How do you get over someone you are in love with?

healthybearey

Not directly MFP related but was hoping for some advice... LONG POST - (Sorry!)

I'm 20 if that counts for anything, A few days ago I found out that a guy ive been seeing (complicated) for about 4 1/2 years now has been 'messing' around with other women - i had my suspicions a few weeks back, and he just said that i was being delusional and that's its all in my head - but after knowing this guy for a long time, everything he was saying seemed so off! Few days ago i did some digging around (i know it's not the best thing to do) but, i found clear evidence of him firstly, lying about what he said and him making moves on other women..

I confronted him by text at first, he just said i'm being moody and that i've got 'problems' - called him many times to try and speak about it rather than text, he just kept ignoring my calls - by this point i was literally distraught, because hes ignoring me, i've found out hes been lying to me plus he didn't seem to be bothered that i had found out he was lying - his last text was to stop calling him, he doesnt want to talk to me

So, last night I was so upset / probably one of the lowest points in my life so far (not an exaggeration)- got to about 3/4am and i still could not sleep, just kept crying - so i deleted him off everything / all social media, his number -i've done this before but i always have gone back to him! he is literally like a drug.. and the first person i can truly say i have fallen in love with - we would be in contact most of the day, everyday for the past few years even me being away at university... basically my personal life has revolved around him and only him - so i've become isolated other than my friends back at home (i'm studying at uni at the moment so am away from home for another year).

My eating habits are ok at the moment - i haven't binged yet and have maintained my weight loss - but it's the sleeping and constantly feeling like crying aspect that its getting to me as i'm also trying to focus on essay deadlines etc.. i spend most of my time at my uni home because i need to get my essays and work done - this years work has been extremely stressful already

Im worried that I won't ever get over him as im so used to having daily contact with him for all these years and that i will run back to him as i tried to yesterday... i don't know how to forget him / move on.

Any tips would be great....

melmelw03

I promise you, you will survive this. Keep busy with your studies, exercise, go pamper yourself or do something just for you. I know it sucks and you feel like it's the worst thing to ever happen to you, but you will move past it. Do not keep contacting him. Rejection breeds obsession. Perhaps you will find the closure you need later on, but sometimes there just isn't that closure.

km8907

It's normal to mourn the loss of a relationship, but the worst thing you can do is go back. He's already showed you how much he cares about you, which is not at all and that won't change. It'll take time, but you deserve someone who can reciprocate your feelings. He isn't it. Concentrate on school and try to get some exercise in. Even a walk. Something to get those endorphins going.

MsAmandaNJ

He cheated, lied, called you delusional, then refused to talk about it. Easy way to get over him is to really understand and accept that you are worth so much more. It's hard in the beginning, still a bit of a shock even though you had suspicions, but time really does help. DO NOT go back to him, like you said, he's like a drug...I've been there, went back to a guy and it just made me feel *kitten* because I knew I deserved better, "but he made me feel so good". Barf. As for the sleeping, try listening to a guided meditation in bed. It helps me relax and get a good rest.

Just_J_Now

I’m sorry you’re heartbroken. That always sucks. I recommend you don’t contact him at all. I know it’s not easy but if you continue to do so and keep getting rejected, you’re only going to feel worse. It sounds cliché, but time really does heal all wounds. This too shall pass.

bluebell88xx

Keep him blocked on everything its the only thing to do. You will think about him all the time and I know it hurts, I have been there aswell, but it will get better I promise. My ex made me out to be some crazy psycho when I found out he was cheating and that it was all in my head, IT WASNT. You deserve to be treated with respect and that douche does not deserve a second of your time!

Go out with your friends, make news ones, get a new hobby

bluebell88xx

Oh and a good app for sleeping is called Pzizz, I use it when my anxiety is bad and it works a treat for me

RoxieDawn

I had one of these when I was nineteen. 4 years of my life with the same dude and I thought I was going to die, could not even concentrate on nothing..

the first one is the worst, the second one not as bad.. if you are lucky you might hit the nail on the head on the second one, but it took me 3 loves to find the right one.

Did I say I thought I was going to die? I thought so at the time.

benmullins4

Go get ratchet with every dude you find remotely attractive...

Or don't. Might not be the best advice you'll read here...

Unknown

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Veganniee

It might seem like you won't get over him but you will and it will be easier than you think. It might not be easy but you'll manage. Work will be a good distraction. Your concentration might be off for a bit but it'll come back. You can do this. I'm very old and have been through it loads!

Karb_Kween

He sounds like a real *kitten*, do yourself a favor and get out there and find somebody better

You need to distract yourself and keep busy. Download Tinder - distraction
Find a hobby - keeping busy

KyleGrace8

Keep him blocked and don't go lurking. It's true that rejection breeds obsession. I really thought I was in love with someone for far too long bc I kept lurking and that kept me on track to not getting over the situation. When someone tells you that they don't want you, believe them. If they treasured you they would never do anything to lose you. He's not thinking about you. He's not secretly in love with you. The best you could hope for is that none of his other girls want to screw one night and he might look you up for a booty call. There's tons of other guys who can prove to be even better than he was. Focus on you studies and yourself and don't worry so much about finding someone else. Just put love on the back burner and you'll run into by accident one day. Ask any family members or mutual friends not to give you updates on him. I wouldn't even recommend any dating sites and maybe this is just my experience but there's not anyone on there for you (unless looking to hook up) for the vast, vast majority. If all else fails, write out a list of pros and cons about the guy and what he brings to your life. "good sex" and "butterflies" don't cancel out "cheating", "making me feel like I'm crazy for following my instincts that I was right about". Hope I was even a little helpful. Sorry you're going through this bc I know it's really, really difficult.

rml_16

You will get over him. It takes time. When I was in your situation, I saw a therapist and he offered short-term antidepressants. I didn't take them but I know others who did in the same situation and they were helpful to those people. So it's an option if you want to feel better more quickly.

But either way, as they say, "time heals." And it really does. I know it doesn't feel now like you'll ever be happy again, but you will. And a few years from now you won't even remember why you missed him at all.

klkarlen

Good for you for reaching out even online to ask for help. I found it helps to have friends (both real life and online) that you can express your feelings and get things off your chest.

It is normal to grieve the loss of the dream, which is basically what this is. Sounds like he is not really worth wasting any more time over.

My daughter who is your age is going through the same thing, and she told herself that she would only wallow in self-pity for maybe 2 weeks, and then she was pulling up her big-girl panties and getting on with it. She still has days where she mourns the loss of the relationship, but she gets a bit better every day.

Excellent advice on distractions, and keeping busy. And try to work up a good mad, because you know his actions deserve that.

healthybearey

KyleGrace8 wrote: »

Keep him blocked and don't go lurking. It's true that rejection breeds obsession. I really thought I was in love with someone for far too long bc I kept lurking and that kept me on track to not getting over the situation. When someone tells you that they don't want you, believe them. If they treasured you they would never do anything to lose you. He's not thinking about you. He's not secretly in love with you. The best you could hope for is that none of his other girls want to screw one night and he might look you up for a booty call. There's tons of other guys who can prove to be even better than he was. Focus on you studies and yourself and don't worry so much about finding someone else. Just put love on the back burner and you'll run into by accident one day. Ask any family members or mutual friends not to give you updates on him. I wouldn't even recommend any dating sites and maybe this is just my experience but there's not anyone on there for you (unless looking to hook up) for the vast, vast majority. If all else fails, write out a list of pros and cons about the guy and what he brings to your life. "good sex" and "butterflies" don't cancel out "cheating", "making me feel like I'm crazy for following my instincts that I was right about". Hope I was even a little helpful. Sorry you're going through this bc I know it's really, really difficult.

You're totally right - i've gotten into the habit of lurking him and making myself more upset and then getting the urge to call him - i thought he did love me, but obviously he doesn't thank you, i appreciate the words, definetly helpful - i will try focussing on my studying and family!

healthybearey

Thank you so much all! I've read every post - honestly really helps me see this situation from a different light - I'll look into those sleep apps and try focussing on my studies, plus soon i will be going home for christmas so i will be surrounded by the closest and dearest to me.

Thank you again!

AmberSpamber

It is very obvious that he has no respect for you. The fact that he wouldn't just talk you through everything and resorted to name calling, shows how he feels for you. He is a loser. No woman or man needs a person like that in their lives. It will take time, but you will get there. You just need to remind yourself that you deserve better. You deserve a man that will confide in you, respect you and love you in your times of doubt, and he is obviously not that person. You are young. Give it time. Learn to love yourself and in time, you will see that a man like that is only a stepping stone to get you to somewhere better. xoxo

healthybearey

AmberSpamber wrote: »

It is very obvious that he has no respect for you. The fact that he wouldn't just talk you through everything and resorted to name calling, shows how he feels for you. He is a loser. No woman or man needs a person like that in their lives. It will take time, but you will get there. You just need to remind yourself that you deserve better. You deserve a man that will confide in you, respect you and love you in your times of doubt, and he is obviously not that person. You are young. Give it time. Learn to love yourself and in time, you will see that a man like that is only a stepping stone to get you to somewhere better. xoxo

Thank you! I definetly agree with the self love aspect, i have too many insecurities and when i first met him he made me feel super special / like he really wanted me, probably one of the reasons i got 'addicted' to him over the years despite him having bad traits - i'm going to take each day as it comes - hopefully in time i will look back and think what was i thinking! again, thank you! x

dc8066

Clearly, he didn't love you. Why would you want to waste your time on him? You deserve love and respect, so good riddance. Keep reminding yourself that, it will get better with time.

caroldownie58

Hi I know you don't know me but please believe me when I tell you that you will get over this guy. The best way for yourself is getting on with your life. Nothing pisses a guy more than seeing his ex move on. You will find someone else who's worthy of your loyalty and trust. Meantime be good to yourself xxx

slider728

You ever burn yourself on the stove? This really isn't much different. When you burn yourself, you think that it is going to hurt forever. You can cover up the pain with heavy duty pain killers, distracting yourself, alcohol, or a myriad of other solutions, but it doesn't change the fact you are burned. Until it heals, it is going to hurt. The only thing that will heal is time. Making the pain go away in the beginning is only temporary. The only thing you can do is take care of the wound, learn from the experience, and give the wound time to heal. If something hurts your wound, avoid it.

You may think you are going to hurt forever, but I promise you won't.

Just like that burn, you can find things to take away the pain temporarily. Unfortunately, just like a physical burn, how to take away the emotional pain is something you have to figure out for yourself. Somethings will work great for some but won't work for you. You need to find your solution. Maybe you need to head to the gym and workout for a few hours a day. Maybe your solution is mass quantities of alcohol (it worked for me). Maybe you need to hang out and have dinner with a caring friend. If you have a cheap movie theater nearby, maybe go see a cheap movie every night to distract you.

Sleep will return as well. It takes time. Don't be afraid to put a TV in your room with a relaxing show you can sleep to. Personally, when I watch TV to pass the time until I sleep, I tend to watch reruns I like so I don't get so interested in the show I stay awake.


Give yourself time and find your means of temporarily numbing the pain. The hurt will keep returning but it will heal in time. Avoid things that trigger the pain, even if that means cutting out all contact with the ex, his family, and his friends. If it is someone who you don't want to cut out forever, just explain your reasoning. Likely they will understand. Lastly, don't forget to learn from the situation. Just as you learned not to touch a hot stove, learn what you can from this.

healthybearey

MeganAM89 wrote: »

Oh wow, thank you for sharing your experience - this guy seems to be the same in that he knows how to push my buttons and get me to run back to him - but you're right theres a point when you can't handle it anymore, and i think i've reached it with this guy - i think what hurts me the most is, he will replace me very quickly - but you're right i have to focus my mind off him and on other the important stuff

healthybearey

slider728 wrote: »

I like the metaphor you use , you are totally right - i don't ever give myself a chance to heal and just run back to him and get burnt again and again.. i'm going to probably try the gym idea, been meaning to go more often anyway.. plus i will be returning home in 3 weeks for the holidays so i will definetly spend time with my friends which i'm sure will help some

Thank you for the tips and advice, i appreciate it


@everyone - also, i appreciate all your comments / advice.

Motorsheen

There are only about a gazillion decent guys out there; you'll be fine.

.... and yes, it will take a while to get over this one.

As in all things, both good and bad, this too shall pass.

Hang in there

PowerMan40

Giving someone a second chance is like handing them a loaded revolver, because they missed you the first time.

Mary_Anastasia

Hey, I've been there. I still am. If he wanted you he would not do this to you.

Story-time: My ex-bf played me for a fool for years, long after we broke up in 2012, I let him take advantage of me, use me as a crutch, call me his best friend and I'd believe it. Almost 6 years of talking every day and spending our free time together, experiencing amazing wonderful things every time. We were in our mid-20's, now I'm in my 30's: don't be like me! (you have pleeeeenty of time to heal if you let yourself)

He started seeing someone this year, he waited until I was gone on a long trip and began hunting for a GF, he even admitted he was just going to use her emotionally, then he started getting nastier to me, playing mind games, took back all the good things.
And I had to finally walk away. He didn't even care at all... He's got serious problems he'll need to face, and I still love him, always will, long into my old-lady days I'll think about him..hopefully not too sadly. It hurts more than anything ever has: any death, any failure, any loss of self doesn't compare; I know it feels like the worst, because it is. Heartbreak is worse than anything, especially the whirling kind you can't do anything to stop.

But you can survive, and you can thrive. Go ahead and let it hurt, but recognize when you feel good, too. The good feelings will heal the bad ones. I can't really add any advice better than anything that's been said, but I do know that the more you put into something, the more you love it. Take your energy and refocus it on embracing something you know will love you or reward you without fail.

Just_J_Now

Motorsheen wrote: »

There are only about a gazillion decent guys out there; you'll be fine.

.... and yes, it will take a while to get over this one.

As in all things, both good and bad, this too shall pass.

Hang in there

That many huh? Who knew.

jimbogutz

Hang in there thing will get better sooner then you think.

Cerealsensei

Give yourself time, lots of time to be by yourself for awhile. Also you'll probably want to block him on all social medial, lose his phone number etc, you need to completely unplug from him and just spend time with yourself. Work on your hobbies, focus on school/career, do anything you can to keep yourself occupied so that you don't have an idle mind. There's also nothing wrong with allowing yourself to grieve, but over time you'll eventually get over it, just take it one day at a time.

Sinistrous

Lol, same thing with my PSYCHOTICCCCC ex.
When I found out, he didn't want to talk about it and was all "embarrassed" because his coworkers could hear me yelling at him on the phone, he kept calling me crazy at home though lol. OH WELL TOUGH SHIZ, shouldn't have done what you did, you disgusting animal.

Anyway, yeah, you'll get through it. He's not good enough for you. My ex kept calling me crazy and saying "That's what the people that cheated on me would ask me all the time" to try to turn shz around onto me LOLno. Doesn't work that way, I'm too smart for your gameplay. If you wanted an open relationship, that's all you had to say, I do swing both ways.

But you'll definitely get over it. You're not the first woman it has happened to and definitely not the last. I'm sure women do it to their boyfriends/husbands all the time, too, instead of working it out like adults and with the person you so claim to "love".

But good luck, sweets! Keep your mind off him, it's the best thing to do :3