Comments from In-Laws

ziesergirl_66

Tryin’ to take the higher road and ignore things here…..

So I’ve struggled most of my adult life with weight…either being overweight or obese. It’s a touchy subject and I don’t feel comfortable talking about it with too many people. Even as a child, I was self conscious about myself/body when I was thin/healthy. I have major social anxiety issues, low self-esteem.

My husband’s family has always been very critical of a person’s weight. They are like no other family I know who do this. In the past few years, my in-laws have been fixated on the subject. It can be towards our family (even our children, who are thin), my extended family, or my friends..and their extended family At almost every gathering with them at some point, “weight” comes up.

My MIL didn’t really have a weight problem until a hysterectomy at 46. She has never exercised and in the last 3 yrs has had both knees replaced. She might be 4’10 and 160 ish lbs. She took diet pills for our wedding many years ago and was at 119. (she bragged about it excessively). We still hear about her wedding weight, pregnancy weight, blah blah blah. My FIL is 5’2” and 190 lbs. He is very active and in the winter time he uses a treadmill/bikes for activity. MIL does nothing. Honestly, neither of them are currently at a healthy weight. They are near 70. I have for the most part had a great relationship with them and we get along well. They talk about losing weight themselves, gaining it, how they look. I sense they have an unhealthy obsession with weight and/or body image. It seems to be on their minds – constantly.

For a few years my husband made comments about what I ate…which was his way of telling me I need to “do something”. Now…my husband has been over weight and his remarks have pretty much stopped towards me, but they are still coming from his parents. We were at our nieces high school graduation 1 yr ago and my FIL said to my husband “If I ever get that big (looking across the gym at a very large man), you please say something to me”. My husband responded with, “well Dad, you don’t know what that man’s issues are. We don’t know him. It could be a medical reason. I’m sure he sees himself every single day.” I was pretty proud of my dh at that moment. My dh and I have had had many discussions about his parents and their comments about weight, and I told him I was insecure enough about myself let alone be randomly reminded of it. So, my dh was standing up for me and himself. But, it didn’t seem to make a difference. Back in May, my MIL made a comment to my dh about his size. And my dh calmly responded “how rude. My physical appearance is *my concern*. What does matter is in here (points to his chest/heart area and then his head/mind). If I die tomorrow is that what you are going to remember me by….my size???” Then, just a couple weeks ago my MIL commented at a large family gathering about so and so being so skinny. and another comment she made was she had never seen so and so this thin ever. I did not say one word.

I realize we cannot change people’s behavior and what they say but I am finding myself dreading seeing them and I feel like crap when I am around them knowing what they are thinking, even if they don’t say it. The comments feel mean-spirited and I am never prepared to defend myself. These people winter in the south and even though I know we should be taking advantage of their time “home”, I just feel myself pulling away. How do I deal with this?

adrylong

That's a tough predicament you are in. I wouldn't know what advice to give you, although I understand how hard it is to deal with the in-laws and negative responses. We had an issue like that where my FIL and his partner (who has an eating disorder) were rude to us and my family...especially around our eating habits while we were all on vacation together. The ruder she became, the worse the vacation was. It came the point that we had to part ways (we shared an apartment together and they packed up and got a hotel room somewhere else). After we came back from our vacation, my husband and I just decided to write his father a long email with all of the issues we felt had ruined our experience. We didn't speak to them for a year and a half, but it finally came to the point that we all got over it. It's difficult to cut out family entirely, no matter how rude they are to you. To this day, her behavior towards us has improved significantly, and she minds her manners.

Sometimes you have to air out your grievances to a person regarding their behavior, as unpleasant as it may be, because they may not be aware of how it impacts you and your emotional well being. Maybe telling them how you feel about the weight issue can help them realize that they focus on it too much and there are better things to talk about.

bcattoes

You are not going to change them. Really the best plan is just to learn to ignore them. So what if they are thinking you are fat? It doesn't change what you weigh or who you are. People are who they are. Sometimes you have to take the good with the bad and just muddle through.

twinketta

I had to skim over your post, because it is very long.

But to try to shorten it your in laws are going on 70yo and they have been up and down in weight as you and your hubby are.

You dread seeing the in laws and family because you worry that they may comment on your weight.

Your question is how do you deal with it?

My answer would be either

a. Tell them how you feel and ask them to stop making comments that make you feel like crap

b. Put up with it, as you have been doing in the past.

c. take control of your weight/anxiety/self esteem and stop making excuses. It is your life, you only have it one time around. Be the best you can be