How to deal with your father acting like you losing weight is a bad thing?
Fatvaporizer
Posts: 139 Member
So I have an issue. I've already lost over 30 pounds, and a lot of my family has reacted in a positive way, told me how good it is, etc. But my dad doesn't seem to like the fact that I'm losing weight. I know it's not that he doesn't care, because he does care about my wellbeing, but I can sense that he doesn't want me to change in the way of weight loss. Maybe he's used to me being 'fat' all my life? So I tell him of my successful weight loss, 'so I've already 30 pounds!' and he doesn't smile one bit. He just looks at me from head to toe, and I can see in his face that he just doesn't want me to change.
Especially today! After I got done working out, he said "you look unhealthy and tired, your lips are pale," right after my mom said how slim I had gotten. She seems to support me. The other day, (he knows I'm on a diet by the way), but he bought some cheese and chocolate, and I only had a very tiny bit of them, but he said stuff like "eat more of it...look how delicious it looks," and said "it's yummy," a lot after showing me the food. Why would he try to make me eat more if he knows I'm trying to lose weight. Also, some days ago, when I mentioned how many pounds I lost, he said "what if you become anorexic." I'm like... uhhh no, I still have so much body fat.
I know it's weird, but what do you think? Need opinions, thanks. And some might think it's jealousy but why would your own father be jealous of his son, right?
PS: Irrelevant but extra info. He's always been the overprotective type. I'm over 21 but he's still worried about me going out with friends, tells me not to drink alcohol, and doesn't let me drive on highways.
Especially today! After I got done working out, he said "you look unhealthy and tired, your lips are pale," right after my mom said how slim I had gotten. She seems to support me. The other day, (he knows I'm on a diet by the way), but he bought some cheese and chocolate, and I only had a very tiny bit of them, but he said stuff like "eat more of it...look how delicious it looks," and said "it's yummy," a lot after showing me the food. Why would he try to make me eat more if he knows I'm trying to lose weight. Also, some days ago, when I mentioned how many pounds I lost, he said "what if you become anorexic." I'm like... uhhh no, I still have so much body fat.
I know it's weird, but what do you think? Need opinions, thanks. And some might think it's jealousy but why would your own father be jealous of his son, right?
PS: Irrelevant but extra info. He's always been the overprotective type. I'm over 21 but he's still worried about me going out with friends, tells me not to drink alcohol, and doesn't let me drive on highways.
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Replies
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Stop bringing up your weight loss or weight loss effort around him. He either does not care or he actively dislikes what you are doing. Either way, continuing to talk to him about it is annoying. Just stop. You are not a child who has to run everything by Daddy.12
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Are you still living at home? If so, and you're not happy with the arrangement, consider living elsewhere (I think this might be a cultural thing, people in the US seem to stay living with their parents a lot longer than we do).4
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CurlyCockney wrote: »Are you still living at home? If so, and you're not happy with the arrangement, consider living elsewhere (I think this might be a cultural thing, people in the US seem to stay living with their parents a lot longer than we do).
Good point. It also made me laugh. I am in the US and assumed the OP may be in a different country because of living at home. I was graduated from college and married at 21. I sometimes forget that is not common.0 -
CurlyCockney wrote: »Are you still living at home? If so, and you're not happy with the arrangement, consider living elsewhere (I think this might be a cultural thing, people in the US seem to stay living with their parents a lot longer than we do).
Good point. It also made me laugh. I am in the US and assumed the OP may be in a different country because of living at home. I was graduated from college and married at 21. I sometimes forget that is not common.
Ooops! Maybe we're both the exceptions that prove the rule! I lived at home on and off, other than when I worked in the US, until I got married at 25, but all my friends left home at 17/18!1 -
As a fun fact, even if you have a lot of body fat, you may have hallmarks of anorexia and can get diagnosed with an eating disorder. You wouldn't get the 'Anorexia' diagnosis, but would be put under 'EDNOS' [Eating Disorders Not Otherwise Specified]. It is a legitimate concern, so I just wanted to post that in here for others.
[edit; if closer to underweight than overweight in the normal range, some may diagnose with atypical anorexia, but that depends on the doctor and is a bit contested in the community on whether it is correct to do or not]
That said, I would go with what the others said and avoid talking about it with them. I had to stop talk looong ago with my parents about the subject [and I do not live with them].3 -
Sounds like a typical worried parent to me. Keep doing what you are doing, keep reassuring him you are healthy and stress how much happier you are. Parents want their kids to be happy. My son could be 42 and I will still tell him to be careful when he walks out the door. Let it go, and be happy they care. You have a long time to deal with your parents, find out what works and get rid of that unnecessary stressor in your life. You wont "fix" your dad, so learn to appreciate him and maybe have some nice long talks about his family and see if there is a reason he feels this way. Its possible someone he cared about got very sick and lost a lot of weight or something. You just never know. But ultimately, you just find a way to make both of you feel good - tell him what he needs to hear, and dont hold it against him.
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It sounds like he is scared you will no longer be his little boy, the person he has always known. You are turning into someone he doesn't recognize (an adult in charge of yourself).
I would think out first what I wanted to say, tell him I am losing weight for my health, and ask him to be with me on my team, support me, and stop with the food sabotage and criticism. If you have a good relationship with him, ask him to go for a walk with you.
I agree totally with earlier comments -- move out and get place of your own. You're 21 and he worries about you going out with friends and won't let you drive on highways? What do you say about this? You're an adult. Why can't you drive anywhere you want? Some parents are very possessive and will always see you as a little kid or think they own you, even when you are 50 years old. Time to move out.2 -
I would go against all the advice here to be honest and do tell him about it. Sounds to me like he is worried about you and wants to make sure you don't go 'too far'. Reassure him by explaining what you are doing, why you are doing it and what your target is. If he sees that your goal is a healthy one and you are going to drop to a certain point and then enjoy your food while maintaining then he way see that you know what you are doing and he has no cause to worry. Explain to him the reasons you want to lose weight as well. Best of luck mate
Hm, true. I hope if they go the honest talking approach it doesn't end up like me. But to be fair, we all have different familial situations. Literally every time I see my parents, they will comment negatively on my body. x.o; With a big ol' frown, even when I was in the mid to lower 'overweight' range. No, my parents are not even obese, just overweight.
They had been trying to lose weight [had - I think they gave up again for the moment] through fad diets, and ignore my pointing out CICO after they complain about any gains or lack of loss. Shakes replace meals, they don't supplement, same with bars and slimfast, familllyyyy... Dx; And despite liking Rachel Ray, you shouldn't just dump EVOO on everything.. So much olive oil, unmeasured... /shudder
Reading others comments, I didn't actually look to see if OP was male or female. Props on the Dad for recognizing clearly that males can get eating disorders and not bothering with any of that stigma, damn.4 -
Fatvaporizer wrote: »So I have an issue. I've already lost over 30 pounds, and a lot of my family has reacted in a positive way, told me how good it is, etc. But my dad doesn't seem to like the fact that I'm losing weight. I know it's not that he doesn't care, because he does care about my wellbeing, but I can sense that he doesn't want me to change in the way of weight loss. Maybe he's used to me being 'fat' all my life? So I tell him of my successful weight loss, 'so I've already 30 pounds!' and he doesn't smile one bit. He just looks at me from head to toe, and I can see in his face that he just doesn't want me to change.
Especially today! After I got done working out, he said "you look unhealthy and tired, your lips are pale," right after my mom said how slim I had gotten. She seems to support me. The other day, (he knows I'm on a diet by the way), but he bought some cheese and chocolate, and I only had a very tiny bit of them, but he said stuff like "eat more of it...look how delicious it looks," and said "it's yummy," a lot after showing me the food. Why would he try to make me eat more if he knows I'm trying to lose weight. Also, some days ago, when I mentioned how many pounds I lost, he said "what if you become anorexic." I'm like... uhhh no, I still have so much body fat.
I know it's weird, but what do you think? Need opinions, thanks. And some might think it's jealousy but why would your own father be jealous of his son, right?
PS: Irrelevant but extra info. He's always been the overprotective type. I'm over 21 but he's still worried about me going out with friends, tells me not to drink alcohol, and doesn't let me drive on highways.
You are at an age when there is a transition in the relationship between parent and offspring. The parent is used to giving advice and protection and you don't need it anymore. Some parents may be feeling a little lost or threatened in what their role in your life is now. If your father was always the authority or problem solver and you are doing something on your own he may be feeling negativity for that reason.
Maybe it is time to start being more independent of your parent's opinions and support.
View yourself as an adult and approach them like you would other adults. They have opinions and experience. They are not always right. Hear them out but make up your own mind. Put less weight on their opinion of you and more on your opinion of yourself.
You might respond with "I am losing weight in a healthy way. I feel good. My doctor is pleased. I eat chocolate and cheese sometimes but I don't want it right now." Change the subject.
Don't talk about your weight loss if you don't want input or advice.1 -
A lot of people equate food with love and he may feel rejected because you are no longer eating the treats that you ate with enthusiasm before. (and therefore don't love him anymore) You may be able to get him to change his food pushing habits by suggesting treats that you would still like to eat with enthusiasm (fruit or salad, or whatever is in plan for you). Or you may be able to mollify the food pushing by giving him plenty of acceptance and affection not related to food or your weight loss, maybe take up some kind of activity you can do together that you both enjoy.1
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CurlyCockney wrote: »Are you still living at home? If so, and you're not happy with the arrangement, consider living elsewhere (I think this might be a cultural thing, people in the US seem to stay living with their parents a lot longer than we do).
It's perhaps cultural, but not US vs. UK. There's a lot of diversity within the US.2 -
Are your parents overweight? Also, what is your height/current weight and your goal? We assume you are overweight, but there are in fact people with disorders who believe they are fat when they are not. Not saying you are one of those people, but there just isn't enough information in your profile or original post to make that assumption one way or another.
I've been called 'anorexic' since I lost all my weight by people who are, in fact, overweight and honestly I believe are somewhat jealous. I don't let it bother me, I know what I want to see in the mirror, and my BMI is in the healthy range so I ignore it.3 -
Stop bringing up your weight loss or weight loss effort around him. He either does not care or he actively dislikes what you are doing. Either way, continuing to talk to him about it is annoying. Just stop. You are not a child who has to run everything by Daddy.
This. I don't know why people so often seem to want to talk to others who aren't necessarily interested about their weight loss. Assuming that you are a healthy weight (out of curiosity, age, stats, and goals?), I don't know why it bugs him, if it does, but sometimes seeing changes that seem drastic and fast can worry people, even if there's nothing to worry about. Maybe he thinks men should be big and worries that you are making yourself too small, who knows. My dad doesn't agree with everything I do (nor I, him), but that's okay, we can focus on other things.0 -
First off, evaluate yourself and make sure his concerns are actually unwarranted - have you dropped your 30 pounds very quickly, have you stopped doing things you used to enjoy in an effort to be thin, are you frequently commenting on the weight of people around you, are you eating in an excessive deficit (over .5-2 pounds of loss per week). If you are losing weight in a healthy manner, try having one talk with him then stop talking about your weight loss with him or your family when he's around.
I think you might be concerned about my weight loss, but here's why and how I'm doing it (hopefully in a safe way).
Show him the appropriate weight range for your height and why you'll be healthier long-term, what you're doing to get there, and how you plan to maintain it.
If you've always bonded over food, etc. your dad may just be upset because you have fewer things in common. Also, he's a human and definitely could be feeling jealous. It happens. But if he has legitimate concerns about your health and well-being, hear him out - 26 year old men can develop unsafe habits and eating orders too.0 -
I understand completely and have been in a similar situation with my mother. It can make you so angry when someone you are close to doesn't support your healthy lifestyle choices and actually tries to sabotage your progress by putting food in your face!
Try to remember this: These are HIS issues coming through and actually has very little to do with you... YOU are changing for the better. and that "change" actually makes your father feel disconnected to you in a way he's never felt before. It's the hardest thing in the world when your kids grow up and start doing things differently and making different choices. It can make parents feel sad and lonely and disconnected from their kids. But they don't really understand why they're feeling that way themselves. Dad feels sad and disconnected from you= doesn't understand or like those feelings= subconsciously figures bringing you back to the old ways will make everything better. Does that make sense?
It's still infuriating believe me I know. Try to spend some time with him doing things you always did together... even if it's just vegging in front of the TV... it might help him understand that change isn't so bad and that you're still you! Little by little it won't be such a big deal that you are skinnier and passing on the junk food! It'll just be the norm.
Even so though, You may never get the support you want from your dad, so keep getting the positive stuff from other family members. just remember these are HIS own issues coming out. You just keep being awesome and ignore the negative stuff from your dad. Good luck and well done!0 -
Sit him down. Don't yell. Don't accuse. Just talk to him. Tell him that his remarks hurt your feelings but assure him that you love him & know he loves you. See what his reaction is to that.
Then just stop taking to him about this & tune him out when he says un-supportive stuff.
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Dude! He is being a jerk and crossing boundaries. Sit him down, and calmly tell him that this is important to you, and he has been hurting you, and you want support, and tell him what he has been saying to you IS NOT OKAY and not to do it again. Be calm and nice the entire time.1
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How good of a relationship do you have with your father? Serious question? Do you guys hang out, do father son things together, etc.. Do you two have this open bond like some fathers and sons have?
I do not know anything about what type of home you live in, what country, etc. etc...
Your father may say he does not like anything you are doing, but he really might not know how to properly communicate to you in the first place and this is all he knows.. Also children that need constant approval may be looking for things from their father, mother etc.. and they either communicate it differently than you want them to or they do not know how to.
Some parents smother their children to death, some are more separated from their children. So without knowing anything about your home life, keep doing what you are doing for YOU.. It really does not matter anymore what you dad thinks.. I know you may want him too, but perhaps its time at 26 years old to not need that anymore, branch off and be the young adult that you are and just take care of you for you!!!0 -
Your profile states that you are a 26 year old male...so I'm just finding this a bit odd. At anyrate, how much are you eating...perhaps you dad isn't so concerned about you losing weight and is possibly more concerned with how you're going about it
I had a buddy who was pretty heavy and started dropping weight...he became pretty upset with myself and other friends because he thought we didn't support him losing weight...we did...we did not support him eating like 800 calories per day to do it.
IDK if that's the issue or not because I don't know what you're doing exactly...but just a thought.2 -
tcunbeliever wrote: »A lot of people equate food with love and he may feel rejected because you are no longer eating the treats that you ate with enthusiasm before. (and therefore don't love him anymore) You may be able to get him to change his food pushing habits by suggesting treats that you would still like to eat with enthusiasm (fruit or salad, or whatever is in plan for you). Or you may be able to mollify the food pushing by giving him plenty of acceptance and affection not related to food or your weight loss, maybe take up some kind of activity you can do together that you both enjoy.
This is a really interesting perspective. Was eating together something you and your dad did more of before you started on your weight loss journey? If so, he might just miss that connection with you. As others mentioned, maybe you could substitute a walk or other non-food activity that you can both enjoy.
Whatever the case may be, I wish you the best in figuring out what's right for you.0 -
Your profile says you're 26. He doesn't LET YOU drive on highways? I'm sorry, but I'm not understanding this dynamic. Are you living on your own, paying your own way?2
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I have no idea where he's from, but he might live in a country where the driving is atrocious. I am pretty sure my parent wouldn't want me driving anywhere In Egypt if I had the chance.
Nevertheless you are 26, so you should be able to have a meaningful discussion with your dad. He might have some valid concerns that yoy might not be aware of (are you losing too fast, obsessive about health To the point where it's interfering with other aspects of your life, etc). If it's nothing and he still makes comments, well, you have said your piece. Just focus on yourself.0 -
Stop living with your parents.0
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Update: He has started joining me on weight loss, but even so, he still sometimes tells me stuff like 'You shouldn't eat that little,' (when we're having food together...) so I feel like he wants me to eat as much as him so he doesn't feel guilty about his dieting? But yeah, just an update. 1
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