This is making me paranoid

Trish1c

I am a recovered anorexic. In college at 5'7 I weighed between 105 & 110 & had huge body image issues. I never got treatment. I just started eating & stopped playing the various food games I used to play when I was manipulating my intake.

I managed to gain to a healthy weight of 125 & happily went through life at that weight until I hit my 40s. Then the pounds started to creep up. Now menopause is on the horizon.

I finally got serious about weight loss, really started to participate around here, faithfully log etc. I have lost 12 pounds at a healthy pace since July. It's not even that much because I still do what I want & drink too many calories on weekends.

But here's the thing. I am watching myself fall back into bad habits. It's 2:00 p.m. All I have eaten to this point is 1 plum. Part of that is stress. I don't eat when I'm stressed. Part of it is because my stomach hurts but not from hunger. Part of it is because I literally haven't had time to food shop so there isn't really anything to eat.

What concerns me is I find myself not wanting to eat. At night sometimes I look a my total calories & they are so low, I eat something unhealthy just to get them up. My nutrition isn't good or balanced. I fear I'm slipping back into my old ways. I can feel those old "bad" thoughts creeping in & taking over.

I know it would be healthier for me anyway to be 5-10 pounds over weight then slip back to rail thin but I feel powerless to change direction. I think about eating something then put it down because I don't want to log the calories.

How to I balance this all out?

itsmemalak

I think you need to maybe see a dietician pr a nutritionist and basically just focuse on meeting your calorie goal which i think should be at least between 1200 and 1500 if you want to lose weight. If you feel like this is bad for you then you should maybe see a doctor and talk to him about this.

TavistockToad

Speak to a doctor.

You say that stress is making you want to not eat, can you work on reducing that stress?

kshama2001

Do seek professional help.

Golbat

This sounds like more than a person can reasonably handle alone. You said you never got treatment before. Now is probably a good time to start. Love to you!

realcalm

Please, dear girl, start talking to a therapist as soon as you can. I - for one, and probably many others here - will be worrying about you. Please let us know that you are getting help and getting back in control.

ahoy_m8

OP, your post seems thoughtfully expressed and well written. You might give yourself a wee bit more credit for self-awareness and self-direction.

Question for you: you say you never got treatment but just stopped the manipulative intake behaviors. Can you say more about that? What was your impetus for changing those behaviors? Step by step, how did you go from "huge body image issues" to happily maintaining a healthy weight for a couple decades?

I don't disagree with any input from posters above. Nothing, absolutely nothing, wrong with getting help when it will help you! In addition, I strongly suspect you have the wisdom and insight and ability within you to stay on a healthy course. It's a matter of getting in touch with all that you already have.

ETA: I also suspect your thoughts on your past successes could be helpful to me and others reading the boards.

upoffthemat

You sound pretty strong to me, but you are here asking the question and that seems to indicate you are at the limit of what you can do on your own. There is no shame in getting some help. You have done amazing on your own so far, but now is the time for a helping hand. Best wishes to you.

robininfl

My goodness, I have a very similar background to you. Hovered under 100lb until early 20's (I'm 5'9" but was 5'8" back then) and then recovered naturally somehow, my mind relaxed around food - until that point I NEVER put anything in my mouth without thinking about how many calories were in it, never felt good about eating anything, got feelings of dread when eating, felt good and virtuous when hungry.

Like you, I can't eat when stressed, and sometimes feeling hungry is comforting still, I am nearly 50 and that still happens.

You have been healthy for a long time, and yeah counting too closely can sometimes be a bad idea when you have a history of overcontrolling.

It would be good to see a therapist or someone to work through your fears, whatever is driving you to mal-nourish your body, and maybe try a simpler approach to the weight loss? Or set up a week's worth of standard meals - seven breakfasts, seven lunches, seven dinners, any combination of one breakfast, one lunch, and one dinner getting you close to the total calories, then eat those?

Also, from a mental perspective, I found it easier to think about what I wanted to weigh, then figure out the amount that would maintain that weight, then eat that, instead of focusing on eating less to lose (or in my case to gain) weight. It was less like a race or something to "progress" in, and more like a life.

See a professional and get a good diet plan that doesn't involve so much careful attention. My thoughts are with you.

maxit

Loss of appetite (anorexia, the medical condition - as opposed to the mental health condition) seems to be correlated in your current experience with stress. Your stomach hurting may also be correlated with stress or perhaps a medical condition. In your shoes I would schedule an appointment with my primary care provider to follow up on the stomach pain and general health. Yoga, tai chi, meditation, various "exercise" activities including running, biking and weight lifting can help moderate subjective feelings of stress. However, when you write that you don't have time to food shop I can't help but think you probably would find adding self-care activities into a busy life to add to stress (either related to not finding the time, or feeling guilty about not feeling like those things). What is making you so busy? Can you get a handle on that?

ItsMariii

I've never suffered from an eating disorder, but I want you to remind yourself of these truths .

Food is not your enemy. It's fuel for your body and mind to function normally.

Don't deny yourself of one of life's most simple pleasure....eating.

And remember , you already have enough self control to UNDER eat. Now use that same strength and discipline to consciously eat the things that will help soothe you during these stressful times. Take care of yourself.
Also, look into taking a multivitamin to support the lack of nutrients in your diet. It will help with stabilizing hormonal balances as well.

Trust yourself. Feel free to add me or message me if you are having a hard time or just a bad day

jwcanfield

I agree that you may need someone to help you get through this.

However I suggest that you start by developing weekly menu plans and then eating according to that plan - WHETHER YOU ARE HUNGRY OR NOT. Only because your self-aware paranoia will make this work for you. Noon - it's time for your meal and you have already planned the meal. Plan 3 basics per day (or however you wish to distribute with meals/snacks) at whatever you've determined to be your daily calorie intake. Hopefully after you do this for a week - or even a few weeks - you'll have your reset done. Good luck.

Trish1c

I actually don't need therapy. I have been in therapy long enough to be able to explain WHY I have these issues. I know my triggers; what I feared & what's happening is this counting is bringing back old bad habits. All a therapist is going to do is tell me I have to chose to make better decisions. That's lovely but I don't need 6+ weeks on somebody's couch at a cost of $200 per hour to get that information. I already know this.

What I need & I thank those of you who offered solutions is to figure out how to eat & still watch my calorie intake without being paranoid.

I still didn't get around to shopping but when my husband got his coffee this morning I gave in & paid $1.25 for one banana at the convenience store just so that I would eat breakfast. Had I planned better I could have gotten a bunch of bananas for less than I paid for the one but at least I'm more intelligently fueling my body. I also managed to bring something to eat for lunch & we're going out to dinner. Three meals covered.

Hopefully I can food shop tomorrow because I do seem to do better when there are healthy choices in the house that I can bring for lunch.

The biggest thing I have to re-learn is that food is good. Because along this journey that idea got twisted to food is bad & should be avoided. I went from having water to make sure I was truly hungry rather than just thirsty before I ate something, especially during those early weeks when you are hungry all the time, to now trying to substitute water for meals. My pendulum swung too far the other way so now I'm trying for balance. I think I will stock up on granola bars & Fiber one bars so I get some nutrients into my body. That should help, right?

I'd love to schedule time with a nutritionist but finding that hour is going to be tough.

Thanks for listening /reading.

RoxieDawn

Trish1c wrote: »

I actually don't need therapy. I have been in therapy long enough to be able to explain WHY I have these issues. I know my triggers; what I feared & what's happening is this counting is bringing back old bad habits. All a therapist is going to do is tell me I have to chose to make better decisions. That's lovely but I don't need 6+ weeks on somebody's couch at a cost of $200 per hour to get that information. I already know this.

What I need & I thank those of you who offered solutions is to figure out how to eat & still watch my calorie intake without being paranoid.

I still didn't get around to shopping but when my husband got his coffee this morning I gave in & paid $1.25 for one banana at the convenience store just so that I would eat breakfast. Had I planned better I could have gotten a bunch of bananas for less than I paid for the one but at least I'm more intelligently fueling my body. I also managed to bring something to eat for lunch & we're going out to dinner. Three meals covered.

Hopefully I can food shop tomorrow because I do seem to do better when there are healthy choices in the house that I can bring for lunch.

The biggest thing I have to re-learn is that food is good. Because along this journey that idea got twisted to food is bad & should be avoided. I went from having water to make sure I was truly hungry rather than just thirsty before I ate something, especially during those early weeks when you are hungry all the time, to now trying to substitute water for meals. My pendulum swung too far the other way so now I'm trying for balance. I think I will stock up on granola bars & Fiber one bars so I get some nutrients into my body. That should help, right?

I'd love to schedule time with a nutritionist but finding that hour is going to be tough.

Thanks for listening /reading.

All the nutrition you provide you body in the form of " granola bars & Fiber one bars" are gonna help you. And because there is this good and bad (food) evil thing circumventing your thoughts, you are unable to concentrate on what is deemed important and that is you NEED food.

Putting food into a high priority category is something you need to do, you need to start deeming your nutritional needs just as important as everything else that is important in your life and hectic schedule is a must.

If you cannot find an hour to a nutritionist where are you gonna find that hour to food shop? I might think that taking a shower, putting on my makeup and brushing my teeth for the day can wait (take this hour and go shopping) until I make that trip to the store to get some needed food to nourish my body. You need energy to keep going..

You are mindfully aware of what is happening to you right now, you have a lot experience with this, dig deep down and tap into experience and use that knowledge to bring you back.

Take the time your are spending writing on this board and make a grocery list and get to the store.

mitch16

Actually you do need therapy. It's a good start that you recognize that you are falling into old habits, but you need the therapy to help you control your stress levels and get you out of this pattern.

DebSozo

Hi Trish! I was afraid to eat fats for a long time because I was told that they have too many calories. But what I was doing was creating a deficiency. Once I started adding healthy fats I actually became calmer and less "angsty". My stress levels went down and I wasn't hungry. I had to force myself to add fats though because they had become the "enemy". It is strange how we can develop mindsets that are not true. The whole "low fat" fad had me believing that it is healthy cutting out fat. You might be able to find out what you personally are deficient in. Some people don't eat enough protein, for instance, or others don't get enough veggies for fiber and phytonutrients. Start thinking of rewarding your body with healthy food to encourage a healthy BMI range rather than being hungry and underweight. But you are experienced and know all of these things!

kshama2001

Trish1c wrote: »

I actually don't need therapy. I have been in therapy long enough to be able to explain WHY I have these issues. I know my triggers; what I feared & what's happening is this counting is bringing back old bad habits. All a therapist is going to do is tell me I have to chose to make better decisions. That's lovely but I don't need 6+ weeks on somebody's couch at a cost of $200 per hour to get that information. I already know this.

[snip]

What type of therapy did you have in the past? For now, what about some short term, results oriented, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy?

skyecita

Sometimes you have to force yourself to eat something, even if it's something small. I would check the amount of calories you are eating and if at the end of the day, you are eating too little, then "treat" yourself and eat something you like. Even if you are not hungry, it's a bad idea to let yourself fall into bad habits again.

That being said, just missing one or two meals, does not mean you have an eating disorder again. Nothing is all or nothing and you can have some off days and still go on with your life and be normal. Good Luck.

RoxieDawn

mitch16 wrote: »

Actually you do need therapy. It's a good start that you recognize that you are falling into old habits, but you need the therapy to help you control your stress levels and get you out of this pattern.

I tried not to through the therapy route advice, as OP was insistent that she knew what she was doing.. that mentality "I have been there and done that" already.

I always agree that accepting an issue or problem can always be or have the chance to be bigger than we can handle sometimes. A second or third time sometimes can be worse, and sometimes it comes knocking again and it can just be a wake up call that you have been there and done that, don't slip again.

OP I hope you find the right help and the right solution to this. I think you have received excellent assistance here.