Why do i keep doing this to myself!

owieprone

(apology edit - sorry, this is massive!)

ooh separated at birth! Same issues, stress eating, mindless eating, little- no-motivation, binge eating, no willpower, lots of self recrimination, embarrassed and ashamed of myself.

I have Mal de debarquement... i'm basically forever drunk or forever on a very bad sea crossing. Sadly, it's not as fun as it sounds. I have to eat little and often to keep my energy relatively stable, if i eat too much i over do the exercise, if i eat too little i then binge to try get the energy back (it doesn't work like that, once i've lost energy only sleep works.. not great at 10 am at work). If i don't eat (or drink! i have to carry water with me at all times) i get very grumpy as my symptoms get worse and i feel starving or dying of thirst, not a bit peckish - proper i've not eating in 5 days starving. My symptoms will escalate and i am a danger to myself and others. And i'm lucky, i have a very mild version of this, i can work, shop (unfortunately), watch telly, and sometimes i can even walk in a straight line.

On the plus(?) side, I'm my town's version of early bono, never take my shades off. Maybe, more like judge dredd? I certainly have the demeanour.

the MdDs is not the cause of my eating problems, i am a fussy eater and a binge eater, it's just a 'reason' or issue i have to deal with alongside being seemingly unable to fully control my eating. I sabotage my healthy eating, i don't know why. Cos i'm not good looking enough to be thin, i'm not worthy of being thin, i'm lazy, i'm already fat so who cares, i'm fit so being fat too doesn't really matter (i am fit, but binging robs me of the benefits), i'll work it off in a sport, i've been for a walk... you probably know the rest. I can't even say what my real issue is, i'll probably never know, but i do keep trying to sort myself out.

Best thing i've done is pick an eating regime and that's it for life (5:2 is out for me, MdDs does react well to 600 calories a day). You know what you shouldn't eat and what you can't stop eating when you have it around, get rid of it, find an alternative. Processed carbs are the cause of my bread baby, i've gone low (processed) carb, because i find bread addictive. Tatties and rice are a rare food in my house. I've found alternatives that are tastier, healthy and take the same time to make, or are generally available at restaurants as sides. I managed to stay on this for years before falling right under the wheels of the wagon this year, i dunno why i did but here i am, flump shaped. Today is day 1 back eating properly.

There are foods i can't do without, either psychologically or physically, i'm not sure which, but i can manage those urges without resorting to binging. There are foods i have to cut down slowly, just eat less of each time (cheese! babybels are my saviour) and other things i have to just stop (bread, sweets). Work out what you need to stop eating and how best to do it for you, find alternatives to introduce at the same time so you're not 'done out'. Cheat meal is one course, once a fortnight; not once a week, it makes looking forward to it so much better and knowing it's so far away but so close helps me out alot. I do miss out my cheat meal once in a while, by having food at MILs, who's food is soo good i forget it's healthy... i should employ her as my chef (also free food, can't say no).

it takes abit of researching/googling/youtubing/pinteresting and fiddling around with recipes, and annoyingly some cooking (i hate cooking, which also doesn't help). But worth the time and effort eventually. I swear some of the stuff i've found as alternatives tastes soo much better than the original craving, when i finally have the original food it's so disappointing it puts me off it for good. It's a slow process and i've fallen off the wagon loads, but i keep trying cos my symptoms get so much better when i stick to it. You'd think that would be motivation enough.

Find a different stress buster, a different emotional crutch. My main crutch is sports, i do 6. I love sports, and the kit, and the eejits who do them with me. Yep, sometimes having an addictive personality is a good thing, just as long as you know a good chiropractor when it goes wrong.

Hope sharing my uselessness at controlling my eating is helpful, if nothing else, you know you're definately not alone.

Good luck. Get ready, set, keep trying.