Negative self talk + past of irresponsible 'dieting' + ludicrous expectations = horribly down

Livgetfit

Hi there! So I don't know quite where to begin but I am really struggling.

I just feel so awful about my body. I am currently about 165lbs. My highest weight was in 2009 where I came in at 213lbs. I am 5'3 so I was pretty much as wide as I was tall. I am very proud of myself for getting here but lately it has been creeping back on and I am so down as a result.

This time last year I put myself on a dangerous, self crafted 'diet' where I hardly ate over 500 calories per day and I finally reached a weight I was happy with; 145lb.

I lost it in such an extreme and ridiculous way that of course it came back on. I was in denial for a while but recently acknowledged how big I have gotten again. I hate to look in the mirror, none of my clothes fit me, I constantly think about nothing but how unattractive I am, I hear my mother telling me to 'never gain that weight again' this time last year over and over in my head and I obsess about my boyfriend being repulsed by me (he's not, he loves me, he is nothing but supportive and this is all me).

I react by wanting to do the same as last year but I know how wrong that is. I know that it will mean this lose-regain-lose-regain cycle will continue. I know how badly I am treating my body. I know how much it affects my mental well-being.

But when I think abut how I lost the weight before in a healthy way, all I seem to focus on is the fact that it took SO long and I never even reached my goal.

My question to those of you who are doing this responsibly is how do you cope with how slow this process it?

If you are someone who family & friends describe as being 'hard on yourself' (I get this constantly), how have/are you overcoming this?

How do you avoid the traps of falling back into negative destructive behaviour?

The reality of this being a long road and one which will be bumpy is clear to me. I know that CICO is the only thing which makes sense. I'd just love help with the motivational/willpower/mental-battle 'Hows' because right now I feel so unhappy and trapped in this cycle....I just want out

kommodevaran

You have 20 pounds to lose? You can lose the weight in less than a year. Maybe six months. That's nothing. You'll probably have your body for 60 more years. Think about how you will want to feel for 60 years. Stressed out, worried and exhausted? Relaxed, at peace, feeling safe? Seems to me the focus on battle/willpower has to go.

Livgetfit

kommodevaran wrote: »

You have 20 pounds to lose? You can lose the weight in less than a year. Maybe six months. That's nothing. You'll probably have your body for 60 more years. Think about how you will want to feel for 60 years. Stressed out, worried and exhausted? Relaxed, at peace, feeling safe? Seems to me the focus on battle/willpower has to go.

Woah. That's what I wrote this for: Logic. I hadn't even realised it was what has been missing. Logic has been lost in crappy feelings of self-loathing. It's like when you stare at a picture so long it becomes distorted.

Thanks for that @kommodevaran. That is incredibly helpful and something I can really build on.

trigden1991

The best diet is the one that you are able to be consistent with. Use MFP to lose weight at a sensible rate then when you hit your goal weight you can increase your calories to maintain.

As you have found, crash diets work but are not sustainable and take an incredible amount of willpower not to gain afterwards.

kenyonhaff

Well, here's some stuff that works for me:
*The weight did not go on quickly, and so it won't go off any quicker.
*The slower the weight comes off, the more likely it actually is to stay off. (To a great extent, anyway. It doesn't have to be at a glacial pace, but the point is very quick weight loss backfires more often than not.)
*Don't let your self-worth be determined by BMI, for better or worse. Yeah, it feels good to be at a good weight and that's important. But one can also have good self-image and self-confidence when heavier, too.

workinonit1956

Also, the time will pass either way. Do it in such a way that you enjoy the journey;)

eIIekay

hi liv...nothing makes me want to eat more than feeling bad about myself. I feel good when i stick to my calorie goal, even though i am so far from my weight goal right now. CICO works...even though sometimes it seems way too slow (it's not, it just feels that way). Exercise also makes me feel good about myself. Then, there's the added bonus of having more calories to play with. Try to remember the good feeling you had when you dipped below 200. You are not even close to that now! You can do it!

angelexperiment

It can be slow, but as you lose you readjust your calories needs for that magic number you lose at. And your body may not lose for awhile as it adjusts to the new weight. But you keep doing what your doing and it will come off eventually though it's frustrating! But be kind to yourself, eat in a healthy way that you can keep doing ( eating 500 is not sustainable and you need more just to live) also you do not want to burn out your adrenal glands eating like that.

So my suggestion is to put away the clothes that don't fit in a container and go get some clothes that do fit and make u feel awesome. And as you lose weight try on the old clothes in 10 lb loss increments ( this was always helpful to me to see how close I am).


Find some positive in what you are doing and instead of negativity replace with positive things like I like how I look today, I am worth eating healthy today, etc.

Get your mom out of your head, and just know her intentions are good but words are not. I had to do this with my mom too as her words would stick with me too and had to do a lot of emotional inside cleaning with her to fix that.

Find someone you admire and look up to in their journey and do as they do. I look for someone who's been around awhile who logs on constantly and is good tracking foods etc things you may need help doing and talk to them.

CattOfTheGarage

For me it was a matter of accepting the end of my old way of living, and accepting that this new lifestyle - tracking my food and exercise - is for ever.

I came to realise that the way I was living left me at very real risk of diabetes, and so if nothing changed, I would end up having to manage that condition, which would mean tracking my food, so there was no way out of it - I could choose to track voluntarily and start on a road to being healthy, mobile and longer lived, or I could refuse and end up in pain, with less mobility, health problems, and then be forced to track everything anyway, with the extra bonus of injections.

I realised that it didn't matter how long it took, or even if I never lost weight at all, because maintaining at my current weight is way, way better than getting heavier every year, as I would if nothing changed.

I realised that even if I reached my goal weight, there would be no going back - even if I found a way to eat right without tracking calories, I could never go back to acting like it was Christmas every day. Never.

And I realised, eventually, that I didn't want to. That Christmas is better when it's only once a year. That chocolate tastes better as a treat. That I feel better when I eat better. That I'm actually happier now, still obese but tracking and slowly losing weight, than I was when I was obese and eating whatever I wanted. So if I never reach my goal, I still know I can live like this, and I'm so much better off than I ever was before.

Livgetfit

Thank you all so much. There are some great thoughts here which I can't wait to process. I am at work at the moment but just wanted to say I really appreciate each response.

lemurcat12

I am 5'3 and went from over 200 to 125, so can speak to the "slow" worry. I think you will find -- especially since you are only 20 lbs over a weight you are happy with -- that just feeling in control again and seeing the scale go down will make you feel better and more confident, that slow will work fine. I also think it helps to have perspective -- at 1 lb/week, you will be at goal in less than half a year, and if you are like me (although I suppose this is less so when younger), just think of how quick a year passes. More significant still, if you do it in a painless, sustainable for a long time, don't feel like I'm dieting kind of way, doing it for a long time doesn't seem so burdensome, and then you can transition more easily to maintenance.

Another thing I find helps is to focus (especially at the beginning) on changes that relate to overall fitness and health (eating well, exercise, maybe a fitness goal like running a race or doing a bike ride or whatever it is you enjoy), as that is another way to see the achievements that is in addition to seeing the number on the scale, and being able to say "I ran X miles!" or "I worked out 5 days this week!" or "I did a proper deadlift or squatted X lbs!" or whatever your goal is, again, can help with confidence and feeling good about what your body can do on the way to the goal.

Lounmoun

You seem very focused on your looks in terms of weight and unhappy regardless of how you really appear to others.
When I hated my body several years ago it helped to start a list of things I liked about myself. I tried to come up with 10 things I liked not things my husband or mother or neighbor liked about me. It was hard. My mindset was super negative and took real work to change. Changing my thoughts to positive made a big difference though.
You are you no matter what the number on the scale says. Maybe a counselor or therapist could help you work through your feelings.
I started at 179lbs and am 5'4". I'm 156 lbs today. I'd like to lose another 10-30 lbs. Even if I don't I am healthier which was my motivation to lose. I can do more things. I have more energy. I deserve to have a good quality of life and be healthy. I don't think I will be vastly more attractive the lower my weight is. I do not have a deadline for my loss just doing what I can each day/week. I do eat like a normal person just the right amount for me. I want something I can sustain instead of quick results.

ClosetBayesian

The good thing about losing slowly is you build skills that are sustainable. It took me four years to lose roughly 100 lbs - so, on average, about half a pound per week: SLOWLY. But I know how to eat in a way that is sustainable. I don't panic when I go out to eat or go out of town on business - I know how to handle all that, because I've had a lot of practice. I re-gained about 30 pounds a few years ago after having baby #3. Not surprisingly, it took a year to lose that weight - again, on average, half a freaking pound per week. I'm sure I could have cut more calories, which would have led to losing more quickly, but I'm comfortable with how I live with myself. There's something to be said for that.

daz2270

Focus on the process not some end destination. It's not a race. It's taken me 18 months to lose 60lbs, which is less than 1lb a week on average. I've had some set backs along the way but having a long term view has helped me put such set backs in perspective and not "lose the plot". Be patient and go easy on yourself.

GottaBurnEmAll

I'm 5'1". When I was younger I was 5'3". Being obese (210 pounds) gave me early disc degeneration which caused scoliosis and I'm losing height because of it. I'm 116 pounds now.

I used to engage in a lot of negative self-talk too, and never felt comfortable in my fat body. My mother was very negative and judgmental about it. She put me on my first diet when I was 12 years old. At the time, my aunt was living with us. She was also really hyper critical about things and very appearance focused. She was an extremely good looking woman, it was natural for her to think that the world revolved around looks.

I had had a rocky relationship with food and thinking about my body for years since then.

It took a medical diagnosis to get the ball rolling for me, but what made the changes stick was realizing the importance of a few key things:

• My own agency and power to change. I think so many of us underestimate ourselves and don't believe we can do it.
• The power of habit.
• The power of consistency.
• The power of persistence, even in the face of slipping up.
• The power of being kind to yourself.
• The power of setting goals.

I was used to giving food power. To giving the people around me power to upset me by how they judged me. To even giving the negative voice inside my head the power to stop me. I started simply practicing some positive self talk. I did all this on my own, but I'm guessing this is sort of a cognitive behavioral approach. A lot of people have successfully addressed issues with The Beck Diet Solution. You could order it from Amazon and see if it helps you if you think you can't do it on your own.

I never liked exercise in my entire life, but deciding that I'd do something for just 3 weeks, every day, was enough to make the habit stick. I did this more and more with all sorts of things including food choice, and found, over time, that I developed habits. Habits, after all, are just things you're used to repeating. I needed to exercise for my medical condition, but now I exercise because I love it. Also, now that I'm close to maintenance, setting fitness goals gives me something fun to focus on and challenge myself. I love competing with myself to improve. It builds the confidence I've nurtured.

Consistency doesn't mean never messing up. It means not throwing in the towel when you do. See: persistence.

Having goals in mind keeps you focused. When I first started, I used to preplan my eating for the day. It gave me a consistent focus for me eating and freed me from worrying about my calorie limits. Now, as I mention, my goals are more fitness related and are more of a fun nature, because I'm a different type of person. I'm not worried. I'm more secure in myself, I'm more confident, I'm relaxed about things, and I want to improve upon what I've accomplished.

You can do all of this too. I know you can.

Livgetfit

This post is the best thing I have done in a long time. You are all a wealth of knowledge and kind to boot. Thank you so much for sharing your stories, techniques and opinions. I really appreciate the time each of you put into answering this. You've really helped and I hope you all get some good karma for your efforts to help an internet stranger.

courtneyfabulous

Watch/listen to this:

https://youtu.be/Xb3HSHDGJPs

It's tips about how to have a positive relationship with food, not letting your weight define your self worth, etc.

courtneyfabulous

Also watch/listen to this:

https://youtu.be/qWcExpVN8eY

It's about habits and mindsets for SUCCESSFUL weight loss

courtneyfabulous

Try to focus on the small goals and doing what you have to do every day, not the final weight you want to be. If you can get through today eating within your (healthy) calorie goal and do some form of exercise then you have won today. Try to win each day, and if you don't win try to do your best at least. Or if you fail miserably try to learn from it and pick yourself up and win tomorrow.

If you are doing the right things most days the weight loss will happen. Don't try to rush, don't even try to give yourself a time limit or a weight goal. Just learn to make doing the things that get you there part of your normal habits & lifestyle and rejoice in the small accomplishments you achieve every day.

jnlamppert

Take pictures every week. If you look hard enough at them you'll find improvements. Another way to help your motivation is to start lifting weights or doing some sort of strength training. Find something you enjoy. You will see your body start to change within the first few weeks and that may be the motivation you need to keep going.

It's a slow process but it's also a lifestyle. Figure out ways to be happy and you won't feel like it's so hard. Eat the things you like to eat. If they're high-calorie, high-carb foods, eat them in moderation and eat some veggies on the side. You don't have to give up anything.

Also, the scale is not the be-all-end-all. Keep a journal and every day write down how you are feeling and what you're eating. You'll find certain foods that work well with your body, that give you energy, and make you feel better than others. If you mess up or eat too much, don't worry! Blow it off. We are all human, we all do it. Get back on track the next day and let it go. Unless you're messing up your eating habits on a weekly basis, continually, it won't make a huge difference in your overall goals.

You can do it!

courtneyfabulous

Also try to get exercise and eat enough protein. If you lost weight in the past with extremely low calories it's likely that you lost a lot of muscle. You want to prioritize losing fat and not muscle, not the opposite. Most weight loss techniques women commonly employ (extremely low calories, quick weight loss, lots of cardio, no weight lifting, eating a lot of carbs but low fat and too little protein) just result in muscle loss and a "skinny fat" look by the end of it. And this isn't a problem just aesthetically- it's actually bad for your health. Low lean muscle mass and high body fat percentage (even if you LOOK like you're at a normal or thin weight) is not good for overall health.

Watch this video too:

https://youtu.be/cZLwZRD7BWc

courtneyfabulous

I also find that focusing on health and feeling great is a far better goal than focusing on weight loss and getting to a certain number in the scale.

I don't even really have a goal weight in mind, I just want to be at a healthy BMI, lose fat, and have good muscle tone. I want to have good strength and stamina and feel fit & healthy. I want to be as healthy as I can to avoid health conditions in the future. I want to feel confident in how I look.

In the past I thought I wanted to look like a model and just be as thin as humanly possible, but that led to anorexia, being sick all the time, feeling awful, mood swings.... that's not any way to live. My body isn't meant to look like that.

Try to be the best version of yourself but also accept yourself as you are now. It's hard to make progress from a place of hate & desperation.

Proper healthy weight loss takes time. Just accept that. It's annoying but there's really no alternative.

davis978

Hi Liv.

I can really sympathize with you because I have been where you are. I was obese as a child, until I went to college. I decided to be the thin person I had always told myself I could be. I lost 150 pounds (more than half my body weidht) in about 12 months by doing some extremely unhealthy things. I was happy with how I looked but miserable in every other way imaginable, and of course, I could not sustain that body weight long term. I regained about 30 pounds (to 180), and then started gaining and losing about 15 of those pounds over and over again. Here's what eventually I discovered that changed everything for me.

Someone suggested the "eating for the future you" method. Basically, you calculate you TDEE at the weight you would like to be, and then start eating that number of calories today. And every day. For the rest of your life. My issue is that eating well and treating my body well was always something I thought of as temporary. When I went to this system, it was no longer temporary. It was the new plan, for today, the next day, and every day from here on out. I don't know why, but this totally changed my mindset. There was still a finish line in terms of the weight I wanted to be, but it just didn't mean the same thing it used to, because absolutely nothing was going to change once I got there. I didn't have to get to that finish line in order to feel good about myself. The down side of this plan is exactly what you are struggling with - it's slow, especially at you approach your goal. Those last 4 pounds took almost 6 months to lose. But, again, it didn't matter all that much, because I knew exactly what I was going to do to get there, and nothing would change once I did get there. This shift in mindset did everything for me. I can't promise it will work for you, but maybe it's worth a try? There are lots of good TDEE calculators out there - do a google search, use several, and compare the results they give you.

Here are a few other things that really helped me, although none as much as the eating for the future you method.
1. Eat enough protein, which for me is at least 30 grams at every meal, plus some for snacks. This helps me manage physiological hunger. Psychological hunger is another matter.
2. Eat enough fiber. For me that's about 30 grams per day. Same reason as above.
3. Realize that you are going to slip up sometimes. Failure isn't when you slip up, it's when you decide to give up because you slipped up. I really think of this as a "one day at a time" commitment such as in AA. It doesn't matter what I ate last year, or last week, or five minutes ago - I can always make my next choice a good one, and good choices are never wasted, regardless of what happened in the past.
4. Lift heavy. Okay, heavy lifting isn't for everyone. But, I will tell you that when I started lifting, my body really changed, and I found myself much happier at a given weight that I had been before at that same weight. Plus I just felt badass, and that also really helped me feel like I could stick to my food goals. There are lots of good lifting programs out there, some designed for women. I used StrongLifts 5 x 5 because I liked the simplicity, but look into various ones and see if there is one that is right for you. There are also several MFP groups for ladies who lift.

Best of luck. Sending you positive energy. You can do this.

rose313

I have felt the same way as you for a long time. I can relate to a lot of your post. I'm going to use the same advice you were given to teach myself how to approach weight loss differently.

courtneyfabulous

"Failure isn't when you slip up, it's when you decide to give up because you slipped up"

Wow I love that Davis978

LAWoman72

Re: the "slow" thing...I hear you. Right now I am losing what feels like excruciatingly slowly - i.e., some weeks, nothing at all; some weeks, half a pound, and some a quarter pound.

Every so often I'll be surprised by a comparatively big loss, like 1.5 lbs.

I think of it this way: better to lose tiny bits or even maintain than to gain. So what if I remain this weight for the next two or three weeks without a budge? I think of where I was last year, hopeless and in despair at 212 pounds. I literally would have fallen on my knees in gratitude at that time to weigh what I weigh today (low 160s) even though I'm still very overweight now.

So what about slow? You're going in the right direction and on weeks where maybe you don't lose, you're still not actively going in the wrong direction. Live your life right now, at the weight you are right now. Don't look back on these days as days of no life because all you could do was hate yourself for your weight and past mistakes. Today will never come again.

szkodzt

All great advice here!

My tips:
1. If you are not exercising, find something you like and commit to it. It is great not only for the way you feel in your body (ie clothes fit better) but also for your mind.
2. If you are really frustrated, maybe take a small "diet break." This seems to help me when I get frustrated, however, you need to make sure it is only a break, and not a give up!
3. Concentrate on the Non-Scale Victories - these help you to see how far you have come even if the scale isn't showing it. There is a GREAT thread on the Success Board where everyone posts these - very inspiring to read and I keep up with it every day!

ElvenToad

Well I've spent a lifetime morbidly obese so having the process take a long time was really no different than any ordinary day. I've never been at a healthy weight until now so all I've ever known is feeling miserable and uncomfortable with my body. I finally decided to take control of my disordered eating habits and lost 141 pounds over the past 2.5 years. That's a long time to be in weight loss mode!

How did I deal with the slow process? I just knew that giving up wasn't an option and if I wanted the weight off I didn't have a choice. I wanted to lose in a healthy way, didn't want to starve and be miserable not eating the foods I love. I knew that whatever changes I made had to be sustainable or it would all be for nothing. That definitely puts things into perspective!

lorrpb

Livgetfit wrote: »

Hi there! So I don't know quite where to begin but I am really struggling.

I just feel so awful about my body. I am currently about 165lbs. My highest weight was in 2009 where I came in at 213lbs. I am 5'3 so I was pretty much as wide as I was tall. I am very proud of myself for getting here but lately it has been creeping back on and I am so down as a result.

This time last year I put myself on a dangerous, self crafted 'diet' where I hardly ate over 500 calories per day and I finally reached a weight I was happy with; 145lb.

I lost it in such an extreme and ridiculous way that of course it came back on. I was in denial for a while but recently acknowledged how big I have gotten again. I hate to look in the mirror, none of my clothes fit me, I constantly think about nothing but how unattractive I am, I hear my mother telling me to 'never gain that weight again' this time last year over and over in my head and I obsess about my boyfriend being repulsed by me (he's not, he loves me, he is nothing but supportive and this is all me).

I react by wanting to do the same as last year but I know how wrong that is. I know that it will mean this lose-regain-lose-regain cycle will continue. I know how badly I am treating my body. I know how much it affects my mental well-being.

But when I think abut how I lost the weight before in a healthy way, all I seem to focus on is the fact that it took SO long and I never even reached my goal.

My question to those of you who are doing this responsibly is how do you cope with how slow this process it?

If you are someone who family & friends describe as being 'hard on yourself' (I get this constantly), how have/are you overcoming this?

How do you avoid the traps of falling back into negative destructive behaviour?

The reality of this being a long road and one which will be bumpy is clear to me. I know that CICO is the only thing which makes sense. I'd just love help with the motivational/willpower/mental-battle 'Hows' because right now I feel so unhappy and trapped in this cycle....I just want out

Please re-read the boldfaced statements in your post. You have the answers to the questions you asked. These are the things you have to tell yourself in place of the negatives. Print out these statements and other motivational quotes that inspire you. Stick them where you will see them every day. My computer monitor is covered with positive quotes! I have a journal full of them! I read them while I'm watching TV or whatever.

Secondly, read some success stories on this forum, especially those of people who've lost 50 or 100 or 150 or even more pounds. THAT takes a long time, much longer than 20 lbs takes. It has taken me 2 1/2 years of steady losses to get to maintenance. When I thought of how long it was taking meme, I would think about people who had even more to lose and took even longer. It was a long time, but I wanted the changes, I did NOT want to go back to where I started. THAT is what keeps me motivated and following the plan I established.

Before I ever walked in the door of my trainer's studio, I had decided in my mind that I would need to change the way i ate for the rest of life, and I only wanted to make changes I felt would be sustainable. I know I can't go back to my old ways of eating, no matter how much I would like to. I like being pain free and active and happy and energetic much more than the momentary satisfaction of certain eating habits. This is life. You gotta make some choices and you have to live with the ones you make, until you are courageous enough to make new choices.

a45cal

There's a lot of good advice here; I just wanted to add something regarding the negative thoughts and being "hard on yourself".

A technique that a lot of therapists suggest to patients with negative thoughts is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It boils down basically to this: When a negative thought about yourself comes to mind, consciously stop the thought and tell yourself it's not true. Then find something positive to tell yourself instead. The opposite usually works.

For instance, if you find yourself thinking that your boyfriend finds you repulsive. Stop the thought and tell yourself he loves you and thinks you're beautiful.

What you let yourself focus on determines the direction your thoughts will continue to go in. If you practice checking the destructive thoughts when they get started, you'll usually find that it's easier to keep a positive mindset. You might have to do it a lot at first, and it might feel cheesy, but a lot of people have had success being more positive in the long term by doing it.

I hope it helps. Good luck.