Long Post! Sorry! :)

HLA_LovinMe

Hello All!
F/32/5' 1" CW: 203 GW: 125-130

I've been overweight basically my whole life and have yo-yo'd for yeeeeears. I've done the weight loss 'thing' a couple of times, and have used MFP successfully twice to lose 30 pounds on two separate occasions. My lowest was around 140 back in high school, and since then, my lowest as an adult has been a short lived 160. This is just about the heaviest I've ever been, and I am feeling it, everywhere! I'm fatigued, achy, sore joints, depressed, severe social anxiety, horrendously horrible body-hatred (and I'm realizing that I do need to love myself and my body for this to work, but I'm working on the how). I'm stuck in a negative feedback loop and I need to get out. I think the most difficult thing about all of this, is I know I've done it before, but then 'fell off the wagon'... Each time I try and subsequently fail, I have less belief in my self and my resolve. But, I'm only getting older, and I don't want to feel the way I do. I'm watching my mom go down hill. She'll be 55 this year, and she's obese, a heavy smoker, a daily (but light) drinker (with energy drinks). She's got two *kitten* knees now, to the point she's currently not working and is looking at double knee replacements sooner rather than later. She's miserable and depressed and in constant pain. I absolutely, positively, do NOT want that in my future. I'm so worried about her health. She's trying to get her *kitten* together too, but she has zero interest in CICO, and until she does, I don't think it's going to work for her. I'm trying to help her, but not sure it's going to work. She just switched from regular rock star to the rock star zero, and she's trying to cut back to 1/2 a pack of cigs a day, eventually switch to a vaporizer. We're making green smoothies and cooking healthy dinners together. But, she has no grasp on what's healthy and what's not; last night she had a huge bowl of cereal (rice chex) with full fat milk, and she smiled and said, 'no sugar!' sigh smh

I know this is about me, and not about my mom, but in a way, it kind of is, because I can see myself going down her path if I do not stop it, NOW. And my son is already going down MY path. He's 9 and already realizing he's starting to get a little chubby, and he doesn't even eat anything like I did when I was a kid. I grew up on ramen, hot dogs and mac n cheese, with nary a vegetable or lean protein in sight. My son eats blueberries, salad (no dressing!), air popped popcorn and cheese, on the regular! (Granted, there is pizza, chicken noodle soup and a chicken nugget here and there). He's obviously getting too much though, cuz he is still getting chubby. I don't want him to go down the sad, shameful, body-negative path that I have been on ever since I can remember. There has to be something different about this time.

I have mental health struggles as well; I deal with bipolar disorder, anxiety and panic, and depression, and I fight with binge eating (I was bulimic in high school, but thankfully no longer purge). I remember times when I would shove cookies in my mouth and chew them, tasting them, and then just spit them out, in an attempt to not throw up. I'll go crazy and binge all at once, but usually, my binges will last for weeks, where I'll eat everything I can get my hands on, to the point of feeling pain, just to continue eating again after a bit of time has passed, for days or weeks on end. I've thrown up in the parking lots of buffet restaurants from eating too much. There have been too many times to count that I have gone to bed, only to not be able to sleep because of the pain of over eating and the heartburn and indigestion that comes along with it. I've tried therapy, which didn't really help, but it's also not an option currently due to finances. I've heard good things about cognitive behavioral therapy, but not sure if that's something one can do on their own without a therapist, as I don't know much about it.

I'm an educated woman, and I have the know-how needed to accomplish things (including losing weight) in my life, but the depression and anxiety (and lack of willpower/resolve) are a constant struggle for basically everything in my life.

I have a million reasons to want to be happy and healthy, and dammit, I want to look good!!! I'm single, and have been for basically forever, aside for short little relationships sporadically. I almost never date (or even go out for fun, for that matter), I go years without sex, all because of my weight and hatred of my body. I have about the lowest self esteem I could possibly have. I want to feel good, and confident, and sexy. I want to wear whatever I feel like *kitten* wearing, without worrying how I look. I want to love to go clothes shopping rather than hate it, and end up grumpy and crying.

I don't know if anyone will read this. This is more of a vent I suppose, just needing to get it out of me. Reading it back, I sound like I'm in a very bad place mentally and emotionally, and I suppose I am a bit, but not as much as this sounds. I'm thinking positively and feeling guardedly hopeful. I'm trying to keep myself busy, even if that just means doing laundry or the dishes or playing with my dog. I'm turning to r/loseit or MFP for motivation or to burn time, rather than looking in the fridge.

Anyway, thanks for listening.

(BTW, what's everyone's favorite app? I'm a little grumpy to find that MFP has been taken over my Under Armor and a lot of the features are now premium, especially to track macros).