slippery slope

mrsmammahunter

My weight loss story is long and complicated heres a summary so you can understand my problem better.I also posted this on the support thread. I had a baby 5 years ago lost the weight. Fast forward 2 years later i have my second child and i spiralled out of control as a result of PPD. I lost 40 pounds , 6 months later I had gained it all back plus 25 pounds. So then i had 65 pounds to loose. I lost 30 pounds again and guess what...... 4 months after i gained it all back. THEN I lost 50 pounds as a result of 70% of the time I do not count calories. Calorie counting was horrible for me did not change my habits. As long as those calories were low i was GOLDEN. Then when it came time to maintain i couldn't religiously count them and i didnt know how to eat or portion control properly and BAM gained weight. One year ago I for the majority of the time decided not to religiously calorie count. I learned about habits, portions, balance and lost 50 pounds SLOW over the course of a year. Here I am now a year later I am a different person mentally and i have 15 more pounds to loose and i am in no hurry to do it.

Whole point of this is my husband is coming home from a deployment and he is a trigger for me. I love him to death but he has awful eating habits and gets heated when i refuse to eat out with him or we go out to eat and i eat something healthy ("whats the point then?") dont get me wrong he wants me to be happy and he is so proud of me but he is toxic to my life style change and one of the huge reasons i gained and lost gained and lost. This is my major and one of the biggest tests that i will have to check how strong mentally i have gotten and i am horrified i will fail. I need some advice , strong words, how to bring this up to him without sounding like an a hole, and when should i bring it up ?Here is a before and a current photo of me im sorry in advance if the photo is huge im not very experienced with uploading on here.



Before ^^^



A few days ago ^^

suruda

That's tough! Can you start the conversation with that disclaimer "I don't want to be an a*hole" then tell him what you need. That you would love to eat out with him but need it to be places where you can make healthy choices. I would think that whatever you are cooking at home is going to taste better to him than what he was eating while deployed.

You look great, you have worked hard to get here, now you will have to work even harder to stay there and lose the last little bit! Be strong, you can do it!

ClosetBayesian

First, congratulations on losing weight! You may find that the slower loss is more sustainable.

That said, your husband should not control what you eat. If he can't cope with you adulting for yourself, a marriage counselor might not be a bad idea. I would simply tell him you'll eat what you want to eat, end of chat; if he reacts badly to you being assertive, he needs help.

ClosetBayesian

suruda wrote: »

That's tough! Can you start the conversation with that disclaimer "I don't want to be an a*hole" then tell him what you need. That you would love to eat out with him but need it to be places where you can make healthy choices. I would think that whatever you are cooking at home is going to taste better to him than what he was eating while deployed.

You look great, you have worked hard to get here, now you will have to work even harder to stay there and lose the last little bit! Be strong, you can do it!

Disagree with the bold. This assumes that he cares about her needs, and from her post, I don't think that's an accurate assumption. Say she tells him she needs this, and he says no - then what? How does she take that little bit of power back?

Christine_72

Is your husband insecure? Does he worry that other men will look at you more, and you may stray if you lose weight? This is especially so if he is away for months at a time.

mrsmammahunter

he feels bad he eats that way and me eating that way makes him feel better about his food choices. He is very active and in great shape doesnt need to loose weight or anything but i think me choosing not to indulge as much as he does makes him feel bad im not really sure but i can tell he gets irritated that he cant take me out where ever he wants to to go because some places there just isnt a healthy option. I don't eat like an angel 100% of the time but he recently told me he cant wait to come home and eat pizza bbq sushi etc because the food where he is is AWFUL. I don't want to damper on his parade but i dont enjoy eating like i used to but he never had to change his eating habits because hes never had a weight problem and i tell him he should be concerned with inner health one day he wont be able to eat like he does. Its just a sore topic for us. Christine , maybe i mean im a very outgoing person with a lot of friends and he is more of a small group type of guy. He has been gone for a long time maybe he will get back and not enjoy old habits like he used to. I just want to be prepared for my rebuttal

everher

I think most couples can't eat the same amount of calories.

I would just be open and honest with him that you've worked hard to lose the weight, don't want to regain the weight, and it's just impossible for you to eat like him and stay in good shape/health. It doesn't mean you have a problem with his eating choices though or that you want him to eat differently. You are just choosing how you eat.

RodaRose

Save calories during the day so that that you can have a slice of cheese pizza with him. And when you are around him, stop talking (lecturing) about food.
Maybe try not to think about food being "healthy." Fit it into your calories for the day. If you go over a little bit on a day that you eat out with him, you can make up for that the next few days.

mrsmammahunter

everher wrote: »

I think most couples can't eat the same amount of calories.

I would just be open and honest with him that you've worked hard to lose the weight, don't want to regain the weight, and it's just impossible for you to eat like him and stay in good shape/health. It doesn't mean you have a problem with his eating choices though or that you want him to eat differently. You are just choosing how you eat.

ohh i didnt think about it that way maybe because i have changed so much he feels like im judging him . I will prob bring it up like that not aggressive enjoy the first few days of him being home and then bring it up like "hey im so happy your home and celebrating with you has been amazing but i wanted to remind you since your home that i eat a pretty clean diet and am going back to doing that. I noticed in the past this was an issue for us is that because you felt i was judging you? "

mrsmammahunter

RodaRose wrote: »

Save calories during the day so that that you can have a slice of cheese pizza with him. And when you are around him, stop talking (lecturing) about food.
Maybe try not to think about food being "healthy." Fit it into your calories for the day. If you go over a little bit on a day that you eat out with him, you can make up for that the next few days.

I feel like in the past i prob did have a lecture tone I have mentally been training myself over the year to view food as something other than an enemy but i tend to be on the extremes . Eat amazing or eat crappy its exhausting

lynn_glenmont

There's a difference between

(1)

he has awful eating habits and gets heated when i refuse to eat out with him

and
(2)

he has awful eating habits and gets heated when i refuse to eat out with him or we go out to eat and i eat something healthy ("whats the point then?")

and
(3)

he cant take me out where ever he wants to to go because some places there just isnt a healthy option

(1) Why are you refusing to go out with him? After he's been gone so long, I'm sure you both want to be together rather than eating your meals separately, and it's not unreasonable for him to want to eat places he hasn't been able to go to for months and months.

(2) This is the problem. You're an adult, and assuming what you're eating isn't part of some self-harming behavior, it's not for him to object. This is the conversation you need to have. Ask him why it makes him angry (or "heated") for you to eat what you want. Suggest that it's no different if you opt for salad while he's eating barbecue than if you opt for the pork barbecue and he gets the beef. You don't have to both eat the same thing. In fact, that's one of the advantages of going out to eat. You both get to eat what you want, within the limits of the menu, without the extra work that it would make at home if you had to cook two separate meals for the two of you.

(3) He can take you wherever he wants to go. There are lots of strategies for dealing with menus that don't have a "healthy option," including adjusting your idea of what is healthy (hint: individual foods and meals aren't "healthy" or "unhealthy," overall diets are healthy or unhealthy), eating something "healthy" before you go and having just a side salad or soup or an appetizer at the restaurant, and ordering whatever you want and asking that they bring a box with it to put half or more of it in right away before you start eating the remainder.

Commander_Keen

Don't say anything until he is done with the military. Its not worth the fight.
but you can make better choices. Instead of cookies & ice cream, have apples and something.
If you go to Mcdonalds have a chicken wrap.
order stuff that has chicken and throw away the rest.

mrsmammahunter

lynn_glenmont wrote: »

There's a difference between

(1)

he has awful eating habits and gets heated when i refuse to eat out with him

and
(2)

he has awful eating habits and gets heated when i refuse to eat out with him or we go out to eat and i eat something healthy ("whats the point then?")

and
(3)

he cant take me out where ever he wants to to go because some places there just isnt a healthy option

(1) Why are you refusing to go out with him? After he's been gone so long, I'm sure you both want to be together rather than eating your meals separately, and it's not unreasonable for him to want to eat places he hasn't been able to go to for months and months.

(2) This is the problem. You're an adult, and assuming what you're eating isn't part of some self-harming behavior, it's not for him to object. This is the conversation you need to have. Ask him why it makes him angry (or "heated") for you to eat what you want. Suggest that it's no different if you opt for salad while he's eating barbecue than if you opt for the pork barbecue and he gets the beef. You don't have to both eat the same thing. In fact, that's one of the advantages of going out to eat. You both get to eat what you want, within the limits of the menu, without the extra work that it would make at home if you had to cook two separate meals for the two of you.

(3) He can take you wherever he wants to go. There are lots of strategies for dealing with menus that don't have a "healthy option," including adjusting your idea of what is healthy (hint: individual foods and meals aren't "healthy" or "unhealthy," overall diets are healthy or unhealthy), eating something "healthy" before you go and having just a side salad or soup or an appetizer at the restaurant, and ordering whatever you want and asking that they bring a box with it to put half or more of it in right away before you start eating the remainder.

Good insights

He isnt home yet so once he does get home I will go out and splurge with him for the first few days. I just dont like spending money on eating out when its not something I care to do. In the past it was a every weekend thing when i would rather go on dates with him like me cooking and us going on a hike and a picnic or eat at home first then go bowling etc . I don't want to bring it up to him while he is away until he comes home and i see its still a sore button. I'm not saying i won't compromise once or twice a month heck yeah lets go to a bar have beers and eat nachos but not an every weekend thing. Its also a I dont know if I trust myself not get in a habit of not minding my choices being in a restaurant surrounded by food i used to drown myself in. In the past when it was brought up it was a problem because he basically saw it as because i eat healthy everyone else needs to and cant eat out. When its more i used to not have good will power and didnt feel i COULD not i have to wait and see if its still like that. I would then tell him take one or both of the kids out if your really having a craving and spend alone time with them or go out with a buddy and eat out then when you come home we can do something special together that we both like. I could be being irrational which is why i posted on here so i have all the opinions and thoughts so im 100% informed before im in the situation

namesnotgotcha

@mrsmammahunter - Your post resonated with me because there have been a few men that I've dated, friends, and family that have been less than supportive of my weight loss efforts. Usually their objections to my change in habits fell into one these categories:

• They didn't know how to support me (ignorance) and thought they were actually being helpful
• They felt threatened / jealous (either because they're ashamed they can't make the change *or* all the time/energy I used to spend on them is now being used to cook/go to the gym)
• They didn't want to be inconvenienced (either in higher grocery costs or trying to find a restaurant that had food we both could eat)
• To them food = love (my relatives are very big on treating people to comfort dishes, cookies, etc.)
• They think they know a "better" way to do it

What I've found helpful with people (that addresses most of the above issues) is saying something like, "hey, I'm trying really hard to eat healthier and lose weight. I want you to know that I don't mind us still going to out eat wherever you want and I'm not asking you to change your habits - I just need your support, feedback, and love. I know I may get a little grouchy when I have food cravings, but I know the further along I am with this process I'll have so much energy to do [insert name of favorite activity you both do together]." (Just an example, use whatever words feel authentic for you.)

Beyond that, ask probing, nonjudgmental questions. Once you identify the root of the issue, then you can work on a solution that serves both your needs. And @ClosetBayesian is right, enlist the help of a marriage counselor or therapist if needed - there's no shame in asking for help in dealing with this!

Good luck!

MagneticGanymede

ClosetBayesian wrote: »

First, congratulations on losing weight! You may find that the slower loss is more sustainable.

That said, your husband should not control what you eat. If he can't cope with you adulting for yourself, a marriage counselor might not be a bad idea. I would simply tell him you'll eat what you want to eat, end of chat; if he reacts badly to you being assertive, he needs help.

I second this. Marriage counseling is great, it might be covered by insurance too. I know several counselors who recommend the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Gottman. He talks about "the harsh startup" when communicating and how it's a bad sign. Maybe if you're not used to being assertive you're worried about being too harsh when you talk about it? He recommends stating "complaints" without "criticisms." Stating the problem without making it a personal attack. I found the book extremely helpful for my interpersonal relationships, definitely recommend it. I'm a people-pleaser and it's hard to feel like I'm disappointing someone but you need appropriate boundaries too. Sorry if that was rambling I hope it was helpful.

mrsmammahunter

@FragileMoonDreamer
thanks! we already decided to read 5 love languages book together so ill get the book by Gottman as our number 2

Shawn_in_OKC

Eject. It'll be healthier for you and the kids in the long run. Or don't eject, gain the weight back and hate him. Or tell him you need his support.

Christine_72

I remember a woman on here was planning to move out of her husband and hers home and was not going to return until she'd lost the weight, because she could not lose weight living with him.
She never came back to let us know how she did, or if she regained the weight after she moved back in..

OP my husband makes it very hard to stick to my deficit, he loves cooking and making me treats. For him, food = love. I had to put my foot down many, many times before it sunk in. He acted like i just murdered his puppy when i said "No thanks".
We rarely go out to dinner, so i dont have the issue you do. You can still go out to dinner, you don't have to order the most boring, healthiest option on the menu, find something inbetween. Remember, you don't have to discuss weight loss or dieting with your husband, you can watch what you eat without making it obvious to him. I have learnt not to bring up calories or dieting to my hubby, as it drives him nuts!

mrsmammahunter

Christine_72 wrote: »

I remember a woman on here was planning to move out of her husband and hers home and was not going to return until she'd lost the weight, because she could not lose weight living with him.
She never came back to let us know how she did, or if she regained the weight after she moved back in..

OP my husband makes it very hard to stick to my deficit, he loves cooking and making me treats. For him, food = love. I had to put my foot down many, many times before it sunk in. He acted like i just murdered his puppy when i said "No thanks".
We rarely go out to dinner, so i dont have the issue you do. You can still go out to dinner, you don't have to order the most boring, healthiest option on the menu, find something inbetween. Remember, you don't have to discuss weight loss or dieting with your husband, you can watch what you eat without making it obvious to him. I have learnt not to bring up calories or dieting to my hubby, as it drives him nuts!

Him being on his deployment has been a blessing and a curse as i have been able to set in stone and adapt to what i need to do health wise. I really hope reintegration goes well i adore him and would never divorce but i refuse to gain the weight back as well.

Exactly!! He acts like i killed his puppy

ronjsteele1

There's some really good advice here, and some really not so good advice here. What I don't understand is why can't you just go out to eat with him wherever he wants to go and order something that either 1) looks or sounds good to you or 2) will fit within what you consider "healthy" (one or the other of these will apply at every restaurant). In either case, you can just eat a couple of bites (which will please him) and take the rest home. You can always tell him you want to enjoy it for leftovers over the next few days. Portion it out so it fits within your calorie goal and finish it over a couple of days. If you eat really slowly when you go out you can totally get by with eating 1/4 of a meal (or less if you do lots of talking). If he's this type, ask him if you two can share a dish and then just eat a few bites of each thing that sounds good to you and will fit for that day.

I totally get the difficulty of eating right around him. I'm in a similar situation (although mine doesn't get offended, he just likes his crap food). But it finally occurred to me that ultimately I'm in control of what goes in my mouth. I can still be sweet and enjoy my times out with hubby and *make it work.* Sometimes that might mean eating a small amount and taking the rest home (in which case many times my husband will eat the leftovers), banking calories for a restaurant I really do want to eat at and I know I'll go over, etc. There are so many ways to do this without making a scene about it with him.

*IF* after a few weeks of his being home you find yourself not able to stay within your allotted calories because of things he says, etc. then I think you could sit down and lovingly tell him, "I am so excited that you are finally home. We missed you. I worked really hard to lose the weight I'd gained so that when you came home you'd find me sexy and waiting for you. I really want to maintain what I've lost and it would be really helpful to me if we could trade off where we eat out so I can make sure to stay looking sexy for you. So could we take turns and trade off picking where we eat out?" Whatever you say, it needs to be in terms of "I" and not "you." He will shut down as soon as you tell him "you make it hard for me to eat healthy." Change "healthy" in your mind to "within calorie goal for the day." And I don't say that easily b/c I'm one that believes there are healthy and unhealthy foods. I've just learned that when it comes to my marriage, that balance between losing/staying fit and having a husband that eats like crap can be done, I just have to be really creative about it.

And thank you both for your sacrifice!