The new healthy black sheep of the family

frugalfemaletarakurt

I have lost 178 lbs. over the past two years by completely changing my diet and exercising daily. I am at the healthiest weight I have ever been in my life and love it! My current weight is FINALLY within what is considered normal, as apposed to being morbidly obese. My BMI is normal as well. After several failed attempts at maintaining previous big weight losses throughout my life, I am determined to maintain this one. So far so good! My husband has also lost 95 lbs. and we are both very happy with our new lifestyle. The majority of my immediate family, however, are obese and diabetic. Seeing the continual health issues they now face is a huge motivation for me to maintain my new lifestyle.

Unfortunately, I'm finding more and more that some of my family (and friends too) are not supportive of my transition. Just this past Thanksgiving, I brought sweet potatoes to prepare (plain mashed) for the family meal. My step mother insisted on cooking them, i.e. adding in a stick of butter, cups of brown sugar, and marshmallows on top. I politely asked if a small portion of the original potatoes be left on the side for me because I just wanted to eat them plain, and received a response that "I was depriving myself of what is good!" I've also had similar occurrences where I receive comments like "Well....just because you are on a diet, doesn't mean we are too!" and "When are you going to stop dieting and start eating?"

The reality is I do eat.... a lot.... it's just prepared in a more healthy way.

On top of attempting to bring/make my own healthier versions of dishes to family gatherings, I've also attempted to just be polite and not eat the unhealthy options, leaving almost nothing on my plate, and then it seems that my hosts are offended that I'm not eating their dishes.

I'm finding it more and more difficult to enjoy time with my family during holiday functions just because I want to maintain a healthy diet during the holidays. Does anyone have suggestions on how to handle this type of situation?

tulips_and_tea

Wow! What an amazing accomplishment! Congratulations both to you and your husband!

Frankly, the way to deal with what you've described is to stand up for yourself and don't back down. You brought sweet potatoes. They should be cooked by you the way you intended. You are an adult and don't need to ASK anyone if food can be prepared for you a certain way. You make sure you have food the way you like it. Then again, I don't care about hurting people's feelings, relative or not, holiday or not.

I know that sounds negative, but it's not really. The more you set your boundaries and consistently enforce them the easier it will be for YOU. Others can accept it or not. Not your problem.

fitin50s2

Congratulations to you and your husband on your huge success!

I (and many of us) can relate and have the same experiences with family and friends. I tend to think people get uncomfortable with change and don't know what to make of it. At least in my situation, some people finally learned to accept the change while others still can't reconcile it.

Ultimately as long as you're polite in your communications, it's their issue to deal with.

everher

I think family and friends are people you should be able to frank with.

I would kindly explain (once mind you) that I am finally at a healthy weight and I plan to maintain said weight as it is what's best for my health. I would also explain that this isn't a diet for me, it's how I intend to live my life, and I would hope that everyone who cares about me would be supportive of that. /conversation.

I got some flack at Thanksgiving myself for not eating the ginormous portions everyone's use to me eating, but I can't let other people influence my choices. The truth is they only think I should eat more because they're used to me eating more.

Docbanana2002

I'm in the same boat. My advice (in terms of strategies for dealing with the meal) is just to do things your way and let others do things theirs. In a holiday situation, maybe find a compromise: go ahead and eat the unhealthy stuff on that one day, but eat it in reasonable portion sizes, then get back to normal the next day. One day of eating sweet potatoes swimming in butter and sugar won't hurt your health at all. As long as you keep the portions small it won't set you back on your weight goals, either. Maybe also bring along something really low in calories that you can eat in bulk (like a salad or some steamed veggies) to fill up your plate and belly so your tiny portion of other things doesn't look so sad. Insist that 500 calories worth of cheese, bacon, and ranch dressing not be added to that salad until it is on their OWN plate... if they put it on their plate. I think your request to pull out some plain sweet potatoes and let her "spice up" the rest was a good one. Keep being assertive like that.

There is a larger issue here, one that really isn't a problem you can fix but just have learn strategies to cope with.... You became obese in an environment that normalized and encouraged unhealthy behavior. You may have also chosen people to be in your life (friends, spouse, etc.) that shared your health habits, too. You've changed, but the rest of the system around you has not and likely will not. Sounds like your husband did change with you, so that's awesome. Many are not so lucky and the family inside their home is also creating problems for them (I'm single/no kids so didn't have that added issue to deal with). Anyway, bottom line... most won't change. You're culturally an alien to them, and them to you, and they just don't "get it." They don't understand the pleasure of nutritious food, or exercise, or healthy living, they only see the miserable side. To make things worse you aren't just a weirdo health nut from the outside.... you were "one of them" and now you aren't. It forces them to examine themselves, which might be uncomfortable. Sounds like they are not ready to change their perception that their lifestyle is actually the best way to live... so they tell themselves that they have it good and you must be deprived/miserable/have enormous will power. I have had to assure my friends/relatives that my tastes have changed and I really like what I'm doing better than what I did before. Not sure if they believe me.

Hang in there... and make some new friends who can provide some balance and "normalize" the habits adopted by the new you.

judis100

Yes congratulations on a HUGE accomplishment! The holiday meal thing is tough when your family is committed to foods you're not comfortable eating. I think you're going to have to learn to really stick your ground with what sounds like a lot of pressure to eat less healthy. Some of that may be unconscious sabotage, but it wouldn't be the first time someone's family was consciously sabotaging a healthy eater because it brings up threatening feelings. I would recommend bringing a dish you're comfortable with (already prepared - avoid someone making it a different, unhealthy way) and then taking very small taste portions of what your family serves.

Best of luck! Let us know how the holidays turn out for you.

Lounmoun

Other than food do you like seeing your family? If not, just don't go.
Is it something you do often or just at holidays? If you only see them during holidays I would say just eat small portions of their food. You have brought food. Refused food. I'm sure you have explained your reasons for eating differently. They are not interested in eating differently and clearly feel threatened when you do. So you can have conflict and bad feelings over a meal every holiday or just eat some of their food and drop the subject. You have to decide if this is the hill to die on.
If you live together and this is a daily thing then I would say eat what you want.

robhod1

Who puts sugar and marshmallows in mashed potatoes?! Is that a normal thing to do?

tahxirez

You have to learn to let that roll off your back. My family is really sarcastic but they make me laugh. This year my brother told his wife that if I tried to "healthy up" the stuffing he was kicking me out of the house! lmao! Just do your best to make your contributions to the dinner as healthy as possible (which you're trying to do) and eat within reason. I did the exact same thing with my sweet potatoes except I roasted them before hand and topped them wit h the teeniest amount of butter and brown sugar so no one knew I hadn't added anything to their natural deliciousness @robhod1 she's talking about sweet potato casserole which is repulsive to me so I have never tried it.

Rocknut53

robhod1 wrote: »

Who puts sugar and marshmallows in mashed potatoes?! Is that a normal thing to do?

Sweet potatoes, not regular potatoes, so yes it's normal. They are pretty tasty without anything like OP wanted.

French_Peasant

It can definitely be difficult to navigate holidays with proper etiquette--not hurting feelings while being careful with what you eat.

I tried to head any problems off at the pass by bringing a ginormous pan of delicious garlic-roasted root vegetables to each of my family gatherings (already cooked and plated, and kept warm in an insulated container, so there was not a chance of them being reappropriated into any sort of butter-marshmallow dish!) with visions of tasty leftovers dancing in my head. Unfortunately, my strategy backfired, because at each dinner they were wiped out...I got my share for the day, and I am glad my family enjoyed them, so it was all for the best. Same with the sauteed brussels sprouts I made last year, with garlic and balsamic reduction. On the bright side, it introduces people to new, healthy, delicious recipes and shows that veggies can be awesome. If people don't like them, then bonus for you because you have healthy leftovers for the next week! (I did have leftover green bean casserole, which I was asked to bring, and sent all the extras home with people who actually like that crap. I used to like it, but now it just disgusts me, as I have recalibrated my palate).

With something like sweet potatoes, is there a decades-long expectation that they come with brown sugar, butter, and marshamallows? If so, you can do some research and come up with some new traditions that can dovetail in with the existing dishes that are sacrosanct. With your encouragement and good example, you can help your family expand their tastes without messin' with tradition. If this was a traditional dish, they likely felt as sabotaged as you felt, a situation easily resolved with some food jiu jitsu.

On the other hand, if they never normally had sweet potatoes, and took yours and cooked them against your wishes, that is a shadier situation, still a little ambiguous since you brought them into another person's kitchen, but just take the opportunity to note it to yourself by having been pre-cooked and plated (if needed, in a casserole dish that could be warmed in the oven). Or if you are travelling and can't pre-cook, come armed and ready to make two dishes, and fend people off with a chef's knife.

If people nag at you for not eating their food, just note, "Oh man! That piece of pie probably has [500] calories in it, and I'm trying to work with a [2000] calorie budget, so it's really hard to fit it in. It looks absolutely delicious however. Maybe I will sneak in a small taste!" Kindness and diplomacy can go a long way.

Here is the roasted root veg recipe, which I highly recommend. I also added quite a few leeks and carrots, and some fresh chopped rosemary and thyme. http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/food-network-kitchens/roasted-root-vegetables-recipe.html

Note that there is a fairly long cooking time and the sheets require a lot of oven space, so these are probably best made ahead and rewarmed if you are travelling.

Good luck at Christmas!

Gisel2015

robhod1 wrote: »

Who puts sugar and marshmallows in mashed potatoes?! Is that a normal thing to do?

Not in my house and/or if I am cooking! Yams and sweet potatoes are sweet enough, so why add sugar? I don't like marshmallows, so they are out too.

Edited to add: I am very sorry that all of you have problems with friends and family during the holidays or any other festivities. I am lucky that nobody argues with me about my healthy cooking or eating habits but if they would, well, they would also get a piece of my mind.

Rocknut53

Life is too short to worry about what you are eating at family functions. If I don't like it or want it for whatever reason, I just don't put it on my plate. I've never had anyone question why. I guess I'm fortunate in that respect. My misfortune is most of my family is gone or live too far away, so there are no more family holiday dinners.