Stuck in hotel room with my feeder mother, Debbie Downer

Options
2»

Replies

  • hobbesla4
    hobbesla4 Posts: 20 Member
    Options
    Your mom sounds like she may have had a vision of the "perfect" holiday vacation to spend with you. Then once you arrived at your destination, things are not going according to her idea of what "perfect" might be. Thus, she is cranky and complains of missing home and her normal routine. It also sounds like she is used to being a food pusher (comforting herself and others through food).

    If you can, try to increase your time walking and drink more water. You probably would not be able to get her to enjoy exercising if she never has. You can control your behavior, but not hers. It is hard; if she is always critical of you, she won't change overnight. Try to make a solid plan for when you return home, including exercise and sleep. Not saying that your mom is a negative person, but if you think that she is (or any other relatives or friends are), limit your contact with them once you get back home. Surround yourself with positive people who will build you up, not constantly criticize you.
  • EttaMaeMartin
    EttaMaeMartin Posts: 303 Member
    Options
    Pierre_is_a_cat wrote: »
    My mother and I are staying in a foreign city for Christmas. She is prone to negativity at the best of times, but being away from bingo, her cats and in a developing country isn't proving an enjoyable experience for her. I feel an enormous sense of guilt that she's not enjoying herself ("the coffee is cold, the room view sucks, there are too many motorbikes, the language is different, it's dirty, the theatre seats are too far back"). I spent the first five days scrambling to keep her entertained, trying to guess what would please her (eating junk food seems to be about it), the last two days I have simply kowtowed to her wishes and although it seems to irritate her when I answer every question with 'whatever you'd like to do, ma' -- it's up to you' it's been easier for me than than guessing what she wants. I do want her to be happy, I want her to have a good holiday and create nice memories, and I especially want to be grateful for time spent with mum -- I know a lot of people don't get this kind of chance. The constant tide of negativity has worn me down though.

    On an intellectual level, I recognize I'm responsible for my own emotions and experience of the world, however I can't shake this feeling of utter sadness, and it's manifesting through self-punishing binge eating. Mum's always been a feeder (she's obese class i herself) and I have sunk back into eating terrible habits partly to block the torment, and partly because at least then she's happy and doesn't scowl. I've gone from consistently (months and months!) of eating around 1200 cals a day (whole foods, vegan, intermittent fasting) to a maddening gluttony of 3000 cals a day stuffed with chocolate brownies, ice cream, and white bread.

    In another three days we go back to our normal lives, so theoretically this will all be over soon. But I'm begging for some kind words, some positivity, and maybe some gentle reassurance that this isn't the undoing of all my hard work. I don't think I can change my mother (I can only try to look after her), but I want to know that I can choose to change myself, right? I can pick up where I left off and this *kitten*, disordered relationship with food doesn't need to control my life? I grew up an obese child, and only recently got down to my lowest adult weight ever -- just 3kg above my maximum suggested BMI. I'm so frightened of getting back on the scales once I get home.

    TL/DR -- chocolate brownies antidote to cranky mother; send fruit/reality check ASAP?

    you are not responsible for another persons happiness. you cannot change anyone but yourself. have a good time and if she choose to be miserable it is her choice. if you are enjoying yourself then continue. remember nothing lasts forever, even though it may feel like it when you get back you can do whatever you need to do to make your eating work for you don't beat yourself up...just continue as you were b4 this trip. sometimes it is good to set boundaries for people who are toxic to us. not walls, but maybe i cant be AROUND YOU BECAUSE...?
    DON'T BE MEAN, BUT MEAN WHAT YOU SAY. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, BECAUSE NO ON ELSE WILL. KEEP ON THE PATH TO HEALTH AND HAPPINESS IN THIS NEW YEAR! STAY AWAY FROM THE SCALE FOR AWHILE TILL YOU ARE BACK IN YOUR ROUTINE. I DO NOT LIKE THE SCALE. I DON'T WANT A NUMBER TO DEFINE ME. I GO BY HOW MY CLOTHES FIT AND HOW MY BODY LOOKS. I AM VERY MUSCULAR, AS I LOVE YOGA, BUT THAT MUSCLE WEIGHS MORE....AND I TEND TO SHAME MYSELF FOR WHAT A NUMBER SAYS. DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU. JUST SHARING MY ADVENTURE. IT IS ALWAYS A NEW DAY!
  • jgnatca
    jgnatca Posts: 14,464 Member
    Options
    This is a case of setting boundaries.

    http://davidkflowers.com/2013/03/boundaries-with-toxic-parents/

    Cuba must be a fascinating place. Is there anything you want to see before you leave? I suggest you pad your mother with enough food to keep her quiet and get out to see those things you really want to see before you go.

    Don't get sucked in to any more unplanned vacations with your mom, and be clear what you will and won't accept while vacationing together. If she ignores your needs, get separate rooms.
  • mskimee
    mskimee Posts: 228 Member
    Options
    Could you try Sneaky Exercise! Google some nearby interesting things and be like "hey, mum check out this great thing. Lets go for a walk and see what it's like." or if there are local markets, do a few "just browsing" laps and burn a few extra calories. That way it's not exercise to her, it's memories made and you get to feel a bit better. She might have it in her head that food=happiness and she wants you to be happy, therefore in her mind feeding you makes you happy...the weight will come off once you get home, it won't be as bad as you think.
  • Cylphin60
    Cylphin60 Posts: 863 Member
    Options
    @Pierre_is_a_cat

    That you can maintain what appears to be such a wonderful attitude around negativity speaks volumes about you, all of it good. :)

    My Grandmother could make the Pope cry and run for cover :D The best way to handle the onslaught was to never ever miss a chance to smile at her, tell her how good she looked, how awesome she was and how great it was to spend time with her. She would literally be speechless, and on occasion even forget herself for a moment and crack a smile lol. And she really did have a beautiful smile.

    Fighting fire with love and selective hearing, it really works o:)
  • kenyonhaff
    kenyonhaff Posts: 1,377 Member
    Options
    I'm kinda wondering if your mother of today is not entirely the mother who enjoyed world travelling BEFORE THE DEATH OF YOUR FATHER. I think this is key. I'm thinking your mother may still be grieving, and may well be very depressed--and not even travelling to an exotic location has got her out of this.

    In depression (temporary or otherwise) things that were enjoyable may not be anymore. Indecision and trouble making good decisions are very, very common. There's a longing for the familiar and an intolerance for minor irritants. A person may be very passive, too. There are a lot of very probable symptoms of depression here!

    Now, where does this leave you? Your intentions were good, certainly. But now you're stuck with a stick-in-the-mud whom you dearly love, but is also ruining your precious time, money, and so on.

    My thought is simply to figure out how to make the best of things. It may be best to cut your losses and return early--I don't know if that's a possibility.

    I think it's also fair to put up some healthy boundaries and expectations. After all, you came to vacation to explore and sightsee and have a good time. It's not fair for her to expect YOU not to do these things even if SHE does not want to. She isn't sick and doesn't need you to stay with you in the hotel room. You're a grown woman and decides what and when to eat...yes she's your mother but you aren't a fifth grader anymore, either. Even if she is depressed and has control issues with you, that doesn't mean you have to cater to that.

    If bailing on the vacation isn't an option, I'd simply decide what I want to do independently of HER. What I would do is simply state, "Mom, I love you. And I'm sorry you're not having a good time. But I came here to go on vacation and there are things I want to do here. Today I'd like to do (X) and (Y). You can come with me, or not. I'd love to have you do these things, but if not, that's OK too. If you can think of something you'd like to do together, I'd love to hear it and plan it. But if not, that's OK too. After I do (X) today, I'll come back here and check in with you and have lunch."

    She may very well try to guilt or manipulate you. She may want you to play into a narrative or sad story. But you have every right to enjoy your vacation. Even if depressed, she has free choice about how she chooses to spend her time.

  • Larissa_NY
    Larissa_NY Posts: 495 Member
    edited January 2017
    Options
    Cutaway_Collar wrote: »
    I hate vacations, unless it's with my wife.

    Vacation with mom is a bad idea because:
    1. She can't go places
    2. Cannot walk as fast as you
    3. Cannot go zip lining
    4. Cannot booze or eat anywhere you want

    Hurry back home and start over.

    I have tried so many times to get my daughter to go zip lining with me. Doesn't work.

    OP, I'm sorry you and your mother are having a miserable vacation. If you only have three days left, just wait it out. Terrible vacations happen, there's no need to "punish" yourself or binge eat or, tbh, not just leave your mother in the hotel room and go out and enjoy yourself. But I wouldn't advise going on vacation with her again until you've sat her down and said something to the effect of "Mom, I know you were really miserable when we went to Country X, so let's do some planning so we can figure out how to keep that from happening again."

    Your mother will get too old to travel, it's true. Parents do that. But when she gets to that stage - and I have to be honest, it sounds more than a little like she's gotten there already - would you rather look back and say "We went on twenty trips and she was a miserable pain in the *kitten* for every one of them" or "Mom just didn't enjoy traveling all that much after a while, so we stayed closer to home and did things that made us both happy"? Traveling is great but it's not something you undertake lightly, or something you do just to say you've done it. If you're miserable, it's not worth it.
  • Elise4270
    Elise4270 Posts: 8,375 Member
    edited January 2017
    Options
    My mother and I chose different lifestyles (mine without alcohol, pot, and pedaphiles or physically abusive men).

    We parted ways about 16 years ago. She was very difficult to deal with no matter how hard I tried, just an emotional leech, and condensending. Which kinda sounds like my husband..... So I didn't escape that....

    Enjoy it the best you can. Sounds like maybe your trying to hard.
  • Susieq_1994
    Susieq_1994 Posts: 5,361 Member
    Options
    Thanks for the update! I love your positivity. Reading your posts are a pleasure! :) All the best to you, internet stranger. ;)

Categories