Sabotaging parents

BonnieDundee78

I've noticed a lot of comments recently about parents (particularly mothers) being... less than supportive of their children's efforts to lose weight.

My own mother is overweight, diabetic, has high blood pressure, an ulcer and arthritis that is exacerbated by her weight. But she has no shortage of advice for me on dieting, and a tendency to feed me a carb-bomb when I visit her (even though she knows I'm working on controlling my calorie intake). So, yeah. I love her to bits, but I try *really* hard not to talk about food or calories or my losses. But she always finds a way to bring the conversation back to it.

Any other parental saboteurs out there? Any advice for dealing with them? The floor is yours...

Chef_Barbell

As an adult, I choose not to interact with people who aren't providing a value in my life.

alyssa0061

I only see my parents a few times a year but I'm lucky that they are very supportive. When I visit them I eat the food my mom prepares, as is. My mom will make comments about what I "can" or "can't" have. She's not doing it to be snide or rude, she just doesn't know. I always respond the same. "I can eat whatever I want" or "Whatever you made is fine, don't worry about me."

MaybeLed

My mother has always had weight issues (as do most in the family), we had a fairly frank chat when it was obvious I was losing and she signed up to MFP too. She's doing really well so can be quite honest about it and we have a similar WOE.

However my in-laws are different, they don't go on about my weight but do about my sister-in-laws (even though she's smaller than me). They are low-carb advocates (each to their own) but don't really understand sugars in anything other than bread. All I can do is smile and nod while I think about something else, then try to change the subject. When we have to eat, I just have smaller portions, leave some on my plate or order something that fits for me. If there are comments I just say I've had enough or it's what I fancy.

Basically I avoid talking about it as much as possible, stick to generic responses, and try not to look too glazed.

jdhcm2006

I get nothing but encouragement from my family in general. I get questions on what I did, and I will answer, but I also get the "slow down, you've lost enough" comments as well. I just look at it as they aren't used to seeing me at a healthy weight, so they're concerned that I'll end up underweight and sick, which seeing as I'm at the top point of a healthy weight for my size would me that I would have to lose an additional 40-50 pounds, lol.

But the worst comment I've gotten was that I should enjoy it while it lasts b/c it's easy for weight to creep on as you get older. I just smiled and thanked them for the concern, and kept it moving.

I also don't look at them making the foods that they've always made before I lost weight as sabotage. That's just them living their normal lives. You cannot expect people to change their ways because you decided to lose weight.

pinuplove

jdhcm2006 wrote: »

You cannot expect people to change their ways because you decided to lose weight.

I absolutely agree with this! Also, if she has her own weight/health issues she may feel that she's failed you somehow, or view your weight loss as a sort of silent condemnation of her parenting and lifestyle. Deep down, we're all pretty selfish - I'm quite certain her actions have more to do with her own feelings and insecurities than with you (although unfortunately, you have to put up with it).

TavistockToad

Just don't mention diet/weight loss/carbs/calories or anything else... if she mentions it deny all knowledge and change the subject.

AliceDark

Is what your mother is doing now (talking about dieting and feeding you carb-heavy foods) any different than how she interacted with you before you started trying to lose weight? If yes, then maybe she's trying to sabotage you, or maybe she's trying to take an interest in what you're doing by talking about dieting, and maybe she's trying to feed you yummy things because she thinks you're no longer getting to have those things. (Unhelpful and misguided, sure, but not necessarily sabotage). If that's not different than how she interacted with you before, she's just acting normally for her and it has nothing to do with you.

What would her being supportive look like to you? Have you told her what it would look like? A lot of people think "being supportive" means that the people around them also change their behavior, and that's not really fair. (It turns into a "I can't have ice cream because I'm dieting, so I want my husband to also stop eating it" conversation, and that rarely goes well).

There are gentle ways to nudge people into behaviors that can better align with what you're doing in terms of your diet now, but they take some finesse and you have to be prepared for people not to want to change. Are there meals that your mom makes that are perhaps a little lighter? Ask her to make them for you! If I tell my mom "I really miss your [insert literally any food item here], so can we make it together next time I see you?" that woman is on it. It makes her happy to cook for me, and your mom probably feels the same way.

Likewise, instead of getting frustrated if she talks about dieting, be proactive and get her to talk about other things that are important to her. If that doesn't work, you can always suck it up and ask her to stop talking about dieting.

DietVanillaCoke

Both my parents tried everything in their power to ruin my health and weight loss efforts. Coming from a family of narcissistic control freaks my best option was to leave.

My mother lead my sister to many eating disorders and she tried to do the same thing to me when i was younger. Eventually I turned to food and became the "solid girl" she constantly said i was. She would say horrible things like "You're BF probably doesn't want a fat girl." And she'd smirk and walk off knowing she had caused me some grief. She'd also tell me things like how pale skin is unattractive and that I needed a nose job. This was when i was still in primary school.

Then as soon as I started losing weight, I was down 40lbs and the only thing she said was "Oh you look like you're losing your breasts, poor bf, guess you'll want to stop before there's nothing". She'd stop my morning work outs by moving my equipment and hiding it, she sold my road bike, when i bought another she sold that too. She also completely covered our courtyard where I would walk, run and train with junk so it was impossible to work out. So i started getting up at 5am to go for jogs, once she noticed this, she would get up early and start forbid me to go outside due to what ever reason she could make up.

My Father kept cooking "Oven foods" Like crumbed chicken (With almost no chicken in it" And would cook it in bulk and get aggressive when i would tell him i wasn't eating it because the calories were way too high for the nutritional content. It got to the point he'd deliberately buy the worst food you could imagine then go mental when I would tell him I had already made dinner for myself. I was buying my own foods and I'd sometimes make some for them and it wouldn't get eaten so I stopped. I had also offered to start cooking dinners and helping them budget as my father was somehow spending $500 per week on food but I just got insulting laughs and undermining comments on how "I'd have no idea what I'm doing since they've been doing it for 50years". He wasn't spending $500 on food, he was an alcho and a drug addict.

After awhile they still manage to ruin that. I can't drink milk(Intolerant), so i buy almond milk. They both started drinking my almond milk, eating the fresh vegetables and salmon I was buying and hiding my supplements and protein shakes. My mother drank my probiotics like they were a soda and would eat anything i bought thinking it would = magical weight loss.

I was also paying board in a house where i was by that time only using it to sleep a few days a week. I was done. I could see why every sibling I had (They were all a good 10yrs older than me from my mothers 1st and 2nd relationships) had left the state and moved a good 8hours away. My oldest sister moved away from the country. My siblings are all healthy now, they're happy and refuse to come back.

I don't talk to my family about my life, I just focus on taking steps to improve myself and move away from the past.

dustedwithsugar

DietVanillaCoke wrote: »

Both my parents tried everything in their power to ruin my health and weight loss efforts. Coming from a family of narcissistic control freaks my best option was to leave.

My mother lead my sister to many eating disorders and she tried to do the same thing to me when i was younger. Eventually I turned to food and became the "solid girl" she constantly said i was. She would say horrible things like "You're BF probably doesn't want a fat girl." And she'd smirk and walk off knowing she had caused me some grief. She'd also tell me things like how pale skin is unattractive and that I needed a nose job. This was when i was still in primary school.

Then as soon as I started losing weight, I was down 40lbs and the only thing she said was "Oh you look like you're losing your breasts, poor bf, guess you'll want to stop before there's nothing". She'd stop my morning work outs by moving my equipment and hiding it, she sold my road bike, when i bought another she sold that too. She also completely covered our courtyard where I would walk, run and train with junk so it was impossible to work out. So i started getting up at 5am to go for jogs, once she noticed this, she would get up early and start forbid me to go outside due to what ever reason she could make up.

My Father kept cooking "Oven foods" Like crumbed chicken (With almost no chicken in it" And would cook it in bulk and get aggressive when i would tell him i wasn't eating it because the calories were way too high for the nutritional content. It got to the point he'd deliberately buy the worst food you could imagine then go mental when I would tell him I had already made dinner for myself. I was buying my own foods, I'd sometimes make some for them and it wouldn't get eaten so I stopped.

After awhile they still manage to ruin that. I can't drink milk(Intolerant), so i buy almond milk. They both started drinking my almond milk, eating the fresh vegetables and salmon I was buying and hiding my supplements and protein shakes. My mother drank my probiotics like they were a treat and would eat anything i bought thinking it would = magical weight loss.

I was also paying board in a house where i was by that time only using it to sleep a few days a week. I was done. I could see why every sibling I had (They were all a good 10yrs older than me from my mothers 1st and 2nd relationships) had left the state and moved a good 8hours away. My oldest sister moved away from the country. My siblings are all healthy now, they're happy and refuse to come back.

I don't talk to my family about my life, I just focus on taking steps to improve myself and move away from the past.

I just want to say that I'm so sorry to hear that, it sounds absolutely awful. I hope you're ok now *hugz*

jdhcm2006

DietVanillaCoke wrote: »

Both my parents tried everything in their power to ruin my health and weight loss efforts. Coming from a family of narcissistic control freaks my best option was to leave.

My mother lead my sister to many eating disorders and she tried to do the same thing to me when i was younger. Eventually I turned to food and became the "solid girl" she constantly said i was. She would say horrible things like "You're BF probably doesn't want a fat girl." And she'd smirk and walk off knowing she had caused me some grief. She'd also tell me things like how pale skin is unattractive and that I needed a nose job. This was when i was still in primary school.

Then as soon as I started losing weight, I was down 40lbs and the only thing she said was "Oh you look like you're losing your breasts, poor bf, guess you'll want to stop before there's nothing". She'd stop my morning work outs by moving my equipment and hiding it, she sold my road bike, when i bought another she sold that too. She also completely covered our courtyard where I would walk, run and train with junk so it was impossible to work out. So i started getting up at 5am to go for jogs, once she noticed this, she would get up early and start forbid me to go outside due to what ever reason she could make up.

My Father kept cooking "Oven foods" Like crumbed chicken (With almost no chicken in it" And would cook it in bulk and get aggressive when i would tell him i wasn't eating it because the calories were way too high for the nutritional content. It got to the point he'd deliberately buy the worst food you could imagine then go mental when I would tell him I had already made dinner for myself. I was buying my own foods and I'd sometimes make some for them and it wouldn't get eaten so I stopped. I had also offered to start cooking dinners and helping them budget as my father was somehow spending $500 per week on food but I just got insulting laughs and undermining comments on how "I'd have no idea what I'm doing since they've been doing it for 50years". He wasn't spending $500 on food, he was an alcho and a drug addict.

After awhile they still manage to ruin that. I can't drink milk(Intolerant), so i buy almond milk. They both started drinking my almond milk, eating the fresh vegetables and salmon I was buying and hiding my supplements and protein shakes. My mother drank my probiotics like they were a soda and would eat anything i bought thinking it would = magical weight loss.

I was also paying board in a house where i was by that time only using it to sleep a few days a week. I was done. I could see why every sibling I had (They were all a good 10yrs older than me from my mothers 1st and 2nd relationships) had left the state and moved a good 8hours away. My oldest sister moved away from the country. My siblings are all healthy now, they're happy and refuse to come back.

I don't talk to my family about my life, I just focus on taking steps to improve myself and move away from the past.

Yes, all of what you just described is sabotage. I'm so sorry that happened to you. I'm happy that you were able to get out of that situation.

ronjsteele1

I would consider my mom bordering on evil aside from food/weight. If she does see me as I'm losing she tells me I'm getting too thin (um, not at 100 pounds overweight). I'm like another poster stated above. I choose not to be around the toxicity. I have little to no contact with my mom and a lot would have to change for me to consider a relationship beyond anything surfacey. My dad died when I was young (11) so thankfully I don't have to deal with him. I have 6 siblings. I have a very close relationship with one of them. I'm thankful for her and have found others to fill the mom and dad roll in my life. I had wonderful in-laws and miss them greatly! I'm thankful for the ten years I got to take care of them. For sure though, I've had to deal with my growing up years in order to lose weight. As I have/do, the weight loss becomes easier and more importantly, keeping it off should be better if I'm not adding emotional eating to the mix of maintenance.

OhMsDiva

alyssa0061 wrote: »

I only see my parents a few times a year but I'm lucky that they are very supportive. When I visit them I eat the food my mom prepares, as is. My mom will make comments about what I "can" or "can't" have. She's not doing it to be snide or rude, she just doesn't know. I always respond the same. "I can eat whatever I want" or "Whatever you made is fine, don't worry about me."

My mom periodically asks me what I can and cannot eat also. I know she is coming from a good place, but I just laugh because she knows and has seen me eat everything under the sun. My problem is the reverse of the OP. My family is super supportive, but when I am at my parents' house I want to eat everything in sight. There is so much food there and my mind thinks I have to taste everything. The way I avoid this is, unless we are sitting down to have a meal together, I do not start eating any of the snacks that are lying around the house,

cross2bear

The parent and child relationship is pretty weird as it is, when both people are adults. But as an adult, you wouldnt tolerate that kind of treatment from anyone else in world, would you? You wouldnt tolerate a friend saying those things to you, would you? So time to stretch that relationship into an adult one, and speak up for yourself. You know what your mother is doing - she is not being supportive and she is making you feel as if you are doing something wrong. So tell her that, and say you wont put up with it anymore, and that she should keep her comments about your weight and what you eat to herself, or else you wont be able to spend as much time with her. Be the adult in the relationship. Dont back down. If you want the dynamic between the two of you to change, then it looks like youre the one who is going to have to change it. Good luck!

yayamom3

cross2bear wrote: »

The parent and child relationship is pretty weird as it is, when both people are adults. But as an adult, you wouldnt tolerate that kind of treatment from anyone else in world, would you? You wouldnt tolerate a friend saying those things to you, would you? So time to stretch that relationship into an adult one, and speak up for yourself. You know what your mother is doing - she is not being supportive and she is making you feel as if you are doing something wrong. So tell her that, and say you wont put up with it anymore, and that she should keep her comments about your weight and what you eat to herself, or else you wont be able to spend as much time with her. Be the adult in the relationship. Dont back down. If you want the dynamic between the two of you to change, then it looks like youre the one who is going to have to change it. Good luck!

This is such great advice. I have very close positive relationships with all three of my children. But I can tell you that after mothering someone for 21 years and worrying about their every need, want, problem, etc., it is so hard to turn off that mothering instinct. My son has reminded me a few times that he is an adult now and I need to let him make his own mistakes. I know he's right, but it's so hard not to try and fix everything for him. I think talking to your mom and trying to change the dynamic of the mother/child relationship into an adult relationship is a great first step.

Lounmoun

My mom died so there is just my dad. We don't live in the same state. He is not interested in talking about weight.
I don't talk about my weight loss goals to anyone. I decide what I will eat and when I will eat it.

If you don't want to talk about something tell them to stop or change the subject.
If they are constantly treating you badly then get out. Put space between you and toxic people. Maybe you don't need them in your life.