One step forward, two steps back

Kullerva

Hi, everyone! I am Kullerva, and I would like to tell you a story. It's not a happy story and it isn't over yet, but I am interested in feedback and advice as I move past this stumbling block and into the future. So, on with it.

When I was a toddler (almost three), I broke my leg during the Hokey Pokey and was immobilized for three months. During this time, I was molested by one of my babysitters--which continued on, intermittently, for almost two years. (My best friend at the time was also a victim.) I remember begging my parents for a dog--preferably a big one--from the age of three and a half on, and we finally got one when I was four. Harley was a German shepherd/Husky/wolf mix, and he kept the nasties away from me for seventeen years. I will always love him and never forget him, because he made me feel safe.

My father is an alcoholic and a porn addict; also a marital rapist but that isn't something that's acknowledged in these parts. (My mom broke his ribs once to get him off her.) My parents are long divorced (thank God) but I was exposed, through experience and environment, to some pretty awful stuff. My dad's drunk friends would break into my room at night as a teenager, driving Harley and I nuts, so I started taking self-defense. Mom and I left dad shortly after.

As I grew up, I put on weight. Lots of it. I'm 5'4", and when I was almost 200lbs I had an emotional breakdown and tried to kill myself. I still have no idea how I survived (I downed the whole bottle of pills, and my gut is still thanking me for that), but I chose to turn everything around and not turn out like my father.

So I did. I've lost 42 lbs and kept it off. I still take karate and self-defense. I eat much better than I used to. I recently discovered that one of my legs is longer than the other because of the break when I was little, and am taking mitigation steps to repair the damage to my skeleton. And I've also made the somewhat drastic decision to cut my father and his family out of my life.

So it's like this. A few weeks ago, I called my dad to express how shaken I was by the outcome of the American election, bringing up my abuse (which my mother had already told him about). He called me a liar, tried to make everything about politics, called me a liar again, and said I was disparaging him as a father. He said it was "mean of you" to call him a bad father (which I didn't, though he is/was)...and then I hung up. Mom took care of the other relatives, who have always supported dad (even during the divorce), and we're just not talking to them anymore.

My weight has shot up (6 pounds in two weeks; I'm not happy) and even though I know Thanksgiving probably caused some of that, I'm depressed about the whole thing. I do think I did the right thing (my dad's done so much awful stuff to me that merely thinking about him becomes a nightmare tour down memory lane), but I don't really feel better. It feels like I never really had a dad, and now I never will. I've moved past the physical abuse in a lot of ways (and I think it was what made me initially gain weight, in an attempt to be invisible), but the emotional abuse...I'm not sure that ever fully heals.

My plan going forward is to get back on the meal plan, measure everything on the scale, and do as much exercise as I can handle. This whole experience has helped me become closer to mom's family, which is a plus. I also plan to get myself another German shepherd mix. The dog won't be Harley, but I've always loved dogs.

Really, I just need to stop eating so much, for whatever reason. I didn't come this far just to go back. And I'd be willing to listen to others who have encountered family obstacles--how do you stay focused on your decision to live a better life? How do you communicate to yourself that you are valued, when you haven't been by so many people who were close to you?

And that is all, for now. I am sorry if the story was overly sad, but I am actually feeling much better today than I have in a long time. Years, in fact.