Needing to vent...big time!
Hi everyone,
I used to be a member here on MFP. I just created a new account because I want to lose weight and the community here is absolutely amazing.
BUT, I really need to vent right now, so bear with me...
I'm 22 and a senior in nursing school. I graduate with a Bachelor's degree this May.
I've been through a lot the past two years. My mom went into kidney failure in May of 2015, and was on dialysis and recovered. This past May, she had a heart attack and seizures after she was pulled off of her seizure meds at a hospital. She has since recovered from that...but it's still very stressful.
I have to take her pretty much everywhere she needs to go. She can drive, but is only supposed to when absolutely necessary. Her friends help out when they can and I am SO grateful for them.
She is having issues with her blood sugar now. It goes low and high, kinda all over the place. I wake up most nights to check on her and make sure she's okay.
This is not the problem.
The problem is my dad.
My parents are still married and have been for 30 years. My dad works, comes home, gets drunk, and then goes to bed. He does not help cook dinner, do the dishes, or do the laundry. He does not help take care of my mom aside from occasionally taking her to an appointment or running her to the hospital if she needs it. He pays one bill - the car payment. And a few days ago he went behind my back and told my mom that I don't do anything - even though I cook more than half of the time, do laundry essentially every day, help care for my mom, run errands for BOTH of them, and do the dishes sometimes. I'm a full time student who works two jobs and helps take care of her mom, but he seems to think that him working absolves him of virtually all responsibility.
Example: tonight he came home and made the remark that he was "tired of this ****." I asked what, and he said that he didn't want to be fed, he just wanted his clothes to be dried and laid out for him when he got home. I said - we were gone all day. He replied that he didn't give a ****. I said, I know you don't...and fyi, your clothes WERE dry, and you can pull them out of the laundry just like everyone else does. He then admitted that he assumed they were wet but didn't actually check...and I said huh...maybe you should check before you complain?...
I'm not in a financial position that allows me to move out right now - and my mom needs my help. She is not in a financial position to leave him, either. She is 100% disabled and survives and pays our bills on social security.
I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, and I just want to cry. I'm on holiday break right now and am feeling more stressed than ever. I just need someone to talk to.
I used to be a member here on MFP. I just created a new account because I want to lose weight and the community here is absolutely amazing.
BUT, I really need to vent right now, so bear with me...
I'm 22 and a senior in nursing school. I graduate with a Bachelor's degree this May.
I've been through a lot the past two years. My mom went into kidney failure in May of 2015, and was on dialysis and recovered. This past May, she had a heart attack and seizures after she was pulled off of her seizure meds at a hospital. She has since recovered from that...but it's still very stressful.
I have to take her pretty much everywhere she needs to go. She can drive, but is only supposed to when absolutely necessary. Her friends help out when they can and I am SO grateful for them.
She is having issues with her blood sugar now. It goes low and high, kinda all over the place. I wake up most nights to check on her and make sure she's okay.
This is not the problem.
The problem is my dad.
My parents are still married and have been for 30 years. My dad works, comes home, gets drunk, and then goes to bed. He does not help cook dinner, do the dishes, or do the laundry. He does not help take care of my mom aside from occasionally taking her to an appointment or running her to the hospital if she needs it. He pays one bill - the car payment. And a few days ago he went behind my back and told my mom that I don't do anything - even though I cook more than half of the time, do laundry essentially every day, help care for my mom, run errands for BOTH of them, and do the dishes sometimes. I'm a full time student who works two jobs and helps take care of her mom, but he seems to think that him working absolves him of virtually all responsibility.
Example: tonight he came home and made the remark that he was "tired of this ****." I asked what, and he said that he didn't want to be fed, he just wanted his clothes to be dried and laid out for him when he got home. I said - we were gone all day. He replied that he didn't give a ****. I said, I know you don't...and fyi, your clothes WERE dry, and you can pull them out of the laundry just like everyone else does. He then admitted that he assumed they were wet but didn't actually check...and I said huh...maybe you should check before you complain?...
I'm not in a financial position that allows me to move out right now - and my mom needs my help. She is not in a financial position to leave him, either. She is 100% disabled and survives and pays our bills on social security.
I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, and I just want to cry. I'm on holiday break right now and am feeling more stressed than ever. I just need someone to talk to.
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Replies
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I have nothing to offer except to say that I am truly sorry to hear of your various struggles right now. It sounds like you already have enough on your plate by taking care of yourself and keeping up with college demands without the added stress of family drama. I pray that you all find peace soon. *hugs*0
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I have nothing to offer except to say that I am truly sorry to hear of your various struggles right now. It sounds like you already have enough on your plate by taking care of yourself and keeping up with college demands without the added stress of family drama. I pray that you all find peace soon. *hugs*
Thank you.0 -
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Sorry, but you should have gone to law school instead of nursing school. This dilemma is going to be ongoing, probably get worse and will require legal savvy to negotiate.
Also, you'll eventually have to pay for full time home care for your mother, since I'm sure you don't want her to end her days in an institution or be at the mercy of a drunk flat mate. That requires big bucks and you'll have to be seriously earning in order to pay for that.
Consider law school after graduation. Or consider a professional or educational trajectory which will enable you to earn lots of money to take care of yourself and your family.
Sorry you've been dealt this hand, but I know where you're at. I can relate. The only answer to this is earn lots of money. That's what will liberate you and give you whatever peace of mind you can salvage from all this.
Except for the fact that I have no interest in law and can't afford it. Nursing is what I've always wanted to do.
Also, my mom isn't dying.4 -
LiftingLady5 wrote: »I am sorry to hear you are going through this difficult situation. I don't have any advice but know that I will keep you in my positive thoughts. Stay strong and take things one second at a time if you have to.
Thank you.0 -
It's good to vent, do you have any friends in your nursing program you can talk to? Being a nurse you'll see a lot of *kitten* that'll make you want to cry. Find healthy coping mechanisms. Deadbeat dad's suck. Once you're able to move out, things will get better and you can still help your mom.3
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I can see this is a very stressful situation and the hand you have been dealt is crappy..
I might focus on my studies, showing up for work and making money, and taking care of my mom the best that I can. I personally would do everything I can to tune out the negative noise in the house..
Cannot change another person, but you can work towards a better life and that is by staying steadfast in your studies and focusing on your future. If the future entails you to take care of your mom too, then certainly apply that in to your future plans..
Some how some way, everything always works out. It might not seem ideal right now, but this situation is temporary, just keep that in mind.
Come here and vent anytime you need to.. it does help!
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Oh my. How awful. I am a full-time college student myself, and even without having two jobs, the work is tough. The added stress at home is indeed terrible. Since you're graduating this coming spring, you'll hopefully be able to find a steady job soon, and you can start saving to move out with your mother.
For now, maybe have your mother approach your father about his negativity? Even if his feelings don't change, it'd be better for you to not be verbally disrespected.
It's okay to cry. It's okay to vent. Just stay strong as best you can and remember that karma is real. I send the best wishes your way.1 -
I'm also sending a hug. Your probably wondering why, why, why, why? Whats the reason my life is like this right now? Why is all this on me? Your going to look back oneday, and know exactly why. Probably while at work, while being the best damm nurse ever. You my dear, you will not look back, and regret doing anything to help your mother. There should be more daughters like you. Hang in there. 1
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I'm also sending a hug. Your probably wondering why, why, why, why? Whats the reason my life is like this right now? Why is all this on me? Your going to look back oneday, and know exactly why. Probably while at work, while being the best damm nurse ever. You my dear, you will not look back, and regret doing anything to help your mother. There should be more daughters like you. Hang in there.
Your reply brought tears to my eyes. Thank you so much.0 -
Cutaway_Collar wrote: »
I wanna grab a 15 pound dumbbell and slap yo *kitten* with one side of itSorry, but you should have gone to law school instead of nursing school. This dilemma is going to be ongoing, probably get worse and will require legal savvy to negotiate.
Also, you'll eventually have to pay for full time home care for your mother, since I'm sure you don't want her to end her days in an institution or be at the mercy of a drunk flat mate. That requires big bucks and you'll have to be seriously earning in order to pay for that.
Consider law school after graduation. Or consider a professional or educational trajectory which will enable you to earn lots of money to take care of yourself and your family.
Sorry you've been dealt this hand, but I know where you're at. I can relate. The only answer to this is earn lots of money. That's what will liberate you and give you whatever peace of mind you can salvage from all this.
You are going on and on about law school which is like 80K in student debt and starting salaries are at 25K or less, even in NYC, unless she graduated out of Harvard law with 250K debt but wealthy parents. Lawyers don't make that much money until later and after a lot of struggle.... they look great when binge watching netflix and chilling.
Besides, she is already in nursing school. So it's like rubbing salt on her wounds.
My thoughts exactly.3 -
I'm so sorry to read about your circumstances, it must be horrible. I went through a similar thing last year although I had help from my sister (although she was pregnant and understandably can't do much) and my husband, I was working full time and living with my mother who was dying from cancer. My dad was with us too but he didn't do much and we had a lot of stress from that, it was only when it was apparent that she only had weeks to live that he started helping out with her. I can emphatise although obviously won't be able to completely understand what you are going through. May be worth having a chat with your dad about what you are feeling or go to a counsellor together, or go to a counsellor yourself, does your college have a school counsellor you can go to? How about other family members? Aunts or uncles? It must be so hard, all the best my thoughts are with you2
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Cutaway_Collar wrote: »OP, this is character development training for you. This struggle will define your personality, your outlook on life and your temperament.
Divert your frustration and anger on the road to redemption - becoming a good nurse and starting a solid career. Everybody who is successful now has these stories. And then forgive your father but don't forget. Your future children will look up to you because they will have an inspirational story on the table.
Thank you. I'm trying to use this experience to make me BETTER, not bitter. I hope it will make me an even better nurse with a different outlook because of my experiences. Being the best nurse I can be is a priority.2 -
sunnysunny88 wrote: »I'm so sorry to read about your circumstances, it must be horrible. I went through a similar thing last year although I had help from my sister (although she was pregnant and understandably can't do much) and my husband, I was working full time and living with my mother who was dying from cancer. My dad was with us too but he didn't do much and we had a lot of stress from that, it was only when it was apparent that she only had weeks to live that he started helping out with her. I can emphatise although obviously won't be able to completely understand what you are going through. May be worth having a chat with your dad about what you are feeling or go to a counsellor together, or go to a counsellor yourself, does your college have a school counsellor you can go to? How about other family members? Aunts or uncles? It must be so hard, all the best my thoughts are with you
Yes, our school actually does have free counseling. I will definitely utilize that. I have many aunts and uncles that I can talk to. I just feel like it would be a burden, if that makes sense.0 -
_unsteady_ wrote: »What kinda nurse op?
I currently work as a nurse extern on an ortho/spine floor and float to a Med-Surg floor. After graduation, I plan on doing a program that my hospital has that allows me to get ICU experience and additional certification. I like Med-Surg, but ICU has always been my number one interest.2 -
Yes, our school actually does have free counseling. I will definitely utilize that. I have many aunts and uncles that I can talk to. I just feel like it would be a burden, if that makes sense.
That makes total sense. But I bet they won't find it a burden. After all your mother is their sister/sister in law? Sometimes you gotta accept help to stay sane
All the best. How awesome that you are doing nursing.2 -
Sorry, but you should have gone to law school instead of nursing school. This dilemma is going to be ongoing, probably get worse and will require legal savvy to negotiate.
Also, you'll eventually have to pay for full time home care for your mother, since I'm sure you don't want her to end her days in an institution or be at the mercy of a drunk flat mate. That requires big bucks and you'll have to be seriously earning in order to pay for that.
Consider law school after graduation. Or consider a professional or educational trajectory which will enable you to earn lots of money to take care of yourself and your family.
Sorry you've been dealt this hand, but I know where you're at. I can relate. The only answer to this is earn lots of money. That's what will liberate you and give you whatever peace of mind you can salvage from all this.
Except for the fact that I have no interest in law and can't afford it. Nursing is what I've always wanted to do.
Also, my mom isn't dying.
Do not - DO NOT -listen to anyone who tells you that Nursing is a bad career choice. My cousin is an RN (and hasn't been one for very long either) and she is making well over six figures at the hospital she works at (she has a position supervising nurses in her ward, if I remember correctly).
Nurses - especially RNs - are in short supply. Believe me, you'll do more than fine as a nurse (just keep pushing as far as you can with it). It's a lot of work and it takes a lot of work to get there, but it's not only lucrative but a noble profession as well.5 -
PlaydohPants wrote: »I'm so sorry to hear this. Do you have any other family that may help?
I was 16 when my dad got sick and it was just me and him and that stressful time completely drove us apart. Largely I'm sure because I didn't handle it well as a teenager.
I think you and your dad should have a calm conversation about expectations. Surely this is very stressful for both of you, you both feel like you do everything as the other does nothing.
So talk to him about what he expects from you and what you expect of him. Maybe come to an agreement that you do the laundry and he does the cooking for example. You both love your Mom and I'm sure you don't want to create a stressful environment for her either.
I was also a full time student with multiple jobs and I understand the frustration like you just can't keep your head above water. Let alone with a stressful home life. The best you can do is compromise and communicate to try and make each other's lives easier.
She just gave you great advice.2 -
Cutaway_Collar wrote: »
I wanna grab a 15 pound dumbbell and slap yo *kitten* with one side of itSorry, but you should have gone to law school instead of nursing school. This dilemma is going to be ongoing, probably get worse and will require legal savvy to negotiate.
Also, you'll eventually have to pay for full time home care for your mother, since I'm sure you don't want her to end her days in an institution or be at the mercy of a drunk flat mate. That requires big bucks and you'll have to be seriously earning in order to pay for that.
Consider law school after graduation. Or consider a professional or educational trajectory which will enable you to earn lots of money to take care of yourself and your family.
Sorry you've been dealt this hand, but I know where you're at. I can relate. The only answer to this is earn lots of money. That's what will liberate you and give you whatever peace of mind you can salvage from all this.
You are going on and on about law school which is like 80K in student debt and starting salaries are at 25K or less, even in NYC, unless she graduated out of Harvard law with 250K debt but wealthy parents. Lawyers don't make that much money until later and after a lot of struggle.... they look great when binge watching netflix and chilling.
Besides, she is already in nursing school. So it's like rubbing salt on her wounds.
You're right. Law school grads are struggling right now trying to find jobs. There is even a class action lawsuit against a law school for over-inflating job placement stats. Plus the debt.
Forbes had an article on it.1 -
I'm so very sorry to hear about your mom and the stress being thrown your way. You are an amazing daughter for taking care of your mom, I'm sure she appreciates you very much. My father was an alcoholic and very selfish, it wasn't until he became sick with cancer that he changed his ways. Focus on school and your mom, lean on your other family members and like someone above suggested, your school counseling. I wish for you and your family peace and strength; much love to you.3
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Stay classy.Cutaway_Collar wrote: »
I wanna grab a 15 pound dumbbell and slap yo *kitten* with one side of itSorry, but you should have gone to law school instead of nursing school. This dilemma is going to be ongoing, probably get worse and will require legal savvy to negotiate.
Also, you'll eventually have to pay for full time home care for your mother, since I'm sure you don't want her to end her days in an institution or be at the mercy of a drunk flat mate. That requires big bucks and you'll have to be seriously earning in order to pay for that.
Consider law school after graduation. Or consider a professional or educational trajectory which will enable you to earn lots of money to take care of yourself and your family.
Sorry you've been dealt this hand, but I know where you're at. I can relate. The only answer to this is earn lots of money. That's what will liberate you and give you whatever peace of mind you can salvage from all this.
You are going on and on about law school which is like 80K in student debt and starting salaries are at 25K or less, even in NYC, unless she graduated out of Harvard law with 250K debt but wealthy parents. Lawyers don't make that much money until later and after a lot of struggle.... they look great when binge watching netflix and chilling.
Besides, she is already in nursing school. So it's like rubbing salt on her wounds.
Oh well you oughta know. Yer the money man. You tell her how to accrue wealth darling, because she's gonna need it. And it would take more than 15 pounds to make a dent in my *kitten* homie.4 -
thisonetimeatthegym wrote: »Cutaway_Collar wrote: »
I wanna grab a 15 pound dumbbell and slap yo *kitten* with one side of itSorry, but you should have gone to law school instead of nursing school. This dilemma is going to be ongoing, probably get worse and will require legal savvy to negotiate.
Also, you'll eventually have to pay for full time home care for your mother, since I'm sure you don't want her to end her days in an institution or be at the mercy of a drunk flat mate. That requires big bucks and you'll have to be seriously earning in order to pay for that.
Consider law school after graduation. Or consider a professional or educational trajectory which will enable you to earn lots of money to take care of yourself and your family.
Sorry you've been dealt this hand, but I know where you're at. I can relate. The only answer to this is earn lots of money. That's what will liberate you and give you whatever peace of mind you can salvage from all this.
You are going on and on about law school which is like 80K in student debt and starting salaries are at 25K or less, even in NYC, unless she graduated out of Harvard law with 250K debt but wealthy parents. Lawyers don't make that much money until later and after a lot of struggle.... they look great when binge watching netflix and chilling.
Besides, she is already in nursing school. So it's like rubbing salt on her wounds.
You're right. Law school grads are struggling right now trying to find jobs. There is even a class action lawsuit against a law school for over-inflating job placement stats. Plus the debt.
Forbes had an article on it.
I worked for lawyers, I'm married to one, we had one over on Christmas who's struggling to find work. Ya eventually they can make lots but you guys are right it's not all sunshine and roses and rolling in cash.
For OP....I feel a bit of what you're going through. My dad passed away recently and my mom who was reliant on him is now reliant on me. Somedays it feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. For dad's funeral everyone deferred to me. It is tough. But it is character building you'll come out the other side tougher and happy you were there for your mom2 -
sunnysunny88 wrote: »I'm so sorry to read about your circumstances, it must be horrible. I went through a similar thing last year although I had help from my sister (although she was pregnant and understandably can't do much) and my husband, I was working full time and living with my mother who was dying from cancer. My dad was with us too but he didn't do much and we had a lot of stress from that, it was only when it was apparent that she only had weeks to live that he started helping out with her. I can emphatise although obviously won't be able to completely understand what you are going through. May be worth having a chat with your dad about what you are feeling or go to a counsellor together, or go to a counsellor yourself, does your college have a school counsellor you can go to? How about other family members? Aunts or uncles? It must be so hard, all the best my thoughts are with you
Yes, our school actually does have free counseling. I will definitely utilize that. I have many aunts and uncles that I can talk to. I just feel like it would be a burden, if that makes sense.
Reach out to your family, friends, church, neighbor, community, etc. You and your mom and dad need a support network.
It is not a burden to share your problems.
Think of it as you would with health care. A nurse or doctor does not work alone to run a hospital and care for patients. You need many people working together.
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OP, Congratulations on pursuing your dream! I think you'll be a great nurse...you sound like a bright, caring person. I'm really sorry to hear about the troubles you're having - that's a lot of stress. A small piece of advice, even though you just came to vent...please reach out to those aunts and uncles. I wish - WISH - I'd learned to ask for help when I was a young person. There is no reason to do this all on your own. Think about what they could do to help support their sister/sister-in-law and you as you navigate this situation and simply ask. The more pressure you put on yourself and the further you stretch yourself, the less effective you'll be overall. I know this from experience...you really do need to take care of you so that you can be there for those you love. Wishing you all the best!!0
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futuresize8 wrote: »OP, Congratulations on pursuing your dream! I think you'll be a great nurse...you sound like a bright, caring person. I'm really sorry to hear about the troubles you're having - that's a lot of stress. A small piece of advice, even though you just came to vent...please reach out to those aunts and uncles. I wish - WISH - I'd learned to ask for help when I was a young person. There is no reason to do this all on your own. Think about what they could do to help support their sister/sister-in-law and you as you navigate this situation and simply ask. The more pressure you put on yourself and the further you stretch yourself, the less effective you'll be overall. I know this from experience...you really do need to take care of you so that you can be there for those you love. Wishing you all the best!!
Thank you!
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