Mom Died and I Want Food

cashidy

My mother had borderline personality disorder and all three of her children coped with various eating disorders. I was getting healthy, and really happy about my fitness progress and getting healthy, and now I feel like bingeing, intermittent fasting, and all the things I had just gotten away from. I want some comfort food!

It is hard when I am grieving over someone who hurt her children more than loved them, but she was also our mother and was not always bad.

I feel pretty confused. Like I shouldn't be sad and I am just making an excuse to be lazy. I know I am being silly, but still feelings don't always follow logic.

cashidy

She died last night of heart failure, most likely do to all the bad behaviors her disorder used to cope.

MonkeyMel21

I'm sorry for your loss. Do what you need to do and get back to it when you're ready.

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Gimsteinn

Oh beautiful I'm so so so sorry. No matter how she treated you guys, she was your mom. You're allowed to feel bad and grief. And, wanting to binge on food in time like these is totally normal. Just take care of yourself. Cry a little.. hug your loved ones and keep your health routine up.

sbrandt37

I'm really sorry for your loss. Having struggled with some similar relationships, I know how hard it is to deal with that sort of conflict. My advice would be to recognize and pay attention to your need for comfort. Don't minimize the importance of taking care of yourself--care for yourself as you would a close friend in need of comfort. Just do something nice for yourself that does not involve food. Something that will feel good and make you feel well cared for. Go for a walk. Get a foot massage. Have a spa day. Something like that.

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Miz_T

Honey, I'm soooo sorry for your loss. Big hugs for you. I can't blame you for wanting to eat all the things. No matter the faults, your mom is still your mom and a loss is hard. Again, big huge hugs for you in your grief.

MalkinMagic71

So sorry for your loss. Take care of you for the next little while. You need to grieve. Then get back on the wagon after you have given yourself time to recover.

pinuplove

I'm so sorry. Relationships are complicated, grief is complicated, emotions are complicated. There is no right or wrong in what you're feeling. It's unique to you and your situation. Be kind to yourself, and if you feel like you need help coping please reach out to someone qualified.

synchkat

So sorry for your loss. Sounds like you are grieving many things, not only her death. Take your time death is never easy

cashidy

Thank you all. I know it is silly to post somewhere public like this, but I want to tell people. Cause it is crazy she died and it is just this singular event no one knows or cares about but us. And I can talk to you guys here and not hurt anyone and get advice without feeling ashamed or as sad.

cashidy

Can I ask how do you grieve over someone you love and hate?

mlee123

It has been almost a year since my mother died... unexpectedly of heart failure.

I can tell you that it will hurt.... deep and awful for a long time. Nobody can tell you how to grieve- and there is no right or wrong. What I can tell you is some things I have learned this last year- and maybe one or two can be helpful for you.

It is not your job to help everyone. I spent the first few weeks trying to console everyone else, make sure everyone else was OK. It was weeks of weeping in my fiances arms before I was honest with myself and started seeing a therapist. This is the best thing I could have done. ( I use a therapy app and can set my troubles down in it whenever I need to and my therapist responds within a few hours--and it is only $99 a month{maybe a few less beers or trips to Starbucks}- way more affordable than I would have guessed!!) Having someone who is not grieving my mom to talk to, and isn't emotionally connected to me has been the greatest help- I cannot stress it enough.

People will say stupid things with the BEST of intentions- "If you need a mom..." was the one that, for nearly two months, made me want to slap people. They have no idea what to say, they just want to be there for you... try and let them be there for you.

It is OK to laugh. I felt guilty when discussing funny memories but that laughter and those memories of joy are important- the mom who loved you and you loved would want that to be what you focus on and hold in your memory- I am pretty sure that is a general mom rule.

You will keep waiting. I do not know when this ends as I still have the hint of a feeling from time to time. When I first wake up, that I check for a text before I realize that she is gone. When I get off work after a promotion and my first urge is to call her but immediately remember that I cannot. You keep waiting to be "over it" you keep waiting for the moment she doesn't pop into your mind about the mundane things(because you expect the big things like weddings and babies to be emotional and you can semi-prepare for those) but, someone who has been a part of your whole life, doesn't just go away..... and I am not quite sure I want her to.

You will eat. and You will cry. and you will sleep. All of the things that lead you down the path that you are seeking not to go.... you will do. and it is OK. because your voice will speak out over the grief and you will get back on track.

It is OK to cry and you will do it (seemingly) nonstop at first but it will get less and less and you will go weeks where your are OK only to have a weird, unprompted sad day- and that is OK.

You see, my mom didn't have any heart disease or clogging of her arteries but she had dealt with medical problems for nearly two decades. She was a large woman, in great part due to her medical issues, a constant barrage of medicines and the sad fact that even doctor monitored diets would land her in the hospital because of her medical status- it was a long, hard battle of weight. We fought about food and weight and all the things mothers and daughters fight about but, luckily, love is strong. I had this sudden shock and now a whole new fear that one day my heart might just quit- for no real reason. I want to do my very best to make sure that doesn't happen to me. I realized that I have gained more than 30 pounds since her passing... just this morning. So, I came back to myfitnesspal to keep myself honest and make/follow plans but then I saw your post. I believe there is nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be. I only hope that something I shared might be something you needed to hear.

Sunna_W

I am sorry for your grieving and your hurt. Find the good and grieve those few moments; see the bad and grieve for what you didn’t have. Know that YOU have the power to break the cycle and be the mom you wished you had both to yourself and the kids you may have. If you can afford counseling, get some. John Bradshaw (who died last year) has some YouTube Videos (Healing the Shame that Binds You) that might be helpful as you move beyond this. All children deserve to be loved, cherished and be given the coping tools they need to be successful adults. In my family that didn't happen either. Relatives always said that we had to make allowances for her because she was sick. It wasn't until I read Rebecca Wells' Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood (told from Vivi's daughter, Sidda's point of view) and Little Altars Everywhere (told from other people's points of view) that describes Vivi's psychotic episode in which she beats all of kids with a belt on the front lawn, all the while screaming and crying uncontrollably, when the housekeeper exclaims to her husband that they must go up there and stop her, she was imagining how terrified the children must be to be having that experience... that is finally occurred to me, that NO ONE EVER ASKED ME HOW WHAT WAS HAPPENING AFFECTED ME! Big revelation... I spent my whole life where attention was directed at her and not on us (I have 3 other siblings). That said, we all have developed coping mechanisms (mostly drugs and alcohol and food control issues). I have often asked myself how I will feel when she is gone. Some of the things that she did to me were unforgivable. I tried to emulate my office mate’s parenting, unashamedly asked for parenting advice from co-workers, read parenting magazines, subscribed to Daughters (I think it’s defunct now) and I did a lot of anti-parenting (the exact opposite of what my mother did to me) all in an effort to not scar my daughter and further the cycle of abuse. In fact that last straw in a long list of things was when my mother commented meanly on my daughter’s weight. (It turns out that we have a genetic thyroid issue, which explains so much). And I stopped speaking to her and cut her off from my daughter. I don’t know if she thrives or malingers and I am sorry to say that I don’t care. I say all of this to you because I know that you could be broken – but you are not. You are here and you asked for help. Find the good and grieve those few moments; see the bad and grieve for what you didn’t have. For yourself, forgive what you can and just try to move past the rest. Know that YOU have the power to break the cycle and be the mom (when you are ready) you wished you had both to yourself and the kids you may have in the future. If you can afford counseling, get some. John Bradshaw (who died last year) has some YouTube Videos (Healing the Shame that Binds You) that might be helpful as you move forward. Just live one minute at a time until you can live one hour at a time; then live one hour until you can live one day at a time. Look forward. Put one foot in front of the other. Know that you are not alone and you are strong. Feel free to keep in touch. Sunna

AdamAthletic

Condolences!
There's such a minimal about of real difference between the emotions of love and hate - they're so closely linked!
The truth is, she was your mother and its natural that whatever happened leading up, its a loss of somebody that brought you into the world and its natural to grieve!

Sending thoughts your way, sorry you've experienced what you have!

Sunna_W

I am sorry for your grieving and your hurt. Find the good and grieve those few moments; see the bad and grieve for what you didn’t have. Know that YOU have the power to break the cycle and be the mom you wished you had both to yourself and the kids you may have. If you can afford counseling, get some. John Bradshaw (who died last year) has some YouTube Videos (Healing the Shame that Binds You) that might be helpful as you move beyond this. All children deserve to be loved, cherished and be given the coping tools they need to be successful adults. In my family that didn't happen either. Relatives always said that we had to make allowances for her because she was sick. It wasn't until I read Rebecca Wells' Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood (told from Vivi's daughter, Sidda's point of view) and Little Altars Everywhere (told from other people's points of view) that describes Vivi's psychotic episode in which she beats all of kids with a belt on the front lawn, all the while screaming and crying uncontrollably, when the housekeeper exclaims to her husband that they must go up there and stop her, she was imagining how terrified the children must be to be having that experience... that is finally occurred to me, that NO ONE EVER ASKED ME HOW WHAT WAS HAPPENING AFFECTED ME! Big revelation... I spent my whole life where attention was directed at her and not on us (I have 3 other siblings). That said, we all have developed coping mechanisms (mostly drugs and alcohol and food control issues). I have often asked myself how I will feel when she is gone. Some of the things that she did to me were unforgivable. I tried to emulate my office mate’s parenting, unashamedly asked for parenting advice from co-workers, read parenting magazines, subscribed to Daughters (I think it’s defunct now) and I did a lot of anti-parenting (the exact opposite of what my mother did to me) all in an effort to not scar my daughter and further the cycle of abuse. In fact that last straw in a long list of things was when my mother commented meanly on my daughter’s weight. (It turns out that we have a genetic thyroid issue, which explains so much). And I stopped speaking to her and cut her off from my daughter. I don’t know if she thrives or malingers and I am sorry to say that I don’t care. I say all of this to you because I know that you could be broken – but you are not. You are here and you asked for help. Just live one minute at a time until you can live one hour at a time; then live one hour until you can live one day at a time. Look forward. Put one foot in front of the other. Know that you are not alone and you are strong. Feel free to keep in touch. Sunna

cashidy

Thank you all

Need2Exerc1se

Overeating won't bring back your mother or change your conflicting feelings about her and her passing. All it will do is bring up more bad feelings about your weight and guilt at overeating.

Rant, cry, run, walk, talk to a friend or a stranger or a professional, write your feelings down, meditate, do something constructive that will help you deal with your emotions rather than suppress them with food. Focus on the good side of your mother and forgive the bad. Forgiveness can be very powerful. Focus on you. Make your life great.

frannieshack

Yes! Focus on yourself. Do not worry about whether this or that is "normal". There is no right or wrong way to feel about what you are going through right now. Continue to reach out to people who you know will give you positive and constructive feedback. You are so smart and brave to post your feelings. So sorry for your loss.

Just_J_Now

Wow, this is very sad. I'm so sorry for your loss and all you're going through. Take good care of yourself.

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cashidy

Thank you all so much. I feel much better this week.