? If either of you ever say stuff like "...after everything I've done for you! THIS is how you treat me?"
Nope. that's not love. Love isn't selfish nor does love keep score.
If either says "Well, if you love me, you will (insert chore or task)!"
Love isn't tranasaction-based - love (affection, sex, etc) is not a currency.
Love is not "Do this to show me you love me" - love is "Because I love you I can't help but be a certain way around you; because I love you of course I am kind and thoughtful - but being kind and thoughtful is not necessarily love.
What do you think? I think I'm right - but I could be full of crap because that happens too - sometimes on a road trip where I have to literally spring out into the woods...search the forum for THAT story...
I have to wholeheartedly agree with what you wrote. Compromise is HUGE in a relationship and love should be selfless. It's about not just being happy but making the other person happy as well. It's a balance that a lot of couples have a difficult time doing, I think.
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I agree with you.0
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Tomk652015 wrote: »is love different depending on the object? are there varying definitions of love? or don't i understand whats disturbed you?
*edit* maybe so. have to think about that.
Absolutely manifested differently - but is it the same substance? I suppose to frame the discussion we'd have to agree one terms.
What is love? (baby don't hurt me)
People can more-easily describe love than define it. We talk about the symptoms of love, but the symptoms are not love.
Love is a verb but verbs are not love. Love is a noun too - but nothing tangible is love.
Can we weight it? No. But we can probably measure love - at least measure the quantity love love by looking at the extent the symptoms are shown, maybe.
Do I love my kids differently than my lover? Absolutely. Just one difference is this: Love between a man and a woman is generally inherently selfish; love for kids should not be. But often is. But shouldn't be.
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With kids your love should definitely be selfless and unconditional. And also eventually let them go to move on and grow up and form their own relationships. But, you are there if they need you. With your partner love can last in an intimate form forever. You go through challenges together, supporting each other. And enjoy the good moments together. Building shared memories adds to the love to draw on during those challenging times. Definitely kindness, thoughtfulness, empathy are very important. Also having insight together and into one another's challenges or struggles. And shared respect, support for each other's goals, passions, talents, abilities.0
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To properly salvage a relationship: Make her tacos. Eat the tacos with her. Smile at each other. Bang it out.3
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Why would she want to be tacos?
otherwise - the eating tacos and bang-it-out? Good advice.0 -
I think love is like this -
When love exists between a man and woman both parties will absolutely unconsciously do good towards and for the other person. People will act and communicate and all that without even thinking because doing those things is at the core of their very being. It's who they are - not what they do. But what they do and express is the result of who they are. Make any sense?5
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